aragon Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 If anyone has the time or inclination, please look at my few other posts. To make a somewhat long story short. This guy I dated long distance (and thought was 'the one') dumped me years ago. We had sporadic contact over the years and he was always ambiguous. I would ultimately get frustrated with the contact, looking for hidden meanings where there wasn't any. He would never clarify. I found out that he was dating a girl for most of the time we were corresponding (if not all) and now they are getting married in 5 weeks. She is 7 years younger than me. I just keep looking for things about them on the web. Why did he all of the sudden become ready for marriage/committment, etc and I'm stagnant? I would torture myself about not being pretty enough or thin enough and she's even on the chunky side. I realize that it had nothing to do with looks. Even a year ago he sent me a drunken text saying he was thinking of me. A few months later I wrote to him telling him that I missed him and FOUR days later he replied "aww, don't say that", with some other crap. We haven't corresponded since. I know she had just ended a relationship and so (obviously) had he. Now they will live happily ever after and I am a mess!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJKAJKAJK Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Yes, that might happen to me also. When living with the past its hard. I wish I could give you an answer. That person is thinking about you. That is for sure. More than once I wanted to call my ex, to write to her. Not necessarily drunk, sober most of the time. Never did. And now I regret that. Can you let him go? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aragon Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I just keep having a pity party and wondering why not me? Why her? Why is it so easy for some and not others. I don't know if I was meant to have all of those things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoIdea2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Pretty crummy of him to keep stringing you along all this time. Hugs. No point beating yourselves up as to the "whys". It may be soemthing as simple as proximity. in any case, this is your chance to let him go and move on, grab it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJKAJKAJK Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Sometimes, not getting what we want is the greatest struck of luck. d. Lama. You must move on I think. And he, well he is just going to make one woman unhappy. or happy, but I doubt he could make you happy now. When my ex gf found a new bf I was so angry. So angry and jealous. Was looking fb pictures many times also. Just try talking with him in a calm way. communication is the key out of everything. Ajk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aragon Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I don't think communicating with him is a good idea. He has long forgotten me. I saw their engagement pics and they look so happy and in love. It makes me sick. He used to tell me he wanted to marry me, blah, blah, blah. I don't know if he was stringing me along. Maybe he really was just checking in on me. I just kept seeing it as a possible sign....now it feels pathetic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 First, you have to unwrap your brain around the phrase "The one." There really is no ONE person for us. There are plenty of good guys out there. You have to believe that. And just because you weren't right for this one, and he chose another woman, it doesn't mean there is a flaw with you, or you weren't good enough! It just means he wasn't the right guy for you. Work on seeing your value as a person, as a woman. If you suffer from low self-esteem, work on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJKAJKAJK Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I am not sure if this helps, but I will try. When I broke up with my gf, I still loved her. We were young and stupid. I found another girl, but only to soothe my emotional pain, and in fact I found a girl to talk with. We became friends, and the only thing between us was being friends. We are still friends right now and she is gf of one of my best friends. The problem is that I have posted some pics on fb. She saw them. So basically I was not even in relationships, but I just had some pics with a girl I sort of was dating. She found a new bf and posted pics. That killed me. I was sure there was no way back after this. They slept together and all. At that time (22-23) I thought that was the end. But I continued to love her. years have passed, and I realized that I still love her. And the fact that she slept with someone after we broke up is no longer a big deal, since I had some hm things in my life also. Which were empty though. Now I am 26 and I still love her. Write to him how you feel. And if he is a mosnter, he is not worth of loving then. Face your demons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 The reason you are having a hard time is because you have simply been fooling yourself instead of looking at reality. Now that he is getting married you can no longer fool yourself. Its time to let the "dream" of him go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Yes... Edmund is correct... rather than letting the relationship die and moving on you stayed limbo thinking that any communication you got was a means to reconciliation when in truth he never stated to you that was his desire. Now, its really time to move on. Go NC and do all the things you need to do to grieve this relationship so that you can be ready to find someone new too. HUGS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJKAJKAJK Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Agree with suggestions above. But the author of this thread is obviously into deep analyzing of things. When I was young I used to try to live with my problems. Now I confront them as soon as possible. Getting realistic image of who he is now is the best idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aragon Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I know, you are all absolutely right. I was looking for hidden meaning where there was none. There probably are some self-esteem issues that need to be worked on. I have a hard time with the dating scene. It just feels like some girls are more aggressive and it works for them. Then when I try that, it also flops. I'm not unattractive, or weird or anything, I just don't know if I come accross as substantial enough, or something. I wish I could erase this from my brain. The internet is such a double edged sword. EVERYTHING is at your fingertips if you just look and I haven't been strong enough not to look. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 You aren't ready for dating right now, you're still hung up on this guy. Finding a relationship isn't about being substantial enough. It's about knowing you are a good person, good woman, desireable woman, and men want you. Once you build your self-esteem and know you are a desireable woman, none of what you said will matter (about not being aggressive, or substantial, whatever that means.) Men are drawn in by your physical appearance, but what KEEPS them interested is how you treat yourself and them. I know, you are all absolutely right. I was looking for hidden meaning where there was none. There probably are some self-esteem issues that need to be worked on. I have a hard time with the dating scene. It just feels like some girls are more aggressive and it works for them. Then when I try that, it also flops. I'm not unattractive, or weird or anything, I just don't know if I come accross as substantial enough, or something. I wish I could erase this from my brain. The internet is such a double edged sword. EVERYTHING is at your fingertips if you just look and I haven't been strong enough not to look. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJKAJKAJK Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Dating sites given me nothing but disappointments. And I have not been using them for meeting women. But it is my opinion. People wear masks there and they have hopes, expectations or on the contrary they are broken. Not the best place to be. Maybe you should start doing yoga, going to the gym, start learning a new language? Some kind of course if improvement, in this case new people would pop up in your life. This would help you to grow also. What I want to say that that man is far away from you now. It would be nice of course to tell him all you think and feel, but without pushing him too much. You just have to realize who he is now. And regarding other girls. Other girls are other people. You should not care how other people build relationships. Its your life. Your personal life. Do not mimic what others do. Follow your own path, but just accept what life gives you. Also try to be less egoistic. try to feel happy for other people. That is the only way to live. I know it is hard, sometimes impossible even. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aragon Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I hear what you're saying. I was actually ok before I found out. I just found out about the wedding, etc 2 days ago. I had gone on dates and I know that I am totally ready for a relationship. I know it sounds like i'm being contradictory. I do think I'm a good woman and all the other qualities described. Of course, like anyone, I worry about my faults and try to improve. I have so much to offer another person and am a great sister, daughter, friend, aunt, etc. This is why I don't understand how this one hangup can so easily bring me down. I hope it is just a temporary lapse. I think the worst part is we broke up because I wanted to discuss the future and he didn't. Fast forward to present time, and i'm still single with no prospects and he is essentially married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 If you are this crushed by the news of his marriage you were never fully available to someone else. As for you not having prospects, his marriage isn't a deadline for you to be in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 You can't live your life according to his timeline. It's easy to do though, to treat it like a competition. When my ex husband and I split up, I thought for sure I'd be remarried before him. However, he's been remarried three years this month, and I've only had two good relationships in that time that have ended. I'm currently dating a new guy. But my ex husband isn't happy. His new wife is really needy and insecure. I believe he loves her, but I believe he is not happy. I said something to him about her still being mad at me for something, and he said "I know, I live with her." It doesn't matter that he's in love and happy, and you're single. I know it seems like it does, but it doesn't. Do yourself a favor and STOP GOOGLING him!!! It is only bringing you heartache. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aragon Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 What feels like a deadline is my uterus....I know that's tmi, but that everpresent tick tock is why I was asking him to look at the future to begin with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJKAJKAJK Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 Agree with mr. Edmund. What I see about you, dear heroine, do not be upset. Just find something else to do. In this case, marriage is a signal for you to move on also. It is strange, so strange. most probably we live in other continents, we are all different people, but we all feel, have regrets, doubts. All of us feel. All of us suffer. This is a good place to let some of those things go. There are more men there, believe me. Just give others a chance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I don't know how old you are, but women have healthy children into their 40's. I have a fifteen year old son, and would love to fall in love, remarry and have more kids. I'm 37. But I'm not going to live my life according to that. I know it probably seems easy for me since I already have a son, and that probalby makes it easier for me to deal with, but with today's technology you can have children at a much older age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aragon Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 I am 39; I look much younger, but my reproductive system is still 39. I'm Indian, with all the pressure's that Indian parents give (even at this age). We had similar backgrounds, both with ethnicity and careers, as well as family, etc. I think that's why I felt like we were right for each other. I know others can fit this criteria and he wasn't perfect, it's just been an elusive search thus far. Don't you all feel like sometimes it is just easier for some people or that things just seem to work out for some and not other? Or is it all in perception and attitude? That's probably my biggest flaw. I'm trying to schedule a meeting with a mental health specialist so I can get some counseling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I think some people make it LOOK easy, but no I don't think anyone has it easy. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Someone may seem outwardly happy, but be miserable in their relationship. Someone may look beautiful, but feel she is fat and ugly and totally undesireable. I never assume/presume anything about anyone. I also think there are a lot of people with good self-confidence and hope, so when they go through a break up, while they may feel broken hearted, they don't feel despair. I'm one of the people who used to feel despair. That makes it a lot harder to get over someone. Work on your self-esteem, stop Googling him, and know that there is a great guy out there. If you have hope, it makes healing much easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aragon Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Thank you....I do feel better for the time being. I do think that I need to work on my mental health. This got me down so easily. I was feeling pretty good before this and was motivated to be more pro-active before all of this happened. I guess it was a thin facade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t1lersm0m1 Posted October 31, 2013 Share Posted October 31, 2013 I had problems with self-esteem. There were things from my past that influenced my self-esteem. I read several good books, but two really really helped me last year. The first one, a quick read and very inexpensive, is "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on it." There are exercises in the book. They sound dumb when you read them, but let me tell you I did them, and my whole view on life has changed. I also read "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise someone. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. that comes with a lot of anger and resentment. In the book, Louise tells you that your parents did the best job they could, and you have to forgive them and let go of the past. My mom was the child of an alcoholic. Her dad did the best he could. He could have done better, but he did the best he could. My Mom did the best she could. It's my turn to forgive my mother and get over my past, heal and live a happy life. If you read descriptions of those books on Amazon, it'll also recommend other books. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aragon Posted October 31, 2013 Author Share Posted October 31, 2013 Thanks....I always believe my parents do the best they can, but I also feel resentment and yet guilt that I can't give them what they (and I ) want. I will look into the books. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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