Communication while abroad on vacation in a healing relationship ...

[confused8787]

I have been in a > 2 year relationship with a guy. We recently went through the biggest rough patch back in Sept/Oct. Basically he broke my trust (he didn't sleep with anyone or do anything physical) but to me it was a violation of trust and it was disrespectful. It took me a month to think things through and make the decision to give him a second chance. He was grateful for the opportunity and said he would show me through actions that he is making amends. Part of those actions included communicating with me more via text or phone calls or emails when we are apart. He has definitely lived up to his word and we have a much better relationship. Even he has said that he thinks we have grown stronger from our rough patch. At the same time however I was still having a hard time letting go of the past and getting over my anger and insecurity. But I worked on it because that's the only way we were going to move on. Now here is the issue I am currently facing ... I am on a vacation now overseas to see my family. They don't know about him yet because they would not approve. This means I cannot call him for the 10 days that I am away. Instead, I secretly text him using google and email him. Going away since the incident was rough on me. I just felt my insecurity bubbling up again. Before I left I told him how I felt and he reassured me that the mistakes he made would not happen again, that I had nothing to worry about and that he would keep in touch via text and email. I don't see my family often, a few times a year, and so I want this trip to be about them. I don't want my worries to ruin these special moments. Especially when he is keeping his word and communicating as well as reassuring me. However I am still paranoid and uneasy when he doesn't text me back in a few hours or he delays in replying to my email by half a day etc. I mean he has a life too and family to spend time with so I shouldn't be so needy!! And I completely recognize it. It's ruining my vacation and depressing me as a result. Here are some of the things you should know as we'll:

 

- he and I don't live together but he spends a lot of time with me, less time with family.

- when we are apart he tries to text a few times a day if he can. Regardless tho he will call every night to say good night.

- he says I love you and I miss you often

- he asks about my day and now that I'm away he asks how my family time is

 

I don't know why I freak out when he takes time to reply. He eventually does!! And he has the opportunity to spend time with his family now just like me. I should not be calling him from abroad asking him why he didn't text back. And complaining. I made an international call to complain!!

 

What is wrong with me ?? I feel out of control. Yes the insecurity is there from the incident but if I'm giving him a second chance then I should do so fully!! Even he says, give me the opportunity to show you that I want this relationship and to put in effort.

 

Anyways, any constructive advice? How should the communication be while I'm away abroad? Should I give him some space and take some as well? Right now we text 1-2 times and send a short email. But I feel like I can't communicate everything I want to share with him about my trip in such terse ways. Should I just keep the talk simple and wait to tell him everything when I get back next week??

[Kendahke]

What's wrong with you is that you've allowed the incident which you claim you've resolved in your head and forgiven him for to rule you. Period. You're worshipping at that altar.

 

Fact is: you DON'T trust him. That is what all of this is about. Say whatever you want to the contrary, but you don't trust him.

 

Start by being truthful with yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

[confused8787]

What's wrong with you is that you've allowed the incident which you claim you've resolved in your head and forgiven him for to rule you. Period. You're worshipping at that altar.

 

Fact is: you DON'T trust him. That is what all of this is about. Say whatever you want to the contrary, but you don't trust him.

 

Start by being truthful with yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

 

Yes that's obvious. I mean he broke my trust, I didn't trust him after that incident. But it can be repaired over time. Just like when children lie to their parents, you give them the chance to learn from their mistakes. And he is rebuilding my trust slowly. But it takes time and my trIP sort of fell in the middle of all of this. It's hard when you're working towards rebuilding something to have to pause cause you both have lives individually to follow.

 

Whether you believe in second chances or not is not the issue. I do. That's what matters. I'm asking for advice on the communication end and my ability to push the envelope too much at time s.

[shelty24]

Sometimes you have to know when to admit defeat and give up. Why are you clinging onto someone who hurt you and broke your trust? 2 years is really not that long and if hes capable of hurting you so early-whats he gonna be capable of at 5 years, 10 years, 20 years?

 

Some people cant do monogamy-period and it sounds like hes one of them. Its up to you to protect your heart and love you more than him or the relationship when it becomes dysfunctional.

 

And this is dysfunctional. Its hurting you more to be with him than it would without him. You would heal, move on and meet someone else

 

stay and this insecurity that is having a huge impact on your emotional health could last forever.

 

Its not possible to trust someone who proves they are capable of betraying you

[amipushy]

I dont agree with Shelty. Everyone makes mistakes, this whole site is full of people who have made mistakes and deserve a second chance. I also dont agree that we should give up on love so easily. Life is short and we need to forgive and forget. We grow and learn from our mistakes and if we cant be forgiven by the person who loves us more than anyone else what a bitter world it would be.

 

 

OP...It doesnt sound like you have truly forgiven him yet, despite you perhaps thinking you have. I think you have to if you are ever to learn to trust him again.

 

As for the time delay in texting....You know he will reply in your mind, so know it in your heart too. Your wasting your time and effort holding on to such anxiety. Let it go.

[Kendahke]

Yes that's obvious. I mean he broke my trust, I didn't trust him after that incident. But it can be repaired over time. Just like when children lie to their parents, you give them the chance to learn from their mistakes. And he is rebuilding my trust slowly. But it takes time and my trIP sort of fell in the middle of all of this. It's hard when you're working towards rebuilding something to have to pause cause you both have lives individually to follow.

 

Whether you believe in second chances or not is not the issue. I do. That's what matters. I'm asking for advice on the communication end and my ability to push the envelope too much at time s.

 

I said:

What's wrong with you is that you've allowed the incident which you claim you've resolved in your head and forgiven him for to rule you. Period. You're worshipping at that altar.

 

Fact is: you DON'T trust him. That is what all of this is about. Say whatever you want to the contrary, but you don't trust him.

 

Start by being truthful with yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

 

I didn't say anything about not giving him a second chance--you need to own that, it's not mine to own. I said that you need to start telling yourself the truth that you do not trust him.

 

The communication end of things begins with you being honest with yourself.

 

It's not repaired---that's the thing. As long as you aren't truthful with yourself, it will never be repaired. Heck, you can't even be truthful with me--you're saying I'm saying things I never said.

 

Start there first and quit fighting against what you dont' want to hear, but need to hear if you truly want to work past this.

[confused8787]

So the thing is I KNOW I do not trust him yet. I see he is working really hard to regain my trust but I'm not there yet. Time will allow me to heal, it has only been 2 months of repair work. Plus I don't let things go easily as per my nature, even with small arguments. I want to be able to wholeheartedly trust him again someday. Only time And patience will get us there. You cannot expect me to turn on the trust switch immediately once again. All I believe right now is that he wants to do the right thing. The sad part is he prob knows I don't trust him yet. Yet he hasn't stopped working towards that goal. I think I'm allowed the time I need to trust again, right?

 

Like I said. I believe in second chances. It's a lot of work and I can see why some people find it futile to go through it. But I want to try for the sake of our love together. I know one thing for sure. He is madly in love with me. And I love him equally as much.

 

I should learn to temper my anxiety because I know full we'll that he is busy and will get back to me when he can. I let it get the best of me and start complaining about how he didn't text me back or didn't respond to my email etc. And for example yesterday he did respond to my texts once or twice. He then fell silent for 4 hours. I got anxious and took it out on him. He said he was spending time with his dad, something he doesn't do that often. Then I felt bad!! Why did I come off so selfish and needy?? I hate it about myself.p

 

Maybe I should just let it go, let life take its course and not control it so much. I'm missing out on quality time with my family!!

[Kendahke]

Never set your self adrift in order to keep control over a man. It causes you to lose who you are and when the time comes when you need her, she won't be there.

 

Go live your life. Do what you would be doing if he wasn't a part of your life. Let him have his time. If he's doing nothing to trigger you, then that means you've got too much time on your hands inventing scenarios in order to be right---and you can be right and be alone.

 

Launching off into him over your fears will eventually wear thin with him and he will give you a reason, but by that time, he will have one foot out of the relationship. Don't give him a reason to rethink the wisdom of being involved with you. Rein that in, hon.

[shelty24]

Its co'dependent thinking to say "everyone makes mistakes" or "everyone deserves a second chance".

 

Sorry but those words make me cringe. Cheating is not a mistake. Its a decision, a choice, a selfish betrayal and a leapord does not change his spots.