HELP! Am I crazy or is my Partner controlling and just being an ???

[mrjackasaurus]

Been with my BF for 5.5 years. We have a 2.5 yr old boy with autism. I stay at home and work from home to care for our autistic son. We have a blended family (I have an 11 & 10 yr old from prev. marriage & he has a 9 yr old from prev. marriage). Here is the thing...My BF and I had lived separately through most of our relationship and spent every weekend together as we were cautious about moving our families together. We have lived separately but "together" with our son living and being raised by me and every weekend when we would be all together including long weekends and hollidays. My two children from my 1st marriage and his son for his 1st marriage rotate week on week off with our respective ex-spouses. I knew the situation with me raising our son was convenient for him. I was also scared to rely on someone else after divorce. We are not married and he adamantly refuses to get married ever again cuz his ex wife took him for 100,000 after only 1 yr of marriage.

 

When we didn't live together I could keep his aloof mood at a distance and knew I had my space. Many times we broke up cuz I felt he was insensitive but I just do not stay angry long and he would be persistent in not letting is be over. I wasn't expecting to have another child and I was scared when I did get pregnant as I was alone and I just didn't have a lot of faith in him because he resisted ever living together. I kept the baby and I am so grateful for my son. I swear I would kill for that child if I had to I love him so much.

 

In my city of Calgary, Ab Canada in 2013 June we had a huge flood. I lost my home. Completely flooded. The BF had me & our son & my 2 older children live with him temporarily till I could live on my own again. When It came time for me to move he said that mabye I should stay since our autistic son needed me more at home. Not cuz he loved me. I am always available to be home to watch his 9yr old & he could work as much as possible and go out whenever he wanted without needing to pay for childcare. I NEVER question were he goes or confine his schedule. I don’t go out ever. I don't drive and I take the bus if I go anywhere. Our autistic son is 2.5 yrs old and very hard to take out anywhere. The BF resents having to watch him so I can go out to get clothes or have any time away. If I must go out I have to work around his schedule...I do of course and most of the time I do not go out as he just resists watching our son. I pay him $500 a month, I do ALL housework, all dishes & all laundry & all the care for our son who needs a lot of 1 on 1 attention to encourage speech & social skills (this is lacking with children with autism - he is high functioning thankfully). I am not trying to be a whiner or complain, I am happy, I have gone through a lot to be very greatfull for stability and routine.

 

He says he enjoys being a provider, then He says I live here rent free & I should be doing more. I also have some PT income from doing childcare while I stay at home with our son. So I take care of 3 children under 3 & watch his 9yr old often. If I need anything or my other 2 older children need anything I pay for it out of my own pocket. He says he doesn't need my money but he takes it out of principal because I shouldn't live here for free.

 

I’m 36 & work hard to take care of myself, eat well, work out 5x/wk, be slim & I lost 30 lbs down to 130lbs at 5’4”. I am thrilled how I look and happy I have kept the weight off. He openly critisized my weight before & stared at other women, he doesn’t offer compliments now that I am slim. He’s not very emotionally giving. He prefers sex mostly doggy style (sorry info!) and is not one to cuddle, kiss or be passionate. Him reaching out - is for sex alone and I learned early on to not expect romance, no flowers, no surprises. I learned not to expect much from him. I had to fight for him to notice Mothers day. He never says I love u. An example: one time he yelled at me cuz I didn’t put the ketchup back, but I had left it out for his son who needed it. Then he said why didn't you bring it when I made his plate.

 

I try very hard not to nag ever, give him lots of space for his hobbies and PS3 (video games). I like my space too and was scared to move in with him cuz he is a rigid bachelor type. I have always had my hobbies such as art and love to learn new things. He’s a man that can build a house from ground up & has an HVAC business (guy that installs furnaces and duct work). He is 43, a loner and antisocial but sees me as his "best friend" so he says. I know I have been the longest relationship he has ever had. Like I said he is 43 and the longest relationship before me has been about 1 year. I am a very easy going person and have been through a brutal flood the past year, a divorce a few years back and a vicious custody battle with my older children. I know grief and just do not want stress and drama. I am so happy for what I have and adore my children.

 

Now over the past few months He needs to control my free time. We have been living together for 7mo now & now he asks "what have you done all day?" and is so mad if I didn't clean the stove (he does the cooking). Now he gets pissed because I don't clean the bathtub. Or that I haven't vacuumed the basement. I know for a fact that the basement carpet was NEVER vacuumed for the 5yrs I didn't live here & his dogs pissed on the carpets. It was not till I moved in that I shampooed the carpets in the basement. When I moved in I did a lot of cleaning to bring the house up to my standards (I did not tell him this while I was cleaning when I first moved in because I didn't want to be hurtful and he was a batchelor for years and just didn't see the messes I saw).

 

If I have any hobby now he is pissed & states that I am not doing enough to help our son with autism. I do all the care for our son whom I WOULD DIE FOR I love so much. His dad does play with him sometimes, but he cannot handle him, nor have the patience & would rather watch a movie or play on the computer than teach him skills to help with autism. When I do anything with my spare time he has threatened that I need to do everything I can to help our son or he will put him in a daycare as if our son's condition is because I do not do enough. I know he cannot take my child from me and no Judge would grant him rights to move our special needs son into a daycare center over the care of the mother but I fear the battle with him and try to make things work between us rather than face a co-habitation split and the stress it would come with.

 

In 2014 I want to learn Spanish as I enjoy it. I crave new things and not do the same thing every damn day. I was doing an online lesson last night but as my BF saw this he said "what is with the Spanish all of a sudden". I could tell he was angry. I said im allowed to have a hobby, he stated clearly that I do not do enough & shouldn't get distracted & wasting time on such things because I don't show enough respect for his house and living here because I do not clean more (his stove, basement, clean tub etc are things at the moment that I am disrespecting him with). He says when he comes home from a days work he wants a clean stove to cook with, not come home to cleaning. If there are a few dishes that he has to place in the dishwasher because they are in the sink (I mean A FEW) he states "I have been at work all day, why am I doing dishes?"

 

Am I going crazy? Do I have to keep any hobby a secret? I try to be so good for him and but he gets so angry at the stupidest most trivial stuff. I am not the type to freak out over such little issues like a few dishes, a spot of the stove or the ketchup not put in the fridge quick enough. I yell that I'm not a maid! He responds that "clearly your not, cuz you don't do anything". I find myself scared that I do not do enough cleaning during the day that he will be dissapointed and he does not acknowledge all the work I do do. And I clean a lot. The dishes are always done. One week he is saying I should sell my stuff & live with him permanently & the next I feel his criticism of me as a mother & housecleaner means he is going to throw me out on the street. I get so scared I save every dime because I know I might have to leave. It is either conform to his demands, or leave and face my son having a broken home just to save myself worth. I think I would b a lot happier alone but I hate letting my son down. Am I crazy?? I sure feel like Im going crazy.

 

Any feedback is greatly appreciated, even if the thread is older. He and I get into this conflict month after month and I will seek answers for a while as I cannot move out anytime soon.

 

Sorry for the novel!

[bulletproof]

If it were me, I'd leave.

 

But I'm curious- was he always like this?

[vix8]

Holey crap... woman you need to get out of that relationship! You sound like such a respectful lady! You deserve better than that. And seriously.. video games is his hobby at 43? I'm pretty sure his autistic son is much more important than video games. No wonder he's never had a long lasting relationship. Let this be a lesson to you.. that anyone who cannot hold a long relationship has lots of red flags.

[NorthDallas40]

You're not crazy - he's a jerk.

 

What you do about it is up to you.

[Iggy5129]

He's projecting the fact that he does nothing on to you, especially regarding taking care of your autistic son. Every time he criticizes you just remember he's actually criticizing himself. Don't let him take it out on you. If it was me I'd leave. He sounds awful.

[Limiya]

I hope one day soon you can find the strength to leave this man child.

Your children don't need to see this criticism of you on a daily basis. It is his way of controlling you and knocking your confidence so you don't leave.

He is basically treating you as a slave, and i think he is fully aware what he is doing. He treats you like this because you let him.

I personally think you will be happier alone. Don't worry about your son, as he is happy if you're happy. You do 99.9% of the care for him anyway, so even if you didn't live with this man, i don't think it would impact on him as badly as you think it would.

 

I feel for you. I really do. I couldn't imagine someone suffocating and controlling all my movements like this. I would rather live alone and pay rent.

Limiya