marriedingso Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now and have been together for over 4 years (no kids). When we started out, our sex life was fine with no issues. We weren't having sex every single chance we got, but it was often enough to keep us both happy. Things started to change once we got engaged once we got engaged two years ago. First, she took on more job responsibilities and became a little stressed. Sex became a little less frequent, but I understood and supported her. She ended up taking a new job while finishing up the previous job's responsibilities, so sex became even less frequent. Again, I understood and supported her. Once she was just working one job I was expecting things to get back to normal. Well, we started planning for the wedding and things didn't change. Again, I understood how she was feeling with planning a wedding (yes, I helped, too) and supported her. I figured things would straighten out after the wedding. However, nothing changed. Now, we have sex once every month or every other month (with every other month becoming more frequent). The times we do have sex, I initiate it and it is pretty routine. She doesn't appear to be completely interested. She doesn't want to change things up. Other times where I try to initiate something, she just lies there are starts to fall asleep. She doesn't come out and say she doesn't want to have sex, but I think she drops hints (subconsciously?) that she is not interested. She says she is tired a lot, not feeling well, has work to catch up on, or lays in bed doing something on her phone. She has never even complained about our less frequent sex nor mentioned that she recognized this was happening. I know this is partly my fault for not bringing this up with her sooner. I just don't know how to bring it up now. I don't expect her to have sex every time I want to, but this is the only real problem we have. I feel if I bring it up it might sound like all I want is sex all the time when what I really want is a return to how things were. Anyone else in a similar situation that can offer advice? How can I bring this up to her? Does it sound like she is losing interest in sex (or me) all together? Any thoughts would be appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Another instance on focus on the wedding and not the marriage. Sex every other month is not the norm. You need to talk to her about it...possibly see a marriage counselor. Are you planning children? I do t know if she has lost interest in you....but.clearly sex isn't a priority and may never have.been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doofus Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 You have no children? End it. It's not going to get better. It's just not. Search the fora on here: Once a woman loses interest, sexually, in a man, she never finds it again. Heck, 99% of the time, she doesn't even want to look for it. Sorry. Don't take it personally. It's just how women are built. There's tons of women out there who will want you. Divorce your wife and date them. That is all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
handshakes Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 You have no children? End it. It's not going to get better. It's just not. Search the fora on here: Once a woman loses interest, sexually, in a man, she never finds it again. Heck, 99% of the time, she doesn't even want to look for it. Sorry. Don't take it personally. It's just how women are built. There's tons of women out there who will want you. Divorce your wife and date them. That is all. This. Don't waste your time with a woman who doesn't appreciate you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 If you have not even discussed what you would like with her it would probably be best if you honored your marriage and her by discussing it. If you can't discuss this when you are married what should you be able to discuss? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 While I agree that chronic lack of sex is very seldom resolved, I do think that you at least need to speak to her about the issue. She may think that - since you haven't said anything - that you are perfectly happy with the current situation. There may also be something wrong with the relationship. I definitely think it's time for a heart-to-heart. ... but don't be having babies anytime soon hoping that it will get better... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luminousone Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 I think you should have a frank talk with her. Assure her how much you love her and what you appreciate about her. Talk about her feelings of sex and how often she would like to have it in your marriage. You share your thoughts and come to a compromise if you can. I am curious about what may have happened that her drive has gone down- is she in a depression? Is she taking medication that interferes with her drive? Has she been a victim of violence? On your part- are you keeping yourself fit? Do you practice good hygiene? Do you do romantic gestures for her without expectations of sex in return? Do the two of you talk and share your feelings? Counseling might be a safe place for this conversation. And it will give you both better skills for your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mesemene Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 Agree with communication. Depending on her stress level and health-feeling, she may not even realize just how long it is between sexual encounters. Much less how it's affecting you. If she's particularly tired/run down, a doctor's checkup is in order. Anything from vitamin deficiencies to hormonal issues can cause tiredness, overall lack of energy, and lack of sexual interest. Just as an example - I've been dealing with Hashimoto's disease (thyroid autoimmune disorder), Vit D deficiency, and anemia due to female issues - which have all affected my general health and sexual interest. Any of them taken alone can have a negative effect. Stress can have a negative effect. Depression, anxiety - heck - almost anything, can reduce interest in sexual intimacy. Sit down and just talk. No accusing, no arguing, just talk. "Hey honey, I don't know if you realize how long it's been since you've shown interest in the physical expression of our relationship - but it's been a while. I miss being intimate with you. Talk to me - is something wrong?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marriedingso Posted November 10, 2013 Author Share Posted November 10, 2013 I am not totally sure what has caused her drive to go down. She is not depressed and not a victim of violence. She has been on the same med since we started dating. Without getting too specific, I am an expert with medications and could easily question her about her meds and I know her lab work results, so her health is a non-issue. We both take care of ourselves. I do romantic gestures for her often enough and have never been someone to expect sex in return. Discussing it with her is my first priority. To my own fault, I keep finding an excuse to put it off. I have also been struggling with how to bring the topic up, so hearing from others here has put some thoughts and ideas in my brain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mesemene Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 I am an expert with medications and could easily question her about her meds and I know her lab work results, so her health is a non-issue. I'll be honest - this rubs me the wrong way to a huge degree. Please, please don't assume "healthy" means "nothing wrong." I had 20 years of "healthy" and "nothing wrong" that "getting used to it" and "learning to like it" more wouldn't cure. It took that long for a DOCTOR to finally listen and run the correct tests - my ex never would listen. And it's a major part of why he IS an ex. Start with the talking, but if she's not sure, but notices a difference and isn't sure why - don't hesitate to encourage her to get more than basic lab tests run. There are a LOT of issues out there that don't show on standard labs and health tests. After 20 years of my labs looking "just fine" because the only lab that was considered necessary was for function, and not deficiency or antibodies - I'm a little jaded when it comes to "healthy" meaning more than just physically "fit." And if there's something "not quite right" but she can't really say what - she'll need all your love and support to narrow things down without her self esteem going down the toilet - physical or otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luminousone Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 I am not totally sure what has caused her drive to go down. She is not depressed and not a victim of violence. She has been on the same med since we started dating. Without getting too specific, I am an expert with medications and could easily question her about her meds and I know her lab work results, so her health is a non-issue. We both take care of ourselves. I do romantic gestures for her often enough and have never been someone to expect sex in return. Discussing it with her is my first priority. To my own fault, I keep finding an excuse to put it off. I have also been struggling with how to bring the topic up, so hearing from others here has put some thoughts and ideas in my brain. You are making assumptions here about her. You don't Know that she is or isn't depressed. You also don't Know whether she has or has not been a victim of violence. She may not have shared it with you, or it may just now be surfacing in her memory. When you have your talk, you will approach it best with a very open mind. That means being open to hear whatever she has to say without dismissing it. I really think that you will best be able to have this conversation with the help of a counselor. Your wife's state is a symptom- of either her own health or the health of your marriage - or both. If it is the health of your marriage then you will need to keep an open mind on changes You personally might need to make to improve your relationship as well as changes by your wife, so be prepared for that. By going in with a humble and open attitude you will have much better success in the long run. Practice some good listening skills with her- Validate her feelings, show her that you heard what she had to say by paraphrasing what she said, don't edit or dismiss what she has to say, and be sincere. Show her that you really care to work on it together. And tell her that you are worried about her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
louisecar Posted November 10, 2013 Share Posted November 10, 2013 I totally agree with this. Just because she doesn't want to have sex you assume that she is the one with a problem. It may be a problem she has with you or your marriage. I'm not saying it is but it could be, and the lack of sex drive may be her reaction to that problem. She is your wife so try and make it work before you jump ship. See a marriage counsellor. If she won't agree to seeing one then you have every right to give her an ultimatum and tell her you are out the door if she doesn't see one with you. It doesn't sound like you have brought the problem up with her in conversation much if at all. I mean this is not a woman who doesn't enjoy sex. You said yourself that you had a good sex life at the start so obviously something has happened to put her off. Talk to her. Don't expect it to be as frequent or exciting as it was at the start but it certainly should be often then it currently is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
havefaith Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 I feel like I'll be representing the minority here, but I find the cries to "END IT" straight away a bit disturbing. My husband and I have sex far less often than people might say is "normal". I don't know why, I suppose it is just where we are. However, we very much love each other, are very very physically affectionate, laugh together, and overall have a fantastic relationship. Do these other components not factor into the equation at all? I would ask the OP, what are the current state of these components? I could be totally delusional and outright wrong, but these pieces are just as important IMO. That said, I agree with those who are urging you to talk openly about it. My husband and I have acknowledged or lower-end frequency. We keep an open dialogue and check in with each other to make sure we both feel comfortable/needs are being met, and for us we're fine with our way. I guess what I am saying here is that there is no magic "number" or "frequency" -- rather, it's about how YOU feel. If it doesn't feel like enough, if it feels like it's off and something is wrong, it's time to talk. But let's avoid the trap of calling things "normal" vs. "abnormal" based on arbitrary guidelines ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uniqueme Posted November 16, 2013 Share Posted November 16, 2013 You'll need to talk to her and find out how she feels about sex. She could be just always under pressure at work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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