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Fiance's Mother Living Arrangements


NeedAdvice13

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My fiance's mother lives with him and has never been away from him. One day I went to drop off a desert one morning at my fiancé's house and he was not at home. His mother makes some small talk with me and mentions how she asked her son (my fiancé) where she's going to live once he and I are married and she made a note to tell me that she's staying with him and not going anywhere. Now previously, she would mention at their family events while I was present how she's thinking of getting a condo once her son and I are married, etc.. I mentioned this to my fiancé and he jumps to a question I asked him previously about if he is thinking of moving into a different type of house which is something he mentioned previously to me and avoids the discussion. I am really pissed off that he couldn't be a man and say to me, hey my mom is important to me, etc. etc and I don't want her to be alone and do you mind if she lives with us when we are married? To be honest, I feel he was acting completely selfishly and didn't even consider me as part of the equation or what my thoughts or feelings were regarding it. I really don't have anybody to discuss this with, as I'm afraid it might leak back to his family and want to be sure I handle this situation appropriately. It's like he can't look ahead and go, oh, we aren't going to have any alone time...can't have any discussions because she'll hear everything...nada. Very upset. =(

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Listen- he may have said all of those things to her - it is possible age is making that up.

 

You are basically threatening her status quo- so of course she will try to drive a wedge between you. Don't let her interfere.

 

Next time your bf brings up your marriage plans and living arrangements then you need to talk it over with him.

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I think this is one of those things that you'll have to get a little bit confrontational about with your fiance so that you can get a straight answer. There is a good possibility that - if when you ask about the mother, he jumps about talking about another house - he is thinking that his mother would also live in this "other" house.

 

It's a little bit strange, to be honest, that you are talking marriage - talking about spending the rest of your lives together - but you are not clear on what that future looks like. That's pretty huge.

 

I also think it's strange that you were asking if HE was thinking of moving to a different type of house. I don't really understand this. If you are getting married - even if it's his money purchasing the house - wouldn't you get a say in where you live? Why is this HIS decision? Why aren't you making these decisions together?

 

It kind of sounds like he is calling all of the shots and leaving you in the dark. I don't see how you could or even should marry someone when you haven't agreed on what the future looks like. How do you know that you will be happy if you don't even know what direction things are moving in?

 

It sounds to me like there are more problems here than just the "mother" issue.

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Then you need to sit down and talk with him about it.

 

It might be that if she's never lived apart from him, he's not even considered that you might not want to live with her. He's not wrong to want to take care of his mum, and you're not wrong to want to set up a fresh family unit, but if she likes to catch you when you're alone and drop information like that, you need to think about whether you could live in that set up. You do marry the family, not just the hubby.

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Wow, who ever this guy is he really needs a reality check and understand that the umbilical cord was caught off a long time ago... No offense but a real man who is ready for marriage understands that a marriage is a union of two people only. I'm sorry to tell you that if this is how attached he is to his mother he will always remain this way which will weight down your relationship.

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I think the question is: Do you mind if his mother lives with you two once you're married? Because he may have shined you on because you've made it clear that you're not and didn't want to get into that discussion with you at that time.

 

You are going to have to proceed knowing that his mother will be living with you and he's reticent to putting her up in her own place. Is that the kind of marriage you want to have?

 

You and he have a lot to discuss before you put on that dress and walk down that aisle... and you might not get to that day because of the decisions he's made already regarding his mother's residence.

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  • 2 weeks later...

He mentioned early in our relationship that he would like a different house one day, i.e. a ranch versus a 2 story home. So I asked him one day again if that was still the case.

 

He's used to having his mother wait on him hand and foot and his siblings are way, way older than him. He's never had to share, never had a long term relationship (from what I can gather from the way he acts with me) and he's always in a rush to get home (yep, Mom's ALWAYS there when I am there). He does not openly share things with me and it's like pulling teeth for him to tell me about what is going on for him during the week, etc. He's used to everything being his way and nobody questioning him because his mother replaced my fiancé as her "husband" when her husband died. As far as I understand it, the house is in his name but really, his mother calls the shots there. She has people over when he's at work, doesn't ask him if it's okay, etc. I think that is BS.

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That's what it feels like: accept live in mother or hit the road. =(

 

When she makes the statement in front of her family and myself about moving into a condo when we get married, I really feel like why even bother wasting your breath saying that because you made it very clear that you're not going anywhere. I don't react to her statement and I think she does it to see what me and/or her family says. Nobody says a thing and they ignore it because let's be honest, they don't want to have to move her in with them. If I were to say, yep, that's what you should do then I would look like a giant, unfeeling b*tch and an @sshole and I'm not about to do something like that. I can't talk to anybody close to me about it so I post here for advice.

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