Back w/the Ex? Advice appreciated!

[sophie75]

My BF of 8 months broke up with me 3 months ago, after yet another argument about the amount of time we spend together (I'm a big-time planner; he is not AT ALL!) Throughout our relationship, I brought up the issue over and over again with him..making it very clear that his actions were making me unhappy. It was really was our only issue...but to me it was a huge deal. Looking back on it, I realize that I had become a bit clingy. I was keeping my calendar clear for him in the hopes that I would see him, and then getting angry with him when he didn't make plans to be with me. I was constantly pushing and prodding at someone who is a semi-commitmentphobe and he, of course, was pulling further and further away each time I did. And, each time he'd retreat, I'd flip out -- ranting and crying. The final straw for him was when I sent him an ultimatum email, saying that we spend more time together or we end it.

 

So, he ended it, citing my constant dissatisfaction with the relationship. He asked that we be friends, but I couldn't do that, and told him so. He was very upset by this, and argued that I was as close to him as family, and that he didn't want to lose me completely. That he loved me. But I was afraid I would never be able to look at him in a platonic light, and would only be setting myself up for future heartache. We left it at that, and he respected my request for NC.

 

6 weeks later, we see each other at a party. We kind of circle around one another with polite chit-chat but, as the evening progresses, we are talking one on one. As we are saying goodbye, he gets a little upset and emotional. He tells me how much he loves me, how I'm his best friend, how much he's missed me. I assure him that breaking up was the right thing for him to do, and that it would all work out. We leave the party together, he asks me to stay over. And I do. We don't have sex....we just sleep together. It's nice. He takes me to lunch the next morning, and calls me at work at least 8 times the following day to say hello.

 

He invites me over the following night. Another platonic evening. We hug goodbye at the door, and I go home. He calls me multiple times the next day.

 

He invites me over again the next night. We watch TV and talk. Around 1030pm I get up to leave, and he asks me to stay longer. I stay an hour longer, and then go to leave again. He asks me to stay over, promising not to make any moves on me. I agree to do so. We go to bed and start talking about happier times, good memories. A kiss on the cheek turns into a kiss on the mouth and yada, yada, yada - we have sex. We wake up in the morning and do it again. He phones me after I've left...probably 6 or so times that day/night.

 

A day later, he invites me over again. We dance in the living room, and he cooks for me. I stay over, and we just sleep together. He calls me a few times after I've left his place.

 

I don't want to get my hopes up that we are reconciling, although it certainly feels like it. I had a friend that suggested that I try very hard not to discuss the relationship with him at length...that I just chill out and see where it goes. She seems to think that if I don't put pressure on him to define things, that he'll define it on his own. It does seem that the less I say, the less I ask for, the more he gives me.

 

It's been a month or so since we first ran into one another, and there have been a lot of inconsistencies in the past week. I spent the night with him last Friday, Sunday and Monday nights..at his request. He phoned me Tuesday for a brief chat, but didn't return my call on Wednesday, nothing on Thursday or Friday, and then calls Saturday as if no time had passed. I let it go, and had a pleasant chat with him. He called me that day/night a few times, but we didn't see one another. Didn't see one another yesterday, either, although he called and we spoke for a few minutes.

 

So, I saw him three times the week prior, and didn't see him at all this week. I didn't address it because I'm trying to be chill and just see where we go...not worry so much about "defining" the relationship. I figure that maybe he saw a little too much of me that week and freaked himself out. This was prevalent in our prior relationship; we would see alot of each other, followed by a cooling-off period.

 

This morning he calls me at the office to tell me that he's feeling frisky. I laughed it off and acted coy, although in truth it made me feel like maybe I was only good for one thing in his mind. I'm a bit afraid of being nothing but a booty call. It does seem that we only have sleepovers; we haven't gone out together since our "reconciliation," except for the post-sleepover breakfast out.

 

He did make pervy calls like this to me when we were exclusively seeing one another, so they are nothing new. But, now that I'm unsure what I am to him, I'm reading into them a bit too much. And, again, I'm trying very hard not to have the "Relationship" talk, so I don't feel that I should ask him where this is going. I want him to decide what he wants, without any pressure from me to do so.

 

Feedback, anyone?

[Mun]

Hello there,

You know.. halfway through your post I started to smile. I think it was when you said he called you 8 times to your work just to say hello. I loved that!!

 

You have a very wise friend. If I was you I'd listen to him( her?). You say that the less you discuss the relationship ( ask for more time, nag, cry.. etc) the more he gives. Of course!! Who wants to be giving when its being demanded. I'm sure you wouldn't right? We give when we feel appreciated and loved... and I think that is what your boyfriend is feeling right now.

 

From what happened before in your relationship...you now know WHAT NOT TO DO...having to practically twist his arm to spend more time with you was unattractive and put you in a very negative light. You know that now

The time you were clearing up in your calendar you should have filled up with friends, family, a new hobby...anything that YOU loved to do. Your boyfriend would have been the one twisting YOUR arm to make time for HIM...and wouldn't that have been great --well now you know.

 

Don't center yourself around a man--give him breathing space...he is human too and gets overwhelmed like everyone else. Ok enough of that lecture. We learn from our mistakes...thankfully.

 

Now it doesn't sound to me like he sees you as a booty call. If he did then that would be ALL you guys are doing...but you are spending nice time together cuddling and dancing.. sounds romantic to me. If you feel that you are not comfortable having sex ( you haven't had the TALK yet) then don't sleep with him anymore. You can just say you want to go slow and he should be able to respect that.

 

Try your best to see this as a new relationship with him and avoid bringing up the past. You've made some good changes that should help you maintain this relationship on a healthy level. No sense in digging up " ugly" stuff from before.

 

Think positive and trust him.. it will bring out the best in him and in you too....you'll see.

 

By the way.. I am soooooooo happy for you ..

 

Much Love.

[sophie75]

Muneca, you are spectacular! Thank you...I feel so much better now!

 

I met the aforementioned friend thru enotalone...and yes, she is very wise (just out of town at the moment)!

[Mun]

You are spectacular !

 

Enjoy yourself and good luck.

 

Love

[rnorth]

Obviously he cares about you - as he always has. He has shown some trust in making risque calls and also by not bombarding you as well.

 

When he doesn't call, and believe me a few days is not a big deal, try and think of the time alone as a reward to do the things that you enjoy by yourself.

 

And if I might make a suggestion; play just a tiny bit harder to get. Make him pursue you still. That seemed to work some. Don't back away too much, but don't be too accessible.

 

You are doing great and please remember to be grateful for what you have. Never, ever take this for granted. My ex and I are talking civilly on a regular basis and I am eternally grateful and optimistic. Your situation is a few steps ahead and you can take that same attitude throughout. believe me, I understand the tendency to always want just a little bit more. But you are getting some great feedback from your ex.

 

Enjoy!!!

[sophie75]

This is what I have a problem with...the playing hard to get. What do I do? Do I not pick up the phone everytime he calls, not return his calls straight away, decline a few invitations? I don't want for him to think I'm losing interest, but I guess that he needs to think that perhaps I am. Ugh! I'm awful at this stuff.

[rnorth]

No, don't lose interest. But don't be available all of the time. And don't feel you have to give in every time he asks you to stay over.

 

Bottom line, do what your heart tells you to do. But remember yourself!

[Mun]

Bottom line, do what your heart tells you to do. But remember yourself!

 

Rnorth gave you some good advice there. Sometimes when he calls you will be too busy to talk to him, other times you won't be. Sometimes you will be too tired to go out and you shouldn't go.

 

Remember yourself and treat yourself well. Only go out when you feel at 100% so that you will enjoy yourself and he will enjoy your company. If you have a big day the next day then call it a night early in the evening. It's really just about not over-extending yourself and keeping some boundaries.

 

You show him how to treat you by how you treat yourself. Does that make sense?

 

Love

[sophie75]

I'm beginning to think that maybe we just had ex-sex, and that that's it.

 

We've spoken, but not seen one another, for about a week and a half now. He's made no plans to see me. Our conversations have been intiated by him, and are basically him acting frisky and pervy. It's kind of bothered me because, although he did this when we were dating, I don't know what our status is at this time.

 

I could really use feedback on something that just happened this morning:

 

He called and, straight away, said, "I've got good news for you. I think you'll be really happy. I'm going to stop all the sexual innuendo from this point on." I asked him why the change, and he said, "I don't know. I just woke up on the right side of the bed this morning, I guess. I thought you'd be happy."

 

WHAT does that mean? So, he's not going to be sexual or flirty when speaking with me....and I assume that we won't be hooking up? I'm very confused. I tried to get a more direct answer out of him as to what is going on, but he wouldn't elaborate, and I didn't want to make TOO big a deal out of it.

[sophie75]

I just reread that, and it's not that clear.

 

I'm thinking that:

 

1 - We haven't seen one another in 1.5 weeks, with no plans to do so

2 - He's stopping the phone flirting, which is pretty much all we do at this point

 

Is he trying to just be friends now? Was that what he was telling me my cutting off the flirting?

[Mun]

I think alot of men try to see where the boundaries are by carrying on this way. It's up to YOU to set the pace and to let him know --very subtly (word?) that you wont play that game.

 

Now next time he says something sexual, or says he won't go that route again I suggest you come back with something humorous. Like" Let's see how long that lasts" poke a little fun at him playfully and kind of give him the feeling that you don't care all that much(about him). It will ease the moment, and give you good footing... you won't feel so out of control about the whole thing. Try it.

 

In the meantime try to keep yourself busy so you won't be tempted to call him up and get a lowdown of the status of your relationship. He could still call and ask you out and it's best to be in a positive state of mind.

 

If he thinks he already has you in his pocket, you need to show him that you're just not too sure about him yet.

 

Love

[sophie75]

Thanks Muneca!

 

I'm booking myself up. Have plans thru to Sunday at present. He couldn't see me if he wanted to!

 

I'm just not cut out for the drama. I lost myself once, and I won't do it again. He'll be lucky to have me, but I know that I won't be happy with someone who is always keeping me guessing. I'm going to turn the tables pronto! Give him a taste of his own medicine. If he snaps out of it, great. If he doesn't, I didn't waste my time sitting around waiting for the phone to ring.

[Mun]

definitely don't wait for the phone to ring. Turn it off once in awhile It will make him crazy....

 

Have fun and let us know how things turn out.

 

Love

[sophie75]

Thanks again, Muneca! You're a star!

 

All seems to be well at present. We'll see what happens over the next week or so! Drama, drama, drama!

 

I'm going to be really busy over the next few weeks, which is ideal. Lots of things that don't involve him. With luck, he'll be begging for my time by the New Year!

[sophie75]

It's not looking good.

 

We've not seen one another in two weeks. He is in constant contact with me via phone, but that's it. I'd like to think that he's just caving and hasn't felt like going out, but that's not the case. He's going out quite often....with his buddies, with his coworkers. He tells me about it after the fact. He doesn't invite me along....even on nights when he knows that I have no plans.

 

We haven't gone out-out since our "reconciliation." We've only just hung out at his place. I would get taken to breakfast after the random sleepover, but that's the extent of it.

 

I said something about it last night. I realized that, in trying to be chill and un-needy, I was driving myself crazy by remaining silent. I phoned him and, very calmly and very nicely, stated that I had been getting my feelings hurt a bit lately. I explained to him that he declined whenever I asked that we meet up and do something and that I initially tried not to take it personally, telling myself that he just didn't feel like leaving his apartment, and that it had nothing to do with me. But that he seems to be going out quite a bit lately, and that he doesn't include me in his plans, and that it had begun to bother me.

 

He became quite mopey and soft-spoken afterwards. He told me that I shouldn't take it personally, and said that he would invite me the next time around, but it bothers me that it didn't occur to him to do so before. Shouldn't it tell me something that he doesn't wish to socialize with me every time he gets a chance? So, maybe I am just an F-Buddy. Or WAS, anyway. I won't be going to his place anytime soon.

[Mun]

I have a question. Why are you still seeing him ( sleeping over) when you are obviously unhappy with the setup? I understand that you probably got caught up in the emotions and maybe you don't want to miss out --on the sex and companionship?

 

The thing is that what men will pay attention to is your actions. If you stop coming over when he invites he is going to know that something is wrong. At that point he might ask and that is when you let him know that you feel left out of his plans. Now you know for next time if on the other hand you keep coming over even if you are upset--he has no clue that you are bothered.. you see the difference?

 

I think you are doing the right thing in limiting your time with him from now on. If he wants to be with you he will need to make plans to see you and take you out. If he fails to do so then you will know that maybe he does not want more of a relationship at this time. You kinda have to play it by ear.

 

Good luck I hope things work out the way you want.

 

Love

[Ron]

hi Sophie75...i wished i found this forum many months ago.. !!

 

I have to agree with Muneca. Muneca, love your messages.

 

You have to set the "frame" for the men to pay attention with your actions. Your guy sounds like he's looking for some comfort of having a pseudo-relationship, but also liking the independence of being single again.

 

I'm not sure abt your guy, but if you broke up earlier, there must be a reason.. and until and unless those reasons are being addressed AND "remedied" this round, the poison will still be there.

 

From what you're saying, kinda feels like he's just looking for a warm bed during the chilly days but enjoying the single-and-free-bachelor lifestyle when it suits him. I'm not against this arrangement and some couples do find it nice to stay in these interim relationships, but I think you might be considering a "get-back-together" - something which he never seemed to have explicitly (or even implicitly) expressed.

 

Since you had a relationship before, it's easy to just "continue" and enjoy the good times... there's always good times in a relationship. Maybe the question is do you want him around as a regular bf? or you're happy with the "Let's Just Enjoy Spending Some Time With Each Other" Time.

 

On the other hand, yr man seems to miss spending time with you. But your "availability" at each of his calling, will, unfortunately, make him think he can treat you that way. Men seem to be a creature of want... only when they thing they want you, they will cherish. Someone once told me it's the caveman genes hidden somewhere...

 

Totally agree on yr idea to keep busy occupying your time w/out arranging yr life around him and his timetable. If he wants to be with you, he will do the necessary to fit himself around you. And you can treat him just as you would w/ any other suitors... "yes, i'm interested, but still evaluating ... " It's also a 2-prong strategy.. who knows, maybe there might be someone out there who's attracted to this new confident you!

 

btw, you seem kind needy... hehe. i should know... been there, done that.. learnt the hard way. Like you, the more I seemed needy, the more repelled he was. just chill a little, girlfriend.

 

last thoughts, any man who is not proud to bring you and show you off to his closest friends and family, is not proud of you and never will be. If he doesn't regularly agree to go out with you socially and only wants to meet at his apartment (and yet he actually has a decent social life), you probably fit only in that bit of his life... and you have to decide if that's good enough for you.

 

Lastly, hope things work out.. apologies the paragraphs are all muddled in terms of sequence of thoughts.... late nights at the office before the holidays.. So, here's wishing you a merry Xmas...

[sophie75]

The last sleepover was two weeks ago, which is the last time we had seen one another. It only became glaringly apparent after this that I had fallen into the hookup trap. Before that, while we weren't going out, he didn't appear to be spending much time outside of his apartment, so I just thought that he felt like staying in. I realized the weekend after our last night together that he was running around with his friends quite a bit. And, when he went out solo again this past weekend, it couldn't have become more clear to me that I was being used as some sort of transitional comfort-tool.

 

Thanks for your responses. I am taking them to heart, and will not make the same mistakes again.

 

He's still phoning, but hasn't yet extended an invitation to come over to his place again. If and when he does, I will say no. Something tells me though that he's already made that decision for the both of us. I don't believe he will be inviting me over again.

[ajk]

what have your phone conversations been like these past two weeks? (or since you told him how you felt 'used')

 

would you consider not answering his phone calls? FORCE him to think about things...?

[sophie75]

I didn't tell him that I felt used. The ONLY thing I've said in the past two months that could be perceived as criticism was that he had not shown interest in going out on the town with me, but that he was going out quite a bit with his friends and not inviting me to come along. And that my feelings had been hurt by the slight. He said that it wasn't meant to hurt my feelings, that I shouldn't take it personally, and that he'd invite me out the next time. But the seed has been planted. I'm so afraid that I'm being taken for granted.

 

He was calling me every day, mulitple times a day. He's flirty, and funny, but there isn't a whole lot of substance to our conversations. Phone calls are great, but I want more than that...in a friend or in a boyfriend.

 

I guess I'll just have to wait and see....although right now I wish I'd never gone back there again.

[ajk]

he may need to have time apart still to think about things...it is normal for him to be spending time with his friends during this time, since you guys just broke up and he needs 'guy' company.

i think you should ignore any calls you get from him for a few days.

at least wait a full day before calling him back. two if you can handle it!

[sophie75]

Thanks for the input. I agree with the not talking for a few days advice.

 

The only problem is - he phones me when I'm at work, on a line that I have to answer. I never know it's him. He's phoned three times today already. He's feeling flirtatious, I guess. I've kept it light and brief, but he's getting his bit of contact nonetheless.

 

I'm just waiting for the invitation...so that I can say no. It'd be nice to turn him down once in awhile. It's hard to do, because I so love spending time with him, but I lose so much power in accepting every crumb he offers me.

 

I don't mind the boy's nights, but I would also like the occasional date. ALL of his nights have been boy's nights. I'm just the warm body in his bed and the encouraging voice on the other end of the line. I've got to regain some control. He needs to earn me. I've paid my dues when it comes to our relationship. I've worked for it, for him. He needs to do a little heavy lifting of his own. I just need the steel spine required to say no when I'm desperate to say yes.

[Ron]

It's important to realise when people take us for granted.

 

You've got special qualities, and maybe he will be the one who will realise it soon, or perhaps someone else would. but whatever happens, we should never let anyone treat us less than what we deserve.

 

I'm sure you have so much to give as a friend and as a companion, and make sure you give it to someone who truly deserves your care and love.

 

A true cliche - but time will heal all wounds... but life will leave a small mark so that we will learn and become stronger.

 

During this xmas cheers, may you find the inner peace and be strong! we're all here for you!

 

[twizod]

Your situation is somewhat similar to mine. I played this game of being available, her going out with her friends, me being the warm body and the voice on the telephone. Sleeping over twice a week for almost 9 months. Take my advice and be honest with yourself. I am not cut out to play hard to get, either I give myself or I don't give at all. In the end, I decided the only way I could play hard to get was by breaking it off. You might wanna do either NC or tell him you don't have time to talk on the phone anymore. This seems the only way to fight his fight.

[sophie75]

Thanks for the responses. Keep 'em coming. I really appreciate the different opinions....it helps to look at it from every angle.

 

As for saying goodbye; I hate burning bridges. I'm loyal to a fault, often much to my own detriment. I will try to put it out of my mind for awhile, and meet new people, do new things, etc. Maybe I'll find that I'm happier without being in a relationship with him, and problem solved.

 

I'd ideally like to have him in my life. I do love him, and know that he loves me, but he is just too ambivalent for sensitive-me. I've never been hard-to-get, so that might be the route to take. If that doesn't work, then I'll have to reexamine.