toby4 Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 hey guys i was just updating on my situation and felt the need to vent, so me and my ex had NC for a little over a month and then we talked because we both agreed we could handle that, the problem was we couldn't. New problems from when we dated surfaced and i have started realizing what my biggest flaw in the relationship was that i was codependent. When we met up she told me she was depressed and it revitalized that feeling i had that i needed to fix her and help her be happy which i now know isn't my job. I've been in NC (started over) now for 2 weeks and Now I'm having some difficulty letting go and not putting all the blame on myself for our break up which didn't happen in that first month. Even though I've read numerous times that it's just a trait of someone that's codependent and break ups will always be harder for them and take them longer to get over i just can't seem to accept it. the break up should've been a lot less painful then it was, we ended on good terms no real specific event caused the break up it was gradual but i just keep putting all the blame on myself i need help knowing what to do. I'm not very codependent in my life but i was definitely codependent in the relationship i was constantly sacrificing my own happiness to make sure she was happy and in the end it's what drove her away. I'm going to continue no contact and i guess this post was mostly just to vent but i would like to hear your guys opinions on my situation. Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I don't know your situation very thoroughly but in my opinion, when someone loves you, you're being codependent does not ruin the relationship. It is probably just one of many reasons she claimed why she broke up with you. When in reality, that is not a very good reason. Seems like this codependency could have been solved by communicating about it. Link to comment
Twidom Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 It's only been 2 weeks. Give it more time. Also stop blaming yourself. It takes two to have a relationship and it takes two to ruin it. Accept your share of the guilt and remember that she made mistakes too. Just don't bash yourself for them...You're human and it's natural to go wrong sometimes. Take it as a lesson and improve yourself. Like I said, it's only been 2 weeks...Most people take months to heal if not years. Link to comment
toby4 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 I don't know your situation very thoroughly but in my opinion, when someone loves you, you're being codependent does not ruin the relationship. It is probably just one of many reasons she claimed why she broke up with you. When in reality, that is not a very good reason. Seems like this codependency could have been solved by communicating about it. Thanks guys i am definitely trying to heal and accept it wasn't 100% my fault and i'm glad i can vent here without being battered. we did lack in communication and we both know that... For example when she first started losing her love for me i noticed it and asked her what was wrong and told her that she was making me feel unloved and uncared for. She essentially told me that she did love me and wanted to make sure i knew that but she had already realized at that time she was ready for our relationship to end. I'm guessing she didn't end it there mostly out of guilt because i am in general a nice guy and i don't think she wanted to hurt me but she didn't realize prolonging this for 6 months was just going to make it worse. Link to comment
cryingalways Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I don't know how easy it is to stay with someone from "guilt" if you're not into them anymore. Maybe that's just me. But she sounds a bit confusing to me in her messages to you. And you shouldn't have stayed with someone who said they were ready for the relationship to end. That all just sounds very strange to me. Not comfortable at all. I think you need counseling. Just to figure out your thoughts and re learn how to not doubt your own opinions. I think lots of people have codependency in them, everyone has some. And putting her before your own needs sounds like you really cared for her to me. The thing is she have been doing it back, it should be equal. That's where the pain comes from. You shouldn't have pushed for it if she wasn't interested. You've now got to get all that self respect that you seem to have lost back. It is certainly the time. Get used to doing things on your own etc. Don't give this girl anymore of your time. She's said how she feels a couple times now, get away from her and learn to accept what has happened. Who knows, maybe you'll get back together in the future but keep that thought in the future cause it's not happening now or anytime soon. You will grow from this experience if you put the work in and you'll be happier one day once you do I think Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I don't know your situation very thoroughly but in my opinion, when someone loves you, you're being codependent does not ruin the relationship. It is probably just one of many reasons she claimed why she broke up with you. When in reality, that is not a very good reason. Seems like this codependency could have been solved by communicating about it. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Codependent behavior will not be solved by talking.about.it because the codependent person will take.it as criticism. Codependency ruins many relationships because they are too heavy to carry. The other.persons not only must deal with their own life/issues...but the happiness/depression/ bad moods and problems of their partner. Who is so focused on the "love" that they cannot see that they are suffocating their.partner. Link to comment
toby4 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 Nothing could be farther from the truth. Codependent behavior will not be solved by talking.about.it because the codependent person will take.it as criticism. Codependency ruins many relationships because they are too heavy to carry. The other.persons not only must deal with their own life/issues...but the happiness/depression/ bad moods and problems of their partner. Who is so focused on the "love" that they cannot see that they are suffocating their.partner. this is what i think happened, and im working to fix this in myself now. I need to learn to love myself and be able to be a person that my partner can go to with confidence that ill speak the truth in a loving way. Someone whos codependent will not be able to help you truly grow they will just do the quick fix to make you happy at that moment. Im currently looking into what i can do to fix this in myself but i would like to know what you think a codependent person needs to do to pull themselves out of that hole Link to comment
toby4 Posted January 4, 2014 Author Share Posted January 4, 2014 sorry i was a bit confusing, she told me she shouldve broken the relationship off when she first felt those feelings 7 months ago, at the time when i approached her about it she said that she didnt want me to feel unappreciated and that she would work to improve that. She didnt actually tell me she had lost her love at that time until 2 weeks ago Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Nothing could be farther from the truth. Codependent behavior will not be solved by talking.about.it because the codependent person will take.it as criticism. Codependency ruins many relationships because they are too heavy to carry. The other.persons not only must deal with their own life/issues...but the happiness/depression/ bad moods and problems of their partner. Who is so focused on the "love" that they cannot see that they are suffocating their.partner. Definition of codepency according to wikipedia: Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent. I don't think you can generalize this to all people wanting their partner to be happy. Same goed for depression, if my partner was to have depression due to circumstances, nothing in the world could make me think 'this is too much to carry for me'. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I can generalize and my response was to the OP. In your case...your behavior and suicidal thoughts/ issues were too much for your partner. She did not have the ability nor desire to deal with them and began withdrawing from you until it was clear that a break up was necessary. As OP has acknowledged.... you have to take responsibility for your own happiness and not depend or.put that responsibility on another. Link to comment
Lucha Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I can generalize and my response was to the OP. In your case...your behavior and suicidal thoughts/ issues were too much for your partner. She did not have the ability nor desire to deal with them and began withdrawing from you until it was clear that a break up was necessary. As OP has acknowledged.... you have to take responsibility for your own happiness and not depend or.put that responsibility on another. You couldn't be more wrong. She started withdrawing months before I got depressed/suicidal. In fact it is one o the reasons why I started to get unhappy. Depression set in BECAUSE she was almost completely withdrawn and when my pets died. I can understand she didn't want to deal with that because emotionally she was long gone. Link to comment
cryingalways Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think people giving advice on here can be wrong sometimes about some things. Only because we don't actually know each other personally or necessarily have all the details etc. We just go on what we read. There's often a lot of very good advice on here having said that so don't get discouraged. It's just good to be aware that this is an internet forum and we don't necessarily have all the details needed for a proper analysis. A counselor would be the right person for that. However, I have found this site very useful and there's really some very supportive people on here who are also very insightful. Link to comment
toby4 Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 hey guys just wanted to update on my situation, i looked into seeing a therapist but sadly i can't afford it but i do think i'm getting better. the problem is my ex is really trying to make friends work, I'm not sure why she is trying to do stuff with me all the sudden because she was being very disconnected from me for awhile... It's definitely not anything like she wants to date again because she is trying to get our mutual friends to all hang out together but I just cant do it... In her mind we are on "good terms" and i dont want to tell her again that i cant talk to her because i dont like being a person who constantly goes back and forth on their decisions. As of now im just telling my friends that im not hanging out with the group if shes there and im telling her im busy when she tries to play games online with me but jeez is it hard to say no. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Stay strong...it gets easier. Link to comment
toby4 Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Stay strong...it gets easier. Thanks its hard though my friends keep telling me to just get over it and to stop acting so down... i really wish i could i hate the way this makes me feel.... Link to comment
kz91 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I don't know much about your situation but what I can say is give it a little more time, as it's only been two weeks. Take each day as it comes. Link to comment
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