Maybe we need to let it go to find it?

[IAmFCA]

After a wild ride through my inner psyche, I am coming to a new place in my dating theory:

 

Once one has dated enough to become self-aware, to figure out what one is looking for and what is required to attract it... then, should the active dating cease?

 

Consider this saying:

 

"Success is not something you pursue. What you pursue eludes you. Success is something you ATTRACT by the person you become. If you want more, you must become more."

 

Maybe to attract a life partner, we focus on our own lives. Get off the on-line sites, stop being pro-active about dating altogether.

 

To get it means first having to let it go.

 

I am not sure how mid-lifers who may have kids, careers meet people; that is certainly a concern. Still, if the theory applies, then pursuing a relationship is not the way. Its like the Art of War; the opposite direction is the most direct way.

[lavenderdove]

Actually I don't agree with that for practical reasons.

 

For example, let's say you want to find a new job. But you don't look at the want ads, don't send out your resume, don't get the education needed to qualify for the jobs that you want etc. And you just sit home contemplating your navel and announcing that you will ATTRACT a job by doing nothing at all.

 

It's a nice thought (and appeals because you have to put ZERO effort into setting and meeting goals), but the odds are very slim that your dream job will magically drop into your lap out of the blue.

 

I think the focus here needs to shift to two different things (and of course life is about doing MANY concurrent things that are not mutually exclusive). First, you focus on being happy and meeting all kinds of goals that fulfill you that have nothing to do with dating. So you plan time in your life (and in your head) to do/live in a way that is satisfying to you. Then you also recognize that if what you want is a partner and you don't like living alone, then you need to devote some time to dating, but not in a panicked way, but in a way that you would look for a new job, where you recognize it will take some effort and getting out there and kissing some toads before you find the right one, but not making it your ONLY priority, just one of your priorities. Then you'll be happy if you find someone, and happy if you don't.

[IAmFCA]

Well said Lavenderdove. The quote says "If you want to have more, you must become more" which in a jobs context would mean better skills, better networking etc. In a dating context I suppose the same applies: better looking, better availability, better social skills, more dynamic social life.

 

To turn away from it altogether would indeed be akin to sitting at home and waiting for the job to arrive.

[bwhite00]

I use astrology, specifically synastry and for years. I have analyzed the relationship charts between dozens of people, and they're uncannily accurate (especially my own). If you want a soul-mate aspect... look for a Neptune/Saturn connection and North Node (destiny) connections. Just my experience.

[IAmFCA]

bwhite00, before I married my ex-H, someone did charts and graphs and told us our biorhythms were out of sync.

 

Nothing could have been more true, and we didn't respect the advice nor did it ever change.

[savignon]

I use astrology, specifically synastry and for years. I have analyzed the relationship charts between dozens of people, and they're uncannily accurate (especially my own). If you want a soul-mate aspect... look for a Neptune/Saturn connection and North Node (destiny) connections. Just my experience.

What does that mean? I love astrology. How do you find that connection/pairing?

[Sportster2005]

I think it's about balance. I advocate caring less, but don't become apathetic. Be open to dating and meeting others, but it shouldn't consume your energy. I used go on the dating sites and date, and date, and date. It became tiresome. I became cynical and exhausted. Now I spend very little time online. I get a profile, meet no more than two women and then delete my account. I don't keep an account active for more than three weeks, at the most. Sometimes as little as 48 hours if I'm busy and nothing gets my attention. Much more fulfilling and peaceful this way. I should add I log in very little. I write emails, and respond, that's it. Keeping it easy and relaxed and not caring so much has served me very well.

 

I've always seen dating as nothing more than a process. It's a means to end. It is not the end I desire. I also believe we should be performance orientated and not goal orientated. It's all about process. Instead of setting an outcome based goal like;

"I want to be in a relationship in three months"

Set a more performance orientated goal;

"I will meet or meet a new person once a week"

 

I've never believed you find someone when you stop looking. I do believe sometimes serendipity and luck can play a role. Luck always favors the prepared