Help Getting over First Love

[Mels]

I was one of those people who truly believed that if I was careful enough, I would fall in love and marry the first person that I ever dated seriously. I went on dates in high school, but only casually, and I never had a relationship with any of the guys. I usually ended it after two or three dates. Three and a half months ago I agreed to go out with a guy who I had always been attracted to. I let my guard down, and fell hard. When we first started dating he told me not to worry if he didn't say 'I love you' very soon because he had never said it to a girl before. He told me that he was only going to say to one girl and that would be the girl he would marry. He told me he loved me soon after. He was cute, funny, nice, sweet. Everything I wanted, and I fell completely in love with him. We spent almost every day together, talked every day, sent tons of text messages. We talked about getting married, and our future together. He told me I was the love of his life, he wanted to be with me forever, that I was beautiful. I ended up doing things with him that I always told myself I would wait til marriage to do. The biggest mistake of my life. He broke up with me two weeks ago with no warning. The night before he had talked to me about how many kids we were going to have. The night he broke up with me he told me that he didn't think he would ever get married. Now I'm left to deal with a broken heart and the guilt of losing my purity to someone who wasn't worth it. I got angry and sent him a text message with some really mean things in it. I tried to apologize and he wouldn't accept. He never wants to talk to me again. We only dated for three months, but I saw him every day. I spent all of my free time with him. He was my life for those three months. He told me all those things about marriage and loving me, it's really hard to let go of that. The first person I ever fell in love with, and he broke my heart into a million pieces. I don't know how I'm going to trust anyone like that again. Does anyone have any advice on getting over your first heartbreak?

[gersanos]

I feel your pain - I completely empathize. I had a similar situation with an X. Our relationship was passionate, intense, but only lasted 5 months. We too talked about future, marriage, name it. It was awesome. Then, she says something about her thinking that she will probably never get married, and a week after that it ends, even though she said we'll be ok and stuff. My mind was more hurt then my feelings - I could not understand a thing about it. It will take you a while to get over this, but you will make it.

 

Mistakes I learned from that experience:

 

1. Do not spend all of your free time together, even if you both want to. We spent everyday together, and although we both wanted to, and she said I love you to me after a couple of months (and I returned; it did feel right at the time), and everything was perfect, we really grew sick of each other/smothered each other in the end. In a sense, it was not a healthy relationship because it was a form of co-dependency.

2. In the beginning it is a honeymoon. Anyone can be nice and everything can be perfect. Individuals do not show there true colors until tragedy occurs. Enjoy the honeymoon. Spend lots of time together at this stage, but do not make them the sole purpose in your life. Both of you must be individuals, hang out with your own friends, and have your own lives.

3. If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. Nothing comes this easy in life.

4. We dated during our last semester of school and over summer - in essense, a period of life when there were no responsibilities or the real world to deal with. We fell apart when fall came with MANY responsibilites and stress. If it was true love, we'd find a way to make it through. Perhaps your situation is similar in some way.

5. Avoid him at all costs. Do not contact him in any way. Even though I hoped she would contact me, she never did. I was able to heal, learn and grow by being completely away from my X. You will regret any contact that you make for one, and two, he will only look down upon you even more if you keep contacting him. If you feel like contacting, then call a friend - whenever I felt like contacting or got wrapped up in my own head about it, I called someone and talked about it with them. Sure people got sick & tired of listening to it, but friends are there for that.

 

You'll make it through this. But remember, you had certain expectations here. Expectations are nothing more than pre-meditated resentments. Of course you're going to be angry - you gave this person everything, and expected to be with him for a lifetime. He said one thing, but ended up doing another, for whatever reason. I'm sure that he, like my X, was genuine when you two were together, but then something just happened. In time you will be able to forgive him. This may sound harsh at this point in time, but one day you will be able to look back on this and see how much you have learned and grown as a result.

[Scout]

Gersanos, beautifully said! Very insightful feedback and the points you make about what to avoid when starting a relationship are right on.

 

To the original poster, read, re-read, then re-read his advice again, I can't put it any better myself. And keep posting when you need to vent, it really does help.

[Mels]

Thanks, your advice really helped. It helps to talk to someone who's been through it and understands. No one that I know personally really understands why I'm so upset. We only dated for a little over three months, but it was pretty serious. As much time as we spent together, it was really like we had been dating for a lot longer. I honestly thought that I was going to marry him. I think I went through every emotion after we broke up. I was hurt, confused, and I felt stupid. Two days before he broke up with me he had cooked me dinner and bought me a rose for our 3 month anniversary. Everything was great. It was just really unexpected and came out of nowhere. He didn't give me any signs or anything, so I wasn't able to prepare myself at all. It hurt a lot, and still does. I still think about him a lot, even without meaing to. I'll be doing something else and something will remind me of him. Or I'll do something stupid and the first thing that pops into my head is that I'm going to tell him about it when I talk to him, and then I have to remind myself that I can't talk to him. Those are the hard times. But you're right, I've definitely learned a lot from it. I just hope that the whole experience improves my future relationships instead of hindering them.

[SuperStar]

Gersanos is right on with this advice. I made some of the same mistakes he lists to avoid.

 

I had very similar short term relationship as you with a woman. It lasted 3 months and was very intense. Everything seemed wonderful in the honeymoon stage of things and I thought this was the one. I thought I had never clicked with someone like this before in my life. I was in it the whole nine yards and I assumed the same with her. I assumed that she was ready for something long term and had the same goals/values. Wrong! We spent a lot of time together and everything seemed cool, but the bottom fell out when she told me she was still "technically" married a month into the relationship.

 

I had a chance to walk away, but I didn't. I kept with thinking that well maybe being 6 months separated she had gotten beyond it. Big mistake! Ran that red flag and many others. And in the process lost my self respect by allowing myself to be disrespected. By compromising for half of what I wanted in a relationship. In the end, it basically became one huge emotional mess. I walked away eventually, but was destroyed emotionally and mentally. So much so that I'm still recovering, but getting much better each day.

 

I realize now that I was in love with "Idealized" version of who she was and not truly who she was, warts and all. This was not fair to her. When you put people up on pedestals, the pedestal eventually breaks and you're left resentful that they didn't stay up there.

 

We all learn a lot from these experiences. Sometimes they have to be really painful in order for you to truly learn from them. The main thing is to try and not beat yourself over it or blame yourself, which I did a lot of to myself.

 

Also, most importantly, do not contact them at all. I made this mistake a couple of times via email and it only prolonged the pain. Call a friend, family member, anybody that will keep you accountable if you feel the need to contact them. I asked my roommate to be my accountabilty partner to hold me accountable to N/C.

 

All in all, I know I will be a lot stronger based on this experience and the insight I gained, as you will too.

 

Here is an article I found on the web that helped me sort out my confusion and pain. I hope it helps you too.

 

link removed

[gersanos]

I realize now that I was in love with "Idealized" version of who she was and not truly who she was, warts and all. This was not fair to her. When you put people up on pedestals, the pedestal eventually breaks and you're left resentful that they didn't stay up there.

 

This is very true, and I know was this way for me.

 

This experience will only make you grow - it won't hinder future relationships. In the meantime, you will need to heal until you are at that point and it will take some time. You'll know when that time comes when you just wake up one day and realize that you are truly ok and over them and have your confidence and esteem back. It'll happen.

 

Intense relationships are warped with time. We dated for 5 months, and it felt like we were together for at least a year (we both agreed on this). It will take you time to fully recover, but you will get there. Keep posting on here to vent and take care of yourself.

[SuperStar]

Thanks Gersanos for the encouraging words.

 

It is taking me a bit to recover. More than I thought it would, but it might have to do with other life changes as well(career, moving, moving back, etc.).

 

Lately, i've been trying to move forward by trying to meet other woman and get back out there. Not to get in a serious relationship again, but to realize that there are more fish in the sea.

 

However, it's been tough. I fluctuate from hope to sadness to anger to hope. I'm just not fully there yet with myself and it's hard to think that I could have a deeper and better connection than what I had with my ex. But I know it's something I need to do despite the pain and fear.

 

It seems confusing to me at times why I can't quite move on, since she treated the relationship and me poorly at times. I know I had all the right reasons for why I left, but a part of me still hangs on to the good times and blames myself for certain things. I need to accept the fact that she was who she was, despite all the good stuff and/or potential good things I saw. It's just going to take some more time. More time to heal and more time to work on establishing me(career, confidence, etc.) I'm keeping the faith and never giving up.

 

Anyways, thanks for reading my posts.

 

"Tough times don't last. Tough people do."

[gersanos]

It will take some time. The intense relationships that are so wonderful, albeit brief take the longest to get over. Especially when there were so many good times, memories, etc., and not so many bad ones. They leave you wondering "what happened?"

 

Going through the cycles of recovery that you are experiencing is normal. I went through the same. Feeling great, then plunging back towards hope for her return, etc. Nothing like that ever happened. Just keep up with no contact and trying to live your life. Fake it till you make it.

[Mels]

It's been four weeks since we broke up. I'm still not over him. I know that don't want him back, but I'm not over my feelings for him yet.

 

A new problem came up yesterday. I found out that he was already dating someone else. I guess I would have found out eventually, but I didn't really want to know. And once I found out, my curiosity took over and I wanted to know everything.

 

He started dating this new girl a week and a half after we broke up. It just hurts to know that everything he told me was a lie. He once told me that if he couldn't make it work with me, he didn't think that he would be able to make it work with anyone so that he probably wouldn't date for a while if we broke up. That was a full out lie, apparently. He told me one time that it would take him months to get over me.

 

I was finally just about to get to the point that I was okay with not being with him anymore. Then this happens. I know that I don't want him back, but it still hurts to know that he's telling someone else all the things he told me, and doing all the things he did with me with someone else. I can't get it out of my head. How do you deal with knowing that your ex, who you thought you would be with for the rest of your life, is with someone else, especially so soon after the break up? It's like a complete slap in the face confirming that I was an idiot to believe a word he said.

[regal]

This may sound a little cold, but be thankful your first love ended in a shorter time. My first and only love left me after ten years, I was a basket case and ended up in a bad rebound relation because I was so inexperienced. I saw a post from a guy who married his first love and after 5 years she left. 9 years later the guy was still depressed. I think the first love, the ones we give our virginity to have tremendous power over us. For some that power keeps the relationship together, but if it doesn't let it go now. If there are bad signs, don't try and force it, better to let it go now than to wake up alone 10 years later never having loved anyone else.

[Mels]

Yeah, I know I have a lot to be thankful for about the whole thing, even though it doesn't seem like it right now. I didn't waste too much of my life on him, all the friends that I neglected while I was dating him are still there for me thank goodness. It's still really hard, though. It hurts so much to know that he lied to me about everything. And then to know that he's the one who hurt me and did the wrong in our relationship, yet he gets to be happy with my replacement while I'm still miserable.

[ebola316]

That just shows how much they really cared about us in the first place. If it was so easy for them to walk away, and soon after take up with someone new. then they never really cared to begin with. We wouldn't do that to them.

 

I'm not going to sit around and analyze what went wrong, and if he'll come back, and wondering if he's got another girlfriend. At this point, I'm just mad that I let this person get the best of me, physically and emotionally. believe me, they couldn't care less how we feel.

[Mels]

I'm having those feelings, too. The pain of rejection mixed with the emotions of feeling completely stupid for making myself so vulnerable is too much to handle sometimes. I get mad at myself for being so trusting and letting him walk all over me.

 

Sometimes I'm completely okay with whole thing. I know that he's a jerk, I know that he didn't love me as much as I loved him and never would, I know that I can do a lot better than him. And then sometimes all I can do is cry because I miss him and all the feelings that came with him.

 

It just sucks because I was finally doing okay dealing with not having him around, and as soon as I found out he had started dating someone else so soon after we broke up, it all came flooding back. I knew that I would have to deal with it all eventually, but I didn't expect it to be so soon. I didn't want to know, I didn't ask to know. But oh well, I guess everything happens for a reason. I just have to deal with it and use it to my advantage as a way to make it easier to move on. It's still really hard, though.

[ebola316]

These feelings come and go. Yesterday, I was all gung-ho, feeling like I didn't need him and the crappy way he walked out on me, and all that. And today, all I've been doing in sitting around in my PJs and feeling depressed and wanting him back.

 

I think thats why it's better to have no contact with them at all- and if anyone try to tell us about them, stop them an tell them you don't want to hear it. I honestly think this is the only way we can all come through this with our sanity intact.

[Mels]

I didn't have a choice about it, someone told me in a text message. But then I found out that he's not really dating her. He keeps her around to fill the void that I left. He's been seeing her for 3 weeks and he hasn't even kissed her yet, definitely not like him. And someone told me that she wasn't very pretty and doesn't have that great of a personality.

 

At first I was pretty happy about it. It helped to know that he hadn't moved on so quickly. But now I think that it set me back in the healing process. It was like knowing that gave me some small hope that he really missed me and would eventually want me back. That the reason he hasn't kissed this new girl is because he can't do it without thinking of me. That he would eventually realize that no other girl could make him feel the way I made him feel, or treat him as good as I did.

 

So now after I cried all weekend thinking about him being with someone else, I've cried all day today thinking about how much I miss him. If it's not one thing, it's something else. I constantly think about him, and how things could have been different.

 

He really is a great guy deep down. He tried so hard to give me what I wanted. His problem was that the group of guy friends he's known all his life became jealous over all the time he spent with me, and started making fun of him. I think that's what hurt us in the end, the fact that they have so much influence over him. The first time that he called me to schedule our first date, the guys were in the background telling him he was whipped.

 

All of them are in their early 20s, but still have the groupthink relationship with eachother that high schoolers do. Only two of the other guys in the group are in relationships, and they don't treat their girlfriends right. (One of the couples has broken up and gotten back together several times, and the other couple is on the brinks of breaking up because of the way the guy treats his girlfriend) My ex was the best one of them all in how he treated me, but the guys had a lot of influence over him. He became really inconsistent in the things that he would say. He would usually tell me something when we were together, and then after he had hung out with the guys, he would tell me something else completely opposite. I think that their constant teasing of him eventually made him grow to resent how his love for me gave me so much power over him. Power isn't really the right word I want to use, but you know what I mean. I wasn't a demanding girlfriend.

 

Sorry I got so off-point and this was so long, I guess I just needed to vent a little. It just hurts. There's so much that I loved about him, and our personalities went together so well. There were just so many factors working against us.

[Strandysmommy]

I also know what it feels like to lose your purity to someone who you thought cared. When I let it go, I said to him; "it's because I know you're the one". And he said, "I'm so glad you feel that way because I feel that way too." Ohhh we had it ALL planned out. Our future our kids, yadda yadda. Then he, like yours just...dumped me like I was a disposable plate. He says "but I DID love being with you! Our relationship meant so much to me!"

 

It left me wondering what aspect of our relationship meant so much to him...the lust or the love? How much of the relationship did he preserve just so he could have his lusty cravings fullfilled? When he dumped me, I felt like such a chump. But hey, I'm supposed to be giving you encouragement! You know, I think we make mistakes in life and we learn. If you want to put a religious spin on it; if we ask, God will forgive. If God can forgive, then the real deal (that is, the guy you will marry) can forgive too, because he'll love you.

 

The End