My boyfriend says "no" to sex often now. Help!

[tygerwolf]

Hello guys, I have an issue. I don't come here hardly at all for help but this has been bothering me for about 6 months now...

 

My boyfriend have a great relationship, other than the sex part of it. He is 30 and i'm 22 years old. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and we do not live together. We spend a lot of time together (he initiates this often and wants to share every aspect of his life with me. Friends, family ect,) This is wonderful! He is a great man with great values and I love him so much!

 

However, for the past 6 months on average, we have sex once a month! I'm feeling really lucky if its twice a month at this point. We used to have sex twice a week and then once a week become our average. Now its dwindled down to this point... I try to initiate in different ways. I'll hint in a sexy way or start kissing him, start touching him or being very close. I'll even just flat out tell him im horny or that I want him! Hes gotten to the point where he says "no" about 90% of the time I initiate. But im always ready to go when hes willing. I have NEVER declined sex. And just so everyone is clear on this I am a very fit 110 pound young woman. Its certainly not because i've gained weight or anything.

 

So I asked him what was wrong and told him that I wished we has sex more often and that it was important to me. His reply was that he is very stressed situation wise and financially. He said that it was not me but that he just doesn't think about it as much anymore... Also he feels bad about himself physically. He hasnt had much time for the gym anymore and feels that he has gained weight. Before my boyfriend met me he lived on his own, but because of college and financial circumstances, he had to move back in with his parents. This much I know is true. He hates that he lives with his parents still and that he cannot provide for me or for himself. Hes working a lot so that he can pay off his debt, finish college and move out. He talks about this often.

 

I love him so much and I dont want his issues to put such a damper on our relationship. I consider myself to have a pretty high sex drive. Sex a couple times a week would be ideal for me. But ive had to hold onto my desires even when we are together almost every day! Despite everything, I love him so much and desire him! Ive told him this a number of times. I've told him that I will always encourage him and be supportive and that sex was not that important but that I sincerely enjoyed having sex with him. His slight weight gain has not effected my attraction for him either. I have told him this and assured him a number of times.

 

Do you guys have any advice for me? This has been difficult for me.

[abitbroken]

Self esteem plays into sex big time for a guy. For women, not feeling loved or being stressed dwindles their sex drive.

 

Just like a man who is frustrated from little sex with a woman, I would encourage you to sometimes kiss him and not expect or ask for sex. Or give him a massage with no expectation also sometimes. I would also let him know that you are supportive of him. Having to move back in with parents is a huge blow to the self image for MANY guys, particular guys that are established in a career.

 

This much I know is true. He hates that he lives with his parents still and that he cannot provide for me or for himself.

 

he shouldn't provide for you at all.

 

When does he finish college? Honestly, if you love him and everything else about your relationship is good - I would take notice and if school will be done in six months, a year, etc, I would just watch for signs of improvement and use a vibrator. And make sure you are not suggesting dates that cost money.

 

HOWEVER, if he has lived with his folks the entire time you have known him and the rut has lasted 2 1/2, i might reconsider the relationship. I

[junebug123]

And make sure you are not suggesting dates that cost money.

 

I was thinking about this too, being that your young, i wonder if you are working. Generally you have to want to feel sexy or good about yourself to want to have sex, chances are he is probably feeling depressed and just not in the mood. This happens to all men, some tend to have more sex when they are depressed (I fall into this category), while others will just not feel motivated at all.

[offplanet]

I don't think it's any use trying to get someone to want to have sex with you more than they naturally do. It's not going to work that way. There's nothing he can do to increase his sex drive and the pressure of knowing you want it more is only going to make it worse. He's going to feel that pressure from you. As it's obviously bothering you a lot, unfortunately maybe you two are just not well matched.

[tygerwolf]

Thank you so much everyone for the helpful replies!

 

Just to clarify, I dont expect him to provide at all, and ive told him this. I'm a senior in college with a part time job. In fact when we go out, we go for very cheap dates and we split everything down the middle. We have friends that work at our local movie theater and they let us in for free! Dinner dates consist of Chik-fil-a or Chilli's at our most expensive. In fact I will often times volunteer to pay for him or cook for him. Sometimes he does not like it when I offer this. He seems to feel much better when we simply split costs.

 

The thing about him "providing" is something in his mind ive tried to talk to him about. Hes explained it to me this way: he just wants to feel like he can stand on his own two feet and properly be able to help me and his family when we need him. I have told him that this is unnecessary but I appreciate the fact that this matters to him.

 

I also often touch and kiss him without further expectations. I rub his back without being asked, kiss him for no reason and I also hug him or cuddle when I get a chance. In the last month or so I have made no mention of sex.

 

His career and situation is getting better. He recently got a better job that is actually a big step closer to his desired career goal (He still has more college to complete. 1 and a half years left to be exact.). He is making the progress hes been talking about the last couple of years. I am so proud of him. He's worked hard to get to the point hes at.

 

I guess I will stay quiet for now about sex and try to be more supportive of him. Its just becoming difficult the longer it draws out for me. It sort of stabs at my self esteem at times. I understand this is selfish of me and because of this I try to stifle the temptation to take it personally. Im sure it would only make things worse for him.

[louisecar]

i would stay with him and see if things change. he started out with a higher sex drive so it does seem circumstantial. keep physical intimacy in your relationship by kissing, cuddling and massaging each other without it leading to sex. also continue to not initiate sex and see how long it takes him to. he may feel pressure knowing you want sex more and it can be imasculating for a man if his girlfriend is always the one to initiate. there are subtle ways of turning him on without seeming like you are trying to and then he will feel as tho he initiated the sex. also get yourself a vibrator to help with the sexual frustration.if things dont improve in a few months you might have to rethink the relationship.

[junebug123]

Thank you so much everyone for the helpful replies!

 

Just to clarify, I dont expect him to provide at all, and ive told him this. I'm a senior in college with a part time job. In