selfsabotage Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Human natures such a weird thing, common sense would indicate that if you really love someone, if you really saw value in that person above all others you've ever dated you would and should fight for them. Not just let them walk away like it never mattered to you, but the more you"fight" the more you are considered "needy" and "dependant". The more you do the more is serves to push them away. I wonder if this has ever switched or has it always been this way? Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 How does one "fight for someone"? If your partner has reached the decision that they no longer want to be with you...what could possibly be said to change their mind? Presumably they have given the decision a lot of thought. Because you don't agree does not make their choice invalid. Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 When someone I deeply love leaves me I do fight for them. I fight with myself to respect their wishes. I fight myself to give them what they need and are clearly asking for, space from me. That is a hard fight. And it's the one I do for the people I value. Link to comment
Allipie Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 When someone I deeply love leaves me I do fight for them. I fight with myself to respect their wishes. I fight myself to give them what they need and are clearly asking for, space from me. That is a hard fight. And it's the one I do for the people I value. Same here. I learned that actually fighting...the chasing, begging, pleading, grand gestures...are just done out of desperation and that if you truly love/care about someone, you give them their space. Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 I cant argue with whats been said, my perspectives a little off Link to comment
MajinGuu Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 What has been said. At first I panicked and didn't know what to do, so I fought for her, fought to keep her. It obviously didn't work, so I stopped and started an even harder fight: the fight for myself. Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 Theres only one girl I ever "fought" for all the others I let walk away, to me that said something, I was just being selfish I guess, now she's gone for good. A very expensive lesson Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Fighting for someone who has dumped you is based on a false assumption. You say you are in love and feel the person is best for you, but you are forgetting that it takes two people to make a relationship, and you willl not always have identical feelings and goals and expectation as your partner does. You are two separate and unique people and hence your partner is entitled to make decisions for herself, as are you. So if the other person has made a decision that you are NOT the right one for them for whatever reason, 'fighting' for them will only serve to annoy them and make them angry because you are INSISTING they must stay in a relationship that is not working for them. So they will see it as a selfish, childish, and manipulative act. it may feel like a 'perfect' relationship to you, but to them, it is obviously not perfect if they want to walk away from it, and they are just not interested and perceive you and the relationship differently than you perceive them. Now if two people both want the relationship nad there are problems you can both work very hard to resolve your differences and try to make it work, but if one person has checked out and doesn't want to try, trying to coerce them into it and stalking them and forcing yourself on them will only enrage and scare them. Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 What if it was a snap dessicion out of anger from an argument, and the dumper while breaking it of said "I really thought we'd go the distance". Should one assume that if she really thought that to be true the she wouldnt walk away? Link to comment
Lostagain100 Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Very insightful. Very harsh, yet very true. Good post. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 No, her comment means she thought that at the beginning of the relationship when everyone is wearing love goggles. Now that reality has set in, the differences have caused her to reevaluate. It takes 2 to make a relationship... 2 to want to push through the problems and differences. Link to comment
Brokenheart99 Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 That is true, but sadly I think the culture has quickly shifted to its okay to divorce and split. While sill taboo, divorce is so common now, that ppl don't fight for a rs anymore bc giving up and pride is an easier thing. Though it is true, a rs can only be fought for and worked out if both parties are willing to try. Link to comment
Alone Now Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Sadly i agree with you. I'm sorry but its just a cop out. Most issues can be worked through. Unless feelings have completely changed 100% then i see no reason to throw your hands up and walk away from a relationship. Sorry, its just how i feel. Nobody wants to try anymore. We live in a time where selfishness is the norm I absolutely agree with this post. Any relationship ,or even a friendship were there is value is worth fighting for. Do you learn from this person? Do they add color and laughter to your life? Have they pushed you to make a difficult decision that you knew was right all along, but never trusted in yourself to make that move? I have a friend who helped find a doctor for me and I went and things have gotten so much better! This is the kind of friend I would fight for. This is a self-serving world, I agree. A place where people accept the benifit of friendship and trust and when it is no longer conveient or hits a bump in the road, the friend is quickly dismissed. Sadly, I am guilty of this right now. Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 Seems tho the relationship's deemed worth fighting for are the ones where there is some form of physical or emotional abuse, the emotional pull and the drama is strangely somehow addictive to people. I do believe that bonds between people shouldn't be broken so easily but seems people are becoming more and more dispensable, how can anything meaningful ever be built from that. I do understand that I takes two to tango but people seem so easily willing to walk away in the pursuit of "perfection" that they never find it and eventually settle bexause their biological clock is ticking and in the pursuit they lose the person who really cared for them. Words have become so cheap and promises are meaningless Link to comment
Alone Now Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Agreed 100% with both posts above me. My ex gave up too easily. She assumed things without discussing them with me, used the whole "i have no time" "personal issues" which i believe she does have but we could have worked through it. She could have communicated with me better. People don't know how to do that either. We are so absorbed with texting, social networks, other means that we have no clue how to communicate anymore. Its really sad. No, it is not enough to say "i'm not happy" and walk out on a relationship. You will NEVER be happy 24/7 in a relationship. It is very unrealistic. You learn to love the person your with for their flaws and all. You accept that the minute you decided you wanted to be with them so you should be willing to put in the work to keep them. You are so right my dear friend. The art of verbal commuinication is a lost art for a number of reasons. One is that it can appear less painful to text unpleasentries. If someone says something to you that you don't agree with, human nature suggests you become defensive. Que words such as "drama" will quickly turn any open discussion into a battle because of the negative connection with that particular word. A case in point - When you are texting something, don't you take the time to reread what the written word is? Of course you do and you make changes or adjustments. When talking hardly anyone takes the time to actually THINK about what they are about to say. A 2 or 3 second pause can make the difference between a constructive conversation and a major blowout! Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 Its crazy how the more you're willing to do for people you care about the more you're willing to help, the less they respect you or value you for that matter. Although the ones who weren't "there" for them the ones who play "unobtainable" are the ones they try harder to make it work with. Its as if they seek validation from the other because they feel dejected by them, they have the validation from you, won you over so to speak and move onto the next. Its a stupid game to have to play but the only one that works. Im under the impression that there shouldn't be these games when u care for someone, if it is human nature then I must be missing a chromozone Link to comment
Lostagain100 Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Agreed 100% with both posts above me. My ex gave up too easily. She assumed things without discussing them with me, used the whole "i have no time" "personal issues" which i believe she does have but we could have worked through it. She could have communicated with me better. People don't know how to do that either. We are so absorbed with texting, social networks, other means that we have no clue how to communicate anymore. Its really sad. No, it is not enough to say "i'm not happy" and walk out on a relationship. You will NEVER be happy 24/7 in a relationship. It is very unrealistic. You learn to love the person your with for their flaws and all. You accept that the minute you decided you wanted to be with them so you should be willing to put in the work to keep them.Absolutely. My ex started with the "I need to find myself" bit and ended with the "I wasn't happy with my life/our relationship" deal. It just irks me that she broke up with me via text and would not even Skype with me (she is in another country right now). It sickens me how disconnected the world has become on a social level. Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 Maybe someone could enlighten me on this....... The dumper said to me; "I really thought we'd go the distance, its the best relationship I've ever had and one of the most positive experiences of my life". She said that when she broke it off, it's kept me stuck in limbo, I've been confused for months now? Link to comment
Allipie Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Agreed, bodyelectric. I read through posts on this board and other boards and social networks are always a factor when it comes to relationship problems. Ive had the majority of guys i tried to date walk away bc of my health problems.....all it takes is communication and understanding but they act like its too much work and suuuch a huge problem when its actually quite simple. AND then they come back months later wanting to try again because they "realized what they had". Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Sometimes the connection just peters out. It doesn't mean it.wasn't a great and learning experience. Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 There were none until I lied about some girls hanging out with me and my mates on a bucks party, she was already stressed about me being in thailand for this bucks, understandably, she was already losing sleep, I called her every day for reassurance but thought that by telling her about these girls who coincidentally were over ther at the same time and were friends of my mate, it would cause her undue anxiety. I told her eventually cause it was eating me up. It was a mistake on my part. She beleives I didnt cheat but obviously can no longer trust me. Her ex cheated and lied and she kept going back, he was in the picture whilewe were dating but two days before she found out I lied she deleted his number and blocked him from calling. I only got the chance to make one mistake yet he made si many and im sure she saw him after we broke up Link to comment
Allipie Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Did they date longer than you guys did? Might be why shes giving him so many chances Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Allipie, ALWAYS seems to happen that way huh? Eh idk i personally don't believe that whole connection fizzling out. There couldn't have been one to begin with then. Is that what you think about your ex?...there wasn't one to begin with? Link to comment
selfsabotage Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 Much longer, but she knew it wouldnt work, as far as the connection fizling out, it wasn't that, she had told me something two days befor that she never felt comfortable or close enough with anyone to tell befor. They were her words Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Well... then in your case it appears to be the lying. Link to comment
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