I can't stand this situation any longer. Get me out of this cage please.

[mesmerized]

Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk to you again...

 

I'm sorry if some of you will find this post too long or too similar to some of my previous ones.

 

I've been fighting against myself not to post anything here but I just can't take it any longer. I have no bloody idea where to begin, where to start or how to divide up this post.

 

22nd of December is almost over. Another year is almost over. Another year that makes me feel I'm wasting my life... No. A small correction. The feeling of having wasted my life. Christmas time and the New Year's Eve... All alone. Without my family, without anyone.

 

In November it was my birthday. I can't even recall when the last time I celebrated my birthday with someone was. My personal life is a mess. Actually, where I live I have no social life at all. In my hometown I used to go to concerts every week... Meet with my best friend... Even date some girls. Actually, I'm good looking... I've been in several relationships... I don't have big issues with talking to girls or women... But... Since the last relationship ended... I haven't been able to be close with anyone. 2 years have passed and I don't really feel like being with a woman. I even find them a bit... hmm... disturbing. If I told you I'd been dating a lot, I'd be a liar... Some of my co-workers party extensively and find sex partners every week... Some of them try to drag girls to bed even at their workplace. I find it so disgusting. I'm a teacher and I treat my job seriously. I can't accept what some of my co-workers are doing, that is sleeping with students.

 

I'm so disillusioned about the world. Nobody cares about moral standards anymore. Everything is money driven. Even education aims at taking money out of the students' pockets. Those who have money can study in the US, Canada or New Zealand and are even permitted to stay. Those who are not capable to pay for that have to go to low-level schools. I'm so disappointed with this world. It all makes me so sick. I see people cheating on each other for the benefit of making money. I see people changing their views like a flag on a windy day. Nobody lives up to their word. Nobody cares about a given promise. It's all a show. "I'll stab you if you don't stab me first." I see no morality, no real sense of love, no sense of life at all. Here in China it's particularly noticeable how the booming economy is bending peoples' minds... Money is the driving force behind every move. People are loosing their values, selling their souls to the devil himself.

 

Like I said, I'm a teacher. I also feel disillusioned about my profession. I had to leave my homeland because the money I was making was not even enough to live on my own. So I came here, to teach English (my major was Teaching ESL and American/English Literature) but I soon realized how everything works here. Teachers are usually not teachers. Without any background in education. Asia will swallow everyone who is from one of the "5 blessed countries" but Americans are still preferred. Blue eyed and blond haired. That's all what training centers or schools want. To put up a show. To make the kiddies and their parents happy that there is a foreigner "teaching" here... I could go on and on how frustrating this situation is... The biggest problem I'm facing is that I, being a non-native speaker of English, have to face a constant "NO" from employers... I always send them my CV first... I send my demo videos to them... and they are so eager to have an interview with me... They tell me how great the demos are... and then one question ends everything... "What passport do you hold?" or "Where are you from?" or "What is your nationality?" When I tell them I'm not a native (even though for 99% of people I sound like a native) they stop answering my emails... calls...

 

So I ended up in one of the most polluted cities in China where Americans usually don't want to come... The pollution here is so serious that I have already been twice at the hospital because of the respiratory system problems... My skin has gotten much worse two... I look unhealthy, have shadows under my eyes all the time... I know I'm dying here both mentally and physically but at least I can earn decent money... Still, I'm not developing in any way and nobody here appreciates my efforts. Yes, students tell me that I'm the most professional teacher they I've ever met... My current employer puts me up to the front and wants new customers to take my classes because he's sure that once they attend my class they'll happily splash out thousands of Chinese RMB on the table... So I'm a marketing horse... Without having a chance of being promoted...

 

I see no future for me. I can accept being alone, I can accept not having a woman by my side... I can cope with reality without having anyone... But I cannot accept the world as it is. And I cannot accept the fact that no-one appreciates my efforts, that I have no chance for a better future. I cannot accept that my ambitions always go to the garbage can... I cannot accept such kind of life. At times I've thought of suicide but... I don't know. I don't want to disappoint my family members.

 

I love studying, reading books, getting knowledge... I also teach history and literature and it feels so great to be able to talk about these subjects... But again... The management in my current school is so bad that students started leaving the International Project... So... I sometimes prepare for the class for hours... and then... I have to talk to an empty classroom... or two students... You have no idea how frustrating and disappointing that is... And even those two or three students say that they only come for my class because the others are just worthless...

 

I wanted to get a PhD or even go back to the university because I love studying... But I don't have enough money... I've been browsing the Internet and all American, Canadian or English schools are simply too expensive. I cannot go back to my country because I'd earn peanuts and have to go back to live with my parents. Time is passing by... I was born in 1984... and I feel I have wasted my life. I'm in a cage without any way of escaping it. I'm literally choking to death here... You can't imagine how bad the air is in this city. It's one of the 10 most polluted cities in the world and I've been here for over two years. You have no idea how depressing it feels to see this dreary, gray horizon every day... Sometimes you can't see the buildings outside my window...

 

When I calculate my age and how much time it'd take me to get a PhD I get scared. 35 years old, without any other job experience except in teaching... Nobody will employ me. I'm already too old for some employers in Europe because it's much cheaper to employ a student or a fresh graduate. I really don't see any future. I don't know. Sometimes I think I'll just stay here forever and then... when I become replaceable... I'll just have to buy a long rope.

 

Is my dream too big? Why can other people study in the best universities or get PhD's? Some of them can even teach at universities after that.

 

I'm completely lost. Tomorrow's another day and the day after that it'll be Christmas... And I'll be at work. Loneliness is killing me. I can't cope with it any longer.

 

To be honest, the only thing that really makes me happy is studying literature and history. That's why I wanted to get a PhD and become a lecturer. I feel happy when I can meticulously prepare my classes and then face the students.

 

I think this quote from Macbeth reflects how I feel...

 

"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time.

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle.

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing. "

[SpottiOtti]

I cannot go back to my country because I'd earn peanuts and have to go back to live with my parents.

 

You mean you choose not to come home.

 

What's good about your life in China? What makes you choose to stay there?

 

Your life, your choices. Own it. I know sometimes it feels very good to sink into sumptuous despair, but you can only wallow for so long. What are you going to do to change your situation?

[Piep]

The thing is our whole society is based on the believe that we are machines. It's all about individuality which is pretty much thought since we were kids. Win this competition, be the best at whatever you do! It's a shame because this promotes the mindset that we can only be happy at the expense of others, which is what we see people doing today. Anyway I see your looking for a lot of things to be different and I understand but think long and hard about what you want. Chances are you'll feel good about it once you achieved some of your goals but a few weeks down the road you'll feel excactly the same way. There is always something to strive for, which is okay, but while your striving don't forget to enjoy where you already are.

[duke nukem]

Mes, maybe you just need to come home? Find yourself before you go looking for anything else?

[mesmerized]

You mean you choose not to come home.

 

What's good about your life in China? What makes you choose to stay there?

 

Your life, your choices. Own it. I know sometimes it feels very good to sink into sumptuous despair, but you can only wallow for so long. What are you going to do to change your situation?

 

First of all, thanks for the answer Spotti Otti. Now... with all due respect... Have you read my whole post? Are you one of those people who believe in the impossible is nothing You really think I choose to stay where I am now? OK, sure, to a certain extent it is... but I simply cannot go back to my country. It would be my biggest personal failure. I'd rather shoot myself in the head than just go back and return to my old lifestyle. Not to mention not having a job.

[mesmerized]

Mes, maybe you just need to come home? Find yourself before you go looking for anything else?

 

Thanks Duke old fellow for dropping by... I'll reply soon.