My bf resents me

[jd21]

My bf and I have been together for 9 months. We are both in college, I am a junior, he's a senior. One of my best friends, who I've known for 10 years, asked me to go to her mother's wedding. I said I would months before my bf and I were evn together. It just so happens that the wedding is a day before my bf's graduation day. The wedding is going to be in the Bahamas so it's no close, location wise, at all. A few months ago I told him about it and it wa s avery tough decision for me but I have known my friend for 10 years so I felt obligated to go. He seemed to understand and promised he would never hold it against me. He told me to look at the big picture and that it's only one day. Well, the wedding is in the Bahamas on Saturday. The graduation is on Sunday. I looked for flights and there is no way I'd make the ceremony. I would get there taht night though. He seemed fine with it until last night when he told me basically not to bother and that the day will be over and that it wouldn't be worth leaving early and taking 3 flights and spending all this money. That really hurt me. He seems to be punishing me for what I did. I can't change the situation and I'm trying to make the best of it. And I thought that by flying in to see him on that day would be special, even though I know the ceremony will be over. I know that he's hurt by my decision but before I made it I confronted him and he was understanding. Why is this all coming out now? I love him so much and we have a great relationship but this is really tearing us apart. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help?

[Scout]

I remember you asking about this months ago, because you were concerned it might end up being an issue...glad to see you two are still together. Er, I was one of the people that advised you go to your friend's mom's wedding.

 

First, understand there was no right/wrong decision you made here. Seriously. It was one of those situations where either person could potentially have been offended, and you made the best choice you could based on many factors, including the fact that your boyfriend AT THE TIME gave his blessing.

 

That being said, I am not going to say your boyfriend is being wrong to now feel resentful. There is no right or wrong here. So here is how I would handle it, because most importantly, you want to smooth his ruffled feathers. I would tell him something along the lines of:

 

"I understand if you feel hurt I won't be there. In the future, you can be sure I will try my damndest not to miss an important day for you. I hope you know, despite this incident, how much I truly love you - and how proud I am of your accomplishment in graduating college. It's a day I'm sorry I'm going to miss, but I'd like to celebrate it with you when I come back. How about it if we go to ? It's my treat, and I really hope you'll say yes."

 

He will get over this eventually, try and take his grumblings as patiently as possible. Be understanding, don't let it draw you in a fight. I swear, guys get over this kind of stuff much easier than women do, so just listen sympathetically if he gripes/acts snippy (even if it kills you not to defend yourself!). He'll be fine. Just realize that these types of situations rarely occur, and when they do, you have to understand there are going to be hurt feelings on either side.

 

I think you made the right decision, because this was your best friend...and friends are forever.

[Celadon]

jd21, you made a good decision to stick with your previous decision. Changing your mind could have resulted in hard feelings with your friend, and you did your best to talk it over with your bf and he seemed cool about it.

 

Scout's right, though - there's no right or wrong decision, because both events are important.

 

The conflict with your bf: Well, he's finally being honest about how he feels. I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't, and it was a major pain. He would say "yes" I could do something and then act like "no" he resented me for it. Watch out for that quality - hopefully, it's only him getting emotional because it's his graduation and stuff.

 

Logically speaking, your bf is right about the three flights and rushing to get back. It would be easier for you to just stay till Monday morning or something, but if you don't mind leaving the Bahamas Sunday, that's up to you. It's very loving of you to try to get back the same day as his graduation. I hope he appreciates it.

 

Sounds like your bf just needs some assurance. If you have a good relationship and are thinking long-term, this type of thing shouldn't tear you apart. He needs to get over it, I think. Good luck!

[Maverick44]

Coming from a guy perspective here -

 

We may care that a person is not availabe for an important day but in the end, we'd understand. It's not like you set this day up while you were with him, right? Though, even then, you'd have had a tough choice to make.

 

I think you do what Scout suggested. Just basically tell him, " I wish I could be there. I want us to go out to ________ as a celebration for you!, etc...."

 

BTW, he might say stuff like......."Nahh, we don't have to do that.....but I think you should kinda surprise him with it anyways"

 

Best of luck!

 

Maverick

[DBL]

Maybe it is not just the ceromony that is bothering him. Maybe he is insecure about you going to the wedding without him.

 

I guess it is kind of too late to cancel your wedding arrangements. Anyway...you are not married or engaged. If you were I would say you didn't make a very good decision. You are only boyfriend and girlfriend, so that doesn't warrant any real commitments.

 

DBL

[Iceman26]

I agree with DBL.

 

The way he reacted kind of sounds like the way I would have reacted in the same situation. My translation of what he said to you is that it could be that maybe he really just doesnt want you to spend that much money and effort to see him graduate. I guess just try to look at what he said to you at face value.

 

Give him a call when you are in the Bahamas and tell him how proud you are of him, I am sure that would mean a lot to him.

[Cecelius]

Also have to chime in with Iceman and DBL (and Scout) but I thought this was a Male friend type post.

 

It's perfectly appropriate for you to attend a wedding with your female friend in the Bahamas since it was scheduled before he came onto the scene and because he said no problem.

 

In a moment of weakness, he may conclude that this means you like your friend/friends mom more than him (or that means more to you -- and maybe it does).

 

What I would do if you do like him that much is try to get back that early anyway. But yes, I think your actions are fine (and its probably fine for him to be disappointed)