Met my recent ex by chance - thrown into limbo and my mind is all over the place

[Misfortune]

I believe that ultimatums rarely work, especially if you aren't the one in "control"

[H3nk1]

I believe that ultimatums rarely work, especially if you aren't the one in "control"

 

I agree. But I had to be true to myself. I could not stand this no-mans land any longer..

[H3nk1]

Short update:

 

Well, she called me. Being very glad, saying she was about to suggest the same thing. She was going to visit me on monday regardless of me making this first contact.

 

We talked for a few hours. It was a good, calm and grounded talk. We agreed to meet for dinner in a not too many days.

 

So...we will see how this story unfolds. It will be challenging for me to deal with my own, while taking things slow with her. Be that as it may, I really felt we were on the same page. And that is something at least.

 

Edit: In a sense I feel like I have failed the wise advice of you good people. Like I gave in to fear and codependency. As I sit here by myself with a bottle of Barolo, I give a toast to you all. Here is to me proving the "golden rules" and your sage advice wrong. Oh my.

[sharky988]

Yeah, wow.... big mstake.

 

I'm sure she's going to be very happy to keep you in her life.... until the day she meets her next boyfriend.

 

Most people come to this site believing their situation is unique and that the rules don't really apply to them, and of course most of them are proven wrong. However, this is your life and I'm guessing this is your first serious breakup.

 

So... live and learn!

 

Good luck.

[H3nk1]

Yeah, wow.... big mstake.

 

I'm sure she's going to be very happy to keep you in her life.... until the day she meets her next boyfriend.

 

Most people come to this site believing their situation is unique and that the rules don't really apply to them, and of course most of them are proven wrong. However, this is your life and I'm guessing this is your first serious breakup.

 

So... live and learn!

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you. Actually, this is my second. The first time around I was the dumper.

 

Now, I have no worries whatsoever that she is stringing me along. She would have come to "take me back" on monday regardless of me messaging her, after seeing her therapist again. Who she has had several meetings with and discussed this. I also know this girl, met her and talked to her for a good long time. She wants me. And she wants it to work long term.

 

Additionally, not that it matters too much, she said it was actually me who brought up the topic of seeing other people when we met - to which she felt she had to say something.

 

We have butted heads before Sharky, and I know there is no way in hell you will believe anything else than that she will drop me cold. Well, feel free, but that is the last thing I am scared of.

 

What WILL be a huge challenge is not rushing things and fall into the same quagmires. And I WILL have to find a way to deal with my codependency issues going forward.

[sharky988]

We've butted heads before? Then this girl must make a habit of using you to get over you.

[H3nk1]

We've butted heads before? Then this girl must make a habit of using you to get over you.

 

Haha Yeah, we had a lively back and forth over the me sending a letter or not some weeks ago. I, of course, in my heartbroken wisdom, tried my best to defend that idea, you were quite adamant I was an idiot And you were quite right.

 

About her stringing me along here, well, trust me - she is not. Do we have the odds against us beyond that? Yes, probably. I will do my very best.

[Brotherhood67]

I have only one thing to say : stay true to yourself and take it slow. Don't forget the "48-hours-rule" ;-)

 

Anyway, you know this girl much better than any of this so, let's see how it turns out ! Keep us posted !

[H3nk1]

I have only one thing to say : stay true to yourself and take it slow. Don't forget the "48-hours-rule" ;-)

 

Anyway, you know this girl much better than any of this so, let's see how it turns out ! Keep us posted !

 

Thank you friend. I will stay on here as the road unwinds.

 

To the extent possible, I will do my utmost to continue therapy, medication, keep discipline and focus on myself first. I staked out a road with my new therapist today which seemed promising.

[Brotherhood67]

And anyway and if anything goes wrong, don't forget those wise words :

"There is no harm in being sometimes wrong - especially if one is promptly found out" ;-)

[doicare]

wow, reading your comments, I cringed all the way through this thread. you never did anything outward to push her away, only acted like a total wreck when she didnt see you. which i guess did no harm. pull your pants up, be a man, stay confident and most important NO rushing. Good luck.

 

I suggest you read some of the advice for having a good relationship. I forget if I recommended for you to read "getting the relationship you want" - it's a great book.

[doicare]

Edit: In a sense I feel like I have failed the wise advice of you good people.

 

On another note, she said she was going to come by to see you anyways.... As Sharky said, she wanted to try again, irrespective of you contacting her. What's done is done, but NC would have still resulted in her coming to you and kept a card close to your chest. Focus on good times going forward, and do not relive the pain of the past. couple other pieces of advice.

 

1) do not give her any advice as to how to behave or try and fix her, it will backfire - just listen when she has things to say. if you're really not sure, you can ask her "do you want me to just listen, or would you like advice?" But make this about her and validate her feelings

 

2) do not take things personally, and do not get emotional, angry, sad. happy and laughing are good though.

[H3nk1]

Thank you for the advice! Much appreciated. Heh, I have my hands full.

 

I am actually very happy things can be taken slow. If not, I would not stood much of a chance avoiding old destructive patterns.