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So confused and hurting.....


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First off, this suits multiple categories..so I thought Id just post it here...feel free to move it sopmewhere more appropriate Avman, PA or whoever.

 

OK, this is the first time Ive asked for help in a while on here. Here is my situation as it stands:

 

As most regulars will know, I left my home town after a messy breakup with my then g/f...anyway, thats uinimportant, what is important is I am now moving back to my hometown.

 

Anyway, Ive been talking to a girl up there for a while, I like her a LOT...shes just really amazing, shes into computers like I am, and to the same extent that I am, shes funny, cute, intelligent...I dont know what more a guy could hope for. Now we've been talking about going out when I got up there, which was all nice and good.

 

Then when I started talking to my mates about me moving in, they said I had to run it by the third guy living there...her ex. He said its OK, which isnt the problem, the problem is he has strong feelings for her, and he wanted to talk to her about the whole thing as I told him I would probably be seeing her when I came up there and wanted to make sure he was OK with it. He wanted her to come around there and talk about it...at like 1:00 in the morning, she went for a few hours, and she promised me nothing would happen and I believe nothing did.

 

Problem is, now she is confused as to who she wants. I tried to tell her to just forget me and go with him, as they broke up over a really silly reason, and its obvious to me they care about each other (I dont know how long they were together for BTW). She told me to stop being silly and wait until I get there an see what happens.

 

The thing is, since then, she hasnt been as talkative as she usually is, and its not just my imagination (We've probably said less in the last week than we did the first day we talked). Also with him up there, he can give her what she needs now, where I cannot offer her anything at the moment, and even when I get there, this other guy is a lot more secure than I am, and he could give her more than I ever could.

 

Anyway, my problem is Im now totally confused and hurt...I dont have the confidence to stand up for myself any more in this sort of situation, what confidence I did have my ex did a great job in destroying, and I am more than willing to just stand aside, but I keep getting these mixed signals of her saying "You're being silly" when I tell her this and at the same time she hardly talks any more. I dont know whether Ive upset her at some point or what the hell is going on, Im just so confused.

 

Ive tried to talk to her about all these issues, but I can never find the words when I go to and just keep dribbling...I spend all day thinking of what I want to say/ask her, and when crunch time comes I clam up....its really getting to me...like making me really really down.

 

Any opinions no matter how harsh/rude/whatever would me much appreciated cause I just so badly want to try and work this out in my head before I go completely insane.

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I think you are much better off not talking to her about how you feel or what is happening. If she gets together with him, it should not appear to bother you, for everyone's sake. Moreover, you being more aloof gives you a better chance to get her.

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Well my friend, I'm going to give you a little tough love in this situation. You either stand up and take what you want, or you are simply going to lose it to someone else.

 

You love this girl? You want to be with her? Well then you better make a stand and tell her. No more of this "Oh its ok, I'll just stand aside. Forget about me". You need to put yourself out there and say "I want you, I want to be with you. I'm coming out there to get you." Otherwise you show no confidence, and no interest in her. So of COURSE you are going to lose her. Its a self fulfilling prophecy. Stop the talk about this other guy being so much better, more secure, more whatever. Let HER make those decisions for herself.

 

You may think she's the one who changed. But you have also changed. Now you are talking to her differently than you did before. So she's confused. You need to show her that you want her and that she can count on you once you arrive. Eliminate any confusion or doubt in her mind about who she wants to be with. Talk to her about all the fun things you'll do once you arrive there. Dream with her about being together. Do not doubt that it will happen. Because if you do, then she will doubt too.

 

The ball is in your court whether you believe it or not. She's looking for signals from you about your intentions. So make them loud and clear.

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VERY Well said Avman.

 

Now Allan, I personally think that you DO have the guts and will power do tell her straight up how you feel... This guy she use to date, I dont know him all that well, so I can't really comment about him, but I think If I were her, I would choose you, because her and I both know you pretty damn well....

 

Your a good guy, you've helped me out more times then I can remember, your nice, you dont care if people are better then you at something, or have something newer or better then you do, you dont strive to be the cool kid on the block.. and THAT my friend, is what makes you, YOU, and able to over come this fear or depression stage your going through, I know you will fight it and overcome it. Your too good to let it get to you.

 

She will make the right desicion, I know her, not all that well but I know her, shes evil, but in a cool way, she likes you, she might just be confused, you both seem like you two would hit it off perfectly, you seem like you would make a good couple.

 

 

Just do what avman said and tell her, dont talk HIM up, talk YOURSELF up and tell her how you feel and tell her you want her, let her realise she wants to same.. But I personally think you should wait till you get here first.

 

GL man, I'm always with ya

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I agree, I don't hear any singing either. I think she signed off because she is confused and needs to compose herself. Don't write it off just yet.

 

Give her a day to decompress. Then send her an email talking about how you don't care about the stuff with her ex. How you are looking forward to seeing her. That you can talk about all of this when you arrive. And that taking it slow is fine. And then let her sort things out for herself.

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I think you need to take a look at what has happened with this situation and and learn some things. You have to work on restoring your confidence. You also need to learn how to better deal with the females you are interested in. If you arent even back in your hometown yet then whats the point in getting hurt prematurely. It would have been best if you would have remained friendly with her while flirting and getting to know her better so that when you did come into town. You have to remember that she was an option and not a guarantee, nothin can ever been guaranteed when you deal with people. I think you also need to look at how you cope with this issue, do you want to have this happen everytime it doesnt happen to work out with a certain girl? This is why its best not to expose your intentions until the appropriate time, this will keep you from being/getting hurt.

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ComputerGuy,

 

Sorry for what you're going through man. You'll get over it soon. Girls are weird sometimes, and a lot of them are different. Some of them (the good ones) will eventually want to know where the two of you stand, but other ones would get so easily turned off with the slightest indication that you're falling for her or what not. But think about it - If you tell a girl how you feel and she's not responsive to that, she's obviously not feeling the same for you. That's why, to be on the safe side, I am never direct with my feelings towards a girl until I know that she feels the same way about me. So what do I do instead? I SHOW her through my actions - touching, tickling, teasing, etc. If she reciprocates my behavior, then I know i'm making progress, but I'm still not home because she hasn't verbalized how she feels.

 

Still, it's important that a girl both shows you and tells you. Telling you alone means nothing because she might tell you one thing and then tell you another thing tomorrow. Her actions have to back up her words.

Anyway, if things don't work out with her, keep your head up. Focus on a hobby, school, work, anything, and when you least expect it you'll meet someone new in the near future.

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Allan I know exactly what your going through man...

 

I'll tell you something... I was thinking about.... 3 or 4 days ago when that thing happened with Leya.... that your post on GU ( Another forum) about what peoples names mean, and Allan means something about having real bad luck with women, well... both our names are alan/allan, and Its so true, I was thinking about it, all that crap you know about me happened, and not this... Its weird, whenever I find im getting to attached to a chick I always feel to over confident and then it screws things up for the next time i see or talk to that chick....

 

Avman gives out really good advice, listen to him as im sure you do anyway.

 

So give her a day, or 2, or 3 or a week, how ever long you think it would take for her to get over whatever is happening.

 

Think clearly dude, dont let this situation blur your thoughts dude, keep thinking positivly and KNOW all will end up fine with both of you

 

I believe it will work out, it has too, you've have that supprise for her in the aisle of EVO5

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Yes, I have to agree with the other posters here, If you want something then you have to fight for it. Don't stand aside for someone else to push in. If you fight for something and give it your best shot, but it doesn't work out, at least when you look back you can say to yourself that you did your best. On the other hand you might just win her over!

 

Sleep on it tonight and contact her tomorrow.

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OK, Ive got her back online, and Im talking to her now....trying to patch up my stuff ups now. Last night it scared me into realising and changing a few things about myself. It shouldnt have taken that but its happened now and Im determined to do whatever it takes to make sure I come out on top this time....she is worth every bit of effort.

 

Thanx heaps for your advice.

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Hey Computer guy I hope things work out.

 

I'm going to give you a suggestion--take it or leave it. Next time try not giving the other guy a heads up. You want the girl, don't announce it and DON'T ask the other guy for permission. You see something you want--go after it. This is one of those times where you shouldn't be a "nice guy"

 

This guy had the perfect opportunity to talk to the girl and do something( like confuse the hell out of her) He was smart about it too, he knew you were coming so he hurried up.... while you were miles away unable to make a move or plea your case.. etc. Don't do it again my friend.

 

I do hope you got your confidence back. Part of our ( or my) attraction to a man is the fact that I know he wants me. So show this girl you want her...don't give up too easy.

 

I agree with the others about not sharing your feelings with her yet. That kinda thing is better left unsaid until you know she feels the same. My view is that if you tell a girl how you feel right away it looks too ( desperate?). So go at a good pace and just enjoy yourself.

 

and that's my 2 cents.

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Thanx Muneca...thats precisely what I decided to do, stop being so nice about everything...yeah I might annoy some people, and I might have to go against a few of my principles.....but this time I have something worth doing it for. As for giving him the heads up...didnt have a choice there. The place I am moving into is the same place her ex lives....he's my friends other flatmate, and my flatmates said before I could move in I had to run that whole situation by him as they didnt want unecessary tension in the house......kinda sux but it's my only way back into Darwin.

 

She already knows I have feelings for her, and I know she is interested in me, and you could be right about this guy using this opportunity, but after that night, even he said to me dont give up that easily, so I dont know. Either way, Im not going to back off showing her Im interested.

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Dude, If all goes well and you don't really wanna live with them, When my brother gets back from Brissy, we MIGHT be moving into a place together and there will be NO hassles with you moving in, we love you

 

That is if he doesnt decide to goto Perth to live...

 

Take 'er easy buddy!

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OK this seems to be a game of me vs him, and as much as I got no problem standing up for myself, Im not going to play games about it. I want her so badly, but I dont want to be miserable because Im stuck playing a game that in the end could mean I spent all this time hurting for nothing.

 

Yes I want her, yes I think she is the greatest girl alive, yes I would be so happy to be with her, but I dont want to play games about it.

 

Any suggestions/comments?

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What you are saying is totally understandable.

 

In my opinion, you should fight for her. If a guy was telling me to just forget about him and choose the other guy, it would make me feel like he wasn't interested in me.

 

However, if a guy kept telling me that I should choose him and not the other guy and always told me how he wants to be with me, I would be flattered, but at the same time it might seem a little desperate.

 

Part of loving someone means that you want them to be happy even if they aren't with you. However another part is letting them know how much they mean to you.

 

I think that next time you talk to her, say something like "Look, I really like you a lot. I would do anything for you, but I know you are going through a confusing time right now. I just hope you know that I want you to be happy, even if its not with me. I think you should know though that I think you are amazing in every way."

 

I know you are hurting right now and I don't blame you. That has to be really hard. However, don't give up. Even if she chooses the other guy in the end, you will know you tried. There's nothing better than trying. You don't have to "fight" for her. Just keep letting her know that you think she's wonderful and that you care about her happiness.

 

Don't give up. Don't tell her to just forget about you and go with the other guy. That is really sweet, but if you want her, you can't give up. Some of the greatest things aren't easy and you have to fight for what you really want.

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