Friends with Benefits?

[Colls]

Hey, yesterday I posted abotu how I gave my friend a hand job. Well today my best friend (girl) talked to him and asked him all these questions. He said taht hes not looking for a girlfriend right now but he likes me. And he also said that he doesnt get together with random girls, he doesnt get with many girls at all. Then Jill my best friend asked if he was thinking of like a friends with benefits thing, and he said he would love to do that but if I didnt want to then he would totally respect that and still would obviously want to keep me as a friend cuz thats whats important to him. He also said that he knows im not a girl who gives herself away ( that was my first time doing that ever ), and that he respects me and if he was going to get together with ne one to do things he would pick me. Then he asked Jill if I liked him, and she said ya she likes you, adn he said "just like?" and she explained how ive liked him for a long time. He already knew this, hes known for a long time.

 

Do u think that i should be friend with benefits? I really dont know waht that means, like I have such strong feelings for him that ne thing would be fine with me as long as im with him.

 

Also do u think theres a chance, that even if he doesnt want a girlfriend now that he will sometime, and he will want ot be with me?

 

Thanks

Colleen

[Mun]

I have such strong feelings for him that ne thing would be fine with me as long as im with him.

Hi there,

The way I see it if you have strong feelings for him and he does like you--then nix the idea of being a friend with benefits. If you go that route I'm afraid you will get stuck in that position because it's too easy not to have a girlfriend when he is getting what he wants anyway. Not to be harsh, and not everyone thinks this way, but why risk it?

 

I also recommend that you remember what it is YOU want and not give yourself away( even in this way) because you think it will draw him in or get him to change his mind...or hold on to him. I could be wrong but I believe that sex doesn't hold on to a man. Sex he can get anywhere...and sometimes a person can just get the sex and walk away anyway. It's no guarantee..

 

I hope you can make a wise decision. I do wish you the best.

[Vanilla]

Colleen

 

I strongly advice you to stay away from being friends with benefits. First of all because it always goes wrong, ALWAYS. Maybe if he were to be moving away and you'd never see him again then it would be ok. But trust me, something will go wrong between the two of you.

 

However, the fact that you said "i have such strong feelings for him that anything is fine as long as im with him" is a HUGE RED FLAG! BAD IDEA!!!

 

How would you like to maybe have a wonderful fun sexual night with him, and then next weekend he's with another girl doing the same thing? If you like him so much that you'll let yourself go through that just to be with him, doesnt it scare you to think what else you might let yourself do just for the sake of being with him??

 

if you want anything to ever develop (such as a relationship or so) with him you will not be friends with benefits. You know what that is? You're basically turning into a bootiecall. Men do not date or marry their bootiecalls. Men do not hold any affection or eventually much respect for the girl who is always there for certain things and thats it.

 

DOn't be that girl, especially because you have feelings for him. Friends with benefits is not a one night stand. Believe me 99% of the time it all goes sour before you know it and teh fact that you already have feelings for him, sweetie you're setting yourself up for some rough times.

 

so in one line, my advice : BAD IDEA, STAY VERY VERY FAR AWAY FROM BEING FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS!

[winkybear]

I dont think u should be friends with benefits in the hopes of getting together with him. What if he was in it for the sex only, and u get more n more emotionally attached to him ?

 

I think if u really want to pursue a bf/gf relationship with him, u should just be friends with him. Just show that ur interested. Be a shoulder to lean on. Wait till he's ready to have a gf too, then make a move to see how things goes between the two of u. If he doesnt want a gf, theres no point in u having hopes of getting together by being friends with benefits.

 

Personally, i think friends with benefits is just for the sex.

[Colls]

Just to clear thigns up a little, even tho it might not make the situation taht much better....I gave him a hand job, for like a very very short amount of time, the rest of the night was just cuddling. I liek the cuddling 100 times more than ne thing else. I was drunk when I gave him the hand job. Also I am a virgin and I would not give up my virginity to him, I kno that for a fact. I was with my last boyfriend who I loved with all my heart, for a long time and I didnt even sleep with him.

 

I just liked the feeling of being held by him and cuddling him, it was better than any kiss or sex could ever satisfy.

[Vanilla]

thats fine and dandy. cuddle with him all you wish. but do not give him handjobs, bj's or anything ANYTHING that is sexual. It is just a really bad idea. if all you had was a drunken stooper and you gave him a handjob, forget it ever happened and never do it again.

 

do not be his friends with benefits. cuddling and kissing is already enouigh to get more attached and still get hurt. if you add sexual stuff it will make it a million times worse.

[winkybear]

Yea i get the idea, but if he's not into getting a gf right now , theres nth u can do except wait... There's no point of being friends with benefits, coz u will be there to satisfy his needs, and not yours.

[Mun]

Well honey if this man likes you then he is going to keep being your friend and you will most likely end up cuddling again ( this time without the HJ).

 

Just because you did it once doesn't mean you have to do it again. It sounds to me like he cares about you--he asked how you felt about him remember?-so he will probably be ok if you say no to the friends with benefits thing. If he gets upset about that and doesn't talk to you or something... do you really want a friend like that?

[Amethyst]

...I liek the cuddling 100 times more than ne thing else...Also I am a virgin and I would not give up my virginity to him, I kno that for a fact...I just liked the feeling of being held by him and cuddling him, it was better than any kiss or sex could ever satisfy.

 

Keep in mind that the whole point of "friends with benefits" is to have sex and mess around. THAT is the (supposed) "benefit". It's not about cuddling and being held -- it's about sex.

 

Secondly, "friends with benefits" implies a 'no-strings' attachment. He's still free to see other girls and even sleep with them if he wants. (Of course, the same goes for you; but, your feelings for him dictate you'd never do that.)

 

Finally, for men, sex is physical and not emotional. Guys can do all these sexual things with girls and still have no meaningful feelings for them; while ladies get emotionally entangled and fall for the guys all the time.

 

If you aren't looking for a sexual relationship, then you don't need to head down that track. The fact that you have real feelings for him only reinforces that -- a relationship like that could only end painfully for you.

[DBL]

I agree with everybody.

 

I don't know your age, but I think you are too young to be friends with benefits. You won't be exclusive with him.

 

DBL

[tea]

I heard from some guy friends that friends with benefits are just friends with benefits. Even if they ended up chooosing a girlfriend the girls they're usually having sex with won't be on the list of choices.

 

It's hard to get out of the role of a friend with benefit once you're in it. If you like him then don't let something you're doing as a favor to him be in your way.

 

...oh, just cuddling doesn't mean you're friends with benefits. You should definitely stop on the hand job though. He has to know you're not easy and he can't get you that easily. He can't walk up to your door, knock for a hand job, and leave for a frat party after he's done with you.

[unnaturally_thin]

sorry everyone but i haveta disagree with you all on the "not for friends with benefits".

 

thats how me and my b/f started. let us got to know eachother very well. we just didn't have sex. cause we were both virgins and didn't want to give it up to just anyone. at the time i wasn't sure if i wanted to get with anyone. he wasn't too sure. but we just totally fell for eachother. now were a happy couple

 

so ya, sometimes there are benefits to "friends with benefits"

[JonnyG]

If u both felt the same way I would say fine, but its obvious that u really like him and he doesnt feel as strongly as u. Maybe all these "benefits" would change his mind, but i doubt that. I think he will just use u for sex when he feels like it, u will get more interested in him and he will just end up dropping u at a higher height.

 

Friends with benefits work if u both agree to it. This summer I was lucky enough to find a great girl and had a "friends with benefits" relationship. We had a great time together because we knew how each other felt and the circumstances suited us.

[Vanilla]

unnaturally thin, you're one ina million. im glad it worked for you, but i promise you it does not work in most cases and she'll end up getting hurt.

 

some people survive horrible accidents, but most dont. If I fell out of a building and survived that does not mean I would go and advice others to take a chance- that i sbecause I know MOST people are going to get really hurt.

 

its one of those situations, but im glad it worked for you.

[Amethyst]

unnaturally thin, you're one ina million. im glad it worked for you, but i promise you it does not work in most cases and she'll end up getting hurt.

 

Exactly. There are exceptions to every rule; and, you should realize you're the *exception* and not the rule. I've seen *numerous* cases of friends with benefits, and none of them have worked out that way.

[Colls]

Everyone keeps saying stuff about having sex with him. IM a virgin like i said and im not going to have sex with him. So he cant be using me for that, yes I would give him a hand job but he also was returning the favor that night in ways which i enjoyed. So just so everyone knows i would not have sex with him, i would never give it away that easy. And he told my friend that he has feelings for me, so its not like im guna be doing anything with some random person, or a friend that is JUST a friend to me.

[Mun]

This is the way I see it, and maybe it will put it in a different light for you Colls.

 

A friend with benefits is usually someone you get something from ( like a HJ) and there is no committment. So while he is getting a HJ from you, he could turn around and find some nice girl that he likes( but who might not want to give him a HJ) and he may take her out to a movie, dinner, and treat her special.

 

Meanwhile he will keep coming back for his HJ with you, but he won't take you out on a date. Now I'm not saying all guys do this, some guys don't and if he likes you already then he might take you out. What I would be worried about is falling in this little "death trap" of being a good time only girl and not getting treated with respect.

 

He already has feelings for you, you shouldn't need to give him a HJ in order to win him over. Now if you are ok with just being a friend with benefits then that is your decision of course, but if you want more then this is not the best way to go about it.

[Amethyst]

A friend with benefits is usually someone you get something from ( like a HJ) and there is no committment. So while he is getting a HJ from you, he could turn around and find some nice girl that he likes( but who might not want to give him a HJ) and he may take her out to a movie, dinner, and treat her special.

 

That's EXACTLY what I was trying to say.

 

Colls, you seem to have this mental block. It's almost like you're saying that if you agree to be FWBs, you'll be 'almost boyfriend / girlfriend' and will cuddle a lot more. That is NOT what FWBs are about. People have FWBs because they are interested in sexual pleasure but not in a commitment -- they get all of the 'perks' to a relationship without any of the things that would tie them down.

 

You say it won't be a sexual relationship; but, as we have already told you, "friends with benefits" IS a sexual relationship simply by its definition. (Even if you only give him handjobs, that is a SEXUAL act; thus, the relationship will be sexualized.)

 

If you were just looking to play around, it would be fine. But, don't think that it will get you any closer to being his girlfriend, because it won't. In fact, a lot of guys will tell you they lose respect for a girl when she agrees to being an FWB because it makes her look 'easy'. (I tried to use another word, but the censor won't allow it.)

[Colls]

He knows Im not easy.....but ne ways ok ill think about my "mental block"....it seems many people are very very opinionated and if you dont agree with them, then they jump all over you. From reading everyones responses I realized teh guys that each keeps talking about, is not like my friend at all. He's not like that , so I'll probly just take that from there.

 

Thanks

[Amethyst]

If you don't agree with me, that's fine. I have no problem with that. Whether you become his fwb or not makes no difference to me, as it doesn't effect my life in the slightest. I don't even know you.

 

I was simply saying that you didn't seem to understand what "friends with benefits" actually means, because it *is* sexual; and I felt you needed to understand that before you could make an informed decision. (I would hate to think of you going to the guy, agreeing to be fwbs, and then being surprised when he expects sexual things from you.) That's all that I was getting at.

 

Edit: BTW, here's the exact quote from your post that seemed to be asking for an explanation of the definition:

 

Do u think that i should be friend with benefits? I really dont know waht that means, like I have such strong feelings for him that ne thing would be fine with me as long as im with him.

[Vanilla]

Colleen

 

first of all, i am really curious as to how old you are??

 

like amethyst said, if you want to go ahead and do wahtever you want that is fine it does not affect my life in the least.

 

however you came to a support forum, and advice forum. now we're giving you this advice for a reason. if so many people are advicing you all along the same lines it must be for a reason.

 

You're so stuck on because you're not having sex with him (intercourse) that it is ok. Its funny how when we choose to be so blind we can overlook some stuff.

 

If this guy really cared about you and had feelings like he claims to, he would not ask you to be friends with benefits. Guys who really like a girl for more than hookups would not ask for that because they think of a girl in a much higher level. and please, do you really think he's going to say you're easy and talk smack about you to a friend of yours when he knows he can get soem from you??

 

Colleen, in the end you'll do as you please, but those are my last two cents in simply ADVICING you. Thats all. there is no need to get offended or frustrated.

[Amethyst]

Thank you, schatziek, for understanding the point most of us have been trying to make here.

[PAdreamer]

There ARE exceptions to every rule, but the point is whether or not the risks outweight the benefits. Are you willing to risk getting stuck in the position of "friends with benefits"? A position that was originally designed to fulfill a sexual craving, even if not EVERYONE treats it that way. There are so many risks involved in this scenario. If you both like each other, where is the harm in just cuddling and enjoying each other's company until he IS ready to get into a relationship? Why put that label on it? I think that this stage that you're in- cuddling and starting to show affection- is really your chance to prove to him that you are someone that he should want to be in a dedicated relationship with. Just because you like him doesn't mean you should compromise. Wait until you guys are really ready to have a relationship. Be patient... Things will work out better in the long run that way.