looking for opinions/experiences

[indea08]

I'm having a baby girl in about 3.5 months (SO EXCITED!!). I'm 22 years old, I'm graduating from college in 23 days (felt good to type that with a Bachelor's degree in Nursing, I have a job lined up. Basically when it comes to becoming an adult, I have my sh*t together. I have a supportive, stable family behind that's fairly well off financially and very emotionally mature. I'm as prepared as I possibly can be for the baby in most ways. I have all the things I need, I have a plan for us for the next few years, I'm enrolled in all the childbirth/parenting classes. I feel I've done (or am doing) all I can to prepare.

 

The one area that I'm not prepared for is how I'm going to handle her daddy. He's 26 years old, two felonies on his record, a suspended license yet he continues to drive, thousands of dollars of debt from probation/court costs/bmv fees, works a minimum wage job, has a five year old from a previous relationship that he babysits every other weekend, lives with his father, has no savings...basically has none of his sh*t together, has no plan to get his sh*t together, and is more concerned with having fun with his friends. It's quite clear that he's going to have to struggle for the rest of his life and unless someone figures his life out for him, it's not going to get figured out. Why was I with him in the first place?? It wasn't supposed to be serious...his situation didn't really matter to me because we were just having fun...then the strip turned blue. I gave him a few months to show improvement. Encouraged him to go to college (which he did), and he qualified for a Pell Grant that covered his tuition plus he got a free $1000 back for each semester. He didn't take it seriously and flunked out, so now it's a debt he'll have to repay. I had to continuously parent him, not letting him drive to his friends house to go out with them (no license and they live in a college town where there's cops everywhere). He just has very, very poor judgment. I've also spent time with him and his son, and he's not exactly a good father figure. He'll play with the kid and loves him but he does a lot of things I don't agree with. Allowing a four year old to play Call of Duty, leaving him home alone (which is ILLEGAL) for an hour or so, letting him hit/kick others and laughing at how strong he is. The child calls him daddy, but he also calls his mom's boyfriend daddy, and if you ask him who his father is, he'll say his mom's boyfriend because that's who he lives with. I think that's awful.. It was a real struggle for me to keep my mouth shut. I mentioned earlier he lives with his dad. His dad smokes cigarette after cigarette in the house with no fan or windows open, he smokes weed every few cigarettes and will light it up in front of whoever. Not to mention the house is owned by deceased wife's daughter, who recently got out of jail, is a drug addict, and shows up every few weeks when she needs drugs or money and she's left her heroine needles laying around more than once. (My point is, her daddy can NOT every have her at this house, meaning if he wants to see her, he'll have to come to me).

 

Part of me feels that the baby deserves to have her daddy in her life, but I don't know how to allow that without having to parent him too. Meaning I'd have to call him and tell him to come see her, remind him that he can't leave her home alone, things that are common sense to me are not to him and that's scary. I want to tell him "save your money, get a place where you can raise your daughter, get your sh*t together, and then we'll talk." but I know he won't.

 

But part of me feels like "daddy" is someone who takes care of their baby and he has to earn that title. Just because he had sex with me doesn't make him a daddy, it makes him a sperm donor. He shouldn't act like a stupid college kid all the time and come around every now and then and act like he's some kind of parent to her, just because he spends a few hours with her now and then. Being a parent means providing everything, a bed, shelter, food, clothes, doctor visits, toys...and I know he won't do any of that. I know it's a few years off, but I also don't want my baby to growing up with him being her idea of a "daddy".

 

He/his family doesn't have money to fight me for custody, so basically the decision is mine to make as I please...and I want to do what is best for my daughter.. I'm just not sure what that is. I wish it was more black and white. What are your guys' opinions on this? Can you share your experience with similar situations and how it turned out?

 

Thank you.

[Edmund Exley]

indea - Im obviously familiar with your situation. Question for you, how is he with his son?

 

I would make it clear that the baby will not be brought into the house the father (her grandfather) lives in and be in the presence of all that smoke and marijuana

[pl3asehelp]

Do you plan on getting court ordered child support? Is he interested in supervised visitation? Def don't ever leave him alone with the baby. I'd see what he wants and decide from there, but I think he should be paying and see the baby in a

supervised setting on some defined schedule if he wants that.

[Edmund Exley]

Do you plan on getting court ordered child support? Is he interested in supervised visitation? Def don't ever leave him alone with the baby. I'd see what he wants and decide from there, but I think he should be paying and see the baby in a

supervised setting on some defined schedule if he wants that.

 

I'm guessing he will slowly lose interest and it will all take care of itself

[indea08]

Hi Edmund! I know you told me I'll sort of have to take things as they come...but "daddy's" going to come asking questions soon about last name, child birth classes, being there for the birth...I just feel so unprepared to handle that. I'm still mad at him for dumping all the responsibility on me and I don't want to handle this while I'm still mad, but it needs to be handled.

 

With his son...he's more of a babysitter. Lets him do things he shouldn't like stay up until 1 or 2 am, play video games rated 17+...he'll play with him and wrestle around and stuff (which is good) but doesn't draw the line between playing and bullying. If the child whines or continues begging to play games on the cell phone, "daddy" will smack his hands or mouth (which I can't stand). He allows the child to come to his house (where grandpa smokes in front of him AND the homeowner has smoked weed in front of him AND the child has found the heroine needles!). He loves the kid, he wants the best for the kid...he just has no business being a parent I'm afraid.

I've gotten advice from family on complete opposite ends of the spectrum so I'm hoping for outside, unbiased advice so I can compare and decide what's best...there needs to be a class for this

[Edmund Exley]

What do you think the situation with his son would be if the boy wasn't allowed to be in the house. Do you honestly think he would make the effort to go see him?

[pl3asehelp]

I'm guessing he will slowly lose interest and it will all take care of itself

 

I agree, but I'd be a bulldog about child support though, even if he never wants to as his kid. A kid costs an enormous amount of money and if he has to get ten jobs or go to jail I'd make sure he's meeting his financial obligation.

[indea08]

I'm not filing for child support. I'm well enough off that I can raise her on my own. I don't want him to help support her because the law says he has to. If he wants to help then things would be different and of course I'd let him see her then...but I'm not going to MAKE him...which means he won't be helping.

[indea08]

I'd also rather him use the little money he makes to get his life together so he can be a father than pay child support, go broke, stop paying, and end up in jail..I'd rather her daddy not be in jail

[becomingkate]

I've shared my story before, and will try to give you the abridged version.

 

I met John when I was 21 and he was 18. He told me he was 21, but I found out several months later that he was in fact, three years younger. I didn't see it as a red flag and we continued along.

 

Two years later I got pregnant. I found out while he was away working on the rigs, and he was very excited! He told me that when I picked him up in Edmonton, he'd take me out to celebrate and also get me some maternity clothes.

 

What actually happened was, him and his rig buddies wanted to drink, he gave me some cash and asked me to go shopping by myself. He said he'd pick me up at 6:30 pm and we'd go for supper. He didn't show, and by 8:55 pm I was freaking out! The mall was closing and he had our truck. I'd been sitting in the food court reading a book since 7:00 pm. Finally, he showed up and by then I was livid. There was no nice dinner and I cried the whole two hours back home.

 

When my daughter was three months old, we were very broke. I was just about to call the food bank for formula when he went and got the mail. His big brother had sent him a bday card and put $50 in it! I was so relieved. John went off the grocery store to get formula around 1:00 pm.

 

By suppertime, he had not come back. I went accross the street to an older lady's house and asked if I could use some of her whole milk because my daughter was hungry, and she gave me enough for that night and the next morning. He didn't come back that night.

 

The next day I called the food bank.

 

After we broke up, he cried and begged me not to "take his little girl away" and I acquiesced. But visits were never regular, sometimes she sat on the couch waiting for hours, all dressed up. When I finally tried to make her go to bed she'd say "but daddy's coming!"

 

He smoked in the car when she was with him. He withheld child support until I took him to court, and even then he tried to under-employ himself. As she got older, he got meaner with her.

 

She stopped seeing him when she was seventeen, when he kicked her out of his house and laid into her for being fat and too much like me. She's 24 now and she's doing better, but still refuses to acknowledge his existence.

 

My advice is to go for supervised visits, and if that goes badly then ask him to sign off on his parental rights. As a nurse, you will make enough to support her and then down the road, if you remarry, your husband can adopt her.

[Edmund Exley]

I agree, but I'd be a bulldog about child support though, even if he never wants to as his kid. A kid costs an enormous amount of money and if he has to get ten jobs or go to jail I'd make sure he's meeting his financial obligation.

 

There's a scene in the movie "A Bronx Tale" where C is upset and constantly chasing after a kid who won't pay him back $20. The local mafia boss Sonny tells C - "Do you like this guy, is he a friend?" and C replies "no he's a weasel" to which Sonny tells him "well there you go, for $20 you never have to deal with him again"

 

Sadly, the cost of child support may be the price of never having to deal with this deadbeat again.

[indea08]

If his son weren't allowed at his house, I think he'd make the effort to go see him every once in awhile, or if the mom called him to come. Which is not okay IMO.

[indea08]

@becomingkate: I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you and your daughter are doing well, and i hope she has an easier time of things. thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like supervised visits are the consensus. I'm okay with allowing that when he asks for it. I guess I will be giving her my last name...idk if I should let him sign the birth certificate...I guess since he can't afford to take me to court then there's no harm in letting him.

[becomingkate]

@becomingkate: I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you and your daughter are doing well, and i hope she has an easier time of things. thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like supervised visits are the consensus. I'm okay with allowing that when he asks for it. I guess I will be giving her my last name...idk if I should let him sign the birth certificate...I guess since he can't afford to take me to court then there's no harm in letting him.

 

I did put him on the birth certificate and she still holds his legal last name, but she usually goes by my maiden name when she get away with it. One year, she asked me for a legal name change for Christmas!

[pl3asehelp]

There's a scene in the movie "A Bronx Tale" where C is upset and constantly chasing after a kid who won't pay him back $20. The local mafia boss Sonny tells C - "Do you like this guy, is he a friend?" and C replies "no he's a weasel" to which Sonny tells him "well there you go, for $20 you never have to deal with him again"

 

Sadly, the cost of child support may be the price of never having to deal with this deadbeat again.

 

Well we have judges and police to deal with him, all you have to is make sure he knows where to deposit the check. I would not let him get off, but looks like she has a couple hundred grand to spare.

[indea08]

Thank you guys so much for your help.