Self-blame after being dumped. How to cope with it?

[kwt]

My first boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago. We were together for 8 months, I thought things were great. We only fought a bit 1 month before the break-up, and it seemed to be we were normal afterwards. Two weeks before the break up, he started getting distant, he cancelled a date which I thought it was just stress from his job-hunting. But he never asked me out again and only texted me when I texted him and avoided any texts that is related to "us". I finally called him up and he broke up with me saying "We are comfortable with each other but it doesn't mean this is going anywhere" I asked if he figured that out two weeks ago, he said he has been thinking for a few weeks, he originally planned to just let it fade out. and he also said I was obsessed with the relationship.

 

He said I was obsessed, but we only saw each other 2-3 times a week and I never asked for more. I never bombed his phone, just texted him once to twice a day. I never stopped him from seeing his friends or going out drinking. I can' stop looking back at the relationship and look for the things that I may have done which triggered him to consider breaking up with me.

 

For example 1 month ago, I brought up his phone playing problem when he has said he didn't want to talk about our problems. He never wanted to talk about our problems, usually he ignored the text for a day or changed the subject. But that time it really bothered me and I was really upset. I told him "i feel like my effort is not being appreciated when I come all the way like an hour to see you and you play with his phone while we hang out." He got mad since I brought it up when he has said he didnt want to "talk" and had ruin his night, and he said he can do whatever he wants and I should not date. But things seemed to get back to normal quickly afterwards, like he initiated most of the texting and asked me out a few times in the following two weeks.

 

During the later part of our relationship, we sometimes disagree with each other, but only during texting and it only limited to a few replies, most of the time I started them: I would react when he said something that bothered me or sent me drunk texts that's sorta like a booty call, he would call me a drama queen, or asked me to relax since he probably thinks it's no big deal. Sometimes he said something that would make me feel like I am not a perfect girlfriend because I didnt have time to hang out with him that day, or called me an alcoholic when he obviously drank much more, I would panic and fight back, and he called me a drama queen and said i shd relax. And in the later part of our relationship, I started feeling he didn't care about me as much, like taking me for granted. Now I can't stop thinking maybe he did and it's just he suck at expressing his feelings and tell him "I feel like my effort is not appreciated" may have ruined the whole thing.

 

I started feeling like because maybe I was too controlling and crazy or being a drama queen at times that triggered him to break up with me, and I can't stop the self-blame. He's my first boyfriend, and this is the first break-up. I feel like I am stuck at this stage and can't move on. How to cope with it?

[charity]

from hearing it from your perspective it is clear that he was not without blame. he didn't communicate well and seemed he could be quite rude at times. these are things that confused and upset you. from his perspective you did things that he didn't like- drama or being obsessive as he said. its likely that both of you have to accept some blame in this AND THATS OK.

its your first relationship. you will have a few. and there will be MORE mistakes. i think its better to come out of a relationship thinking about what you did wrong so that you don't do that in the next relationship. try to accept the break up, think about anything you regret doing and WHY and try your best to move on.

[kwt]

from hearing it from your perspective it is clear that he was not without blame. he didn't communicate well and seemed he could be quite rude at times. these are things that confused and upset you. from his perspective you did things that he didn't like- drama or being obsessive as he said. its likely that both of you have to accept some blame in this AND THATS OK.

its your first relationship. you will have a few. and there will be MORE mistakes. i think its better to come out of a relationship thinking about what you did wrong so that you don't do that in the next relationship. try to accept the break up, think about anything you regret doing and WHY and try your best to move on.

 

Actually now I look back, I know I can get stressed really easily by what people say, especially if they are my parents or my boyfriend, because I want to be perfect in their eyes, but in the end make it worse. But this doesn't really happen with my friends. when my boyfriend texted me something like "you alcoholic" "loser" (no lol, or haha) or when I can't hang out with him sometimes during weekend because I need to be with my parents he said "Why do I date you" "I need two gf". He prob didn't mean it, but at that moment it made me feel like I am the bad person so I talked back or explained more or dragged on the situation, and of course made it worse since he would be saying "drama queen" or "you need to relax". It only limited to texts, not on phone or when face to face. And I know I read into things too much, which prob lead me to easily get stressed at what people say.

He likes being sarcastic too, it's actually funny except when texting becoz it's hard to tell his emotion when saying those stuff, to me it sounds harsh and of coz I freak out again. And I easily get my expectations high esp if I have put effort into something.

 

I know I need to work on these. He prob doesn't find me fun since I get stressed very easily. I care about what people think of me, esp those I want to impress. I guess if I loosen up more, I will be happier and less stressed.

 

And I know I really loved and cared about him. in terms of obsession, I never nagged him saying we should meet up more or why he didn't reply my text, or looked into his phone or bombed his phone with constant calling and texting. But I do realize I put a lot of time and effort in the relationship. Like I am always there when he wants me to,even there's big exams coming up, unless I really can't because of family. I went to places I didn't really like but since he wanted to I went with him. I often brought him things or food that I know he likes. When he asked for my opinion on his issues, I really thought it through before telling him and ended up sending him a long text and he def got freaked out by it. I really cared about his problems, like finding a new apartment before getting kicked out, and sometimes I feel like I cared about them more than him. I guess that's his meaning of "obsessed with the relationship". now, I am even obsessed with looking back at this relationship.

 

Actually when we were together, I sometimes can't see myself marrying him tho I loved him. So I guess this is a very good opportunity to reflect on my personalities and also learn about relationships and communication, and be a better person.

[SooSad33]

He sounds a bit selfish and insulting. he doesn't seem like he is appreciating you at all- respectfully. Is this comforting to you for a relationship?

You know what? Don't even begin to think YOU were a 'cause' for the break up. He's got issues too.

Never 'blame yourself', always takes two.

You can and will move on. But, for a while, sit back and don't rush into something else right now. Work on getting over him and your BU, then maybe in cpl of months, start thinking or looking again to date.

Take care of YOU for now.

[SooSad33]

They have to accept you for who you are, there shld be no need to try and 'impress' anyone. You are you- take it or leave it.

[kwt]

He sounds a bit selfish and insulting. he doesn't seem like he is appreciating you at all- respectfully. Is this comforting to you for a relationship?

You know what? Don't even begin to think YOU were a 'cause' for the break up. He's got issues too.

Never 'blame yourself', always takes two.

You can and will move on. But, for a while, sit back and don't rush into something else right now. Work on getting over him and your BU, then maybe in cpl of months, start thinking or looking again to date.

Take care of YOU for now.

 

I read about 5 stages of grief before, and this is the first time in my life that I experienced it

After the break-up, I realized how much I forgot about working on myself. So I start working out, treat myself with nicer and healthier food, spend more time with my friends and parents. At first I thought I am doing better, since I realized there are actually many people that love me and care about me more than he did. (He didnt even care enough to properly break up with me in the first place, until I called him to more or less ask him what's up) But somehow I now got stuck in this self-blame phase.

I guess there will be a lot more challenges ahead of me, so I need to stay strong!!!