My mother does not Defend Me

[Leona700]

When I bring up a topic of how someone has harmed me in the past before she even hears the story she's tell me I looked for trouble. By stending up for myself she blames me for saying or doing what I considered right. It hurts me to know that I have a mother who blames me for speaking the truth. I never ever hurt someone on purpose or create tension with people on purpose. Sometimes people are mean and hurtful and I just don't want to be out down by anyone. Why is she so quick to blame me before hearing the facts?

[mhowe]

Why are to talking to your mother about people who have harmed you in the past?

 

Put it behind you, or deal directly with the people.

She isn't blaming you for standing up for yourself --- more that you are dwelling on the past.

[shes2smart]

Most of us have this idea/ideal of how our parents ought to be.

 

For some of us, whether it is because our expectations are too high or because our parents are not ideal parents, they never quite fit the image we have.

 

You said

Sometimes people are mean and hurtful

sometimes those people who are mean and hurtful also happen to be our parents....and sometimes, we are the convenient target they aim that meanness towards.

 

It'd be great if we could all have caring and supportive parents who loved us unconditionally, but the fact of the matter is not everyone gets that. If you stop expecting her to do what you'd like her to do and instead deal with what she actually does, you'd have a lot less disappointment to deal with.

[East4]

I feel for you, Leona. It really hurts when a mother, that should be one's most secure shelter and protector, finds fault with her child even without trying to understand. I do not know how old you are, but even at my age (39) i still feel resentment towards my mother for all the occasions when she didn't stand up for me when i was a child. You are totally justified to feel hurt and i am afraid that the pain will carry over adulthood, as the inner child in me remains disappointed by my mother's behavior.

 

Take heart, because what your mom did, or didn't do is due to her own limitations, not related to you. Of course, the same like yours, my mom too becomes defensive when years later i called her on her behavior and asked explanations why she didn't stand up for me when it was necessary. The same like yours, my mom said that it was all my fault. They are simply avoiding to see how they hurt us, out of guilt, denial or something else.

 

My advice -try to see your parents for what they are-fallible human beings, with their own problems. It is very hard for a mother when her child points out her parental mistakes. This is why they would normally turn the table on you or deny that the problem existed.

[itsallgrand]

She does it cause she is not prepared or able to help. Maybe she doesn't know how to do it for herself. So how can she do it for you.

 

Grew up with a lot of family which are very much of the the "got your arm cut off?! Good. Shouldn't have been doing X anyways." or "Got called a b/ch? Toughen the hell up. I'll give ya something to cry about."

 

What I realized as an adult is that these folks get angry and push it back on you because...they don't have a damn clue how to handle these things and it makes them very uncomfortable to be confronted with it.

[Leona700]

Thank you so much for all your inputs..it makes me feel better knowing that she just dosnt see what I see

[East4]

she just dosnt see what I see

 

exactly, you got it. Good luck, girl, be brave.

[Kendahke]

Thank you so much for all your inputs..it makes me feel better knowing that she just dosnt see what I see

 

if she allowed herself to see it, then she would have to examine where she failed you and she might be of that generation that believes nothing a parent does could ever rise to the level of offense with their child. My mother is the exact same way. I've learned to love her from a distance. She complains that I don't' call her enough, but as much as I do love her, I can't be the kind of daughter she didn't raise me to be. She pushed me away, emotionally, when I was young, so I learned to keep my distance. I was closer to my father. I've had to learn the hard way that the parent I expected her to be never existed and I was hurting myself trying to turn her into that.

 

One has to watch how one treats their children because one day, one could be an elderly parent whose children do not want to be around them.