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Not sure what to do next.


Fame1977

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I'm not sure who, if anyone has read my previous posts. But please help me on just this one.

 

My girlfriend and I were great, all kinds of amazing together, and things were going fine. For some reason, and I am not sure why, she kept pushing me to the side, and was always busy. I can accept busy, I really can. I was too over the top needy with another gf I had, so I tried not being it this time. She gave no indication that she wanted to be over, just that she was scared and confused. Incidents in her past, made it so. I did feel a little neglected and hurt, at times, and questioned if we were ok. Anytime, she would give the same answers about being confused. This all came to a head on NYE when she said, that she had to make a choice to make a change so, she said she needed a break and space, not permanent, she just wanted to work things out. She said I could see other people, although it would kill her. After she made this announcement to me, she said she missed me both the day after and and the daye fter that. And even made indications she was excited about things that would happen in July, something we would be doing together. She had also given indications, during her break and space speech, she knows the only way to see each other all the time is to move in together. Later she said that scares her.So, now I was confused about what space meant. There was something that happened that made me actually mad and upset. So I wasn't sure what to do about it. So, I actually made up in my mind to not talk to her for two weeks. The idea is that she gets the space, and I can get over a bit of confusion I have. This idea is solely based on the fact that when the NC is over, we give us a fresh start. I asked her throughout my texts, for any other ideas she had, and made it clear that the idea is in place to give us a fresh start when it was over. I asked before I even started if we were workable, and told her I didn't want to break up. About the workable thing, she said maybe, I know it's silly, but she every right to say no. Cynics can agree to that as well.

The two weeks are almost up. I have broken NC once. To tell her that I missed her, and to hope she was ok. She texted back she was and hoped I was ok as well. I know a lot of people would say that break and space means code for break up. I would think that too, believe me. Personally, though, I think the situation is different. So please don't give opinions on it being over. Even in the two weeks, sparing feelings or not, she hasn't texted me to say it's over. And I would think someone would know if it is, and wouldn't wait out the whole time. Most people would agree to that as well. If you do care about someone enough, you would let them go, so they could heal. She has not done that. And she has every right to. So, yes, I think we can still have a relationship as more than just friends.

 

So, my question is this. I'm an not 100% sure on what to do next. I obviously don't want to jump right into working on us. I want to not scare her away more. I need help on how I ease back into talking to her again. I'm just not sure what to say or do.

 

Again, please no opinions on breaking up or why she said what she said, I understand that side of things. I do. I need help on what to say next, because I want to continue to try to work on us.

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Nobody can really keep you or let you go. That's something you get to do all on your own. Having said that, always keep in mind that when you make yourself available to be used, people are liable to accept that at face value. It's not on others to take care of you, your feelings, and your interests.

 

Anyway, you can't work on anything or make anything happen unless she is also interested in the same. Genuinely interested and not just lip service because she can't manage to tell you the truth. Basically, what I'm getting at is that unless she approaches you with a plan for reconciliation, then you are going nowhere and there is nothing you can say to her. You wouldn't be the first or last to hear the boohoo I'm so damaged from my past and so confused about what I want, waste years on the person and then watch them marry someone else in six months flat with zero confusion. Anyway, since you sound determined to learn the hard way, then by all means reach out to her and tell her you want her back. See what she says.

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It's good that you put your heart and soul into it, because if it doesn't work out at least you'll be able to feel that you gave it your all and said everything you could possibly say to reconcile.

 

I think it's a huge mistake to initiate contact with someone who's asked you for space, but I can understand that even just two or three weeks in limbo "on a break" can be incredibly painful. Still, this has probably weakened your position in her eyes.

 

I understand your situation feels unique to you, but everything you've described in what your ex has said and done so far seems pretty standard in terms of how these situations usually play out. I personally don't know anyone who's had a break NOT turn into a breakup. I'm sure it must happen sometime, and wish you the best of luck with it.

 

I hope for your sake your ex has the courage and integrity to give you a clear answer, one way or the other, and doesn't keep you dangling in limbo much longer.

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^ this.

 

I had one of my RL buddies to whom I was a break-up buddy (we were mutual actually).

 

He was also against NC and went how his case is unique.

 

Guess what he's doing now?

 

What she told you is that her interest level is low for you but not for another man if he sparks her enough.

 

NC is paramount for you.

 

Don't just starve her out of affection but emerge as a better man from this.

 

Most likely you'll figure out she is worthless in the end.

 

You are now in the denial stage of the Kubler-Ross cycle.

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I understand all of that. My confusion was in the fact that at any point she could have said it was officially over. I will admit, I texted her once to see if she was doing ok and she texted back she was. And she seemed upset when I suggested that people thought we shouldnt speak to each other. The only reason that I texted her today was that today was the day we agreed to talk about things to try to work stuff out. I know I should have waited her for first response, but I felt I wanted to put my side out there. That's why I did it. I'm not saying my situation is unique by any means. I'm just thinking I would deserve some sort of closure or answer about it all. This limbo thing does stink. And I did give it my all, and I know about the whole exes not being friends thing, and I dont want that. If she wants to be my friend, I would allow it. She means too much to me.

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I understand all of that. My confusion was in the fact that at any point she could have said it was officially over. I will admit, I texted her once to see if she was doing ok and she texted back she was. And she seemed upset when I suggested that people thought we shouldnt speak to each other. The only reason that I texted her today was that today was the day we agreed to talk about things to try to work stuff out. I know I should have waited her for first response, but I felt I wanted to put my side out there. That's why I did it. I'm not saying my situation is unique by any means. I'm just thinking I would deserve some sort of closure or answer about it all.

 

She is not the one who will give you a closure.

 

A closure is already within - YOU!

 

She is not telling it is over because she is being selfish.

 

She is stringing you in case she finds it uncomfortable being alone.

 

She eases her guilt if you accept this so called break.

 

Unless she tells she made a huge mistake in answer to your soul pouring (which is highly unlikely),

drop from the face of the earth for her.

 

And become a better person! Some here will tell you just go NC to starve her out of her affection and to

restore your ego.

 

NC is self healing and self improvement tool.

 

NC without self improvement which will either draw someone better in or her = FAIL.

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I agree that it's EXTREMELY selfish of an ex to want to stay friends immediately following a breakup. Common sense would tell anyone that TRUE friendship is only possible after a period of time has passed so the rejected party can get over any romantic feelings they still have.

 

If you allow this to happen, you'll only be causing yourself more pain -- and helping her to get over you -- for a "friendship" that will be discarded the moment she starts dating someone else.

 

She'll use you as a safety net.... as a relationship substitute.... as a Plan B..... while she looks for her next boyfriend.

 

It ISN'T a testament to how much you care for her -- it's only a testament to how LITTLE you care for yourself and your own need to heal after a breakup. There's no *reward* for this. You won't get her back doing it, you'll simply be helping her to move on.

 

It's also true that closure comes from within -- there's nothing she can say or do that will bring a sense of closure after a breakup. You only feel closure when you've fully accepted the end of the relationship... and that takes time, and is an internal process within yourself.

 

What your ex DOES owe you now is to tell you this *break* is officially over -- I agree she'll most likely try and ease her way through it, hoping you just realize this yourself..... or try to parlay it into a "let's just date for a while and see how it goes" type of ambiguous situation.... while she gradually adjusts to being single and uses you to hold her hand through the breakup.....

 

Again, I wish you luck and sincerely hope your story is one of those rare exceptions that prove the rule about breaks leading to breakups.

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I know this all to well.... She knows she has you on a string, especially when you tell her you miss her. My ex was always unsure, it was luke warm feelings, but she couldnt ever let go, because she knows Im a catch. Finally her confusion and intimacy issues got the better of us and it she ended it. Often these people yearn for freedom (possibly caused insecurities - they dont know what they want in life), and want intimacy at the same time, and it creates a lot of tension. When it comes to a head, they get very uneasy, and blame you for those feelings and that's why they lose their attraction, because they feel this pressure (even if you're not even asking for any commitment). Then when you leave they miss you. There is unfortunately nothing you can do, that's just the way they are wired. I suggest you find a more loving and committed partner.

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After I gave it my all, and gave my side of things, she did write back. She said She did miss talking to me, and she doesnt that things would be any better now or any easier. This to me is a vague answer. To be honest, as vague as it is, I was fine. Then she texted back later, not with any response to that but to ask me if I've been ok. So I said Yeah, and asked about her. She texted about her car and work, and I texted back, then no response. I texted if I could call her, (I didnt want tot talk about relationship stuff), but she didnt say anything back.

I understand all forms of NC. I do. It may seem bad that I want to keep talking to her, and maybe I am foolish. I get that, too. But I have read that even though one person pushed the other away, the person kept fighting and they ended up getting married. It does happen.

Now, besides NC, which I don't 100% want, I guess I'll say, right now...Is there any advice out there to not push her away, and try to keep her? (this may seem foolish to some, and I should accept it being over, but I dont want that at the moment)

We ALL know relationships take work. Should I should ask for finality? Or if she is willing to at least try?

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You're not being foolish.... you're being typical.

 

The most common human response to this type of situation is denial. That's what you're doing now.

 

There's no advice on how to NOT push her away at this point.... any contact with her is going to push her away and cause her to lose respect/attraction for you.

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You're not being foolish.... you're being typical.

 

The most common human response to this type of situation is denial. That's what you're doing now.

 

There's no advice on how to NOT push her away at this point.... any contact with her is going to push her away and cause her to lose respect/attraction for you.

 

As hard as this may seem, sharky is once again right. That seems to be the unwritten rule about breakups: by your pushing you create her pulling away. There is really nothing you can do to make this situation any better. You did your part, now it has to come from her. Let her be the one to come back. Bc she will definitely not stay if you pushed her there. NC is your best option.

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