How do i stop freaking out ! Please help

[sevenohnine709]

My whole live i have had anger problems, severe when i was a child. I grew up in an amazing household with loving parents. I had problems as a child, i was violent and i discovered what manipulation was. I started using my manipulation at a young age to get me things, i thought it was amazing. When i didn't get my way i would get angry on impluse. I would explode like a bomb and then 5 mins later. I am calm and completely over it. I feel terrible.

In highschool / university i started self medicating myself with cocaine, ecstasy , marijuana, any drug i could get my hands on. I was a wreck, going to university messed up drinking 7 days a week. Then i would get into a relationship, i would stop all drugs, reduce drinking to a 1 maybe 2 days a week. I would do schoolwork attend classes etc. It made me just a better person when i had this positive person in my live. However, i always end up dating girls that have depression or self confidence issues. I am told i am a very attractive guy, and for years i have been battling my manipulation. I did it for so long as a child it is a habit, and i HATE IT. These girls are so amazing, caring people and i just controlled them and feel terrible to the point i have to get out of the relationship after a few months because i know i am making them miserable and they don't deserve it. I am diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder, Obsessive compulsive disorder, and i have a practicality bad case of ADHD. (Extremely impulsive). After years of me messing up relationships i met this one girl a at the beginning of summer. She is something else, shes like perfect. She is the most caring person i have ever met. The only girl i have been with that i don't even let my ocd think that she is cheating. I trust her completely. One problem, at the beginning of the relationship i let my ocd get the best of me and i asked her about her past a bunch. She told me and stuff and that was that. Later on as we got closer i started finding lies about what she said. (NOW before anyone mentions that i am an idiot about asking someones past, i do it because i don't want any shockers, i don't want to find out anything further down the road like she slept with a bunch of my friends, had a bunch of threesomes etc. HOWEVER i realize now that it is none of my business.) Anyways the point is i did it. So now whenever i find something out i freak out, over react and just do it on impulse because i think i was lied too. I call her a liar etc. She is a very sensitive girl and this bothers her which i totally understand. Now since i have been with her i went back on my adhd medication to control my impulsiveness, i quit drinking alcohol because i found i lost my control over my impulsiveness I also got on anti-depressants. I have improved significantly with anger and it occurs very infrequently which she said is good. However tonight i found out something that i was lied to about and its the first time we had an argument in ages and i lost it. I didn't yell because it was over messages. Called her a liar, and i felt i couldnt trust her .

 

Then i realized something. Why am i even asking her this stuff . I don't want to know the answer, its none of my damn business. It didn't happen with me, at all i have no right to ask it. So why does my brain think is so okay to ask these things, why does it feel the need to ask it and if i dont it just circles my brain obsessing about it. Its invading her privacy by asking that i can't get over it. Thats not who i am. Right after i cool down i realize that it was the dumbest thing ever. Like seriously why do i need to know. I am SOOOOOOO happy with her and who she is. My god i can't say i love her but i feel like i do. Shes so amazing intelligent , genuine, honest about absolutely everything but that . This girl melts my heart, but like i dont understand why for 5 mins, when i hear something like she lied to me, or if she cancels plans to hang out with friends, i have like a switch in my head that just filled me with upset feelings

and 99% of the time i just sit back be tell myself youre being foolish chill out. But sometimes i just react on impulse.

 

Tonight she told me she loves me and i am so important to her, but if this happens again we have to discuss our relationship.

How do i stop!!!!

 

I write down every fight in detail in a book, what i thought, and said. How i could have handled it better, the routes i could have chosen.

I have a psychologist i see once a month who helps me out.

 

What can i do !

 

thanks

 

Sorry its a lot and the grammar may be bad. I am pretty exhausted