All the women want him... but I think he wants me!

[Allyo]

I have been hanging out with a group of mutual friends at and after work. I work at a Research Institute so it is actually a mix of graduate students and other research assistants around my age - but you can imagine the environment... pretty relaxed/laid back most of the time.

 

It also just so happens that we are mostly a female group. Yet there is one guy who has always had the attention of the other woman in the department. He isn't the most handsome guy, but he has a really sweet and funny personality so it is pretty easy to fall in love with him. The fact that most of the women in the department swoon over him has always been a turn-off for me - the idea of "competing" for another's man's attention is just so annoying to me.

 

But... the most ironic thing is that it seems he has turned his attention turned on ME. In the last few group outings I felt like he kind of singled me out, asked me a lot of questions, more so than anyone else. He has always been a complete gentleman towards me. Since then he has asked me to go out a couple of times - just us... and I actually had a lot of fun! No kissing just yet, but on the last "date" he asked to hug me and we cuddled a little bit.

 

The problem is that I mentioned this scenario to one of my best female friends at work... and instead of supporting me it seemed like she got really jealous and negative! She said "Oh, he is like that with everyone, don't worry. I doubt he wants anything serious with you or wants to have a girlfriend right now." I don't even know how she would know this!

 

Another female acquaintance at work also found out that I had gone out with him, even though I never told her. I have no idea how she found out! And she was also mildly disapproving/asking way too many questions...

 

Today he asked me to go out hiking again, just the two of us... but I am feeling slightly concerned... I think all the women in my department might start to hate me!!! I don't know what to do I guess I liked him, but it just seems like all the women in the department are so territorial... Is going out with this guy even worth the trouble?

[happpybear]

part of me says go for it, just cause he may end up being the love of your life right,

 

but then, it is already super negative at work, people are finding out stuff about you two going out, which means there is gossip brewing and the other woman are likely aware of the possibility of an attraction developing and due to their (possible) jealousy, will find ways to get info about the two of you. creepy. I can see this being very very bad. Woman can be pretty awful to one another, especially when their is a prized man up for grabs. This is your work place, maybe best to date outside of it instead. otherwise these crazy woman might ostracize you or make work life miserable if you claim the prize and the don't.

 

I recommend not talking about this guy with them again. it just feeds gossip, and if they are into him, they are hyper aware of him, you know? and now they know that you guys are hanging out, theu will be hyper aware of you and your interactions with him...

[HeartGoesOn]

This is one of the reasons that dating in the workplace is frowned upon. That, and an entire boatload of problems.

[sadchick83]

Allyo,

 

Ok I have worked in bank branches where there are 12-15 employees and only one or two are male, and usually one is married--so out of the game. There is some kind of freaky competitive thing that happens in these scenarios. A guy who most would consider unattractive, average at best, becomes the object of desire for these office women. One situation in particular in which a woman let the guy live in her rental property free of charge, and was psycho jealous of anyone who got close to him. People brought him lunch, got him coffee like he was a friggin' Faberge egg. He was short and dumpy, and even I (embarrassed to admit) started to find him attractive because he was the only guy around!

 

Its all about supply and demand here.

 

Congrats for being the one he picked. I hope you two enjoy each other. DO NOT talk about your relationship with anyone else in the office. Also, if you do get attached, before you get in too deep consider if he is worth it given you will have to deal with him daily if you break-up.

[Thorshammer]

Some people are like that, they will stab you in the back when they get the chance. Luckily, its not common for them to do that to their guy friends because their is no envy or jealousy with the opposite sex. Ignore your friends - and go chill with the guy. The only person treating you nice is him, not them - so their opinions dont matter.

[Allyo]

Thank you everyone for the advice! Reading all of this actually made me feel a little better - I don't have many people I can talk to about it, definitely not the girls at work now

 

I agree that workplace dating is full of problems.... but at the same time - it is where I spend the majority of my time. At least we don't work together directly but we do go out for coffee breaks and lunch (often as a group).

 

It is so true... when a group of women decides to compete for a man it becomes less about the guy and more about winning. A couple of woman at work actually stopped talking to each other OVER THIS GUY! Yet apparently this guy didn't want to date either of them - I just don't get it!

 

But really he is actually nicer to me than my work "friends". Even so I guess deep down I have a fear that if things went sour with this guy then I would just be isolated from everyone at work - including him!

 

So tough to decide!!

[Batya33]

I met my husband through work and if you date discreetly and you don't supervise him or vice versa then I think you should go for it and definitely be quiet about it at work.

[Throwaway999]

I have always had a strict "don't crap where you eat" policy and have never dated anybody I worked with. I started at a new job recently that has a "we're all a big happy family" vibe and there have been LOTS of people who met and married at the company. It is kinda weird. Two of the higher-up managers are husband and wife and met at the company. They supervise different divisions! Even though it seems to be accepted here, I'm not changing my personal policy. What if it doesn't work out? I've had too many previous relationships end all ugly-like to deal with that stuff at work, too.

[Thorshammer]

Yes, because they become insecure with the rejection, but in this case- everyone knows it. So whoever gets him, is basically carrying the title of being the better looking/attractive women.