A little gratitude

[bwhite00]

Hey guys, I joined this site in 2010 when dealing with the loss of my first love.

 

Due to the emotional support and advice I received here, I was able to get my girlfriend back after months of hard work (i.e. keeping my distance). Unfortunately, a year later the relationship dissolved due to lack of effort on both of our parts.

 

Fast forward to 2011, I meet the girl of my dreams, we date for about 5 months and she ended things due to probably a lot of mistakes on my part. I was heart-broken and turned to drugs as a consolation. She told me not to contact her again, so I didn't for a year. The drug abuse got me put in jail for 5 months (I was on probation at the time/ drug court)... Thank God that since that time I have been clean (13 months).

 

In December of 2012, she shoots me an e-mail, one thing leads to another and we're dating again and over the past 8 months it's developed into a beautiful semi-long distance relationship with talks of marriage in the future.

 

All was well until about a a month ago (communication had become less); her Grandmother passed away a couple of weeks ago and while she had been prepared for it, it took an understandable toll on her. I spent the day/night with her that night. The next morning she acted completely withdrawn and distant.

 

That was two weeks ago, she told me a few days after her Grandma passed that she needed a 'break'... I interpreted that as a break-up. She said she didn't know and I told her that's her choice, I'll just have to deal with whatever she chooses to do, but if we split up twice, I cannot handle a 3rd time.

 

I had gone through a horrible depression after our first break-up well over a year ago, so this time I saw a doctor to get on Anti-Depressants and I told her about it (no reply). I took them for 3 days and abruptly quit due to the side effects (intolerable). She since told me she loves me and misses me, etc. We had planned to spend this Saturday together.

 

Well, communication is still nearly non-existent between us (me texting 3-4 times a day, calling once... generally no response). I hate being ignored, it drives me insane (doesn't it all of us?). Technically we're still together.

 

Needless to say after quitting the Paxil abruptly, it exacerbated my anxiety and caused mood swings yesterday. I had a bad day. I told her that we only saw each other 2x in the month of July. She apologized.

 

I then texted her about 6 times or so giving my perspective: We need open, honest communication. If she is going to break up with me, do it, don't say you're going to think about it and let it linger because it's mentally agonizing, I told her I didn't appreciate her considering leaving me on a whim, that I'd never do it to her and I also almost made a gigantic mistake on getting stuck on Paxil to deal with it. I told her I loved her and want to work things out.

 

She did the worst thing possible : completely ignored my texts (no response). I called. No answer.

 

I texted her before bed told her the Paxil withdrawal had caused pretty bad mood swings (I feel better today) and I am at a loss of what to do. I planned on marrying her and now she's suddenly disconnecting from me after 8 months of a pretty great relationship.

 

I'm leaning towards saying nothing and generally minding my own business (hard to do). I came here in 2010 and I had a lot of help with my problems then. I owe a great deal of gratitude to this site and its members.

 

I have 13 months clean today and that has to come first before everything.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

edit : It would be better for me if she just broke up with me (hopefully with a legitimate reason) because the agony of not knowing is worse than dealing with the truth. Typically I would initiate a break-up with someone for acting this way when I'm so emotionally wracked but I love her so much it's hard to accept any negative outcome in this.

[Snow Bird]

Congrats on your clean 13 months.

 

Yeah, she needs to tell you yes or no about the breakup. The wait is almost as painful as the breakup would be. I hope you guys work things out. If not, hopefully you'll heal and move on.

[mhowe]

So many issues:

 

Anti depressants. Don't think you can just go off them. And on them. They are not meant to be M&M's.

Grief --- she is dealing with it. Doesn't matter everyone knew gramma would die. Give her space.

Ultimatums never work --- she asked for a break. Time away. Not break up ---- you turned it into a break up....and then ignored it.

 

Texting multiple times. She asked for some space --- you text and call. Get no response --- so do it more.

Completely counter intuitive.

New texting rules. One and done. If someone doesn't reply....don't text or call again.

 

Biggest issue: you staying clean. Go talk to your dr again --- and listen to him if you need a different anti-depressant.

 

Give it all some space and breathe. You won't resolve this over texts or phone calls. It will be ok.

[bwhite00]

Good advice. Thanks.

 

As far as the anti-depressants, I'm off of SSRI's for good; I figured after 3 days, it was now or never for getting off of them. The long-term effects aren't worth the temporary dulling of the pain. I only got on them because of the couple severe depressive episodes I've had, they were precipitated by an unexpected break-up and perpetuated by drug-abuse.

 

I'm a lot more mentally sound than I've ever been and while I love my girlfriend and want to be with her, it's not worth sacrificing my mental well-being over. I would rather be single.

 

I'm not texting, calling, or e-mailing again. She can contact me. We had plans to spend Saturday together but I'll consider that on hold until further notice.

 

I was heart-broken by her once before... I hate to go through it again, but I'm in a lot better place today.

 

What complicates matters is she's a poor college student and I convinced her to buy a car (my family has a dealership) and I told her I would help her and I have basically been making the payment (it's not much). She told me she didn't like being dependent on me and I made it clear that even if she breaks up with me I'm going to continue to help her with her payment so that shouldn't be a determining factor in this at all. I told her I'd help her when she got it and I will continue to help her if we break-up.

 

I know I texted and called after she asked for space, mhowe, but I had to speak my mind on what is acceptable in a relationship and what is not.

 

I'm just going to leave it alone and accept that fact that I don't know what is going on or how this will end.

[mhowe]

Good --- glad you are feeling better.

[bwhite00]

She actually texted me telling me she loves me, is proud of my clean time, and is sorry for being so distant. I don't know what's going on, I just told her I loved her too and I'm going to take your advice and just give her space. This relationship means more to me than my ego (which has ruined some in the past).

[mhowe]

Grief is a very personal thing. Giving her space is the best thing for both of you. She knows how to find you.

[bwhite00]

Everything is not okay guys. After a few days of texting me she loves and misses me, I made plans to see her yesterday. She texts me "we need to talk".

 

I call her and she says she's made her decision , we shouldn't be together anymore.

 

Caught completely off guard I ask her why. She says that we deal with stress differently... and I told her that didn't make any sense. I asked her what she was doing.... silence.

 

Finally, I asked if there's another guy involved. She reluctantly confides to me that there is another guy who is more 'emotional compatible' with her, I ask if she's slept with him. She said they've just hugged and held hands. I told her I'm never fkn talking to her again and hang up. I end up calling back and apologizing for losing my temper.

 

Anyways, I visit her (she lives 2 hrs away) and we talk ... she says she feels like I never want to address problems (which is probably true) and I always want to redirect the conversations (true too). We laid in bed and I spoke my mind for at least an hour she just listened, I told her all BS aside, I will do anything to not lose her. We told each other we love each other, we had make-up sex and I left this morning.

 

She never apologized. When asked if she'd be happier with this other guy or me, she said I don't know.

 

I need help on what to do next guys. I'm thinking no contact... but with what intention? To work things out or to distance myself forever...I've made it clear she's broken my trust twice and that without trust a relationship is meaningless to me.

 

I think probably cutting ties is a good idea. I told her I would help her with her car payment anyways but with another guy involved... I don't know.

 

This completely wrecked me, but I kept my temper and emotions in check. I love this forum, everyone here has helped me so much.

 

Peace and love.

[bwhite00]

i feel like begging and pleading so i come here. i love her so much and she broke my heart again. i have gone through so much to get her back and keep her happy and she decides to split with no warning and really a weak reason.

 

i told her we're both attractive people, there's going to be temptation but i just want to be with her. i am a mess here, i want her back with all of my heart but the trust issues are so deep at this point that's i'm just totally at a loss for what to do.

[bwhite00]

we had such a beautiful night together after she broke up with me it's hard to accept that her feelings dont remain

[mhowe]

Her feelings are "remnant" feelings --- and very often, there is confusion after a break up.

 

However, you have stated several times that you cannot trust her and there in lies the answer to your question. It is over.

[bwhite00]

Thanks man. I needed to hear that.

 

I just can't accept someone hijacked my relationship after the death of her Grandmother and she fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I let her know I planned on marrying her quite extensively last night. I didn't lose my temper, beg, plead, or even ask for her to change her mind or for any kind of decision...

 

and I don't ever really act like that, but I truly love her with all of my heart you know and so I'm willing to put my ego aside and deal with any issues. I told her that. I'm just not going to contact her but I don't know what to do if she contacts me.

[mhowe]

She will contact you because she is confused. So you should prepare for that.

 

However, it will take a lot to rebuild your trust --- or it might not be possible.

[bwhite00]

I know man. I e-mailed her and texted her a couple of times thanking her for seeing me face to face. I got to speak my mind, it helps a lot. I asked her to please consider reconciling our differences, our relationship means far too much to me to just give up, but if that's not a possibility with her, then to tell me so I can heal and move on. I'll always love her, it's a bad situation. I've been in love with her for 2 years straight, we've been through a lot and the thought of NOT marrying has never even been a possibility to me.

 

She didn't cheat on me, but she acts like she was about to. This came out of nowhere, we have a great sex life (past month has not been that way she's checked out emotionally due to Grandmother's death/depression). I gave her the opportunity to fix this if she so desires... if not, I am moving on. I told her where I stand and that I'll always love her (truth). No reason to torture myself if she doesn't feel the same way.

 

My meeting up with her yesterday just confused the @#$*( out of me honestly. She seriously still loves me she just needs to get her #($*@ together.

 

When she told me she made her decision and decided not to continue our relationship, all I could literally say was WHAT Are you doing... Do you have ANY idea what you are doing.

[bwhite00]

I will literally do anything to marry this woman. I didn't contact her for a year straight before we started dating this time again (8 months)... I was fully prepared at that time to never see or talk to her again (her choice, she was in a rebound relationship). I tried to explain that this man, who has wedged himself between us, will be utterly loathed down the road for breaking us up. It's a long term/distance relationship which can leave someone vulnerable when grief strikes. I wasn't there, he was and he took advantage of the situation and drove us apart. I put equal blame on her too. She has ONE chance left to fix this.

 

 

I have given this my literal all and at least I am satisfied knowing that I did what I could and this is truly a "her" thing.

 

The only thing I can do now is wait for her reply to my texts/e-mail and after that, improve my life steadily and concentrate on staying clean and healthy.

 

She's likely to say something like she doesn't know... or something evasive and I'm not putting up with that @(#*@# it's a yes or no question and the answer is final this time.

[bwhite00]

ok i'm keeping daily updates here to help me, if anyone wants to chime in feel free but this is for me.

 

I started wellbutrin the day we broke up and it's really starting to help the depression and the side effects are negligible. Anyways

 

It made me have a manic episode sunday morning I decided she's disloyal with another guy which makes me see red. i convinced myself she cheated. so i texted her and tongue lashed her hard-core for disloyalty and called her a cheater and a liar. she couldn't justify the lying but she got real defensive about the cheating part, i told her that she knows me better than to let any dude even TOUCH her and that constitutes cheating in my book.

 

It was pretty bad. I did this as a way to show that my self-respect is worth more than any female.

 

anyways she texts back apologizing blah blah blah i continued to be exceptionally cruel. ended up apologizing and kinda talking via text, i told her the meds were making me nothing but angry and she knows i have a bad temper anyways after a break up (we've done this before).

 

so i've been considering whether or not i want to take her back if that comes up. i'm basically accepting it's over but it's difficult when a woman you planned on marrying for 2 years systematically says she loves you and will for life. that's hard to accept, you know.

 

so i'm thinking NC for now is the SAFE thing for me to and hopefully time will either clear up what i want to do, or allow her enough space to miss me and realize this is worth saving (or not, as it goes...)

 

I have my sobriety in check and that's all that matters. 13+ Months

[bwhite00]

the fundamental problem here is she lives two hours away and i couldn't move to be with her for another 6 months. it's a big obstacle to overcome but ive made the drive almost every weekend for 2 years and if you love someone, you wait for them and are patient.

[bwhite00]

What's up homies! Necro thread bump.

 

Number 1) after three years, I am 100% over this disloyal "love of my life".

 

Fell in love again 9-26-2015; relationship was wonderful, I got strung out on hard-core drugs, after hiding it, and leaving HER -- she found out, so a week after leaving her (insane daily arguing, non-existent sex life)... I wanted her back madly!

 

The drug issue came to light followed with a Get the f out!

 

I spiralled into heroin/coke addiction for two months post-BU, ended up getting on some miracle medications (Bupropion with Lamictal, a literal life-saver).

 

I begged this chick to BE NICE TO ME, SHOW MERCY; bear in mind y'all, it had nothing to do with getting her back, though I was and am Still in love.

 

So fast forward 3.5 months post-bu to the present, I have two months 100% clean, my depression is GONE, I have put on 20 pounds, got a job with a world class chef I LOVE, have learned to cook amazingly well from ground 0, work out 5x a week, attend two Churches.

 

This is the best I have ever felt. I had a suicidal drug induced Bi-polar melt down after she kicked me out. I was losing my Soul.

 

Today is day 6 *NO CONTACT*

 

GUYS, I begged her for KINDNESS. I begged her for MERCY. I prayed for her safety every day and told her that. She showed NO MERCY.

 

Fellas, I have been here since 2010; look at this thread. I was DEPRESSED FOR YEARS.

 

Today I can honestly say I am 100% over the woman I started this thread over and 95% over my heart-less recent EX.

 

OH and the IRONY is that the first ex, after a year and a half, finally admitted "Brett, I still am in love with you."

 

I knew it! You know what she then did?

Got engaged a week later. Married a year later essentially on my BDAY.

 

Do you know what I did?

 

laughed. Hey good luck, sweet-heart.

 

Keep your dignity fellas. Ignore the UNFAITHFUL. I'D RATHER BE ALONE THAN WITH A BEAUTIFUL BACK-STABBING, LYING, VAIN, MERCILESS CHICK I USED TO LOVE.

 

KEEP THE FAITH!

 

It is highly recommended to PRAY DAILY, LOVE YOURSELF, ASK GOD TO REPLACE THE PAIN OF LOSING LOVE WITH THE ETERNALLY BRILLIANT AND HEALING LIGHT OF GOD ABOVE.

 

I am celibate now, and totally cool with that fact. Rebounds are a NO-NO, I am willing and prepared to take a 1-year Sabbatical from relationships. To truly heal and move on. And understand this friends: when your ex rebounds after a few weeks, months, whatever...

 

They're projecting their old feelings on a new face. The relevance is, one day they may realize that and sorely miss you. And further, you cannot make a mistake if you say NOTHING!

 

Sometimes they come back randomly, sometimes never. Prepare and accept NEVER. AND take my advice, when a chick treats you like dirt while you're in obvious heart-break, it is someone you don't NEED and shouldn't WANT , ever! Trends repeat themselves.

 

Look at my situation, a cataclysmic break-up, followed by EXTREME self-destruction (I also got hit by a semi truck a week post-break up; she didnt even ask "are you ok?!?!?").

 

Look, this chick flat-out told me I was obsessed because I refused to throw in the towel. I gave her 3 months. I never gave up! What I realize now is, once you show your level of commitment despite the pain it takes to cling to hope in a hopeless situation, and they STILL won't give you the time of day.

 

At that point, man up and bow out; permanently. Because their stunning lack of fidelity WILL never be forgotten. Trust me folks!

 

'A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." Proverbs 15:1

 

Solomon also says that even a fool seems wise while holding his tongue in the face of hard-ship. So do it!