abysmal Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Well, met an older woman in her thirties who has her life together, except she's been abused and divorced twice. She has a seven year old daughter whom she speaks very highly of and for whom I would be willing to accept the challenges and responsibilities of assuming the role of a male caregiver. She actually gave me my first kiss and this woman and I have had such a great time. Problem is I got carried away too soon. We've talked on the phone several times and seen each other a few times. She would say such wonderful things about how thoughtful, compassionate, mature-minded and intelligent her daughter is at such a young age. I was intrigued and inspired by what she had to say, and the night after out last get together, which was last Friday, I sent her a message letting her know that when the time was right, I wanted to meet her daughter and get to know her. She has told me before that she was very cautious about matters such as this with her daughter because men have come in and out of her life and she doesn't want her to hurt again. I understand but I wanted her to know that I took it seriously but that I am (was) ready when the time came. Since then she hasn't returned my calls or my messages and I've retracted, telling her that I didn't want to upset her and that I realize it was abrupt. She replied once yesterday saying that she was not upset, but that she was busy with her dad visiting over the weekend. I sense that this is an excuse or a lie. She will not answer my pleas to speak with her about this. I do not know how to mend this situation and I desperately need guidance and advice. Link to comment
kitkat620 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 I would leave her be and let her contact you when she is ready. It could very well be that she was/is busy with her father and has nothing to do with what you said. Let her sort it out and come to you. Link to comment
abysmal Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Well, she may be telling the truth. But here's where I'm doubtful: I don't understand how a simple, "we'll talk about this later," would be too much of a hassle. I just don't understand. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Give her time. Maybe its true the Dad is visiting? Also, maybe she doesn't know how to handle this yet, given the history that you have told us. Give her about a week. After that try to reach out and find out if there is future or not. Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 You say she is cautious. And yet after only a few dates you say you want to meet her daughter when appropriate. The comment itself was inappropriate for the amount of time you have known the woman. If and when you meet the daughter, it is up to her to decide. Huge reg flag for her --- lack of boundaries for you. Link to comment
potd2009 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 You say she is cautious. And yet after only a few dates you say you want to meet her daughter when appropriate. The comment itself was inappropriate for the amount of time you have known the woman. If and when you meet the daughter, it is up to her to decide. Huge reg flag for her --- lack of boundaries for you. While this isn't wrong, what jumped out at me is that the OP is in his early 20s ... since his first kiss was this woman and they've been out only a few times, I'm guessing it was pretty recent. I'm also assuming that if he has not kissed before, he has not been in a relationship before. She, on the other hand, is older, in her 30s, and a parent with a much more substantial relationship history. On these facts, I'd expect the older woman to cut the younger man some slack for a mildly boundary-crossing comment, particularly when it seems to have come from such a well-intentioned place AND he apologized and backed off the moment he realized he crossed a line. If she wants to serve as the first relationship of someone so much younger and less experienced, then she needs to be in a place where she can help him navigate some of these hurdles. Even more true because this relationship has a bonus challenge: her kid. Of course, it's possible that this exchange has made her realize that she doesn't want to serve as his first relationship, so she's avoiding him. Or she could genuinely be busy with family visiting. No way to know without giving her a couple more days to respond. OP, for what it's worth, you may inadvertently have crossed a line but I don't feel you committed a major transgression by merely expressing interest in meeting her daughter when the time is right. I completely understand her desire to protect her daughter by not introducing her to a man who may not remain in the picture. She's right on that. But it's not like you were demanding to meet her daughter right away or pressuring that it should be soon, at least from the way you've described it. The fact that I don't think you did anything very wrong also makes me think that she may be telling the truth about why she couldn't get back to you this weekend. Good luck and keep us posted. Link to comment
abysmal Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Honestly, I really don't feel like I should've apologized; Being honest with her about my intentions was the plan from the get-go. She is employed at a job that pays well, and she has stated that her past relationships have involved men being physically abusive and using her for her money. I am a part-time worker and a student and I let her know from the beginning that I don't care about her money, I don't want to physically harm her, and that I just want to be there for her as an emotional support and a romantic partner. Otherwise living my life independently of her; I won't take anything from her if I can't get it myself. I think my feelings really started to change about being in the picture more because of our conversations about her daughter and how captivated I was with the desire to get to know her. I was astonished by how she described her and I realize that in my heart she needs a good male influence in her life.. selfishly I would like that person to be me. SOMEDAY. I'm not perfect by any means, but I am respectful toward her and attentive to her emotional needs out of no other purpose or reason but true altruism and wanting to treat her right; aside from liking her as a person, I sympathize with her past history of abuse. Letting her know that I felt this way, it may have been farsighted, but I did let her know that I intended to wait until she was comfortable, that there was no rush. I'm only sorry for coming off too eager. She has to protect her daughter, but otherwise I am unapologetic for how I feel, and I believe It was okay to let her know I was considering the future. I just wish she wouldn't be silent. I wish she would just express how she feels. Silence cuts very deep. Link to comment
abysmal Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 Still nothing; I can't believe it guys. I am thinking about taking myself out of this scene for good now. It's not worth the waiting, the second-guessing. I don't know how you guys stay committed to finding someone, as I know many of you have faced much more difficult challenges and hardships than I have. I don't have it in me anymore. Someone tell me it'll be okay.. Link to comment
Mavh25 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Be patient, understand and agree that if she doesn't get in touch then she isn't worth it. You said you don't feel sorry for saying those things, and honestly though it was a bit fast, you were honest and kind. Don't be sorry for saying it but please, if you want to stand any chance, don't contact her for a while. Link to comment
abysmal Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 Be patient, understand and agree that if she doesn't get in touch then she isn't worth it. You said you don't feel sorry for saying those things, and honestly though it was a bit fast, you were honest and kind. Don't be sorry for saying it but please, if you want to stand any chance, don't contact her for a while.I have already screwed that up. But I will try to seize contacting from here on out. I just feel like her betrayal of me was understandable given her history, but unjustifiable given my sincerity. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 How many dates did you have with her? Link to comment
abysmal Posted July 31, 2013 Author Share Posted July 31, 2013 A few. Many conversations on the phone around the time, where she would open up about her life, history of abuse, her daughter. Spoke for hours together after one date about her and sacrifices she has made on her behalf as a single parent; how her father was instilling wrongful ideas into her head about the reasons for their separation. I really bonded with her in that sense, felt something more than physical chemistry.. I let her know that although it was early, I was looking forward to some day making that transition to having a role in her daughter's life if and when she felt the time was right. Way too early I understand, but I was taken back by how strong she is for her daughter and how dedicated she is to making sure she excels in school and with her peers and family, as with other aspects in terms of spending time with her and discipline. I'm not easily impressed but I wanted to let her know that I admired that and would love to be there to champion and celebrate that, be it as a friend or romantic partner. Because I am and intend to be very loyal and committed. But I failed to communicate that at an appropriate time, and It cost me something wonderful. And it is going to be difficult for me to find someone else, as I'm evidently not very attractive or worth more than acquaintanceship to most women. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.