Playing it cool .. will it work?

[karpeezy]

My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, citing that his feelings were not progressing like he thought they should, we were on different pages, he couldn’t tell me he loved me (he’s never loved anyone btw). He’s not ready to give up the freedom and it’s not fair to me.

 

With exception to 2 very short text convos about baseball (we're on the same team and I didn't go to the next game) we didn't talk for 12 days.

 

I sent an e-mail 3 days later, saying there is no hard feelings, I have taken time to reflect and I understand why he did what he did, and I am going to move forward and find someone who will love me. That I hope we can interact as teammates and friends at baseball. He wrote back about 45 minutes later, and said that he cared, and still does care very deeply about me, and the b/u had been an adjustment for him as well. That it is the best for both of us, and he hopes I find what I’m looking for. A bit more small talk about baseball , and he said he didn’t think we’d have any problem interacting as friends and teammates and he was open to get together before baseball.

 

Prior to meeting the next evening, he sent a message about “it’s supposed to be chilly tonight, make sure you bring warm clothes” (Random). We met at a coffee shop and chatted for 45 minutes. We sat and talked about fluff stuff... the long weekend, work, baseball, etc. He was very detailed in telling me about his weekend and work, etc. On the way to our cars I stopped him and said thanks for coming, I really think we can be friends, it would be a shame to throw away our compatibility and commonalities and if he ever sees a pic or something hethinks I’d like, to feel free to text me, and I would do the same. He said “so we’ll keep our communication open” and I said yes.

 

Baseball was great, his family was all there, I know everyone was watching our interactions. He was more attentive than normal, sitting next to me a couple times, touching my hand when I got hit, and on the way out to the field asking how I was doing, etc. I had to remind myself…don’t read into this! After the game, I said see you next week, and left. He followed up with a text when I was home “Great game btw! I’m glad you played”. I responded “It felt good to get back out there. You had a great game to, nice homers".

 

We didn't talk since then, other than a quick exchange last night if I was going to be at ball tonight, so I'll see him again tonight (we have 3 weeks left of ball).

 

I’m giving him his space, letting him do his own thing. I never begged or pleaded to get him back, didn’t barrage him with text messages or phone calls, avoided contacting his family or friends until I was sure he had (his mom facebooked me a few nights about how she was soo sorry that things didn’t work out and wants the best for me and loves me, etc... and his sister has been in touch as well). I think I've done everything right and very maturely.

 

I’m taking the playing it cool approach. Playing solid baseball, cheering him on, and genuinely having a good time. Maybe he’ll see me in a new light, this is the girl he was into before. But if he doesn’t, I am focusing on myself and moving forward one step at a time.

 

Sidenote: He’s 29 and has only had one other relationship (4 months). This one was 9 months. He has a good job, car, lives at home, great family,very religious background. We kind of fell into each others laps... had great chemistry, tons in common, same religion, etc. He has always been happy being single and was not looking for a relationship. I figure he’ll either realize that he just wants to be single, in which case, it’s a good thing I’m focusing on myself and moving on … or he’ll realize maybe hanging with the boys who all wanna get drunk and chase girls, maybe isn’t all it’s cracked up to be since he is not like that.

 

Either way, it’s helped me a lot talking to different friends and family, journaling, going away, keeping busy. Even though I think of him , I don’t cry anymore. Seeing him that night gave me the bit of closure I was looking for, and I truly do think we can be friends.

 

I figure, time will tell a lot.. if we are meant to be in each others lives, we'll keep in touch, come back together whether as friends or a couple. If we aren't supposed to be in each others lives, we'll naturally go our own ways, and someone better will come along!

 

I guess my question is, what are the chances? I know none of us can predict the future, and for this reason I am focusing on myself. But I think I've done everything right, but I'm curious .. does playing it cool ever work?

[solamente]

whether it works in getting him back or not, i don't know. but it will sure work for your self-respect, which is what really matters right now.

[ParisPaulette]

You are handling this breakup in the best way possible, and from your post I can tell you actually respect yourself and realize you deserve someone who will give you their all. Right now you are doing everything right. Will he come back to you because of it? That's really hard to say, but rather than focus on that continue to focus on yourself first and what you want. If it's meant to be then you certainly are showing him that you have self-respect and are not going to degrade yourself trying to win him back and that's going to count for a lot, not ony in his eyes but everyone else who knows you too. I do think if you are the longest relationship he's ever had and he still couldn't make it to the one-year mark that the chances are good he's just not a relationship guy at this stage of his life. That may change in the future, but for now all you can do is what you are already doing.

 

You're doing an amazing job of healing, keep it up.

[karpeezy]

Thanks solamente and ParisPaulette! I do feel like I have maintained my self respect, and will continue to do so. I feel like I'm in a good place, and although it's been tough to see him, I am handling myself well. Especially considering his parents and sister were there last night. I gave them all big hugs and spent some time chatting with them.

 

I figure time is my friend and it's a win/win situation. I have a chance now to improve myself and work on my independence and getting back out there, moving on at the same time. If he comes back, who knows ... I might not even want him back at that point!

 

ParisPaulette, I think you are spot on with him not being a relationship guy right now. He basically admitted it to me two months earlier when he said he didn't know if he was ready to give up his freedom, and not put himself first all the time. He thinks everything through and said he wanted to make sure he was ready to give it up, before going further in the relationship because it wouldn't be fair to me. It was basically a foreshadow of what was yet to come. I really thought he would be ready, but you can't rush that sort of thing and like you said, maybe it will change in the future ... but I can't count on that.

 

Thanks for both your opinions, any more are welcome!

[sharky988]

I wouldn't try to be "friends" unless you wholeheartedly only want friendship from him, which isn't what I understood from your post.

 

Guys are like shoes -- you take them 'as is." He hasn't had a real relationship at 29, he's got issues. You're not going to change him and you're not going to solve his issues. Also, you deserve someone who really does love you and doesn't have a problem saying so -- someone you don't have to convince to be in a relationship with you!!

 

You're too good for this guy. He hasn't grown up. Don't hold his hand through this breakup, and don't rationalize settling for friendship when you want more. He doesn't deserve it.

 

Just in my opinion, anyway. :subdued:

[karpeezy]

I wouldn't try to be "friends" unless you wholeheartedly only want friendship from him, which isn't what I understood from your post.

 

Guys are like shoes -- you take them 'as is." He hasn't had a real relationship at 29, he's got issues. You're not going to change him and you're not going to solve his issues. Also, you deserve someone who really does love you and doesn't have a problem saying so -- someone you don't have to convince to be in a relationship with you!!

 

You're too good for this guy. He hasn't grown up. Don't hold his hand through this breakup, and don't rationalize settling for friendship when you want more. He doesn't deserve it.

 

Just in my opinion, anyway.

 

Thanks for the input Sharky! I agree with you, I am not ready at this point to be his friend. If I was, I wouldn't be writing this post!! lol. I do think that in time a real friendship is absolutely possible but time will tell.

 

I do deserve better, and thanks for reinforcing that to me! This is the first time I've been in love, and now I know what it feels like and what I have to give, and I also have a better idea of what I'd like back. Which I do realize he cannot give me. He's never been in love and if he couldn't love me (not to toot my own horn haha) I don't know how he'll be able to love someone else.

 

He does need to grow up, and I'm trying not to hold his hand. It's a bit tougher since we have our baseball commitment .. but that's only two more times and then we will go our separate ways. I think I am very prepared, almost looking forward, to that separation.

 

Ultimately, time will be my biggest friend in moving forward and moving on. I can do it!

[karpeezy]

Five weeks post BU, I have still been spending a fair amount of time on ENA and thought I'd follow up and see if anyone has anymore input for me.

 

Since the BU, after the initial first week of intense pain, I have been playing it cool with him. I have continued to give him space. He has initiated text message contact multiple times, about once or twice a week. I reply but do not ask questions, and have ended the conversations about 3-4 texts in with a "have a good week" or something along those lines. I have initiated contact once, when I had a car/insurance question.

 

I have lost 14 lbs, joined a dodgeball team, and started going to a Church group during the week. Everyone I see comments on how good I look, which is definitely a boost for my self esteem I'm doing this for ME but it's a bonus that he sees the change.

 

Baseball has ended, Thursday was the last day/all star game which he was playing in, I was not. I showed up and looked hot! I spent time talking to my friends, as well as his family. I had a brief exchange with him but not to much. It was a very final feeling, since this is the last time we guarantee to see each other.

 

However, I had a minor breakdown. I got emotional at the idea I won't see him or his family anymore. I didn't cry but was very teary eyed and visibly upset. His dad and then mom came over and sat with me for about 20 minutes and we talked about life and God and she really loves me and wants to keep in touch. I tried to not say to much about the relationship, but did say how hard it has been for me and even though I've progressed forward, it's been tough coming to baseball each week. I told her that I still love him very much and this has given me a much better idea of the type of man I want to be with. She was great (she's a counselor) and said if we are meant to be together, she knows God will make it happen, and if not, there is someone out there for me. That she has been praying for both of us to find our way.

 

He left the game, and didn't say good bye (I'm not surprised, definitely not the time/place). There was a team party post game and I told everyone I would not be going (due to the late time and location, not because of him). Turns out he didn't go either. He texted me yesterday and said "How was Boston Pizza last night?". I replied that I didn't go and he seemed surprised. There's no way he didn't know. We talked back and forth 2 more texts each and then ended the convo.

 

I feel like baseball season being over, means I can finally start to move forward FOR REAL. I have made big leaps in my life, but obviously still have very strong feelings for him. Like I stated above, he is not a big partier, he doesn't flirt, he's never even dated, so he likely won't be going out and doing this all of the sudden. There's no other girls. I am holding onto hope still, but know that I can't push him or force anything.

 

As has been stated in other places on this forum, unless he comes out and says he made a mistake, I have no unrealistic expectations. I don't feel NC is for me, not at this point, but have definitely thought about it depending on how we interact over the next little while. I do feel showing my emotions was not necessarily a bad thing, it shows I am not a robot. Maybe gives him something to think about. Everyone thinks I was the best thing to ever happen to him, but I know unless he thinks that, nothing else matters.

 

Time will heal me, I 100% trust this. I have so much support from friends and family, and know that even with low contact, I will be able to move on. It's possible!