My niece, 33 and in new relationship, has persistent Ex...

[aprilflowers]

Hello folks. My niece was in a six-year relationship with a very smart, talented guy who could be a handful. He was moody - but exciting, original and very handsome, a musician and artist. He did cheat on her a few times, but they were inseparable mostly. They moved together to the 'big city' and broke up after a year when she just go too tired of drama and late nights...

She is now 33 and wants to get married, have a family and make a life for herself. She found another man who is very easy going, makes a good living and treats her well. They've been together a year.

Her Ex, though, had a change of heart, bought an engagement ring - and has sent her many dramatic notes and letters, photos and so forth. He seems very earnest. I know it upsets her and she has been on NC. She wonders if the Ex is really "the one", I think.

Any tactical advice for her? Thanks so much for your input.

[mhowe]

Doubt he is really earnest. Drama queens dont change...I think he may have watched too many romantic comedies where the dramatic gesture captures the girl. In real life, a woman who wants marriage and stability... goes for the stable guy. Or she.will wind up a divorced mom with a child.

[Edmund Exley]

Best advice? Offer none unless she asks for it. She is 33.

[Kendahke]

She already knows what her ex is capable of... and it's really nice he's had a "change of heart" and bought her an engagement ring, but what work has he done on himself that would indicate that he has addressed his need for cheating? You see, in the absense of him going through some therapy or whatever, all he really is doing is singing a really pretty song, with words she longs to hear, but his guitar is out of tune and the strings need changing. Now that he stands to lose her to a man who recognized her worth right off the bat and determined that she was worth being faithful and steady, he's finally opened up a can of act right? If she wasn't involved with anyone, would he be going through all of this?

 

I think that she needs to figure out if its because he stands to lose that he's doing this because she was always who she was--a woman of worth who was worthy of being treated honorably from the get-go and he chose not to do it until he became inconvenienced by her not being available.

 

My advice would be to stay with the man who knew her value from the get-go... and that would be with the man she is with now.

[lavenderdove]

So is he going to stop being a dramatic artist and musician and the late nights etc. that she couldn't live with before?

 

Just because he pops for a ring doesn't mean he's a different person or intends to turn into a stable guy and stop doing his profession and hobbies. It just means he's realized she's about to go off and be happy with someone else so he wants his toy back again. As soon as she dumps her steady beau and he gets bored again, he'll be right back to being who he is and cheating again.

 

I don't think she so much needs 'tactical' advise as much as 'practical' advice. She needs to assume that the only real difference she will see if she goes back to the ex is a ring on her finger... but he'll still be the same person. If she couldn't stomach his artistic temperament, late nights and cheating, i'd suggest she not go back for round 2 of the same.

 

At 33, if she wants to have kids, she'd better find a stable man soon who would be a good husband and father. If she doesn't care to have kids, then her choice is more open to how willing she is to take another spin in the bucket with her ex. if she wants kids and a stable home life, that choice to go again with him might be tragic.

[amipushy]

Best advice? Offer none unless she asks for it. She is 33.

 

I agree. Your role is to support her in whatever decision she makes, and to follow through with that support if/when itall goes pear-shaped.