Mutual Friends remind me of my ex...

[Ated]

I don't usually contact mutual friends of my ex, they usually cotnact me through fone, or internet. Occasionally, i also bump into them. The thing is, I wanna keep them as friends. I don't want them to think im such a dog. Just because me and my ex broke up, doesnt mean our mutual friends and i can't be friends...

 

Anyways, because they contact me and i bump into them and stuff, i hear about my ex and it hurts me... I mean, sometimes they just mention him unconsciously and stuff. And the thing is, i want them totalk about him so i look like i'm over him. Which i nearly am! I want them to talk about him so i get desensitised and all. But i dunno it just bloody hurts!

 

The other night, one of the mutual friends was tlaking to me, and someimes i think, maybe she does like me, BUT MAYBE... she is really out to 'get' me cos she is closer to my ex than myself... I just don't know what to do. Should i just block them on the internet, and not pick up their calls? If i do bump into them, just say a quick hi and go? Thats the advice i can tell myself...

[innocent_evil96]

Hey there, gosh i tort i was the only one with that problem. But its been two years since i broke up with my ex and i still see his friends around and yes, they do mention him but i dunno if they r doing it "purposely" or just "unintentionally". I had this prob like a year and a half ago, thinking, "hang on, am i still friends with them? Shud i b friends with them?" Gosh i was soooo confused!

But ANYWAYS, no matter what, they still remind me of him. I mean, i guess they are also in a position thinking the same. Its really a choice, if you wanna be friends with the ex's friends then u can, but you wont really get anywhere. Sooner or later you probably grow apart from them. And if you choose not 2 be with them, then i guess they will probably understand.

From personal experience, I wouldnt really be close to the ex's friends, an occasional hi, hows it going is fine. But besides, its just eventually become like this anyways, ive just grown apart from them. I just get annoyed when they mention his name coz the least i know about him, the better!!

 

[Celadon]

Geez, I can't believe that people talk about other people's exes like it was no big deal. Don't people know that it hurts? Or are they hoping that we've recovered (or wanting us to be recovered) so that we can feel normal again?

 

Just this week, I bumped into a mutual acquaintance and he told me how much he enjoyed spending time with me and my ex -- that was, like, TWO YEARS ago! I know it wasn't intentional, and the guy doesn't know all the bad stuff that my ex put me through, but from my perspective, it was, like, "Well I'm glad HE has good memories of my ex." LOL!

 

For you, Ated, I would suggest letting go of those friends. I hung on for awhile to our mutual friends, but I look back now, and I'm so much happier not to have ANYTHING to do with my ex. Really. They're nice people and all, but sometimes ya just need a clean break.

 

You can pick up those friendships later, if you really want to. Just be "busy" for awhile, and just say 'hi' to them but nothing more. Good luck.

[mahlina]

Hi Ated,

 

I think that it's safe to say that you can be friends with the ex's, but it's best to keep a distance. And, when you do, it's not your fault. Try not to feel guilty about it. If your ex's respect you enough, then they should also allow you the space to move on. If they don't, then they're either:

1. Too attached

2. Selfish

 

If the ex can't let go, then I'd say, talk to him whenever he does call, only to console him, but keep the conversations short. Let him know that you can still be a friend. It's not like ex's have to be enemies, right? Then afterwards, tell him that it's best not to keep in touch as much anymore. Let him know that you care, but just don't feel comfortable about being close friends again, not at least for the time being. Tell him that he needs the time to heal, and that you will respect his space, even if he doesn't want that space.

 

If the ex was the dumper and is too selfish to not give you your space (when I say selfish, I mean that the dumper already knows that he/she made a final decision about you. Calling up their ex's is just their way to fill in a void, and to toy around with their ex's emotions), then try not to feel guilty about telling them to stop calling. They really need to respect your space, especially if they broke your heart. And, if they can't give you your space, then don't feel guilty about blocking their numbers, disconnecting or changing your cell phone number, and blocking them through e-mail and/or through other alternative means.

 

My ex still calls. He leaves me messages on the phone, and tries to make me feel guilty for not picking up, but I tell myself: "Hey. He screwed up. He lied. He cheated. He abused. I don't feel guilty." So, whatever it is, if the ex was the dumpee, then be gentle, but do let him know that he needs his own space to heal. If the dumper calls, then don't feel guilty about telling them to back away. I'd be careful about their intentions if they're calling. If they call to keep things friendly, then tell them, "We can be friends. Just give me my space to move on. Thanks for understanding."

 

I hope this helps Ated. Life's too short to let the ex's ruin things for ourselves. Sever them off completely for now. Find yourself, and enjoy your life for the time being. Get on that diva attitude, and find time to pamper yourself. Get back into that hip mode, and realize that whatever they think, say, or do, doesn't matter, because from now on... life is better without them!

 

Hope this helps. Good'ay mate! -Mahlina O