I just need a place to let some stress out...

[sonicfan287]

Hi everybody,

 

I apologize if this isn't the most specific post and I'm not necessarily looking for advice, or even sympathy. Maybe a little support? I've dealt with emotional issues in the past and it just frustrates me that no matter how many times I think I'm "growing" in an emotional way, I come back to old habits or feel as insecure as I used to. I think that this will pass much like anything else, but I've always gotten a bit of comfort posting on here, if only to get my worries out in some physical sense and just kind of see how silly some of my concerns are.

 

Basically, I used to be a really emotional needy person, to the point where it was apparent to everyone around me. No matter what it was that I was feeling or felt I needed, I had to communicate it to somebody, somehow someway. I would constantly pester my friends about needing someone to talk to and would vent all my worries non-stop but would never DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. This was all from 2005-2012, which is around the time I started college (I graduated High School in 2006)

 

Long story short, after my most recent breakup (2012) , I decided that no matter how much I may be emotionally hurting and have some series of worries (some rational, some irrational), I would keep it to myself. I figured at the very least, I'd stay tolerable towards my friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and love their support in the past but I realize I'm probably wearing thin on them and I used to very selfish when it came to their problems so I went through a period last year of serious soul searching, I was in a lot of distress almost every day, trying to think of ANYTHING except my ex girlfriend and what she may be doing with her new boyfriend. Because of this, I spent my time doing other things, going to the gym, teaching myself guitar (with the help of a fairly new friend) etc. Now, if anyone's followed my other series of posts from this time period, I was on this board regularly and actually there was an ulterior motive to a lot of what I detailed. I did have a desire to get back with my ex girlfriend, but I knew if I obsessed over that, it would be even more unlikely.

 

As it turned out, it still didn't happen but because of the changes I made, including staying off of Facebook, I was more accepting and mature about this and moved on to at least stay focused and graduated college this past spring. The thing is, I'm continuing with what I did last year, not showing any emotional turmoil and acting "unbothered" by a lot of things but my "veneer" is starting to crack and its starting to show. I'm becoming a little angry at my friends for no good reason (to hide the fact that I'm starting to get depressed) and I'm starting to get fearful of ruining the progress I made last year.

 

But also, I'm frustrated with myself that I feel this way because there are so many other things to focus on and be doing. I'm looking for jobs and trying to find my career in graphic art but the fact that that's not my #1 priority really sickens me. I'm TRYING to make it a higher priority but I feel like I'm just "faking interest" in it. It's not that I'm not interested in it but I have this fear that once I find full time work and really immerse myself in it, I won't have time to emotionally or otherwise commit myself to a relationship or even my friendships and I'm torn between wanting to grow up and wanting to stay who I was without all the drama bull.

 

I don't know... like I said, I'm not looking for advice per se, just support. Am I being too hard on myself or should I be harder? I know that sounds stupid (especially since most of my own advice revolves around being supportive of yourself) but I just get frustrated at myself because a lot of this same behavior (although I'm not outwardly exhibiting it) is what caused me to lose my girlfriend in the first place, and truth be told, she wasn't the nicest person looking back on it and there were reasons that I had to be upset with her but I can't forgive myself for losing her and that's the God honest truth, I wish it wasn't. I do see a therapist and I have confessed this, but what else is there to do? I want to find someone new, but my own innate anxiety has me looking for reasons not to be interested in people rather than just letting things go and getting to know new people.

 

I personally think the thing to do is to just press the "reset" button so to speak and take a longer break from Facebook, stay to myself, just for a little while and get my career off the ground. I feel like I'm trying to juggle too many things at once. One day, I'll be dedicated to one of my part time jobs (one of which has a very controlling boss who seems to always need something), the next day, I want to look up knowledge on graphic art and apply to places proactively, but then I'll get interuppted by a friend who wants to hang out, so I will, then nothing gets done. Now its the holidays and I get a bit "Christmas crazy" when it comes to this stuff, although its honestly kind of a release for me.

 

My point is, I'm all over the board. I'm on meds for ADHD, anxiety and depression and up until the past few months, I had been mostly stable in all areas. I really don't want to just rely on meds for everything, because thats what its starting to seem like. Its starting to seem like the medications helped me up until a point and now I need a higher dose but that's not all of my problems. I had ridiculous anxiety even with meds post break up and I went into this "survival" mode where I could just shut it out and still feel anxious but not make it apparent to other people. Maybe I'm still capable of that and am just overly critical.

 

I don't know,but it did kind of help to get this out. I apologize if it was a bit annoying to read because of the lack of organization within paragraphs and things of that nature. I hope everyone's having a great weekend and of course I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving this coming week.

[SooSad33]

Hi Sonic,

 

It's okay, I understood you okay

 

In one place you say you wish in ways you cld get your ex back?

Here, you say otherwise (the bad- but being honest)..

>> " just get frustrated at myself because a lot of this same behavior (although I'm not outwardly exhibiting it) is what caused me to lose my girlfriend in the first place, and truth be told, she wasn't the nicest person looking back on it and there were reasons that I had to be upset with her but I can't forgive myself for losing her and that's the God honest truth, I wish it wasn't."

 

You admit you're seeing a therapist.. do you think that'd be able to help you get back to way you were before? You said you feel like your slipping again?

 

Yes, you cld be trying to do too much at once.. that can make you overwhelmed. Maybe slow things down a bit?

I am on med's too for same stuff. I fell really low earlier this year. But sometimes we DO need that help...

 

I think you shld just keep working on YOU and don't really be looking for anything re: a relationship at this time being.

I feel you need to still iron some things out at your end.

You're still feeling a bit rough and it's best that you feel better than this. Work on getting more 'stable' mentally & emotionally. This can take a little while but best to go in that direction when one is more 'in tune', ready, able and happy.

 

Stick around with us.. go day by day.. look at slowing yourself down a bit, for now.

Im sure you've many more days ahead of you where you can 'try' more things.. one step at a time.

 

For now.. keep dealing with you...

tc

[RainyCoast]

I've never dealt with adhd but lemme tell you one thing : turn your facebook profile off for a while. seriously, you start to feel like you have all this peace ( at first it's a bit like boredom until you realize it's just your mind being tranquil from lack of all the on-line trivia) and free time and temporarily not communicating with that many people really helps you refocus on what you wanna do. I think you'll have enough time for that part time job, for graphic design and even the guitar lessons,which is enough probably as you sound overwhelmed with everything. Pick like three or four things you'll be doing for a while, the rest will still be there later. Enjoy your 'offline' time, it'll allow your thoughts and impressions to settle down a little i believe. I turn my profile off several times a year, the only way for me to calm down and get stuff done lol. P.S. Have you tried different meds? My doc told me lots of people are misdiagnosed for adhd when in fact what's causing their problems are food intolerances, and that the symptoms can be very similar (just a though).. Happy thanks giving man and no, you don't need to be very hard on yourself, if you feel pressed you'll just find it harder to calm down

[sonicfan287]

Okay, so I mentioned I'm a little scatterbrained, so even now I'm reading the wonderful replies you (SooSad) and RainyCoast both read and there's so much good insight in both of them that I want to reply seperately because my (at times) over obsessive mind wants to find some way to combine your responses but its easier for me to address them one at a time.

 

First off, SooSad, it's really weird what I've been feeling as far as my ex goes recently. I was really attached to the idea of "her" for a long time. Before I met her, I felt very alone, needy etc. and the way I met her just seemed like something out of a movie (was fixed up through a friend and we hit it off right away) and it was all so improbable at the time that I was willing to do "anything" to keep it going, ignoring her flaws and everything. I won't get into all the details but I think the reason I worked as hard as did after our third and final breakup was because I wanted to hold onto that. The thing is, I don't want her back, but I still blame myself for it going wrong, if that makes any sense. I know it seems counter-productive but I don't like my mistakes to just be mistakes. Even if I no longer desire the person I lost, I still do blame myself for the loss, not as much as I used to, but it does come up occasionally. When I feel lonely and find it hard to meet someone, I find myself going back to that and saying "Well, you had your chance already"

 

I'm definitely trying to do too many things and its not even that its too many, but they're all of varying importances. When I was going to college, it was simple for me to separate -- COLLEGE #1 and everything else a step below. Now college is over and #1 is finding a new job but a close second is keeping the jobs I have and a third is finding someone to date, which I delude myself into thinking I'm on the track to doing by going to the gym, remaining talkative with everyone I meet, learning guitar and new skills, but a lot of guys do that and don't find success, so I need to "slow my roll" when it comes to those things.

 

The therapist I'm seeing is the same one I was seeing since my breakup last year, so she's quite familiar with the situation. For a good 6 month period I was genuinely content with our breakup and resolved about it (this happened 18 months ago by this point) but then I started feeling emotional about it again early this year, to the point where I actually recontacted her and while it didn't go bad (just kind of neutral) it only reminded me I wasn't over her. I haven't talked to her since (the reason I recontacted when I did is bc it was the 1 year anniversary of our breakup and while I didn't tell her that, it was the reason I picked the time I did)

 

Sometimes having "too many things to do" was a benefit, like when I was trying to get over that hurt, it gave me distractions. It didn't matter to me how well I was doing at any one thing because I just didn't want to feel emotional pain any more. Now that I don't feel emotional pain about that, Ive become more critical of myself in the things I'm doing. I think ultimately I will be fine, but its just getting there that I'm struggling with and I really appreciated your reply and support, SooSad. You helped me feel a little better about needing help and it not being a bad thing.

 

Stability is definitely something I've struggled with in my past and even this is nothing compared to some of the things Ive dealt with so I consider myself lucky at this time to have been through what I went through last year and in the past so that I can use those experiences to hopefully ease myself and others in future times of need. I emphasize others because that is another reason I love being on this board. I've met so many great people (who I'll probably never actually meet but I've gotten to know them so well) and hopefully built them up as much as they've built me up.

 

So, long post short, SooSad (and this is only post 1 of 2 for me lol) thank you again and don't hesitate at all to contact me for whatever reason, if you ever think you're having a low day or falling again. I'll definitely be back on here as well. I appreciate the atmosphere of this board and the posters like yourself. Thanks and take care.

[sonicfan287]

RainyCoast,

 

You made a lot of valid points that I loved -- not solely because they're true but because of the succinct way you summed it up (when contrasted with my long rambling message, you did well to consolidate my main concerns and respond kindly and thoroughly to all of them). The funny thing is that I DID take several months off from Facebook in 2012 and I actually loved it. I don't know what prompted me to come back but since I have, I have felt a bit overwhelmed so I'm starting to see the correlation. What you mention about "offline" time is so true. It was so refreshing to go on trips and things and not think about getting home and telling people via fb or reading what my friends wrote. I could just SEE my friends instead so I wouldn't have to hear about it online.

 

At first, my first Facebook deactivation was kind of tough to deal with. Not so much because I loved the website but because I was really pathetic after my breakup. I had almost nothing to do so taking even one thing away from me made me REALLY just depressed for a while. But after that short patch, I liked waking up and just coming up with new things to do. It was almost a "challenge" that I relished. Its kind of a catch 22 in my case though, since as you mentioned staying offline helps you get things done. But some of the things I do NEED to be seen online. When I'm not online or fb, I'm still on my computer somewhat often, making artwork or interacting with clients and I use facebook as a way to showcase some of my art or even my personal website which is linked to my Facebook or LinkedIn. Its not really a big deal on the surface, if I keep it professional, but unfortunately I have no faith in myself being that mature quite frankly.

 

Even when I thought last year was a solid turning point for me, I realized that if you dangle a carrot in front of a rabbit... well, he'll still go after it. So for me to stay on Facebook even professionally and not be tempted to look at or comment on some people's statuses is too much for me to expect of myself. I've had varying degrees of willpower lately and that worries me. Its like there's always been this part of me that likes to "hightail" it when things get tough and I suppose that isn't uncommon but the irony is, if I just do a slightly more difficult thing for a short amount of time, I avoid a lot of distress in the long time. Procrastination and things like that are really just terrible coping mechanisms that do very little good in my opinion and thats essentially what I used to use my internet time for.

 

Also, your last point about not being hard on oneself is well taken and also backed up through extensive life experience. I remember when I first "set out" to change myself last year, my first instinct was "GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 20 PUSHUPS!" I was legit hard on myself constantly, before I backed up and realized "wait a minute... this is what I always do and I end up just getting burnt out, I should try going easier on myself" and it worked for a while and still works from time to time. I think the less time I spend analyzing my actions, the better.

 

Thanks again, RainyCoast for making my coasts a little less rainy.

[RainyCoast]

Awww trips sound like a great idea! Relaxing too about the facebook bit, perhaps you could publish your work on a website instead or maybe create a separate fb profile just for work (it would help if you didn't immediately tell all your friends about it or at least let them know that that one is for work purposes only) while turning your personal profile off for a while. I hope that would help. Yes, lots of us take sabbatical leave of social networking, you're not the only one feeling like it encourages procrastination and occupies the mind haha- fb is such a drug. also, if you make fixed appointments with someone, for example your guitarist friend or a friend whom you could team up with to work on graphic design etc that would make it more difficult to log on to facebook until you're done working.

 

Yeah, when you get used to having the drill sergeant kind of attitude with yourself it's a hard habit to break- until you realize you've lost months intimidating yourself whereas if you had let yourself breathe for a while some of the issues might have become easier on their own.

 

As far as regretting your past mistakes with your ex goes it's pretty common. But then you learn from your mistakes don't you, I mean, you sound like you're really trying to be constructive with your life and you're also seeing a therapist. Which makes me think you'll do a lot better next time around. It's nothing to beat yourself up over, people much older than you make mistakes just the same. You sound like you are gradually getting over the break up, given that you 'relapsed' on an anniversary but was otherwise doing quite well. I ended a serious relationship about three years ago and i still sometimes get the blues on anniversaries, holidays and the like although i think i'm otherwise very much 'over' it. I love e.notalone, you can always just vent out here

 

You actually sound like you're doing quite well, perhaps you just need to here it from people who aren't involved in the situation more often. I know when my head's a mess hearing others helps me refocus on the main stuff. Good luck, keep us posted on how it goes

[sonicfan287]

Thanks again, RainyCoast.

 

You give me a lot of credit in your statement "you learn from mistakes, dont you" and being constructive with my life. Those are my goals and at one time they were SO laser-focused it seemed inevitable that it would happen, but unfortunately as time distances me from the person I was and the person I want to become, Ive gotten kind of stuck in the middle. I not only wanted to fix mistakes, but I wanted to fix things that were almost solely due to my ex. I'll be honest, while I THINK I know why my ex and I broke up, I may never know and its not because I'm an oblivious person but I over-analyze things and I believe that was one of the problems. After our breakup and after the REALLY sad times where I had to get some help, I started letting loose and just relaxing, seeing my friends and actually found I noticed MORE when I wasn't trying to notice. In other words, I could read their body language, I could start and stop conversations, crack a joke when needed, but not always try to be funny. I tried way too hard when it came to my ex and we broke up twice, so every time we got back together I'd try even HARDER. So that's what I mean when I say I don't know why she ultimately chose another guy over me. She did some things that I still question and for whatever reason, I trusted her 99% of the time, even when the things she said didn't always add up.

 

So again, it gets confusing because I'm trying not to regret, and I'm almost giving her no blame for what happened by saying "If I had only acted this way, she wouldn't have had to leave me" when it still bothers me that I had a few female friends (who were COMPLETELY platonic, and she knew this and knew me, I was even shy to ask HER for sex and she was my gf) she'd get so jealous and angry if I ever saw them, and she had 1 guy friend, and guess what? That guy friend is the one she left me for -- after pretty much looking me in the eye and saying not to worry about it (because she knows I get nervous about those kind of things) and that I was the only one she loved. Then 3 days after our break up, she was with him... I'm sorry for going off on a tangent... I just can't get my mind around that.

 

That was one of the things I brought up with her when I called her back the next year. I tried to be as polite as possible about it, and she did everything she could to say she wasn't cheating, she never thought they'd be together blah blah blah, but I don't know. Its pretty irrelevant at this point because they are together and I still feel like it's my fault that I failed, not so much the new guy or hers.

 

Getting more specific though, the guitar thing was a big one for me, believe it or not. Ever since I was young I wanted to play guitar, but never had the follow through to learn. I'd always hear someone who was MUCH BETTER and just shrug and say "Oh well, I can't do that", and I even told my ex (bc I thought it'd motivate me plus she loved guitar) that I would learn for her but it just became another empty promise so I wanted to make sure I fulfilled the promise even if she never knew about it. This is going to sound REALLY BAD but a few months after our breakup when i started getting better, I'd try to learn some songs she'd play a lot in her car. As it turns out, I do love music, so I am genuinely interested in guitar but she was my motivation, there's no doubt about it.

 

But seriously, thank you. I never like to say I've improved or give myself any credit just because I get nervous of the "fat cat syndrome" and saying "Well, I'm done. I did everything I wanted". I never want to feel like I've reached my goal as weird as that seems, because I always want there to be something else to strive for. That doesn't mean I should feel like a loser, but I also don't want to feel that Im "on top of the world" because there's always something more.

 

I also second what you said about e.not.alone. Definitely a great place to vent

[7thSign]

Hi sonicfan,

 

I think your paragraphs were fine!

 

You seem incredibly self-aware for your age. I don't think it hurts to confide in a friend, by repressing it all, you might be doing yourself more harm than good. I guess we forge intimacy and trust by making ourselves vulnerable occasionally (and i say that very loosely, i am a person who barely trusts a soul, i know what humans can be like and quite frankly, i can live without most of them!).

 

With the job situation, i say whole-heartedly focus on it. You've worked hard at uni and deserve to give yourself the best chance possible. It's one of those things that has to be eventually done anyway

[7thSign]

Sonic, i read somewhere in one of your posts that you've begun to learn guitar because of your ex! I've done a similar thing because of the girl i am interested in.. It's a great outlet. I just wanted to say that

[RainyCoast]

oh.

here's the thing hun: reasons for cheating are cheaters- not you. If you'd done something to ruin the relationship an honest person would've just said "this bothers me, i don't believe we can solve the problem, therefore i'm leaving you", they wouldn't run off with your best mate. Right you are, if you're going over scenarios in your head about what you could have done to prevent it you're not just over analyzing and blaming yourself for someones' dishonesty but you're not gonna get anywhere with it either. Not having learned a lesson makes sense then, since you're not the one with a lesson to learn, she blew it, not you. write it down on a piece of paper and stick it onto your sleeve if you have to to keep reminding yourself "I'm okay the way i am, it's not my fault". you don't need to work on yourself to "deserve" loyalty, you deserve it already- keep up the work but for the purpose of feeling better- not to please people who might mistreat you and leave you thinking it was your fault. Darn...that was a nasty thing to do on her part..

 

The guitar and playing "her" songs- as much as I agree it wasn't healthy to start playing just to please her and prolong your suffering with the music that reminded you of her, i still think this is essentially a good thing. Music is an incredible language that offers countless ways to express yourself, catharsis, and is such a vast field that regardless of why you picked it up you could keep exploring it for a lifetime and would still keep discovering new things that excite you, 7thSign sounds like she's benefited from that

 

You do sound hard on yourself, especially if you think you provoked the girl's betrayal..There are people who don't appreciate others no matter what their worth is, it's as simple as that. Sometimes you're just the sucker who gets mistreated. Which is hard enough to get over on it's own, let alone if you're coupling it with guilt, you can cross the guilt and what-have-i-done-wrong part off the list

 

I agree with the above, do your best to get the job you want. Not just for the job and for the distraction but because it'll inevitably offer a new set of people. Without a doubt at least some of them won't be that bad and will definitely like you the way you are. Getting a boost in confidence when realizing a 'normal' person finds no reason to not appreciate you would help now, wouldn't it?

 

Sorry you got that hurt, it's reasonable, but try to keep in mind (and really believe it too) that it wasn't your fault at all..

[sonicfan287]

Thank you RainyCoast and 7th Sign. I really thought I was over this phase of "blaming myself" but I can see now that I'm not. I had a pretty decent day today but the reason I had a decent day is almost because I started it being angry at myself. For some reason, I do my best work when I'm mad at myself. To elaborate, I had set a simple time to wake up of around 9:30 this morning. Not too late, not too early. Well my lazy self slept until 11. I didn't even NEED TO. I got to bed at midnight, so I essentially just lazed away my morning. I got so mad at myself, but also knew that I had things I wanted to get done so I called my boss like I said I would around 11:30 (of course, he didn't need to know I had only been awake a half hour) and arranged a good time to come over and work on some photo editing for him.

 

So I got there, and finally felt calm again, worked for a few hours, then went to my other job, and because I had kind of just kept "momentum" going, I never really slowed down long enough to dwell on my oversleeping. Its not like if I had gotten up that extra hour or 2 earlier, I would've done THAT much extra but to me, any time wasted unnecessarily is a waste. Even if I had spent the hour or two not doing much, at least I'd be awake and on the right track to get ready to go. I could've even gone to the gym which I like to do most mornings. I have a membership at a gym where I can go 24/7,so I went after work which was about 10. It was nice, but not quite the "refresher" I needed since I had already been out and about for over 10 hours already.

 

Long story short, I came on here after getting home and having dinner (which is starting to become a routine for me) and here I am lol.

 

Seriously though, thank you RainyCoast. Many people were quick to defend me after my breakup (saying not to blame myself) but I didn't know if they meant it or if it was more a product of my panic at the time. In other words, its common for supporters to say that when someone's in pain, because when something like that shocks your system, you don't want someone there saying "Yeah, sorry but it was ALSO your fault" so I kind of shrugged off some of the kind words from friends figuring they were just trying to get me closer to cheering up (which is nice of them, but I also felt like it was just a sugar coating)

 

But since so much time has gone by and Ive shared my story with others (without the hateful or loving emotionally driven things I would've back when it all happened) it's nice to hear people STILL say that it wasn't my fault, despite some slipups on my part. I'll admit, I wasn't mature enough for a relationship. I mean, she was young too but mature for her age. I was 20-22 when we dated and while I know that's not an age thats usually mature, I felt REALLY immature, especially looking back on it, when I was with her. I think that's the main thing I still hold onto when/if I blame myself. I don't fault myself for the way I treated her, I ALWAYS treated her well, gave her time/space if she needed it, I'll admit I could be a bit clingy, but never disrespectful , always sympathetic etc. etc.

 

I do think though that I could've been more mature with her, not always trying to make jokes about everything. This is a bit of a tangent but because I'm friends with a gay male, I tend to be more "comfortable" in my sexuality if that makes sense and will make jokes about my same-sex friends but we know its a joke. Sometimes, depending on women I meet, I'll try the same thing, but its always joking. Like they'll ask me if I've met any good women lately and I'll say "No, have you?" but they'll know I'm joking. My ex DID NOT have any of this. She never thought it was funny, she wasn't homophobic but she also didn't think it was funny to even joke about her female friends that way and I don't think she even liked that I had a gay friend. Again... weird tangent, but just an example. I should've been more sympathetic to that fact and cut out that kind of joking around her. For the most part, I did, but it still came up occasionally.

 

I'm starting to see what you mean though RainyCoast about meeting more normal people. I didn't really put myself out there even a few years ago. The people I'd meet would normally just be a happenstance and because of that, they'd usually be loud, outspoken people who in one way or another always wanted the spotlight to be on them. For that reason (and I'm not saying thats always the case) I usually wouldn't feel appreciated or cared about by my friends or significant others, but since I've been meeting different kinds of people, even the new friends I'm making feel like the kind of people I should've been associating with from the start.

 

Anyway, thats my "roller coaster" post for tonight. Hope we're all having a great night.

[globalnomad]

Sonic, you are a bit hard on yourself. You seem to have an active mind - which is no mistake - and want to get everything right and be the best person you can. Nothing wrong with that. But it comes at a price, which is stress.

You came up with the motivation to learn to play the guitar. That's great! It doesn't matter where the motivation came from. You had enough heartache from the girl; if some positive side-effect came of it as well, cherish it rather than questioning it. I was motivated to start learning Arabic for a guy once, after things had been going sour already; and he dared to "complain" that I am just doing this for him, and I let it spoil my experience of learning. Truth is, while he certainly spurred my interest for this particular language (not because I wanted to impress him but because I wanted to understand his background better - and a language is a great gateway to that), I enjoy learning languages in general. Looking back on it many years later, I have since unintentionally impressed quite a few other people with my array of foreign language books and ability to decipher foreign scripts. Much of any language skills I have, I owe to love interests.

 

All the best for your job search!

[sonicfan287]

Thank you for your kind words. I really enjoyed your quote "if some positive side-effect came of it as well,cherish it rather than questioning it".

 

I constantly tell myself that our breakup was for the better. I may not have found anybody new, but I'm happier on my own (to this point) and because I've been in this habit so long (of trying new things), it's come to me a lot more naturally than I thought I would. I try so hard not to look back, but sometimes I still find myself feeling upset and wondering how different things could've been between her and I if I had sucked it up and made some of these changes a long time ago. It may not have made any difference at all, but I'll never know.

 

Learning arabic sounds like it'd be quite difficult. I had enough trouble learning French (took 4 years in HS). I give you kudos for broadening your horizons and I'm sorry your ex boyfriend didn't appreciate your efforts, because it sounds pretty awesome to me.