A mind-blowing, but somewhat bizarre realization...

[MattW]

I've lamented numerous times over my inability to date, and the fact that I don't find myself ever feeling personally attracted to the vast majority of girls. Someone on another forum said something to me in a different discussion that made me come to a realization that really blew my mind, and I've been thinking a lot about it for the last week or so.

 

Basically, this person made a comment about how people instinctively seek out a partner that reminds them of their parent of the opposite sex. Now, for me, I very much dislike my mother. She's a horrible, horrible person, who has two "faces" -- a phony "sweet, innocent, loving, gentle woman" and (the real her) a "lying, manipulative, backstabbing, drama-causing, greedy, sex-crazed sociopath". I've known for a long time now that I absolutely positively do not want to end up with someone like my mother in any way, shape, or form.

 

The problem with this, though, is that most women share some very basic similar qualities with one of my mom's two "faces". I'm so actively against the idea of dating anyone that's even the least bit similar to her, that that pretty much eliminates 98% of the female population. The only girls I've really been attracted to are those that didn't remind me of my mother in any way at all, and those girls have been so few and far between (and each one rejected me) that it takes me years to find another one.

 

This seems like a very... bizarre issue to have, the more I think about it. I mean, what the heck do I even do about this?

[blueidealist24]

i think you're onto something. Now that you at least know about it, maybe you can stop rejecting girls in your head because of it?

[MattW]

I don't know that my realization alone will make me change my perspective. I'm a very self-aware person, but even when I see the weird and/ or bad habits and mindsets I have, I can't seem to figure out how to get myself away from them.

 

I dunno. I guess on one hand, this could be classified as just another "theory" I have about myself. To be honest, I just do not understand why I'm personally attracted to so few women. I don't consider my standards to be "high" (really, the only "standard" I even have is that we get along very well), I'm not "confused about my sexuality", or anything like that. It just doesn't make any sense to me that I can't be "normal" and think "Hey, that girl is kinda cute, I should go ask her out", or whatever it is guys are supposed to think. It's frustrating, but I just can't figure out the answer. All I can do is come up with these "theories". Maybe they have some weigh to them, maybe they don't. This isn't the first theory I've came up with, and I'm guessing it probably won't be the last. I just wish I could figure out the answer once and for all, and more than that, figure out how to solve the problem. v_v

[Batya33]

"I'm so actively against the idea of dating anyone that's even the least bit similar to her, that that pretty much eliminates 98% of the female population."

 

So you think most women are fake? Then that's the real problem -you have to like a person as well as be romantically interested - obviously this may have been triggered by your mama issues but the escalation is your own choice.

[MattW]

I wouldn't necessarily say that I think most women are "fake", but just that you never really know, I guess. I don't get to know a girl and think "She's hiding something...", it's more just the fact that she'll have some quality that's shared with one of my mother's two "faces", and it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

 

Certainly, though, there are women out there that are similarly two-faced, and the thing that scares me is that I don't believe I have enough sense to see it beforehand. Most people will put on a bit of an "act" to the outside world, not necessarily to hide something, but just to come off as nicer and more presentable to the outside world. But that's still a bit of a turn off for me, regardless.

[Thorshammer]

You are not attracted enough to have boom-boom time? Some people can be fake, yes. But usually, when it comes to my experience with women (men can be fake too, but i dont date men), you know the real them and they trust you to know and want the real them. They can be fake to their friends, talk behind their back, but be loyal to you. Ive dated a few like this, i even laugh at how cordial they can be to their enemies and then tell me how fat she looked, or how stupid she is, but we were always a team together.

[MattW]

You are not attracted enough to have boom-boom time? Some people can be fake, yes. But usually, when it comes to my experience with women (men can be fake too, but i dont date men), you know the real them and they trust you to know and want the real them. They can be fake to their friends, talk behind their back, but be loyal to you. Ive dated a few like this, i even laugh at how cordial they can be to their enemies and then tell me how fat she looked, or how stupid she is, but we were always a team together.

 

Eh, well. I wouldn't know what that's like. I've never really felt like a "team" with anyone, except this one girl for a few months last year, but she didn't want to date me and kind of "kicked me out of the team" after I asked her out, so...

 

As far as sex, eh, I mean, I'd say I have a healthy level of sexual interest, but I'm not driven by it at all when pursuing girls. I'm interested first and foremost in finding a girl I get along with extraordinarily well, more than I am in finding a girl that gets me aroused. Besides, I'm not the kind of guy that girls would get all hot and bothered by, anyway, so it's kind of a moot point.

[blueidealist24]

Funny, I feel the same way about men and I have a really bad relationship with my father/think he's a jerk, so your theory could possibly be correct. My friends even make jokes about me having "daddy issues."

[Slimpee]

Yeah, sounds like it could be a lot of scar tissue built up towards women in general as a result of your feelings about your mom. Ie, you immediately assume all women are going to be like your mom.

 

Sounds like therapy could be a good idea. Or at least being cognizant and fighting your initial impulses by giving a woman a chance.

[allcity]

That's a very important breakthrough and is one that I've seen happen in the lives of quite a few people I know and it's always helped them to form far healthier relationships going forwards, if they use it to actually work on their deep-rooted problems.

 

Now that you've realised this, there are two things to be very careful of:

 

• Don't make the mistake of pre-judging women that don't deserve it, purely based on your own mom issues, as you'll likely be seeing problems that aren't even there. This is your problem, not theirs, and you could easily push away many great women because you're seeing traits in them that only exist in your mind and not in their actual behaviour.
  
• Make sure that you're not attracting and attracted to women that let you repeat the patterns of your relationship with your mom. Many people unconsciously attract people into their lives that replicate their childhood problems and they continue to do so even when they specifically try not to. Sometimes it's only when the trauma is repaired that the patterns stops.
  

I agree that therapy could be very helpful, as long as you're up to the challenge of facing this issue head-on. It sounds like a problem that could be quite tough to beat alone, but that doesn't mean that you can't do it.

[MattW]

Now that you've realised this, there are two things to be very careful of:

 

• Don't make the mistake of pre-judging women that don't deserve it, purely based on your own mom issues, as you'll likely be seeing problems that aren't even there. This is your problem, not theirs, and you could easily push away many great women because you're seeing traits in them that only exist in your mind and not in their actual behaviour.

 

Thing is, it's never a "This girl is like this, that means she's going to be a bad person" kind of thing for me. It's less of a "They might be a bad person", and more something that just "leaves a bad taste in my mouth". Does that make sense? It's a completely subconscious thing, it's just one of those things where I'll subconsciously notice a trait that connects to my mom, and whatever part of my brain that controls attraction just says "no". I'm not even really sure it's something I can control, at this point.

 

• Make sure that you're not attracting and attracted to women that let you repeat the patterns of your relationship with your mom. Many people unconsciously attract people into their lives that replicate their childhood problems and they continue to do so even when they specifically try not to. Sometimes it's only when the trauma is repaired that the patterns stops.
  

 

And how, exactly, do I do that?

[Batya33]

Thing is, it's never a "This girl is like this, that means she's going to be a bad person" kind of thing for me. It's less of a "They might be a bad person", and more something that just "leaves a bad taste in my mouth". Does that make sense? It's a completely subconscious thing, it's just one of those things where I'll subconsciously notice a trait that connects to my mom, and whatever part of my brain that controls attraction just says "no". I'm not even really sure it's something I can control, at this point.

 

 

It might initially be subconscious but now it's coming to the surface so you don't need to ignore it or react to it in a negative way. How would you like if people saw you through a "glass half empty"/cynical perspective based on some mildly quirky mannerism you might have or something you said that reminded them of something their parent said? The information you shared here might lead to something productive but it' requires your active effort.

[lavenderdove]

OK, if at your age you perceive all women as being like your mother or not like your mother and you don't like 95% of them, then you have issues with your mother that need therapy. I think rather than framing the whole female population in terms of how they are in relation to your mother, you need to deal with your mother issues so that she does not loom so large in your thoughts and choices. Most people honestly hardly think about their mother at all when they are dating, they just thinking whether they find the woman attractive or like her or not.

 

If you mother has scarred your perceptions to this extent, then get some therapy to address those issues so that you can just forget about your mother and enjoy women and not frame them as if they were scary because they might be like your mother. There are millions of women with personalities as different as the grains of sand in the sea, and most of them will NOT be like your mother. You're basically coloring your world negatively and too enmeshed with your mother if you see all of them within the framework of 'this is like my mother, this is not like my mother, maybe she will turn into my mother.'

[MattW]

OK, if at your age you perceive all women as being like your mother or not like your mother and you don't like 95% of them, then you have issues with your mother that need therapy. I think rather than framing the whole female population in terms of how they are in relation to your mother, you need to deal with your mother issues so that she does not loom so large in your thoughts and choices. Most people honestly hardly think about their mother at all when they are dating, they just thinking whether they find the woman attractive or like her or not.

 

Well that's kinda the thing, none of this has been a "conscious" thing to me at all.

 

The issue I've been facing for several years now has simply been that I don't find most girls personally attractive to want to date them. I've never understood why. It's always been something that's just a fact. It's bothered me, it's frustrated me, it's made me sad, etc., because everyone else can just want to pursue someone based on a first impression, but me, I need time to figure out if I want to date a girl, and even when I do get that time, only a teeny tiny percentage of girls ever get a "yes" from me. I've never really considered my standards to be high (honestly, the only thing I'm concerned about is how we get along and what the chemistry is like), and I never actually think anything harsh about any particular girl, I just never feel any kind of attraction, and at best, there's just some friendship there.

 

Like I said earlier in this topic, this stuff about my mom is really just yet another theory I've come up with to explain why I have this problem. Whether or not it's true, I don't know. It seems to hold some weight, but then I realize that this stuff with my mom has only really been happening for the last 3-4 years, and I've been unable to become personally attracted to girls since I've been proper dating age (so about eight or so years, now).

 

I just want to understand WHY I can't feel attracted to most girls, why me being attracted to a girl is such a rare thing, and it's so frustrating, because I'm getting older, I can't date, and I can't figure out why. Maybe this stuff with my mom plays into it, but I don't know, maybe it's much more complicated than that, maybe it goes deeper than that. I just don't get it, and I hate feeling this way.

[allcity]

And how, exactly, do I do that?

 

You deal with the root causes within yourself and you get as good as you can at spotting the red flags in the women you meet. The real red flags...not just the assumptions.

 

From what I've been told it's not easy, but it's pretty important if you want to avoid repeating the patterns of your childhood by dating your parents time and time again.

 

And it's surprising just how many people's relationships are based on their relationship (or lack of) with their parents.

[Angler]

I've known for a long time now that I absolutely positively do not want to end up with someone like my mother in any way, shape, or form.......I'm so actively against the idea of dating anyone that's even the least bit similar to her, that that pretty much eliminates 98% of the female population.

 

100% of them will have vaginas. It's time to be brave and stop making excuses for yourself.

[Lorem Ipsum]

more something that just "leaves a bad taste in my mouth". Does that make sense? It's a completely subconscious thing, it's just one of those things where I'll subconsciously notice a trait that connects to my mom, and whatever part of my brain that controls attraction just says "no". I'm not even really sure it's something I can control, at this point.

If you recognise that this is what's happening, it's no longer completely subconscious. Aside from getting therapy, which I think would be an excellent idea, you can start by challenging your own reactions. Next time you start to feel that "bad taste" ask yourself if what you're feeling is true or valid based on what you know of that person and what's happening at that moment or if it's a reaction to something that happened in the past. Ask yourself if it's fair to be judging another person based on what your mother did? All women are not like your mother. The sooner you can learn to separate what she did to you/your preconceived ideas based on her from other people, the better off you'll be.