We broke up

[arwen]

My ex LDR of 4 months and I broke up yesterday. He is not able to cope with the distance, the pain of having to say goodbye after just a short period together is getting too heavy for him. I feel the same, but in general I feel so scared of ending a relationship that I rather continue unhappily than just be honest. I am too scared to hurt someone.

 

I have no words for my feelings now. I have been relieved at first and now I cry all the day. I didn't sleep or eat. I keep on having these memories coming back. My gutfeeling was right when I was there. He was not giving himself fully because he had already been too unhappy with the distance.

 

My conclusion: a LDR can work, but no matter how strong the feelings are, you have to be strong enough in personality to survive this. We are both people that need more time together, and we can't survive by the emails/msn/sms/calls.

 

I know no one can help me in this hell.

 

Thanks for all previous support...

 

Ilse.

[ayekasong]

Isle, I am so sorry to hear this. I don't really know what else to say, except that I am (and so are many others) here for you.

[arwen]

Thanks, it means a lot that there are a lot of people here who can relate to what I am going through. A LDR is not the same as a 'normal' relationship, although my heart is shattered in a million pieces all the same.

[Fif Angel]

I`m really sorry for you ilise

 

Hope that you get through this in time

[petitemarie]

i am exactly in teh same boat, my ex left me becaseu i had to go to europe on a trip and i am still here, i was only to be gone 2months; When i came here i was pregnant, i lost the baby here alone and he broke up woth me on the phone. But like you mentioned, he had already lived a long distance relationship, and just decided that he woudl not do it again under any circumstances, even though we were engaged and pregnant. Please tell me how you are dealing cuz i am a wreck over here still , alone; it has been exactly a month sicne i lost teh baby and him. it sucks that this can happen, i mean distance isnt the end of the world!!! it kills me how unjust it is that someone cant support you in doing things that may take you away but there is always a return, and i just dont understand how someone can let go when its only a lousy couple or few months, how long were you gine before this happened?

marie

[NinjaLink]

I truthfully believe long distance relationships can work. It depends on how much support and effort you are going to put into the relationship. This kind of relationship is very sensitive especially concerning trust. I believe love can spread over long distances. The enjoyment of being hanging out together or even having sex is just an asset of love. You can love someone, and the person don't have to be visually there. I'm sure you have relatives that live in other places, and you love them very much. This is very similar in this relationship although different. If you feel that this is the person you suppose to be with for the rest of your life, don't give up on it because you are never promised to love again. Talk to him on how you feel about things and listen on how he feel about things...See where this leads you. wherever this leads you is most likely the best place for you! I Hope I helped. Goodluck.

[CarterJonas]

Hey I'm sorry to hear that.

 

There are plenty of people on here who have been through a breakup and would be able to assist you on your way to getting over him. It gets better.

 

t/c

[arwen]

Oh, so many different replies...

 

NinjaLink Yes, of course LDR's are possible, I am just saying that not everyone is able to cope. I don't want to ruin anyone's belief in LDR. So to be honest, an answer like this just makes me feel worse at the moment. I feel like a faillure, and I don't know if he will change his mind. I know I will do just NC for a long while. Although already I find that so difficult. Why should I try friendship?

 

 

PetiteMarie, I have no idea myself how to handle this. I am so sorry for you. We started out as LDR, we met somewhere in Europe, and we live in different countries. We were madly madly in love. And I believe we still are. I am afraid I can't comfort you with my replies. But we can try and help each other.

 

Sorry I have no real good way to write a proper answer here. I am so completely shattered. I don't believe it. He said the same thing. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He cried. I cried. And now all these memories and all my fallen dreams. They are gone.

 

Ilse.

[OceanEyes]

This should actually help you in one way Ilse - you have good instincts about people and situations. Many people don't, so I would consider it a gift.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about that, I've been following your posts for some time now and think this must be pretty difficult for you.

 

All I can say is this: if you think that he's dealing well with everything, he's not. I can guarantee you that this wasn't an easy decision for him either, and that down the road and when things are more "set up", that he will probably want you back.

 

You're right in saying that you have to be strong in personality to make it work; you obviously are, and he isn't.

 

We're here for you if you need to vent!

[arwen]

Hi OceanEyes,

 

Thanks for your reply... you are not the first one saying this, that he might want me back in a while. It should be added that he has been under a lot of other pressure as well the past few weeks. Anyway, i am not going to have my hopes up for this.

 

The best strategy I think is to do NC for a while, any opinions? I mean if I would talk to him, it might lead to endless discussions that will drift us apart even further.

 

He has been distancing himself and hurt me already by doing so. This was already when I was there. He couldn't cope with his feelings at that moment as he explained. All he was thinking was, 'so she leaves again in a short while, when will it be the next time that we can see each other'.

 

I am leaving him alone now. I thought of emailing or just a short sms, but NO way. Usually I am strong for NC, but this was with exes that really hurt me. He hurt me but my ego isn't hurt, I guess. The thing of NC is the matter of pride, and I have no reason to act too proud to talk. We are still having strong feelings for each other, and we wouldn't have broken up if it werent for the distance and the endless periods of missing each other.

 

He sounded so confused... I am up and down. And to be honest, under a tranquilizer at the moment. Don't worry, I am used to taking them for anxiety attacks, and it's just to make me breath without crying for at least 2 hours.

 

I wish this wasn't the truth but it is. I am sorry for the ones posting here that are in similar situations. I don't know what to offer you but the fact that I can relate

 

ilse.

[arwen]

God, I feel so terrible. I didn't even know i already started to love him. This pain is excruciating. I don't even want to sleep, because when I wake up there is this one split second that I still don't realize the truth that just happened to me. And then it will fall down on me again. I don't want to leave my house because I cry all the time, I have no appetite and i am already too skinny by nature.

 

Just venting. I wish I was someone else.

 

Ilse.

[marijo2480]

Vent all you want hun! I just recently ended my LDR of almost two years. I know that LDRs can work, it just depends on the two people in them. Sounds like you guys needed this time off. Know that it's normal that you "mourn" the break up. It just happened...don't beat yourself up for it. I was hurt too, but I think mainly because I put so much time and energy in the relationship. Sometimes I tell myself "Never again Marie...don't get in another LDR..." but I know as much as I say that, one can't really control their emotions towards others. But I also do believe that we will fall a whole lot before finding that special someone. Just don't lose hope. I haven't. I'm a hopeless romantic though and are still waiting for my prince charming!

 

Take care!

 

Marie

[bat_grrl]

Ilse,

 

I am so sorry for you. I know you are terribly upset. This must hurt so much. I am sure it hurts for him to. I wish I had some magical words to say that could make it all better. Know that you can PM me anytime if you need to talk...

[zab]

Isle, i feel for you, this is a bad situation, at least you got 2 spend some time with him, in my LDR i got to see my girl 12 times which is nothing and because of this and other reasons whcih i didnt think were very good she wanted to split with me, LDR's can work i agree, i tried hard just as you did but i guess people dont see us as working hard for it they just think "we should". Im only 17 yeh but i have been through a lot but even im shocked at your story and it brings a tear to my eye as it reminds me of my own story, and im mourning even more because i split up with my girl very recently....if u ever need to chat theres lots of people on here who u can talk to as u have seen but if you want to talk directly then pm me or add me to msn if u have it on email removed can trade stories lol......also crying about this....its natural. Im a guy with a big reputation so its harder for me as i cant let people see how depressed and upset i am, i understand that u dont know which way to turn just as a lot of people dont....but there are people here for u...remember that

[tea]

*hug*

[arwen]

I just can't believe it. He was so head over heels in love with me, he had never had this feelings for anyone before. Is it just being too much then, if you like someone so strongly and it's impossible to see each other like more then 1 time in two or more months? We both had little money and serious issues in our studies/jobs. In Europe I guess as well as in America there is a big economical recess at the moment, so we're also both scared of what comes after univ. And being together for 4 months just isn't enough to really make future plans except for the trips to make.

 

thanks all of you guys... it's really good to read so many offers of support here.

 

Ilse.

[zab]

I know exactly what you mean...my girl was exactly the same, head over heels would do anything for me then she just changed and mine and your stories match quite a bit, we were both broke lol didnt get to see each other much, but to be honest i hate it that shes working because i think thats one reason she broke up with me...she had new friends etc etc and couldnt be bothered with me anymore which is a killer. And about future plans...omg after seeing her in person only 12 times in 9 months she thinks i wont be good for her future so i understand you totally because you can never know someone fully until you have lived with them for a year at least....if u wana chat, as i sed earlier im here as is every 1 else

 

Zab

[arwen]

Thanks zab, it means a lot to me...

 

I do have msn, but as this was the main communicationline between me and my ex, I will be avoiding logging in for the coming days. Even that is too painfull. But I will add you anyway... thanks.

 

I just have no clue at this moment. It's so harsh after just having spent time with him. I was just getting at the point of taking my life up here again, and I lose him. He has been so stressed out lately with everything else as well. I just wish he was here. I don't understand his decision and I do at the same time.

 

Ugh.

 

Ilse

[zab]

Its no problem at all, if u dont wanna use msn u can add me on aim if u have it add on apnastud786. yeh i no what u mean about the decision, its mind boggling, i also though that i was so much better off with her, but i guess not, and the worse thing is i always try to put the blame on myself for everything which i shud try and stop...do u do the same? Lucky for u tho...ur not 17 like me and have extra raging hormones which make it worse lol. Wel i think everybody with a problem like this should all meet up and chat about it lol...try not 2 stress, ur a beautiful woman i bet and have the potential to get any 1...i no u dnt want any 1 u want him...as i want my ex bak...but i guess all we can do is NC for a while and heal....dating straight away is a bad option i think as it will cause conflicts...o wel...add me if u have time we can chat about it l8er

 

Zab

[arwen]

Thanks, you all. This night I was actually able to sleep long, and I feel much better. The strange thing is, I don't want to feel better. Because what if he feels the same way? And he doesn't miss me? I don't want to end things with a person because of how hard it is. And now I feel 'relieved' because it has stressed me out for so long, but I am still in love with him...

 

As you can here, it's all a big confusion in my head. I am relieved because in the past it would be everyday waiting to hear something from him, or being anxious if there might be no time to talk etc. I would be reading too much into the words he texted me etc. Now I don't have that fear, that fear of losing him, because I already lost him.

 

And of course I am thinking about how he feels. I wish there was a way to know. He was so stressed when I was there, trying to please me as well as protecting himself for more pain.

 

It is the strangest thing, to break up when you both have strong feelings for each other. So strong that the distance of 1500km is too painful to deal with. I wish he would have talked earlier, so that we could have found a solution. I wish I was born in his country. He said that if I was there or he was here, we would be together. Before I went there he expressed so often that he just wanted to be close to me. It's too hard to be apart for the biggest part of the relationship...

 

Well, I am just venting here, actually I can't cry today, it seems my tears are finished, and I feel so completely empty. As if I have been living in a dream the past months and just woke up in my own reality.

 

I have a question for those who are still in LDR. Have you ever been in a breakup, or on the verge of a breakup, and managed to get back together?

 

I am not even sure if I am able to cope with the distance myself, but if there would be a chance to just resolve matters, I am sure i would give it another go.

 

Ilse.

[what24]

the same this happened to me 3 years ago, i was in LDR, 3.5 yrs ago, he lived in states and me in canada,, we were happy but after 6 months of relationship he decided to end it, he just gave every single possible excuses that he could come up with and broke up with me. He was always the quiet type, so even before i could ask for an explanation or talk about the situation, he made me promise not to contact him. I loved him and so i did what he had asked me to do. I was so miserable, i cried i cried and just wondered what i had done wrong or what went wrong in the relationship, after 2 years of being miserable, i accepted the fact that he's really gone and never coming back. At the time, i met a guy , me and him we became really really good friends, and he really liked me. I practically turned him down 3 times, and then the very last time he asked me out, i just thought why not give it a chance. I just made myself move on cuz i didn'tn want to be miserable anymore and i knew that he could make me happy. this october was our 1 yr, and i met his family over the summer and he just met my family 2 wks ago, every this was going perfect. I do have to admit though, my ex did come to my mind a lot I always wondered how he is , and what he is doing since he cutoff every single connection, i didn't have any way to contact him. Last week i got a surprise. I was sleeping since i had work the next morning, i got a txt msg int he middle of the night 3 inthe morning from my my , and she said she was talkign to my ex online. My ex didn't know my best friend, and he was talkin to her and for a while he thought she was me. Anyway, when i got the txt msg , i was in such a shock , i just ran to my computer logged on to msn. I started talking to him. He apologized and he wanted to sign off. I stopped him from logging off, and we started talking. He apologized for everything and he asked me for a second chance. He told me that he had thought about me too but he was too embaressed to contact me. ANyway, finally i told him that i am with someone. He said he was happy for me. we talked till 8 in the morning and then he had to go. ANyway, i tried calling him the next day spoke to him for 2 mins and he told me he'll call me later that night. He never called and i waited for him to call me. The next day after that i called him again, and he had a thanksgiving famiy gathering going on that day and he just didn't pick up any of my calls. Anway, that night i saw him online and i asked him, if he was avoiding me. And he said since i am with someone we shoudn't talk cuz that' cheating. i told him that i only want to talk to him and that's all. Since that day he never came online, or called me and i never called him either.

I love the person i am with now and i think i also love my ex.

 

My question is why did he come back after 3 years. I am really sad that i had to say no to him. He told me that if we keep on talking we are gonna have more feelings for eachother. As i said before he is always quiet. I told my bf everything cuz he knew something was wrong. I don't know what to do. I did for a long time wished that he came back to me but i also gave up a year ago. I know that we never had a real closure. I wonder if that's the reason he came back.

 

ANyway, i hope i made sense....pls feel free to comment on my situation

[arwen]

Sorry, I didn't completely understand what happened and next to that at this moment I feel fairly incapable of giving answers to anyone. My attempt:

 

I understand you are confused, but I wouldn't keep my hopes up for your ex. If it was after a couple of months, it would be understandable, but after 3 years and a no-closure breakup, I would just try to figure out why he broke up with you and made 'all possible excuses' and leave it like that. You seem to be happy with the one you are with.

 

I think you might get more responses to that if you post your story in a new topic?

 

 

 

Ilse.

[arwen]

As for me... I am going crazy about my own mood. I don't feel anything today, although yesterday I cried my eyes out. Today I am just empty. I am always strong in no contact, but that was much easier since my other exes really hurt my feelings.

 

I hope I won't be up and down all the time. Tomorrow I will have to work again, and this weekend I spend with my parents. I just don't understand. Was it that saying goodbye again and again is too much for him? Is a LDR together with the new jobs and study too much pressure? I don't want to feel this, I used to feel so adored and loved by him, and now we both hurt on long distance.

 

Well, just rambling venting and trying to feel something. This empty feeling is even worse than the pain. It is a strange feeling that I have never had in a break up. Usually I cry a long time and get better. Now I don't even know how to begin to process this.

 

Ilse.

[petitemarie]

this guy is a jerk, i can tell from here. he was using you to see if could have youback, to see if he could control you after he put you through all that. i hate to be so blunt, but truly i find it horrid that he gave you an idea that he would be in contact and then left you hanging again. I know what that feels like, and i am startign tot hink it is really a kind of game that some guys play, that this guy, not unlike my ex, just wanted to see if he could still affect you. You are right to have said you are w/ someone new. But i bet that if you werent , your ex woudl stil have left youhanging for another reason; you have to be strong and not let old feeling come back,he made his bed and now he has to lay in it. he doesnt deserve you, really! he should have been more mature about your breakup and told you all of the reasons why and if he was goin gto contact again he should do it in a way that is more mature at well, which is not to leave your heart messed up again. i am sorry, i know i am a little bold on this right now, but i really was right where you are and i realize how I let myself get walked on again after accepting a breaku with no reason. life gave you your new boyftriend for a reason, even it if is just to let you get through what the old one is tryign to do to you now, but be strong and dont let the old one play games making you wait for him and hurting in themeantime.

[Shieldfan]

I wanna say i´m sorry too Ilse U helped me out alot here, so my thoughts are with you. I´m thinking of ending my so called "relationship" i´ve been talking about too. I wrote about it in my topic, if u have time to read it. Take care girl, God bless