The thrill of a new relationship and then knowing he's not what you thought.

[PurpleButterfly]

Good morning/afternoon,

 

So I've posted on her previously about my age gap relationship. I've posted a lot actually as it's my first age gap relationship and I had many feelings, queries and not mention his devotion to his stupid ex (excuse my immaturity, it will probably surface through out this post). I also posted a lot because I faced lots of questions regarding protocol, which seems a bit technical but sometimes I couldn't work out if I was overreacting or just been taken for a ride.

 

I met Joseph in May this year, we worked for the same art company and then I left and moved on to another job. At the time we were just friends who chatted constantly like a couple of school girls, we really hit it off. 3 months later we changed out status to girlfriend and boyfriend. (I'm 24 he is 44). Things were going great. Really great. I've had to previous relationships both lasting 3 years with guys my age, but although I loved them, I wasn't in love with them. I didn't (or thought I didn't) believe in true love. I always believed that 2 people cannot love each other equally (I believe one party loves the other one more) or unconditionally (I don't believe 2 people can love it each other until death without being some form of boredom, cheating etc). I'm sorry if this upsets people, I'm just very cynical. However meeting Joseph completely and utterly changed my perspective. I became more of a public display of affection sort of girl, I got really happy when I knew I was going to see him, I missed him terribly when he went away and I even agreed to live with him (I haven't yet) which is maddening because I so against living with a partner.

 

Anyway a few weeks a go his ex got engaged. I was delighted because he has such a close friendship with her and it put my mind at rest that she wasn't going to try anything with Joseph. So within two weeks of her engagement, Joseph hands me a ring. Not a proposal. I decided when I got with Joseph I wanted to wear a ring on my wedding finger to signify I was taken. I didn't tell people it was an engagement ring, but I wore it as a signifier for when I'm out in pubs with friends etc. Anyway Joseph bought me a ring and said if I was going to wear a ring, it should be one he bought for me. A really thoughtful, lovely gesture. Then later that night, he said he would marry me. He never wanted too since he divorced 20 years a go and then cancelled his engagement with his ex as well. I agreed. I NEVER wanted to marry, EVER. But with Joseph ... I felt there was a possibility.

 

So now we've been together 4 months. And now I'm learning he's not what I thought. He is one of those people who doesn't just dislike things, he has to HATE them. No matter what it is.

 

1) For example we went to a burger bar over the weekend and a song came on the radio (It was Mika - Grace Kelly) and he just stormed out whilst we're queuing, leaving me in the line looking like a Fing idiot! I was so embarrassed everyone was looking at why he stormed off!

 

2) THEN I had an embarrassing moment where we were fooling about once and he accidentally pocket dialed his ex, who heard stuff... and then when she phoned later he started making sex noises down the phone at her, mocking me and they're having a good laugh at my expense. I was so horrified!

 

3) He gets so angry at little trivial matters. I was at his place watching a football game and my team lost. I wasn't grumpy or irritated, I was a little deflated and he literally went MENTAL at how quiet I was being. He took my home and told me there's no point me coming round if i'm going to sulk. I was so alarmed by his out burst. Like I said I was a little deflated but I didn't think anything of it. (If it had been a final in the competition I may have hulked out).

 

4) He texted his brother after we had sex once. I was totally uncomfortable him texting his bro after we had slept together and telling him the details! WHO DOES THAT! He tells all his guy mates about our sex life and I hate it. It's like having someone trampling over out intimate space.

 

5) He asked me if I wanted to work for his ex and her fiance when they open their new business. I said no. I wasn't interested and again he flipped out. I don't wanna work for his ex! Or move to her town! No way.

 

6) When he has a sulk, it lasts for days. He's unapproachable. He makes distasteful jokes when he's angry and really makes me feel like I need to work on myself. He's not violent, never ever has he been, but he is difficult.

 

Anyway I'm sorry if these seem like silly pointers to start questioning my future with him, but to me it's a deal breaker. But It's really hard as I fell for Joseph so quickly and I want to be with him so bad. As cliche as it is, I've never felt these feelings for someone before. He's changed me. He's made me a mushy person.

So it sucks to learn he has some difficult qualities about him.

 

I can see how his ex must have struggled with him for so long. Although I haven't met her, I dislike her. I think it's because she and Joseph have a intimate connection which I'm jealous of. Also he said she's his best friend for life and no one can break that bond. Where as if we break up apparently he'd struggle to be my friend

 

Urgh. Since it's been 4 months dating, should I continue seeing him to see if we can still be a couple? Maybe living together might solve a lot of problems. I don't know whether to work on this or maybe just let go. I'm confused and my stomach hurts a lot at the thought of losing him...

 

What do you think?

 

Thanks xxxxx

[NoIdea2013]

You absolutely cannot move in with him as a way of "fixing" things. Some of those issues you listed are very concerning, and in some cases seem quite abusive. It's easy for me as a stranger to say get rid, no good can come of this, but at the very least you have to have a serious conversation about how some of his actions and behaviour make you feel. they are not in any sense "silly little pointers"

[PurpleButterfly]

At the moment, Joseph is sharing his place with his brother who's pretty much homeless, jobless, penniless and friendless. So we can't get the time together or privacy we need as we can't relax at his place properly with his brother being there. I live with my ex, who is now my friend we have our own rooms and barely see each other anyway (I simply cannot afford to move out as my job was seasonal and now ended, so until I find a job in this tiny, dead end, seaside town, I'm forced to stay living here, I have no other family in this part of the UK). Joseph is fine with me living with my ex, he actually is quite supportive of our friendship as he has a strong friendship with his ex. So I figured if we had our own place, we'd be more like a proper couple and we can finally spend a night together.

 

Despite Joseph's flaws, which he knows he has. He tells me he wants to be the best boyfriend to me possible and that he wants to learn from his previous mistakes and make it work for us. We agreed to be a loving couple but at the same time give each other freedom to do what we want to do (obviously we don't mean seeing other people), we mean go out with our friends, no guilt trips and not becoming getting in to a routine. We want to keep things fresh.

 

We both know we both have our imperfections, him being what I listed and me being more of a quiet person (which can be a bit hard to read if you're in my company). So I don't know, I feel like we could work, I think when we're not bickering we're the most loved up couple, but then I think about how difficult he is to tolerate sometimes. But every relationship has its flaws right?

[NoIdea2013]

There's having flaws and then there's issues which make you consistently feel uncomfortable. The idea of him making distatseful jokes which make you feel you need to work on yourself - can you give an example? The stuff relating to sex is also really concerning.

[PurpleButterfly]

There's having flaws and then there's issues which make you consistently feel uncomfortable. The idea of him making distatseful jokes which make you feel you need to work on yourself - can you give an example? The stuff relating to sex is also really concerning.

 

LOL typical, I can't think of an example off the top of my head. I just know he's made some.

 

In relation tot he sex business. I know guys and girls talk amongst each other about their sex lives, but he sorta makes me feel he's bragging, which is flattering but also makes me feel like he's dating some young sex pest. And there's way, way more to me than that! I wrote about this in a previous post and got some really insightful replies, but I didn't know if I was overreacting as everyone talks about sex, you read about it online and in magazines etc.. so I couldn't work out if I was overreacting. But I feel uncomfortable because I'm younger than him and I want people to believe we're a proper couple and not just together for sex.

[Clio]

Don't just walk. Run! You need to break up with him. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse and he has done plenty of that to you. You need to seek therapy to find out WHY you feel so comfortable with it so as to have to ask around about something so obvious. The guy sounds like an immature scumbag. Bear in mind that some people never grow up. If you stay, you will end up with no self-esteem. I am amazed that you are willing to continue to emotionally invest on someone who demonstrates such clear luck of respect for you. If he is treating you like this right from the 'honeymoon stage' of your relationship, how do you think he will be treating you if you are still together a few years down the line?

[NoIdea2013]

If it makes you uncomfortable it NEEDS to be addressed.

[randy33]

he sounds like a douche.

[solamente]

the real age gap is between his chronological age (44) and his emotional/mental age (11).

 

and, unfortunately, you can't raise him again. though you can certainly try, it will wear you out and you really won't believe in love after that.

[SooSad33]

No, I think what you see is what you're gonna get!

I think his 'true colours' are starting to shine through, so you get to see how he really acts.

 

HE need to deal with a few things I think and lighten up.

Dont think YOU want to live with this.. for any length of time.

[mbee]

Being that you are 24... you have PLENTY of options available to you. You are in your early 20s... you have plenty of time to meet guys (of ANY age) who are mature, respectful, considerate, non-abusive, have a stable life, don't have crazy anger problems and actually love you. I'm not sure if you have low self-esteem but from the first paragraph and onwards I've seen ridiculous amounts of red flags. This guy is very immature and you can do so much better. Maybe he's "fun" to date around with and have sex with... I'm really not sure, but this guy is not long term relationship potential.

 

Perhaps because this is your first time feeling in love, you feel there's something special about this guy that you need to hold out for or that you need to give him tons of chances. I'm telling you right now that you are wasting your time. Run from this guy and move on. You have so many opportunities ahead of yourself. A guy like this has absolutely nothing to offer you.

[englishmannot]

hello

don't know if this helps but its intended to !

I am 50 (a man) my partner of 5 years is now 25 (a woman). I left my now ex-wife to be with her and we 'honey mooned' for 3 years probably. we have a 3 year old now. the last 2 years has been very difficult, reality is upon me/us.

there are so many differences between us, I feel constantly guilty for 'stopping' her doing youthful things, out late, short term relationships, general young times. I am embarrassed when out with her and know that people stare and make comment (I look younger than most 45 year olds, but even so). she is also embarrassed.

the difficulty is that when the original 'dream' is over, what are you left with?

for me this was- beautiful, slim, attractive, compliment giving, attentive, caring, needed to be cared for young woman.(everything I hadn't had before)

for her - I was successful, knowledgeable, confident, not a light weight (everything she wasnt getting with young men).

 

 

the point I am making is that you would probably be better off without him, however hard that sounds now. If you can get busy doing your own stuff (ie not with him) you may find that you are more able to extract yourself otherwise you may end up sort of stuck and then it will be harder and harder to split. (this is where I am at!)

 

he sounds like he might be embarrassed with the age gap - No adult is going to storm off from a queue because the music is crap - this is a red herring. he was getting hot under the collar in the queue and 'just had to get out'. this feeling for him will only get worse as the relationship ages and he begins to see you two together as strangers would from a distance.

 

by the way - no man shares intimate stuff with men friends/brothers/fathers about CURRENT partners. Its true that at some point in the future there might be discussions, but NOT whilst you are current. Bear that in mind - Are you the trophy ?

 

I hope I have given clarity not more confusion - feel free to ask me more if you wish.

 

take care though - think of you a bit as well - project forward 10 years (34/54) 20 years (44/64) 30 years (54/74) -

 

cm

[alcide]

live mate alone later you will regret this relationship

[cheriex333]

I haven't read through all the replies but just from your initial post my first thought is Whaaaaat?! *scratches head*.

 

A healthy stable adult would not storm out if a public setting (or any setting!) if a song came on that they didn't like.

Getting MAD at you for not wanting to work for his ex, texting his brother about your intimacy... What in the world?!

 

He sounds like a bratty kid in a 44 year old body. This guy needs to get himself in a better place (mentally) before he should date anyone.