BF yells, calls me names and hangs up on me

[Justagirl19]

I am in no way condoning his behavior but wanted to point out a common issue in situations like this. You've made the truth uncomfortable for him. He was truthful in telling you this person called and why she called. You responded by asking him to explain why she needed to call him for that. He cant answer that because she's the one who did it. You let your own insecurity rule out what may have been an actually honest situation.

 

When someone comes to another with truth, and then they are made to feel its still their fault it then becomes a damned if I do, damned if I don't feeling for them and they become defensive. Especially if he has been respecting your wishes and not talking to this person.

 

hmmmm.........hmmmm.....hmmmm........hmmmmm.........now this is where i get confused on what to do. Now im started to pull back thinking "what if he was being completely honest and i started questioning him" but even so, im allowed to ask questions right? and he has no right to just go off on me like that. hmmm

[Edmund Exley]

Huh? If he'd been respecting her wishes and not talking to her why did he answer the phone? There's only one way you can not talk to someone. Halfway don't cut it.

 

He didnt answer the phone. She left a voicemail.

[Justagirl19]

Huh? If he'd been respecting her wishes and not talking to her why did he answer the phone? There's only one way you can not talk to someone. Halfway don't cut it.

 

He says he didnt answer, that she left a message. which comes down to me trusting thats what really happen. In the back of my mind, i think he did answer, but isnt telling me that part.

[Edmund Exley]

hmmmm.........hmmmm.....hmmmm........hmmmmm.........now this is where i get confused on what to do. Now im started to pull back thinking "what if he was being completely honest and i started questioning him" but even so, im allowed to ask questions right? and he has no right to just go off on me like that. hmmm

 

That still doesn't negate his behavior in handling it.

[Justagirl19]

No, Im on my own here. Dont have friends or family to help me. Or baby daddies as a matter of fact. I work full time 10 hours a day and pay for daycare and everything alone.

[Edmund Exley]

He says he didnt answer, that she left a message. which comes down to me trusting thats what really happen. In the back of my mind, i think he did answer, but isnt telling me that part.

 

So again you made up your mind not to believe. Perhaps you have a reason, but if you arent ever going to allow yourself to believe him again, than you should probably end the relationship anyway.

[pl3asehelp]

He says he didnt answer, that she left a message. which comes down to me trusting thats what really happen. In the back of my mind, i think he did answer, but isnt telling me that part.

 

If he made it clear to her not to contact him this would not have happened. When I need something, I know which people are not an option to call.

[Edmund Exley]

If he made it clear to her not to contact him this would not have happened. When I need something, I know which people are not an option to call.

 

So its his fault she doesn't make the same decisions you do? No chance he made it clear and she ignored it?

 

OP, beware this poster leads the league in pessimism here. He didnt even bother to read that he claimed she left a voicemail.

[Edmund Exley]

OP - of course you are allowed to ask questions BUT the questions you were asking he wasn't capable of answering because you were asking him to explain why SHE chose to go that route, so they aren't fair questions. With the history of the situation that most likely made him feel like you already didn't believe what he told you.

 

He may have been frustrated by the fact that in his mind, he was doing the right thing by bringing this to you, and still he was made to feel guilty for it.

[pl3asehelp]

So its his fault she doesn't make the same decisions you do? No chance he made it clear and she ignored it?

 

OP, beware this poster leads the league in pessimism here. He didnt even bother to read that he claimed she left a voicemail.

 

Sure, it's possible, but not likely enough that I would risk anything of value on those odds. Look out for yourself OP.

[Justagirl19]

If he made it clear to her not to contact him this would not have happened. When I need something, I know which people are not an option to call.

 

yeah thats a great point!!!!!!! She has some nerve geez. UHHH............UNLESS he never told her that. WEll he did cause i remember a voicemail she left after that saying she isnt sure why his gf said not to contact him cause there just friends. girls are shady.

[Edmund Exley]

Well, I cant speak for whether he is truthful or not. My only point was how you can handle yourself. If you are willing to be in a relationship with someone and tell them you are going to give them a chance to be truthful, it makes no sense to make up your mind not to believe them.

 

As I said, you should end this relationship anyway. You most likely will never trust him, and he is verbally abusive. If your reason for staying with him is you have no one else, then thats as equally selfish as him talking to an old friend.

[savignon]

Stop this relationship and focus on yourself and your kids.

Who called or why or what was said will keep you in this situation longer than you need to be. It doesn't matter.

If you can't afford therapy then just focus on bringing some joy and stability to your kids. Like I said, the payback will be worth $1000s of therapy and it's free!!

[Justagirl19]

OP - of course you are allowed to ask questions BUT the questions you were asking he wasn't capable of answering because you were asking him to explain why SHE chose to go that route, so they aren't fair questions. With the history of the situation that most likely made him feel like you already didn't believe what he told you.

 

He may have been frustrated by the fact that in his mind, he was doing the right thing by bringing this to you, and still he was made to feel guilty for it.

 

Yes you may be right, BUT maybe he could have been a little nicer to me about it. And the fact that i was crying while he i was yelling at me and then he just hung up, and doesnt even say sorry today in his text this morning. He just has to make sure he is upset im not "supporting" him when he is so busy at work working 13 hr days. How can he not feel bad for making me cry and hangin up on the twice?

[Edmund Exley]

Yes you may be right, BUT maybe he could have been a little nicer to me about it. And the fact that i was crying while he i was yelling at me and then he just hung up, and doesnt even say sorry today in his text this morning. He just has to make sure he is upset im not "supporting" him when he is so busy at work working 13 hr days. How can he not feel bad for making me cry and hangin up on the twice?

 

I made it clear his behavior is unacceptable. It honestly sounds like you both have some things to work on.

[ParisPaulette]

Ditto to Ms. Darcy. And other females can't get in the way unless he's placing them squarely there in the first place. Relationships are supposed to be happy and fun and enhance you, if they don't it is a colossal sad waste of your time to stick around for what? More verbal abuse, more cheating behaviors, more stress? Oh, and if you have kids and he's not a kid person BIG PROBLEM! Focus on your kids, focus on your own life, leave this jerk in the dust and move on.

[Justagirl19]

Stop this relationship and focus on yourself and your kids.

Who called or why or what was said will keep you in this situation longer than you need to be. It doesn't matter.

If you can't afford therapy then just focus on bringing some joy and stability to your kids. Like I said, the payback will be worth $1000s of therapy and it's free!!

 

Yes the whole point is that i need to stop the relationship. my kids are more important. I guess i just needed to get some opinions on what to do, or if i was making a bad decision or not by leaving him. Now i need to stay busy somehow and keep my mind off of him after the kids are in bed. I have bad insomnia so i lay awake and its not good. I then get weak and give in. I have to stay strong!

[Edmund Exley]

Ditto to Ms. Darcy. And other females can't get in the way unless he's placing them squarely there in the first place. Relationships are supposed to be happy and fun and enhance you, if they don't it is a colossal sad waste of your time to stick around for what? More verbal abuse, more cheating behaviors, more stress? Oh, and if you have kids and he's not a kid person BIG PROBLEM! Focus on your kids, focus on your own life, leave this jerk in the dust and move on.

 

So theres no chance he removed this person and she still thought she could go a head and call him?

[Justagirl19]

I made it clear his behavior is unacceptable. It honestly sounds like you both have some things to work on.

 

Yes we do and thats why we were going to therapy, but since we both work so much during the week, we only had the weekends to go, which is difficult for any therapist not being open on the weekends, and then finding a babysitter for an hour is difficult when i dont have anyone to help. Everyone is right, i need to just end it and move on with my own life and concentrate on my kids. And ive said this soooo many times. Actually, edmund, you have read some of my previous stories about this same guy. not sure if you remember but nothing has really changed. maybe a little better but obviously things are still not ok.

[Justagirl19]

So theres no chance he removed this person and she still thought she could go a head and call him?

 

good point. Yeah i think maybe thats what happen, but the way he handled it, makes it seem like he just doesnt care. I asked a simple question and he flipped out making it seem as if he is hiding things.

[Edmund Exley]

good point. Yeah i think maybe thats what happen, but the way he handled it, makes it seem like he just doesnt care. I asked a simple question and he flipped out making it seem as if he is hiding things.

 

Its a helpless feeling when even when you come forth with the truth you are still not seen as being truthful.

 

You didn't ask a simple question. You asked a question that he couldnt answer because it was someone else's decision.

[Edmund Exley]

I went back and read your previous threads and I do remember them. Its time to end this. Nothing is going to change.

[pl3asehelp]

good point. Yeah i think maybe thats what happen, but the way he handled it, makes it seem like he just doesnt care. I asked a simple question and he flipped out making it seem as if he is hiding things.

 

Don't get hung up on this what if either. The verbal abuse, under ANY cisrcumstances is totally unacceptable.

[Edmund Exley]

I think in full fairness to others who hadnt read your previous threads, it should be known that most of your insecurity is based on the facts of his past history before you.

 

You bare some responsibility for continuing a relationship with him having known his past made you feel insecure. He is more or less having to answer for his life before you.

[Justagirl19]

I think in full fairness to others who hadnt read your previous threads, it should be known that most of your insecurity is based on the facts of his past history before you.

 

You bare some responsibility for continuing a relationship with him having known his past made you feel insecure. He is more or less having to answer for his life before you.

 

eh some of it is....just knowing the way he was makes me think, why would he settle down now?? And the other huge thing is that one incedent we broke up and he ended up meeting someone 3 days later at the bar, ( the same bar he still goes to) and got her number and gave his out, and then started talking with her and when we got back together, he continued talking to her, and only until i CAUGHT him, then he confessed and was sorry. Otherwise, who knows how long that would have gone on behind my back. It went on for a month before i knew about it. Also makes me think he is really good at hiding these kinds of things if he could go on for a month and i had no clue at all. Like he didnt feel bad at all. What else could he do behind my back??