Breakup yesterday - a little confused and could use advise - Thanks!

[doicare]

Hey There,

 

Im in a long distance relationship, been about 3 years. We have been going back and forth oversees, seeing each other a lot. my last visit was really not great, she was angry at me, and finally broke down and told me she was never going to move for me. I asked if she wanted me to move there, she said she didnt know. I said lets call this what this is, over. I went to leave immediate after she said what she said and suddenly we were back together. We briefly discussed me moving there. That said when I came back home, I started to distance myself, as she was still a bit angry towards me, for what Im not sure. No matter how much I did for her, it was never enough. I have always had a strong backbone and stand up for myself, yet I do a lot for her and say things to make her feel loved (without being needy).

 

Anyways fast forward a few months, I distance, she panicks and starts calling me asking half in hysterics if I planned on dumping her. I keep it up for a couple months because I figured she needed some space with her anger and not being totally sure. Things progressed a bit, and we just planned a trip in Feb last week, we exchanged a few cute emails over the week. She works a lot, so things go silent over the weekend. Monday comes around and I called her to make plans to visit over the holidays. I then get an email (yes an email after 3 years) yesterday saying she doesnt want to be in a LDR relationship and has been having doubts about this for a while, and that we could talk about it in a couple days when she's had time to calm down. I sent a very short response and said I was a little caught by surprise, but no worries we could talk later.

 

I sent her some gifts for her bday which got today, and today is her bday. She sends me a thank you email, for giving her space, and for the amazing gifts asking me when we can talk. I threw out a day next week. She sends me a few more emails with her detailed schedule of when she's free, with pictures of my gifts, and very happy easygoing attitude, like she's looking forward to talking. She also asked if I had called from a blocked and said she was sorry she didnt hear the phone. I didnt call....

 

I get the impression that she's still very confused and interested esp bc of the emails and this is really out of whack. I wonder if this is a power move on her part, as she said a few weeks back that she knows the best way to get your way in a relationship is to pull back. So Im wondering if this is an ultimatum to move or retaliation for my distancing. That said I know she has a tough time deciding what she wants in life. This though really came out of left field.

 

Im not emotional, or needy. I love her to bits, have a good job, am smart, confident, fun, happy and attractive, and I know she's not a condition to my happiness. Im going to ask her what this is all about, in other words is it about the distance or us, and put my listening ear on and just listen without judgement to what she has to say. Im a little confused by whole situation.

 

Any advise is appreciated.

[mhowe]

I think this is about someone else in the picture. Thus her confusion about you moving there. And I certainly would not entertain moving abroad with second showing such ambivalence and disrespect. Maybe she wanted to hang in there knowing you would be sending bday first. Regardless...her behaviour leaves much to be desired.

[doicare]

I think this is about someone else in the picture. Thus her confusion about you moving there. And I certainly would not entertain moving abroad with second showing such ambivalence and disrespect. Maybe she wanted to hang in there knowing you would be sending bday first. Regardless...her behaviour leaves much to be desired.

 

Thanks and yeah that's always a possibility, but this started really in the summer. And I spent a month and a bit with her, if there was another man, I think it would have surfaced in that time. Im totally in with her family (parents love me) too, her sis just added me to her fb, among other members of her family prior to that. not to mention she was in a panic, up until a week ago worrying i was going to break up with her. maybe she just met someone this week. Guess that's always a possibilty, but I feel like it's an extension of a longer standing issue. That and she's not the type of person who jumps from one relationship to another. Im only her 3rd boyfriend and she's in her 30's.

[mhowe]

What longer standing issue?

[doicare]

Well longer standing, being the whole distance thing. She's not keen on moving, and she seemed to say she's not keen on giving up her family and career (whole life essentially) to be with me and it's not fair that she do it and not me. And while I suggested moving there, I never followed up on it and she called me on it 5-6weeks ago. I guess my silence has given her as much of an answer as she thinks shell get from me. That's my best guess, and why I think this Cud be an ultimatum. I seriously doubt she met someone new...

[mhowe]

Are you seriously thinking about giving up your career, proximity to family and friends for her?

[doicare]

I have my own company and can work from anywhere. It would actually be easier for me to work from her country. Family and friends I'll miss big time.

[mhowe]

Your life, your choice...your lesson.

[iam42]

I read somewhere: "don't cross an ocean for someone who wouldn't jump a puddle for you." I think that may apply here.

[doicare]

Right now I'm just looking for some answers. Guess I'll find out soon enough. I've played the distance game, maybe I went to far. Not that I need to overwhelm her with attention but if we're not finished when we speak next week, sounds like I need to give her some more attention and kind words.

[doicare]

anybody else have any advice/insight?