Jump to content

Met my recent ex by chance - thrown into limbo and my mind is all over the place


H3nk1

Recommended Posts

I need to get my head straight - I am all over the place...

 

My break-up thread is long and painful:

 

Long story short: The woman I love left me for the second time. We were our first everything. 4.5 years together. The first time she left, a year and a half ago, she came back after 4 weeks of NC. She left me again on Dec 14th. It was a mess, and I bear the responsibility on a broken back. I have struggled with depression since childhood, and 2013 was the worst year thus far in my life. At my lowest, she left again - stating that she wanted to be to herself / alone. I fully understand her, she had had enough. I have already forgiven her and bear no hard feelings.

 

With everything in my life in pieces, I stared my innermost demons straight in the eyes. For the first time in my life. I had no other choice. Thus I have started on anti-depressants (which have a noticeable positive effect already), and gotten myself a new therapist. It is as if the ghost finally came out of the closed. After her leaving...it has been hell. I have had to accept and recognise how my depression made me loose myself and her. It is beyond tough, but it is the truth. Having this condition for years let it be "hidden" from me, as my baseline emotional well-being was not something I questioned actively.

 

I went NC on Dec 16th after two days of texting asking her to reconsider. I sent her an email on Dec 22nd, saying sorry, that I recognise my responsibility and that I have hope for a future reconciliation if that is something which could be sustainable / a new relationship. NC beyond that.

 

 

Now, on Friday, the universe decided to mess with me and her. We met by chance.

 

I was going out to grab something to eat with my brother. I was delayed, so I called him asking where to precisely meet. I heard something was off in his voice, and as I am nearing the area I saw him and a girl.

 

Moving closer I saw it was her.

 

He had followed his son to the train, she was on her way home from work. They ran into each other. I just sat down 20 feet away knees shaking. Decided I needed to face it.

 

My brother left. We sat outside talking. Then grabbed a coffee, both agreeing it was absurd and perhaps a stupid idea.

 

We talked for nearly two hours. Catched up. She cried a bit. I never broke down. Never begged. Kept my cool, yet was honest - I had to be in my current state - about my feelings. Even got her to laugh alot and feel comfortable. I told her what I had planned for therapy, that I had started on anti-depressants and that this whole break up and horrible year finally got me to a point where I had no choice but to face my demons.

 

I could tell how she fought so hard internally to not promise things or just ask me to come home with her. She had to fight to maintain her position of control. Time and time again she would say things like "argh, why did you have to realise these things now" in a semi-annoyed yet attracted way. That she almost broke contact all the time. That she had almost come running back like she did the first time. She basically said every word and expressed every emotion I secretly wished for when I met her. She was immensely curious as to what I was doing to get it together.

 

She said so many things giving me hope. That she had a horrible time. That she had never met other guys anything close to my league. That she was afraid to loose me. That she broke up in many ways hoping we could make it work later on. So I could fix myself. That she found my honesty and truthfulness more attractive than the oposite. That me being me is what she fell for in the first place. I saw how she got a mixture of mad, happy, attracted and frustrated from me doing what she always wanted me to do...

 

She briefly mentioned the option of meeting new people without it being based on feelings / without wanting to get physical (might also have been a test to see where I stood. I could not say anything else than that I did not feel like even superficially dating, but that she had to do what she had to).

 

I said I hated to put myself in a position for her to know "I was there" when she was ready. Hell, she knows me too well anyway. So I could have said whatever. She told me not to worry about that. That it was who I am, and she respects me for it and that person is the one she always adored.

 

I asked her what she thought about getting together for coffe / drinks and perhaps casually dating each other going forward. In some time. She would very much like that. Yet, before I got up to leave I heard myself say that I could not do this because I would keep hope and stagnate.

 

Well, at least I was honest. I did not break or beg. I sowed all the seeds I could to show her I was serious about getting my self together. Once and for all.

 

I got up, hugged her and left. Where I found the strength, I do not know. And I could see she still loves me. I am even convinced she has it just as tough as me right now. I could see and feel it as I left.

 

We did not agree on anything, other than to let things be. No contact. I was clear on that I had no wish to be together again before we had sorted things out for ourselves. I felt that her issues were still there. I stated I would not take her back before she dealt with her own.

 

I love this girl, and I want to reconcile. Is NC the right thing even in this situation? If she cannot see or talk to me, how will she know how I progress? How can she regain her trust without experiencing change in me?

 

I have tried to get my head around this. Yet I am bewildered.

 

Now what? Any advice?

 

Part of me is leaning towards sending her this message like this:

 

 

"Hi

 

Some universe we live in. Me being delayed, you running towards the bus, my brother exiting the station, bam.

 

I have had butterflies like a fool in love since I met you. Falling in love with your ex? Now that is great news!

 

Three things I need to say:

 

1. My door is open. I stand behind everything I told you, and I am moving in the right direction.

 

2. I told you I would not take you back unless you dealt with your issues. Well, X, that is not really true. It does not make a lot of sense. The truth is you are dealing with things your entire life. You never stop walking. And I want to walk with you. I have made a promise to myself not to put such false conditions on the people I love anymore. It kills love, and it hurt me growing up. You are who you are, and that is more than good enough. My only condition, if you ever want me back, is that you will be constructive and apply the same approach to myself. I can do that, can you?

 

3. I told you I could not see you. That is also not true. I would be more than happy to grab a drink or coffee in time. I am strong enough, for which I am a bit proud. In our situation, you need to get to know who I really am. Not mix me up with my symptoms any longer. How can you see me for me if we do not meet? How can we consider walking together if we cannot spend time together?

 

You said many things giving me hope. I saw how you hurt, just like me. How you struggled with the emotions. It was clear both of us just wanted to throw each other into an embrace. It was pretty raw, X. So, I basically need to know what you are feeling and thinking. Limbo-land is a bad place to reside.

 

Best, X"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 62
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Hi friend,

 

I can see you're still in limbo and completely understand the situation. Though, I would strongly advise you not to send this e-mail, it is clearly "too much" for the time being and could drive her away.

Writing your emotions down is always a good solution - it makes your mind work and gives you an opportunity to express yourself. Do continue but let me give you some advice :

In my work and life, when dealing with something important, I always apply the "48 hours rule" : I write down my ideas and express myself with my pen then, when I'm finished, I put it away and don't touch anything for 48 hours. After this time lapse, I take everything I wrote again and decide if it's still what I feel and if it is still what I want to express and send to someone.

You'll see, it works !

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi friend,

 

I can see you're still in limbo and completely understand the situation. Though, I would strongly advise you not to send this e-mail, it is clearly "too much" for the time being and could drive her away.

Writing your emotions down is always a good solution - it makes your mind work and gives you an opportunity to express yourself. Do continue but let me give you some advice :

In my work and life, when dealing with something important, I always apply the "48 hours rule" : I write down my ideas and express myself with my pen then, when I'm finished, I put it away and don't touch anything for 48 hours. After this time lapse, I take everything I wrote again and decide if it's still what I feel and if it is still what I want to express and send to someone.

You'll see, it works !

 

Thank you. I will give it more time... I have to say I crashed completely after seeing her on Friday, with my chest still feeling like it is bursting with love for this girl.

 

You said all you needed to say. Do not send the email.

Follow your own path to health and clarity.

Back to NC.

 

I agree...but am still confused. Is NC always applicable? Even in a situation in which I will have to rebuild trust / demonstrate real progress?

 

I am quite scared of having shut the door too tightly for her to reconsider / come back. She will always have some of her issues. And I love her regardless. I would gladly walk with her. I even think I am strong enough to meet / date her again in the near future, which she wholly agreed and wanted to before I took it back (which I regret - thus the proposed follow-up message to her).

 

Sorry for my up in the air head these days...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are nowhere near strong enough....hence the "crash" all weekend.

 

Touché...

 

She will not forget you and a closed door is easily opened.

Work on yourself.

 

Is it easily opened even for a very proud - clearly confused - soul not wanting to make any mistakes?

 

I saw in her eyes how they faded when I closed it Friday evening..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi there,

 

I can truly understand your pains.. your deep feelings.. emotions.. regrets and all.

But this is, part of 'dealing with a BU'. So many things are going thru your head, it hurts! At this time, you need to aim away from her for a while and get working on you. Keep up with your med's. Get some therapy etc.

 

Re-build yourself, your self esteem, self respect etc. And do not send that letter to her.

As mentioned, it's okay to write... vent.. cry etc. Do it for yourself. She knows how you feel for her, still. Yes, both of you are hurting, but also, both of you need this time 'apart' to do what it is you're doing now....

 

Give it time... 'Love' has no timespan. It can still be there in 6 months or 6 years and if or when you two may come together again, is when or if it shall be.

 

So no reason to feel rushed in this. What you do need to do though, is come to see what all occurred for reasons as to your BU with her and work on all of that. Same goes for her...

 

Take it all.. one day at a time. Slow yourself down.. come to terms with what has happened but get yourself together enough to 'accept it' and see how things go months down the road. I feel this time between you two, apart is a good thing, otherwise, the same problems arise again and again and NOTHING ever changes therefore, failure once again.

No one needs or wants that.. especially if you do love that person.

 

No one knows the future... all we can do is try.. and give it time.

 

take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Touché...

 

 

 

Is it easily opened even for a very proud - clearly confused - soul not wanting to make any mistakes?

 

I saw in her eyes how they faded when I closed it Friday evening..

 

Yes...no one is that proud.

And it is easier to fall back into the familiar...it is stronger to heal and come back whole.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes...no one is that proud.

And it is easier to fall back into the familiar...it is stronger to heal and come back whole.

 

I know you are a wise woman.. Hope you are correct.

 

Actually, I remembered your reconciliation story when I was writing my potential message to her. You were clear to your now love that the door was open, no? Thus my (irrational) fear of having closed it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Slow yourself down.. come to terms with what has happened but get yourself together enough to 'accept it' and see how things go months down the road. I feel this time between you two, apart is a good thing, otherwise, the same problems arise again and again and NOTHING ever changes therefore, failure once again.

No one needs or wants that.. especially if you do love that person.

 

No one knows the future... all we can do is try.. and give it time.

 

take care.

 

Thank you so much for a warm reply and advice.

 

I have to admit I am terrified. Scared to death of loosing her, of never finding love again, of daring to open myself again, of her being the one, of being alone. Of it all.

 

Acceptance feels and looks like a tiny speck of light on a dark horizon. Far far away and unreachable.

 

Often I wonder where my love ends and fear begins. Nevertheless, I love this girl very very much.

 

Thanks again for the replies.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know you are a wise woman.. Hope you are correct.

 

Actually, I remembered your reconciliation story when I was writing my potential message to her. You were clear to your now love that the door was open, no? Thus my (irrational) fear of having closed it.

I was clear that the door was open...and that he needed to deal with his problems first.

And he was not too proud to return months later...with the problems solved and ask for another chance. Months...not weeks. Not days. And no contact in between from either of us --- no checking on progress, no catching up. We ran into each other once...chatted like neighbors for 5 minutes...and went back to NC for another 6 weeks.

 

You can fight the stream...or you can let it carry you. Either way...you continue on your journey to your destination. However....if you don't fight it, you wind up where you are supposed to be and you aren't so tired!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was clear that the door was open...and that he needed to deal with his problems first.

And he was not too proud to return months later...with the problems solved and ask for another chance. Months...not weeks. Not days. And no contact in between from either of us --- no checking on progress, no catching up. We ran into each other once...chatted like neighbors for 5 minutes...and went back to NC for another 6 weeks.

 

You can fight the stream...or you can let it carry you. Either way...you continue on your journey to your destination. However....if you don't fight it, you wind up where you are supposed to be and you aren't so tired!

 

That was nicely worded mhowe. I guess my overwhelming feeling of guilt and neglect for her breaking us up is why I feel the need to DO, ACT and PROVE rather than flow and trust in love...and trust the very proud woman I love so much.

 

Who I on Friday both saw and felt still loved me..

 

If the way I have felt these last days is what it is really like to have a brain WITH serotonin, then this will be a whole new world..

 

Oh my. The knot in my upper chest feels like it is pure energy and love. Not fear. It is borderline maddening, and I have never felt like this before..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Trust in love and the woman you know. That is what I did.

And trust the flow and process that needs to transpire to ensure that your reunion, if it comes to pass, will be stronger for your work and faith.

 

Tell me mhowe, do you have a religious faith? I often wished I had. While I do believe in interconnectedness of things, a form of consciousness in the universe and Zen concepts, I have always made myself sole responsible for things. Even those (probably) far outside my control. Thus my overwhelming urge to find the right words, actions and to "fix" things. Here: A relationship. All on me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was raised Catholic...but I no longer practice. I believe I god/the universe....my belief structure is a mix of Taoism/Catholicism...

 

And the lesson I have learned is that the only thing we can "fix" is ourselves. The rest is going to come or flow from that place of being our authentic self.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was raised Catholic...but I no longer practice. I believe I god/the universe....my belief structure is a mix of Taoism/Catholicism...

 

And the lesson I have learned is that the only thing we can "fix" is ourselves. The rest is going to come or flow from that place of being our authentic self.

 

Thank you. I admire your clarity and strong sense of self. And I cannot help but to agree. I am just so very scared.

 

 

 

Should anyone else have anything to chip in, please do. I really appreciate everyone's help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I am trying to calm my head... More than 48 hours have passed, and yet my urge to act / take lead in this situation is not subsiding.

 

Also, this advice about NC / not NC also makes sense to me:

 

 

 

 

It really feeks like it is my intuition, and not primarily my feelings (be they negative or positive), is telling me to contact her with something along the lines of the drafted message in my first post...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I am trying to calm my head... More than 48 hours have passed, and yet my urge to act / take lead in this situation is not subsiding.

 

Also, this advice about NC / not NC also makes sense to me:

 

 

 

 

It really feeks like it is my intuition, and not primarily my feelings (be they negative or positive), is telling me to contact her with something along the lines of the drafted message in my first post...

 

I understand this feeling, it must be quite overwhelming...

 

As I said, keeping in touch is not a bad way to go, especially when dealing with some kind of pressure.

 

And that's the word : PRESSURE. She already knows you want to change and you apologized quite a lot. It's enough for the time being. Words are cheap, especially when already spoken and you need to act. Simply act. For you and, if everything goes right, for both of you.

 

You NEED to take the drama out of your relationship or you risk driving her even further. If you don't do this, you risk being hurt even more and feel guilty for acting like this. Especially if you're still in emotional shock (which you are, considering how you reacted - no offense).

 

If you contact her, just keep it light and short. Let things come naturally. Don't throw everything on the table.

 

Hang on' !

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, I needed that!

 

I am in shock still. She put me squarely in limbo-land. It just seems difficult to take all drama away, and keep it "light" after everything and all those years.

 

My point is, if I were to make contact, I feel like I have to explain why I take back 1) that I said I could not see her as I would stagnate in limbo, and 2) that I would not take her back before she dealt with her own issues.

 

If I were to suggest a coffee or whatever, it would be almost silly or quite out of touch from where things were left..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, I needed that!

 

I am in shock still. She put me squarely in limbo-land. It just seems difficult to take all drama away, and keep it "light" after everything and all those years.

 

My point is, if I were to make contact, I feel like I have to explain why I take back 1) that I said I could not see her as I would stagnate in limbo, and 2) that I would not take her back before she dealt with her own issues.

 

If I were to suggest a coffee or whatever, it would be almost silly or quite out of touch from where things were left..

 

Then you just answered your own question : for the time being, you are not capable to talk to her. ;-)

 

Stick in NC for the moment, let the pressure go away and re-assess the situation later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Then you just answered your own question : for the time being, you are not capable to talk to her. ;-)

 

Stick in NC for the moment, let the pressure go away and re-assess the situation later.

 

I guess so... I do not know that hit me. Or, of course I do, it was her and what she said and expressed.

 

My mind is a train-wreck, and I am desperately trying to stick to the wise advice I receive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am crying so much with a sharp pain in my chest. The things she said. What I felt when I saw her.

 

This new limbo is absolutely horrible!

 

For the first time since the BU I am constantly on the verge of breaking NC.

 

How could she say all those things? Is it all lies? It sure as hell did not feel like that when I met her. But if they were true, how and why would she bring up seeing other people? Is she just confused? How am I supposed to not act on any of this? Is it all on her to act now?

 

Argh. My god damn mind is up in the air.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have written "Hi, are you open for a coffee after work? Given our meeting on Friday, it might be a good idea to sort out some thoughts."

 

Not sent it yet, but it feels like I would rather crash it all than to go on in this limbo of death..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have written "Hi, are you open for a coffee after work? Given our meeting on Friday, it might be a good idea to sort out some thoughts."

 

Not sent it yet, but it feels like I would rather crash it all than to go on in this limbo of death..

 

Hang' on !

 

You need to let this one go for the moment, find something to occupy your mind for the time being. Call your friends or family and resist this urge to sens it. You're not ready yet !

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...