Met my recent ex by chance - thrown into limbo and my mind is all over the place

[H3nk1]

Hang' on !

 

You need to let this one go for the moment, find something to occupy your mind for the time being. Call your friends or family and resist this urge to sens it. You're not ready yet !

 

Thank you for the rescue friend. I am just sick to my stomach, stressed out and it has not subsided at all.

 

How will I know I am ready? I fear so much for being "too late" as I know her main coping tool is alchohol - which she even admitted - around people I am less than fond of... She is clearly confused. And I do not think I could accept her doing her grass is greener thing immediately after the BU.

[Brotherhood67]

Thank you for the rescue friend. I am just sick to my stomach, stressed out and it has not subsided at all.

 

How will I know I am ready? I fear so much for being "too late" as I know her main coping tool is alchohol - which she even admitted - around people I am less than fond of... She is clearly confused. And I do not think I could accept her doing her grass is greener thing immediately after the BU.

 

You will know as soon as you'll be able to think about her without feeling your heart racing and your hands shaking. You're acting out of stress. I know, I've been there many times, including with my soon-to-be ex-wife (sigh). An no good EVER came out of acting in such an irrational state of mind.

 

It is never too late, especially if she has to cope with this BU. Thinks about it : she knows what you feel, she knows your position. Let her come to you for the moment or take a greater time to relax.

[Kimcwell]

I really am rooting for you, but I promise, there is nothing you can say or do right now that will "control" what she does or doesn't do. You can only make things worse for yourself. It is anxiety and you need to find a healthy outlet for it that doesn't include contacting your ex.

[H3nk1]

You will know as soon as you'll be able to think about her without feeling your heart racing and your hands shaking. You're acting out of stress. I know, I've been there many times, including with my soon-to-be ex-wife (sigh). An no good EVER came out of acting in such an irrational state of mind.

 

It is never too late, especially if she has to cope with this BU. Thinks about it : she knows what you feel, she knows your position. Let her come to you for the moment or take a greater time to relax.

 

Oh my... I cannot even imagine the day I reach that point heh.

 

And then there is my fear of having CLOSED the door on her making contact..

 

I stated that she ought to stop contacting me indirectly through my brother. And I have previously been clear that the only contact I would accept is towards reconciliation.

 

More importantly though, when we met I asked her what she thought about getting together for coffe / drinks and perhaps casually dating each other going forward. She would very much like that. Yet, before I got up to leave I said that I could not do this because I would keep hope and stagnate. I was clear on that I had no wish to be together again before we had sorted things out for ourselves. I stated I would not take her back before she dealt with her own.

 

So yeah.. I have this fear having closed the door hard on her and perhaps even us. I want to walk with and alongside this girl... Today. I love her despite her issues, and I would be able to leave the past behind. I feel "waiting" to resove her / my issues is a false premise, and would take years. You are who you are...

 

She is such a proud person. I cannot really imagine her breaking down the doors I put up..

[H3nk1]

I really am rooting for you, but I promise, there is nothing you can say or do right now that will "control" what she does or doesn't do. You can only make things worse for yourself. It is anxiety and you need to find a healthy outlet for it that doesn't include contacting your ex.

 

Thank you.. The level of stress after meeting her has really shook me. I have tried friends, ENA, fresh air and what not. Still no luck in taking on the knot in my chest and anxiety. Sigh.

[Brotherhood67]

Don't worry.

 

You closed this door with words, not bricks and mortar.

 

That is to say with nothing.

 

Moreover, she never put up a fight with during this meeting, it was quite the contray. So stay focused for now. Try having a cigar ! (I love cigars, it is soooo relaxing )

[H3nk1]

Don't worry.

 

You closed this door with words, not bricks and mortar.

 

That is to say with nothing.

 

Moreover, she never put up a fight with during this meeting, it was quite the contray. So stay focused for now. Try having a cigar ! (I love cigars, it is soooo relaxing )

 

Really? I am terrified of words, and I saw how she respected / felt she had no claim on me when we met.. I think she is scared and confused about her decision She even stated how she feared how she would look in the eyes of my friends family if she went back to me, again! I know how she easily could suppress and "move on" when she could have done the opposite.

 

And I fear so much for not being the one to take some control of the situation..

 

What do you mean she did not put up a fight? About me closing the door? Well, she never had the chance, really, and I saw how her eyes faded I was so adamant she would never have dared to resist then and there .

 

Cigars, those I like. Just have an issue with the amount of...spit being generated

[Brotherhood67]

Yes, words are quite terrifying in themselves but don't forget that they are just that... words...

 

In my profession, we know very well that, given the circumstances, today's truth is tomorrow's falsehood.

 

And moreover, do you really think that words are a match against one's feelings ?

 

You do not NEED to control anything and even if you tried, you wouldn't be able to do it anyway because you need her to take her options alone. You cannot force anything and anyway, even if you could, it wouldn't give closure to any of you.

 

Love is not forced. Love is not something you need to or can control (think of my feelings for my wife...). Especially since you two were already a couple and that she knows your feelings for her. You don't need to prove anything and, moreover, should not think you can. You can only mess everything up when not prepared.

 

When I was talking about a fight, I was talking about you two arguing. You two are in good terms ! THIS is the best way to go, don't risk messing this up. You wouldn't forgive yourself if you were to do so !

[H3nk1]

Heh, she is soon to be a lawyer herself, and is the most determined person I know.. She is/was even a semi profiled politician / interview object given that she is a very good looking young girl. So low and behold I crushed my soul just from one Google search to look at her pictures a few hours ago.. Great choice.

 

At least I am afraid that words can suppress certain people's feelings

 

Sigh. I feel I need to prove that I am doing the things she always wanted in terms of treating my latent depression e.g. Over the last month I have written a long letter as well, which I might send in time.. In which I go straight to the core of my own issues, how I am sorry for them affecting our relationship and what I will do to address them. I have sent her letters before in our relationship, but they have all been over-the-top emotional rides. This I want to be different if I ever send it.

 

I guess how she left me has set me up with this overwhelming urge to act, prove and show her that she can trust me and her feelings for me again..

 

I cannot see us fighting if at all if we meet up. The only thing I can "fail" at is being slightly emotional..

[sharky988]

Dude, I really feel for you. Reading through your thread, it seems so clear that your ex is very scared of losing the security of having you there as a safety net, and that she's told you things designed to keep you in limbo and hoping.... for as long as she needs you to be there.

 

She doesn't sound in the least *confused* about her feelings, the way I read it. She sounds *conflicted* -- because she knows intellectually she should want to be with you, but emotionally she just doesn't feel it anymore.

 

Hearing how you've been working on improving yourself probably only makes her feel MORE conflicted.... but even if you check all the boxes on her list of things she wanted you to change about yourself, it still wouldn't change her FEELINGS. Feelings aren't rational, they're not logical.... they're emotional and no amount of intellectual reasoning is going to recreate feelings in her.

 

But the romantic feelings she once had for you, those are gone now. She's not *suppressing* anything.... she's just not feeling it anymore and she knows she SHOULD be feeling it.... and probably feels guilty for hurting you so much and is trying to let you down gently as well.

 

You see, by saying "maybe someday" she gets to keep you around as a backup plan. And she also tells herself she's making it easier for you by not giving you a firm "no, never."

 

But really, if someone is *in love* with you.... if they still have those passionate in-love feelings for you.... they don't tell you maybe someday. They want to be with you NOW. Because they don't want to risk losing you to someone else by leaving you dangling in limbo.

 

Please don't send her any letters and don't meet up with her. Don't be there for her as an emotional safety net or a backup plan. Let her see what life is like without you in it.... let her MISS you. Disappear from her world and stay gone. And take this time to convince yourself that you deserve BETTER than *maybe someday*!

[H3nk1]

Thanks, not what I want to hear of course. You might be quite right.. Can such feelings come back? (she returned the last time she left, after one month). She was clearly worried about me meeting other girls, even mentioning two of them by name. Stupid me being true saying I was anything but ready to see new people. And would not be for a very long time. Even said I hated to let her know that and that I know it is unsexy, to which she said she did not feel safe at all and me being so honest was more attractive than the opposite. Sigh, at least she is confusing me. While her romantic feelings might be reduced/gone for now, there was immense tension between us when we met.

[Brotherhood67]

Thanks, not what I want to hear of course. You might be quite right.. Can such feelings come back? (she returned the last time she left, after one month). She was clearly worried about me meeting other girls, even mentioning two of them by name. Stupid me being true saying I was anything but ready to see new people. And would not be for a very long time. Even said I hated to let her know that and that I know it is unsexy, to which she said she did not feel safe at all and me being so honest was more attractive than the opposite. Sigh, at least she is confusing me. While her romantic feelings might be reduced/gone for now, there was immense tension between us when we met.

 

A tension ? Really ?

[sharky988]

Thanks, not what I want to hear of course. You might be quite right.. Can such feelings come back? (she returned the last time she left, after one month). She was clearly worried about me meeting other girls, even mentioning two of them by name. Stupid me being true saying I was anything but ready to see new people. And would not be for a very long time. Even said I hated to let her know that and that I know it is unsexy, to which she said she did not feel safe at all and me being so honest was more attractive than the opposite. Sigh, at least she is confusing me. While her romantic feelings might be reduced/gone for now, there was immense tension between us when we met.

 

No, letting her know she has no chance of losing you to anyone else is not *attractive* or considered sexy really by anyone I know, anyway..... if she was giving you that impression it was her way of rewarding you for being loyal and a safety net. If she was seriously worried about losing you to other girls, she'd never be okay with telling you maybe someday.

 

She wants to keep you there as a backup plan. You are basically telling her, "yes, you can count on me to be your Plan B in case you ever change your mind."

 

Now, really.... you're a smart guy. How attractive would you find it if someone said that to you?

 

Your breakup is recent and you haven't had very much time without contact. You need to let her miss you.... and YOU need to start getting yourself back together!

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[H3nk1]

A tension ? Really ?

 

Well, yes, maybe I was unclear. A tension in the sense that both parties just want to embrace rather than put up the "talk formally without feelings" act.

[H3nk1]

She wants to keep you there as a backup plan. You are basically telling her, "yes, you can count on me to be your Plan B in case you ever change your mind."

 

Now, really.... you're a smart guy. How attractive would you find it if someone said that to you?

 

Heh, I might be weird, but I find loyalty, honesty and self-reflection very attractive. Many a times before has she told me this was a large part of why she fell for me.

 

I was also the one who suggested us dating in the near future, before taking that suggestion back right before I got up and left. She responded really positive to the suggestion, and was quite disappointed when I closed that door.

 

So yeah. Sigh. You might be correct, yet I do not think it is all black and white with her.

[sharky988]

If you believe that continuing to make yourself available to her on her terms like a doormat will re-ignite her feelings of love and attraction for you, then by all means continue to stay in contact with her!

 

It just hardly ever works in real life.

 

From the outside, it looks as if you're projecting your own feelings onto her..... interpreting what's happened as if she's still feeling romantic love for you but is *fighting* her true feelings. But why would she -- or anyone -- do this?

 

The only reason she's not with you right now is.... she doesn't want to be. There's no mystical force keeping her from being your girlfriend. It's her choice to end the relationship.

 

But it's also probably scary for her to walk away, which is why she wants the security of knowing you'll always be there in case she changes her mind (or doesn't meet anyone else) and why the idea of leaving the option open for possibly *dating* in the future is appealing to her.

[Brotherhood67]

I must say I quite agree with you, however, it contradicts many of my own experiences with women

There is a slight difference between telling someone you love him/her, respecting his/her decision, going your own way, staying friendly and simply leaving with no tomorrow.

 

She made a choice. It's as simple as that for me. Feelings don't go away that easily, at least not in a LTR. Wether they change, mutate, transform into hatred or anything else, they are right there. They remain.

It doesn't mean that she will one day transform back those feelngs into love and attraction but it also doesn't mean that it won't be the case. And, in my opinion, staying friendly, respectful, not pushing or clinging can go a long way. NC is essentially a way to heal, not a way of making someone really miss you - they made a choice, they stick with it or not. NC doesn't change anything in this matter : they need to make the choice to go back to you. Do you increase this choice by sticking on NC or simply being emotionaly removed from your ex's life (that is to say, not being in a couple with her/him) ? I really don't know for sure.

Anyway, your ex-SO knows that you love her/him. Everything is crystal clear in this matter. And your SO is no fool.

 

As long as it doesn't make you feel weird by staying with her and doesn't impede your healing process, what's the point of telling him/her it, you don't want to be with me so I'll disappear"... Actually, I feel like this is kind of rude. Even borderline blackmailing... Is it really THAT easy to dump someone ? I don't think so. You don't need to "punish" the dumper for making this decision ;-)

[sharky988]

No one has suggested being rude to an ex or saying ANYTHING to her at all.

 

There's no punishment involved here.

 

There's simply having self-respect and refusing to continue to stay in an ex's life as long as you have "in limbo" status. That means not settling for "just friends" when you really want more.... it means not agreeing to wait around and hope she changes her mind someday.... it means not sending emails apologizing again and again, or pouring out your heart to someone who's already decided to end a relationship.

 

It means walking away so you can start to put the focus back where it belongs: on YOU. On YOUR life, your goals, feeling better, and eventually getting over the breakup and moving on.

 

There's nothing hostile or punishing about that.

 

But as long as you agree to stay in an ex's life and hold their hand emotionally through a breakup, they never have to face the LOSS of not having you there. You're helping *them* to get over you.... while making it harder on yourself to recover. It's a lose / lose scenario.

 

Feelings don't just *disappear* after a LTR..... but they can change. Passionate, sexual, romantic *in love* feelings can fade into just platonic friendship and when an ex is trying to keep you in their life as a friend -- or worse, a romantic Backup Plan -- that's pretty much what you're dealing with.

 

I suggest you also checkout the breakup recovery guide link I posted above -- it was written by a fellow member here and many people have found it to be very helpful!

[Brotherhood67]

To be honest, I agree with you. In fact, we are talking about the same thing ;-)

 

Again, I didn't say that we should be rude or anything, I just said that I felt that removing yourself completely from one's life is kind of rude. I simply put myself in your leaving-ex'shoes ;-)

 

Staying in contact IF and only IF you're okay with it - that is to say that you're perfectly healed from your break-up - can go a long way.

 

One example : I was dumped by a girl some years ago, before meeting my wife. She left me after 6 months. I said "ok" and stayed friend with her. I told her I didn't agree with this BU but respected her decision. And most amazingly, after 1-2 months of going with her meeting friends, seeing her dating etc., she realized that she still had feelings for me because she saw me interact with her life. She SAW me outside of our relationship and realized all of it. So she asked to get back together, which we did for some time.

 

Again, sticking in NC would not have resulted in this ;-)

[sharky988]

Again, sticking in NC would not have resulted in this ;-)

 

You have absolutely no way of knowing this.

 

I say that if she was going to change her mind she was going to change it anyway -- and that it was just your dumb luck her attempt to friendzone you backfired and she took you back anyway!

 

I dumped a guy and moved 3,000 miles away and dated other people and we had NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER for many, many months.... and the longer we were apart, the more I missed him..... and so I contacted him and asked to get back together! And we did, and were married 18 years.

 

So, you see, agreeing to be platonic buddies with an ex isn't really the only way to get back together.... and if you'll read through the threads on this site I think you'll see ample evidence pointing out that just the OPPOSITE is true!

 

Usually, when people reconcile, it's after an extended period of No Contact.

[Brotherhood67]

Quite a nice reconciliation story ! As my wife is going to make the same thing as you, it makes me confident for the future ;-)

 

"Usually" is a keyword, I think. NC works usually, I agree. And sometimes, don't.

 

How do you know for sure that it was NC that helped you to miss him ? Maybe you would have missed him anyway ? (It gives me hope to hear your answer !!! ;-) )

[sharky988]

All I can say is, from a dumper's perspective, it's MUCH MUCH easier to get over someone if they'll agree to stay in your life and hold your hand emotionally through a breakup while you get over them.

 

I really was very determined to move on from that relationship and threw myself into my new life -- but there was a noticeable void, a lack of connection, that no one else could fill. I looked for it in other people, but finally I couldn't stand it anymore and missed him too much and had to get back together.

 

If he had been my buddy during that breakup, I wouldn't have felt the loss of him in my life at all. There wouldn't have been a period of time for the romantic longing to build back up because anytime I would've missed him, I could've just called him and felt better.

 

I am always happy to share my reconciliation story! Having been in the dumper's shoes -- and having experienced No Contact from the other side -- has helped me to see how important it is. Not just if you hope to reconcile.... but in your own healing, for moving on. You can't legitimately be moving on from a relationship while trying to be friends immediately after a breakup.... it just doesn't work. All it does is help the dumper feel better while they look for other relationships.

 

Check out the stories in the "Getting Back Together Really Does Happen" and you'll see that in 99 cases out of 100, when a lasting reconciliation happens, it happens after an extended period of No Contact.

 

And really -- no one here should be telling themselves there's is that one unique "1 in 100" story..... what purpose does that serve?

[Kimcwell]

I have to agree with Sharky on this one. When my ex broke up with me last January, I was devastated and did all of the things my emotions told me to do: called, emailed, begged, sent letters, to no avail. Once I started to heal a little bit, I was embarrassed by the way I acted, and now realize that it pushed him futher away. There was NO Way in H*** I could pretend to be his friend b/c I was a mess and still very much in love. He went no contact, and at the time I thought it was very cruel of him not to hold my hand during the breakup, but now I see it was what was best for me to heal.

 

Guess what? He has texted me twice in the last month of his own volition, and now I feel like I'm not manipulating him. He actually wants to know about my life. Will it lead to reconciliation? Probably not, but I know that he is still thinking about me and if he wanted to try again, it would be brand new.

[Brotherhood67]

Extremey interesting !

I'll PM you, I do not want to change the subject of this topic

[H3nk1]

Sorry everyone, I caved after having dinner with my brother. He saw what a limbo-mess I was and we drafted and sent my ex this message:

 

"Hi X

 

Given all that was said between us on Friday, and the limbo state which arose (at least for me):

 

I told you I could not see you becaus you needed to deal with yours and me with mine. That is not what I really feel. I would like to see/date you. And we can deal with things respectively between our meetings.

 

The condition being that we are exclusive. Are you still open for this?"

 

So yeah. No answer yet. Not a good sign I guess. I do not know whether I will regret this or not... At least my heart is racing, and I have a bad feeling for the outcome. I expect but fear a clear NO even though she said differently when we met.