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Having a hard time with acceptance & a wwyd question


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I was in a long term marriage. Divorced 2 years. At that time I began a relationship that lasted one year until he broke up with me. I did not beg, cry or plead & went NC for about 2 weeks he began contacting me for exchange of personal items we had at one another's places which I felt wasn't morally right to ignore. Then have sort of have kept light but regular communication going. He's done a few favors for me during this time too.

I am having a very hard time with acceptance. He has not seen me upset over BU because I hid it from him and grieved in private.

 

Here is where it gets complicated. I feel ashamed about this at times and other times quite the opposite-as if he owes me. He lives in an apartment and has for his entire adult life. He volunteered to help me with house repairs and getting house ready to sell. He has tools and enjoys doing these things, we have done them together during the relationship. I have asked him if we had a chance at a restart he says no. He says he does not want to be with me or anyone. I asked if guilt he said no, loneliness he said no.

As part of my divorce agreement around 4y ago my home will go for sale in 1 year and ex-husband and I will split profit. As a single parent, full time employee and student (to improve my financial situation) in an extremely difficult area of study so my time is very limited. I do not have skills, time or tools for home improvement projects. I need help and have no one else who lives in my town to help with this to get it in salable condition. You may say he is going to try for sex, I disagree with that. For many reasons; he is not coming back around for sex. He may be doing this to ease his guilt or another reason. He is also a generous person and what you'd call a Good Man. That said he's not the best communicator and I am the longest romantic relationship he has had. He has this cycle of 4month romance then breaks up then has 2-3 years of no romantic interest in anyone. He has a stable nice paying job and is a well liked employee. He has good family and friends I have met but they live faraway. Yes, I realize staying friends is usually regarded as a no-no. I know I need to guard my heart. Also know that this work must get done, my future depends on it.

 

Thoughts? Please be kind because I am still a little fragile from the BU. Thank you.

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First I'll talk about the house in a legalistic way. Unless you have a court order that says otherwise (because you damaged the house since your ex moved out in a spiteful way - ie: not normal wear and tear), it is not your sole responsibility to fix up the house for sale (although you should be co-operative and make it look presentable by cleaning up, etc). It is also your ex-husband's responsibility. He will get half the 'profit' from any repairs and improvements that you make. For this reason - and especially if you don't have a lot of money - your ex should be paying (or doing) 1/2 the repairs. I understand that you want to fix it up so that you can get more money but any extra money you get as a result will be split in 1/2. Unless you are doing major overhauls, that is likely not going to amount to much.

 

For this reason, I am going to say that your future does not depend on the sale of the house - your future depends on your studies.

 

With that out of the way, we can talk about the guy. The reason that people usually recommend "no contact" isn't really about him wanting sex or being a bad guy. In fact - he doesn't sound like a bad guy at all. He sounds generous and kind. The problem, though, is that while he is walking around your house and fixing things, it will be extremely hard to move on. You aren't giving your heart a chance to heal... and really... I can even hear in your post that you "secretly" hope that his being around will make him want to get back together. This is not mentally healthy for YOU. It's a bad idea to have someone hanging around while you pine for them, when they've stated that they don't want to be with you. You are putting yourself in a position to be further hurt.

 

So - it's up to you to decide. Your choice is between a bit of money and the healing of your broken heart. Personally, I would choose to heal my heart. You can make the money back up with your career. You can't get time back... and really... you'll just be dragging the break-up on for more time... But it's your choice. It's what is more important to you.

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RD thank you for your reply.

I agree exH should help getting house ready for market. He remarried immediately after divorce, he is a very challenging person to deal with and he and his 2nd wife hate me. So there is a huge gap between what should be and what is feasible.

ExBF is a good guy so my issue now is why is he offering this favor I need? It's puzzling. And obviously the other issue is protecting my heart. It can't get much more direct and clear than his reply to me, " no I don't want a restart."

Ouch.

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