Can you like someone first and then quickly 'not like' him?

[Yasminah]

We liked each other in the first date a lot, and we agreed to meet later, and we did. I now feel I don't like this guy enough. I was very happy to meet him on the first date, but I don't know what happened that I started losing interest quickly. Here is the case:

 

this guy is younger than me, and it bothers me a bit. But I noticed he wants me to 'lead' him, i.e. to suggest dates and take him to places that could be interesting. This point just makes me think about the age question over and over. So now I know we could be just friends, but not more (on my side).

 

Could that be a strong reason, or I have issues with dating? Has this happened to you? I don't feel eager to meet him and I don't have to meet him even as a friend.

[NIN2000]

You both met and liked each other a lot on the first date. As you started to get to know him you saw numerous characteristics about him which made you lose interest him.

 

This is part of the dating scene. I don't think you have issues with dating. Perfectly normal.

[resilient7]

Yes perfectly normal. I just sent out not even 10 min ago a message to a girl where we both hit it off and then afterwards she stopped contacting me. I knew I shouldn't have written that message, argh!

 

I'm sure just like you she just didn't see me as potential

Dating partner.

[junebug123]

I'm sorry to say this, but after hearing this story it kind of justifies my belief of how fickle women can be. I'm sorry but losing interest in someone just because they aren't confident about knowing where to go on a date? Like, how can emotions change so rapidly in such a short span of time, you knew he was younger to begin with so why would you assume that he would act any older than his age suggested? It seems a little insensitive and cold to just blow someone off entirely without really even taking the time to know them based on a small detail like that.

 

I guess everyone is entitled to their opinions, this is just mine you don't have to like it, and of course i wouldn't suggest dating someone who you were not interested in. I am just still amazed how your feelings changed so rapidly over the course of one day.

[missmarple]

I've changed my mind a couple times. Once, it was a guy who looked great on the first date but very intense on the second one...asking all the time 'do you like me? do you think you could have a relationship with me?'..that sort of thing. The other time it was someone who, on the second date, started telling me about his ex and their sexual problems in so many details that I wouldn't share with someone even on the tenth date!

In your case, I don't think age is the problem. His personality is. Some women like men who let them lead. Some don't. It's not about age.

[resilient7]

I want to agree with you Delacrank because I'm currently feeling bummed out because the EXACT thing happened to me last week. Ok, I probably agree with you haha. But that's just how many people operate these days. I'm learning to just accept that. I'm a little odd and quirky but I'm also confident in approaching women but they expect me to be suave and charming all the way when it's just a thin layer of who I really am. I could be confident and charming like the players and talk the way they do but I'm also a huge dork. So i realize when they tap into that side of my personality they run for the hills or like the OP they start doubting their feelings for me. Happens all the time......I pull them in but once they get to know me they start giving me the "you're a great guy but" speech.

 

I just wished the OP would have given the guy a bit more time as she knew his age and I'm sure other things about him before she met him in person. I'm speaking on my behalf of course where I wish I was given more time because just like the OP she also had a good time and was fond of me.

[NorthDallas40]

I'm sorry to say this, but after hearing this story it kind of justifies my belief of how fickle women can be.

 

Whatever. Men do this kind of thing all the time.

 

Or have you not read any of the numerous posts by women on ENA about how dudes disappear on them after a first date or even after several?

 

Women may be fickle but men are too.

 

I'm sorry but losing interest in someone just because they aren't confident about knowing where to go on a date?

 

Totally reasonable. Dude is showing he had lack of initiative, lack of imagination, and lack of confidence. Those are pretty big dealbreakers for a woman, and rightfully so. If a guy can't be bothered come up with a good first or second date idea, it doesn't bode well for his ability to make more important decisions down the road.

[QWit]

Yes, it's normal..

[PetiteGirl]

this guy is younger than me, and it bothers me a bit. But I noticed he wants me to 'lead' him, i.e. to suggest dates and take him to places that could be interesting. This point just makes me think about the age question over and over. So now I know we could be just friends, but not more (on my side).

 

I had an ex who wanted me to "lead" him almost all the time. Eventually that worn me out and I grew to resent him for not putting much effort into our relationship. So in a way, to me it may be a red flag and an indication of laziness. Perhaps your instinct picked up on that.

[Yasminah]

Resilient, what is OP?

[HeartGoesOn]

OP = Original poster.

[mbee]

This is a normal process of dating. Personally, I like to give people a second chance if something didn't sit right for me. This only applies if the first 1-2 dates were good and depending on the reason that turned me off. I realize people have bad days and a quirk can come off as odd if taken out of context. For instance, I dated a guy who said something a bit too sexual for me on a 2nd date. It was a joke though and I had no idea until I got to know his humor a bit better on the 3rd date. However, if this guy is already suggesting that you "lead" him on dates, then I would say that's a big mismatch. Like someone else said, it's a sign that this guy is lazy and you'll have to be comfortable doing the majority of the work with planning dates which isn't okay.

[resilient7]

I agree.....

[SooSad33]

It could be cause for an 'issue' if you made it one, from the start. ( If it's always bothered you- so you stuck with this 'reason/excuse').

 

If you're not turned off him.. you do need to tell him the interest just isn't there.

[SLB1990]

I experienced this with my ex boyfriend. He was my friends brother and we had always gotten along when we had been around each other (which was fairly frequently). After a year or so of being around him, I found out that he liked me. I had had a bit of a crush on him as well but since he was my friends older brother, I never thought much of it because I didn't see it as an option. Well we started hanging out and then we made it official with the boyfriend/girlfriend titles. I will admit, a major turn off for me was that he never did make plans. He would ask what I wanted to do and if I said that I didn't know, we wouldn't do anything and he would just explain how he isn't good at coming up with ideas for dates. I agree that it does sound a little fickle...but I just want someone to make an effort to make plans at least every now and then. It was a lot of us hanging out in his basement watching baseball which got a little old after a while. There were a lot of other things that turned me off to him though. He was extremely jealous, possessive, clingy, and he had threatened me on one occasion. I knew it wasn't a healthy relationship. However, it was hard to deal with because I did like him so much before I had actually started dating him.

 

But sometimes you just don't "click" with people. I realized that my ex and I didn't click like we should have and so things ended and now we are working on being friends. We both just need to move on and find someone that we do click with that we don't lose interest in.

[aussielis]

i had the same thing recently, saw a guy for 2 months he so full on into me telling me it would take a lot for him to leave, wanting to move in etc. 3 days later he dumped me.

[TimmyBoy]

Whatever. Men do this kind of thing all the time.

 

Or have you not read any of the numerous posts by women on ENA about how dudes disappear on them after a first date or even after several?

 

Women may be fickle but men are too.

 

To be honest I think fickleness is about maturity. I know it sounds arrogant, but people have always told me I'm mature for my age, and now that I'm going out with a girl who's a bit older than me it's WAY easier. When people have grown out of that flaky, wishy-washy, commitment-phobic phase of their late teens-mid 20s they are a lot more simple to deal with and you don't have to tread so carefully with stuff like "OMG I'd better not text her back for another 48 hours or she'll think I'm too keen and have a panic attack".

 

Totally reasonable. Dude is showing he had lack of initiative, lack of imagination, and lack of confidence. Those are pretty big dealbreakers for a woman, and rightfully so. If a guy can't be bothered come up with a good first or second date idea, it doesn't bode well for his ability to make more important decisions down the road.

 

See, this is where we disagree. I just don't get it at all.

 

If you believe that men and women should be treated as equals - and I presume that you do - then why is it automatically the guy who has to take charge? Why can't YOU come up with a date idea? Why can't YOU make decisions?

[missmarple]

If you believe that men and women should be treated as equals - and I presume that you do - then why is it automatically the guy who has to take charge? Why can't YOU come up with a date idea? Why can't YOU make decisions?

 

It's not a matter of equality. It's a matter of what everyone finds attractive...or not.

For example, my type has always been guys on the quiet side who were happy to let me make decisions. I love suggesting stuff to do and places to go as long as someone has expressed a desire to date me. I actually love it when someone asks me where I'd like to go.

But not everyone likes the same things. Other women like men who take initiative, plan dates etc etc. The OP is obviously that type so, it's natural that this guy doesn't 'float her boat'.

[TimmyBoy]

It's not a matter of equality. It's a matter of what everyone finds attractive...or not.

For example, my type has always been guys on the quiet side who were happy to let me make decisions. I love suggesting stuff to do and places to go as long as someone has expressed a desire to date me. I actually love it when someone asks me where I'd like to go.

But not everyone likes the same things. Other women like men who take initiative, plan dates etc etc. The OP is obviously that type so, it's natural that this guy doesn't 'float her boat'.

 

 

I don't think that's the case here. The poster I responded to (not the OP, incidentally) described it at "reasonable" that a guy should be expected to make the decisions; that confidence, imagination and ability to take the initiative "are pretty big dealbreakers for a woman, and rightfully so" (emphasis mine); and that "if a guy can't be bothered come up with a good first or second date idea, it doesn't bode well for his ability to make more important decisions down the road." It was clearly worded as something she thinks most women would expect from a man for what she thinks are sensible reasons, not just her instinctive attraction preferences.

[hodgeheg]

I don't think that's the case here. The poster I responded to (not the OP, incidentally) described it at "reasonable" that a guy should be expected to make the decisions; that confidence, imagination and ability to take the initiative "are pretty big dealbreakers for a woman, and rightfully so" (emphasis mine); and that "if a guy can't be bothered come up with a good first or second date idea, it doesn't bode well for his ability to make more important decisions down the road." It was clearly worded as something she thinks most women would expect from a man for what she thinks are sensible reasons, not just her instinctive attraction preferences.

 

The person you are responding to is a man, not a woman. Does this alter your opinion perhaps?

That iis obviously how he treats women and thinks they should be treated. ND40 is no novice in the dating game and if he thinks that women (in general) prefer a man to take the lead then he's probably correct. As a female I'd agree with him.

 

To return to the OPs point, yes of course you can like someone initially but then change your mind upon getting to know them better, that's what dating is.

[junebug123]

To be honest I think fickleness is about maturity.

 

Um, not necessarily. I think fickleness is more about supply and demand then it has to do with maturity. Not sure if you get my drift. A women who is in high demand can be choosey, she can decide well his nose was too big, or his shoes were ugly, and have guys lined up to date her next.

 

Yet, a women who isn't in high demand has to be more concerned about who she chooses and dismisses, she can't just brush guys off left and right when she has no idea when her next date will come.

 

Women they have this ability to be very choosey at times, with what i don't know, could be a man, could be a new car, could be a job. Yet, the point is, a women has the ability to do this because maybe she doesn't value the man as much as she values 'other' things.

 

Some say that men do this too, but we haven't heard their explanation of why they dumped the women they were with. Everyone here clearly understood the OP said she decided to loss interest in the man simply because he wasn't confident about where to go.

[Mesemene]

It's normal.

 

Think about it. When we're initially attracted, we don't know as much about the person as we do after that date, and so on.

 

Sometimes the basics we knew and found attractive start to fade when other personality traits, beliefs, or just basic incompatibilities start to show.

 

For example... say you meet Miss X. It's a nice dinner and movie date, you chat comfortably, she's attractive. You're all set for date #2. For date 2 - you ask her over to your place for dinner.

 

And she makes disparaging comments about the delivery you've ordered (you couldn't even make the effort to cook?), the flowers on the table make her sneeze, your dog is getting hair on her... intentional or not, all you hear is whine, whine, whine.

 

And the shiny fades PDQ.

 

Ok, that might be a bit extreme, but attractiveness beyond the surface depends on more depth than you see before a date, or on the first date, when everyone has that best foot forward. And seeing even something small that bugs you can turn it off really fast.

[junebug123]

For example... say you meet Miss X. It's a nice dinner and movie date, you chat comfortably, she's attractive. You're all set for date #2. For date 2 - you ask her over to your place for dinner.

 

And she makes disparaging comments about the delivery you've ordered (you couldn't even make the effort to cook?), the flowers on the table make her sneeze, your dog is getting hair on her... intentional or not, all you hear is whine, whine, whine.

 

Yes, this is true but the point i was trying to make is that whining or not, most men can look past these small subtleties. Men in general, are just not that picky, if i go grocery shopping and i see an apple that i like, but it has a small bruise on it, I'm not going to just decide well, maybe i want this orange instead (that's fickle). My intent is to eat the apple bruise or no bruise, you see even if i have to jump through hops in order to obtain this apple, my mind was made up and changing it would be very difficult unless it was something really serious.

(yes this is a metaphor, although i didn't think i needed to spell it out)

 

This isn't to say that i don't hear your point. It is a good one, people change over time, or we see faults in people which we didn't necessarily notice before. Yes, i understand that, but why go through all the trouble of deciding to go on a date with an individual, getting dressed up, getting your hopes up, maybe even telling people about the supposed date and then deciding that you changed your mind because the person didn't live up to your ideal man, or that he wasn't Mr. right.

 

I guess i am looking at this from a man's perspective: maybe women see something deeper in meeting a man. I am just saying date or no date, when i make up my mind about something, i generally stick to it, be it with work, school, sports, or relationships. I am not just going to change it on a whim.

[missmarple]

Men in general, are just not that picky, if i go grocery shopping and i see an apple that i like, but it has a small bruise on it, I'm not going to just decide well, maybe i want this orange instead (that's fickle).

 

Are you joking??? I've been rejected by men for reasons as shallow as: I need to lose weight (I'm 5'7, 136 pounds so, hardly fat!), I ask too many questions, I have a cat (he wasn't even allergic to cats), I don't want to have sex on the SECOND date, he doesn't like my perfume..and the list goes on and on and on. Some of these things were said to my face, some I found out later through friends...and all those guys were guys who did like me initially, asked me out (some from online, some in 'real life') and changed their mind after a second or third date.

 

I've changed my mind, too, after a couple dates, as I said before..and everyone has at some point, I'm sure...men and women alike.

 

Fickle is too strong a word when someone changes his mind after a couple dates. Now, if the OP had said she's been going out with him for 6 months and suddenly she noticed she doesn't like his eye colour, then, yes, that would make her fickle..lol

[Yasminah]

Everyone here clearly understood the OP said she decided to loss interest in the man simply because he wasn't confident about where to go.

 

Hi Delacrank,

 

I decided to wait a few dates and see if the guy is mature enough for me, and he turned out a big NOT MATURE. He is too lazy to take the initiative and suggest something, or even ask me if I am busy or not to go somewhere. I am more comfortable with a man who is decisive and who convinces me that he wants me. May be you don't understand these things, but this is a woman thing basically. So I just decided to gradually 'disappear' since I can't force myself to be with him. It's not really physical. The guy was literally charming me in the first dates, but everything evaporated: He projected a nice image of himself, even the way he talks, his voice intonations, in order to make me like him maybe, but he JUST RELAXED AND SAT BACK only a short time later.

 

As a grown up woman, I cannot take it.