Overanalyzing things, or just chill out...

[Scoe141]

Here's a brief background:

 

This girl and I have been talking for about 2 months. Most nights we talk for 1-2 hours or more. Because she lives a good distance away, we've only been able to meet up a few times. I've met her folks, we have a lot of fun together and have expressed being exclusive. She's said she likes me and isn't interested in anyone else, I told her I feel the same way. So basically it's like we're dating.

 

About three weeks ago, she had a big project at work, which was consuming most of her time. She still found time to call at night after work, but the normal texting during the day didn't occur as frequently as it did before. At the end of that week (after the project was due) she had to go out of country for two weeks. She was able to email me a bit the first few days, then wasn't able to. (There was no cell service where she was.) In the e-mails she said missed me, wished I was there etc. She even had the chance to send me a letter while over there. In it, she expressed how she hoped I was thinking of her as much as she was of me and was looking forward to visiting me when she returned.

 

The night she got back we talked for an hour. Everything seemed normal. She told me she really missed me and asked if I was still interested in her (which we both agreed that we were.) I texted her in the morning, but didn't hear back from her all day, until later that night. She finally send me a text saying sorry and that it had been a weird day.

 

Also during this time, her sister is pregnant. So she was waiting to go visit her as soon as she heard news about the birth. Evidently, there was complications the day after she returned from her trip. So she had to gather stuff from work so she could work from the road, unpack from her overseas trip, and repack to visit her sister, who lives on the other side of the country. We texted a little bit that night (before she left to go see her sister) but we didn't talk, which I thought was odd and the texts were sporadic and she never explained what was "weird" about her day. I texted her the next day, saying "I know you've been through a lot, and Im here if you need anything." She responded saying I was a great guy. (I don't know where she got that idea...

 

We texted a little bit last night, but thats about it. (Generic, how was your day, she filled me on her sister and family etc.)

 

Concerns:

 

I hope I'm not being insensitive to what's been going on in her life. It seems like a lot: big project at work, going overseas, coming home and immediately traveling to a new time zone. She lost a family pet this week as well, and there's the stress of the complications from her sister's baby. (Which thankfully they're both doing OK.)

 

Would anyone be concerned over the lack of texts, or phone time we haven't had recently? I mean, if it were me for example, I would shoot out a quick text saying "Hey Im jammed up, but thinking of you... or I've been really busy, sorry for the lack of texts." etc.

 

I guess we went from texting a lot during the day, to sporadic, end of the day communication. In the beginning she did say, if she didn't respond to texts, not to be offended and that's how she is. I guess also (and this was even said by her mom as well) that she wasn't big into talking on the phone for a long periods of time. So, given the amount we talk, says a lot.

 

I do like her a lot and worry that she's losing interest or isn't thinking of me because of the lack of texts. Am I over thinking things? I don't want to be insensitive or selfish. I'm just worrying as I tend to over analyze. I've never been in this situation before, so I'm looking for advice. I don't want it to look like I'm not thinking of her, but I also don't want to flood her phone with texts. I've been giving her the space to be with her family, and letting her text me... if that makes sense. Thoughts?

 

Thanks for any help.

[rocko123]

In the beginning she did say, if she didn't respond to texts, not to be offended and that's how she is. I guess also (and this was even said by her mom as well) that she wasn't big into talking on the phone for a long periods of time.

 

Unless you get more clear signs that she's not into you, there's your answer. Take her at face value and try not to place too high an importance on things that you're uncertain of.

[mhowe]

Cripes she.has a lot.going on! Yes, you are.over thinking. Send a text and then get about your.own life. She isn't disinterested... she is busy. It is called having.a full.life. no worries.

[Sparklesong]

You waste a lot of time trying to always communicate by text message. And it's so cold and impersonal, to boot. If you had time to text for 10 or 20 minutes, you really should have just called and talked instead of texting. That way she can hear the warmth in your voice, and you could have said a lot more.

 

LDR's are really difficult to maintain. Especially at a time when she's going through what she's going through. This sounds horribly sexist, but men are usually more apt to withdraw from people when life is stressful. Women tend to want to seek comfort by being closer to the one(s) they love. In this case, maybe that IS her family. But it could also mean that she's longing to be close to you, but you live so far away, and sometimes the reality of the limitations of only being able to communicate over the airwaves gets to be a real drag. This often the time when LDR's break up.

 

This might be a good time to step up the in-person visits. Next time you talk, feel her out about the idea. You could say something like, "I wish I could be there to give you a hug". If she jumps on that and says, "I wish you could, too" or "Oh man, I'd really love that", then offer to come that weekend. If she agrees, then do it. If she's non-committal, or basically doesn't jump on the idea, then let it go and chalk it up to just being busy.

 

It sounds like the newness and infatuation of newly dating has worn off, along with the desire to text so much. But she likes you and knows you're a good guy, but she hasn't fallen in love with you yet. Or maybe she has and is just letting that idea cook for awhile in her head.

[ThatwasThen]

Gosh you sound needy and skittish. Stop putting your entire life in her hands and how she responds (or not ) to you. Don't stop living while you wait for word from her either. Have your friends and outside interests ready to fill in the times when you're not skyping or texting her. Texting isn't a very good way to keep in touch anyway so I have to ask how long do you expect this quasi-relationship to keep on in the status quo? One of you, likely her since she has a full life, is going to get tired of the distance and will end it so be prepared with your own full life, hobbies, sports, the gym, your friends so that you don't rely on her to be your everything. Long distance relationships that don't have a set time to actually be together full time rarely work for very long. Her being to busy top text you this last little while is a good way for you to wean yourself from the habit of hearing from her constantly.

 

Sorry to be so negative about it all, but it is something you should consider and be realistic about, as unromantic as it is.

[Scoe141]

Unless you get more clear signs that she's not into you, there's your answer. Take her at face value and try not to place too high an importance on things that you're uncertain of.

 

Yea, I just believe most people are creatures of habits while in relationships. Granted there are often extenuated circumstances, I just feel if something deviates from that "standard" something could be amiss.

 

Thanks for your response.

[Scoe141]

Sparklesong-

 

Thanks for taking the time to write an extended response. Yes, this is unusual for her. Then again, giving the circumstances, I can't imagine what it's like to be in her shoes.

 

I can say, that she has joked and referred to her being more like a "guy" when it comes to expressing her emotions. haha... It was said lightly, but she hasn't been the one to spill her heart to me. She did say that's she's being cautious because of the uncertainty of the future regarding relocation. (If it ever came to it.) Plus, the last guy she dated, she really liked and got burned. Given the distance, that might be the case here.

 

On the flip side to that, after hanging out the last time, she did say she would like to be in a relationship with me. We just didn't completely visit that conversation due to the fact that she had the project at work, and her trip. So I didn't want to drop that on her during that time. She is 6 years younger than me and said has been a bit shy when it comes to relationships. (Which could have some influence on her actions.)

 

The night she returned home from her trip, she said that she wanted to see me soon and got upset, saying she really missed me and wanted to be together. Maybe I am just reading into it too much. Or maybe Im used to dating girls in the past, who needed that attention and "constant" communication. Maybe she doesnt.

[Scoe141]

I appreciate youre pithy response. My life is jammed packed and do my own thing. I may not as busy as what's going in hers right now, but then again, it's kind of a rare thing. (work, travel, pregnancy all within weeks of one another)

 

I guess I can argue, how hard is it to pick up the phone for 2 minutes and say hi? I don't think that's being needy or asking for too much. Maybe Im making a big deal out of it for nothing.

 

I've been in relationships before, I've been hurt. I've moved on. So I am prepared for whatever happens. I just really like this one and hope it works out. That's why Im looking for advice here, so that I don't overanalyze, push her way or worry for nothing.

 

Thanks again for your advice.