Ex contacted me after 1 yr apart

[mhowe]

Well --- you probably won't have to worry about it because he won't call or text....just like this past weekend.

 

Don't say we didn't warn you.

 

You contacted him on the weekend because you hadn't heard from him. And when you told him you had plans for Sat. nite -- he said you could come over if

the plans changed...which they didn't. This is about nothing more than a booty call....but if you don't believe me...

[pnoy]

thank you for all your advice, i have no intentions of contacting him again, and yes he probably wont contact me again so ive lost nothing, i just dont get why he contacted me to start with why didnt he just go out and meet some one new, instead of getting in touch with me

[mhowe]

Because he expected the exact reply he got: yes, sure --- whatever is easiest for you.

 

New people take effort.

[pnoy]

so what happens if he does by some fluke get in touch then what

[itsallgrand]

I think he will contact you again. And it will be the same thing on repeat, unless you decide to respond differently.

[pnoy]

how do should i respond

[itsallgrand]

Differently. Instead of swinging the door wide open as soon as he says "hi", be much more reserved. Let him actually put some effort in to getting to talk to you and see you.

 

And if he doesn't, you won't be nearly so torn up about it either. Knowing you are doing the right thing for you.

 

You said "life is too short" and I agree....too short to waste bending over backwards for someone who can't even bother to show real interest in you.

[pnoy]

if he says can i take you out do i say no or do i go and be cool about it

[itsallgrand]

what do you think?

[pnoy]

Everyone on here seems to think they know whats best but when i asked advice i get none, i know you are saying i should say no to him but what if he is genuine and wants us to get back together and i dont give it a go after all there are plenty of other women out there he can go to

[Tanzi]

so what is everyone suggesting i tell him to piss off, he then says whats your problem i said i would take you out this week, then i will look the lunatic

 

That isn't what people are telling you to do. All you need to do is remain guarded, until you work out what it is he wants for yourself ... and you don't have to make yourself look like a lunatic by doing so either.

 

thank you for all your advice, i have no intentions of contacting him again, and yes he probably wont contact me again so ive lost nothing, i just dont get why he contacted me to start with why didnt he just go out and meet some one new, instead of getting in touch with me

 

Perhaps that is the reason why he contacted you. Perhaps a relationship has just ended or he has had difficulty finding someone new ... so, instead of moving forwards into the abyss of loneliness he may see before him, he is taking comfort by looking backwards. Maybe it has caused him to wonder what could have been or maybe, as has been suggested, it was a booty call.

[itsallgrand]

Everyone on here seems to think they know whats best but when i asked advice i get none, i know you are saying i should say no to him but what if he is genuine and wants us to get back together and i dont give it a go after all there are plenty of other women out there he can go to

 

I already gave you my advice. If you don't want to take it, that's your choice. No problem. But it was clear: be reserved, make him earn a spot in your life and your heart again.

 

Instead, you are driven by this fear that if you don't leap at his every move, that you'll push him away.

 

If he is genuine, he'll show you it and be more persistent than needing you to saying yes to everything he asks right away.

[Tanzi]

Everyone on here seems to think they know whats best but when i asked advice i get none, i know you are saying i should say no to him but what if he is genuine and wants us to get back together and i dont give it a go after all there are plenty of other women out there he can go to

 

You have actually had 35 posts of advice - and counting! I think you aren't hearing what you want to hear. We only have your posts to go on so all we can do is read between the lines. Sometimes it is easier for others on the outside to see what is really happening - or maybe we can talk from personal experience. You are too close to this emotionally. You are seeing what you want to see and you are hoping to hear what you want to hear.

 

It isn't a case of thinking we know what's best - we are just giving you our opinions on what this situation looks like.

 

The bottom line is ... do you think he is genuine? What was your relationship like? Was it a good relationship?

[freewill1234]

pnoy, being in a similar situation as you in the past, looking back at it now, I already knew the answers to all the same questions I asked everyone around me. itsallgrand is asking you a very valid question you must ask and answer for yourself.

 

Let me ask you this question ... Are you hoping to reconcile with him? Yes or No. If your answer is Yes, then you'll have to play the game to even stand a chance. If your answer is anything but Yes, keep on trucking and go NC again.

 

I truly believe that people can reconcile but both people have to want it as bad as the other. It can't be a one way street.

[ParisPaulette]

he said no i was out last night having a drink with freinds and lost my voice singing,

 

So he has money for that, but not money to take you out and yet wants you to conveniently come to his place. Please hon, make D sure this isn't just a booty call and an ego stroke then he goes silent again while you deal with the opened scars. Generally if they're intent on getting you back they put a lot more effort into it and don't play these weird conflicting games and things said that don't add up. I'd proceed with extreme caution and cool it personally since it doesn't sound like his intention is to actually get you back. Sorry, but that's what this sounds like.

[Tanzi]

So he has money for that, but not money to take you out and yet wants you to conveniently come to his place. Please hon, make D sure this isn't just a booty call and an ego stroke then he goes silent again while you deal with the opened scars. Generally if they're intent on getting you back they put a lot more effort into it and don't play these weird conflicting games and things said that don't add up. I'd proceed with extreme caution and cool it personally since it doesn't sound like his intention is to actually get you back. Sorry, but that's what this sounds like.

 

Yep. If someone wants you back badly enough they will make sure you know it!

[pnoy]

Iam starting to believe he is playing games because when i spoke to him on saturday i asked him are you getting a cold he said think so ive got a sore throat then he said oh its cos i went out last night drinking and was singing, i just dont know what to believe

 

i have always been honest in rlationships and dont like and dont know how to play these stupid games, so if he gets intouch i really dont know how to be or what to say

[bluevacuum]

It doesn't sound like you are his priority to be quite honest. And since you two have history, it further complicates things because you have HOPE. I wouldn't read so much into his verbiage but look at his actions.

 

If somebody really wants to spend time with you, they'd do it. If he doesn't have money, he'd borrow some or take you out to do something FREE. People are quite resourceful at doing things they want to do when they want to do it.

 

I think you should go back to NC and move on with your life until he SHOWS and PROVES otherwise.

[pnoy]

he said he wants to take me ou ton thursday, if he doesnt contact me should i text him saying what are you playing at why did you initiate contact then just push me a side or should i never contact him

[Tanzi]

he said he wants to take me ou ton thursday, if he doesnt contact me should i text him saying what are you playing at why did you initiate contact then just push me a side or should i never contact him

 

I would definitely NOT contact him under those circumstances. If he doesn't bother to contact you then you can assume that he never meant it in the first place and he is just stringing you along. People often string others along because they like knowing they have a hold over that person. So, no, don't let him know he has any hold of you.

[ParisPaulette]

he said he wants to take me ou ton thursday, if he doesnt contact me should i text him saying what are you playing at why did you initiate contact then just push me a side or should i never contact him

 

No, just ignore him and don't respond. You already stated earlier in this thread you didn't want to tell him piss off and have him think you were a lunatic, so don't give him that excuse. Just don't respond and then if he contacts you don't respond until you get an apology from him. If he never apologizes then realize it's his loss. If he does contact you, apologizes and asks for another chance then tell him you'll give him one last chance, he needs to tell you the when and where if he wants to see you and if he's not there or changes the time, date or anything else you are done. And make that promise stick--i.e. you are driving to the restaurant and he calls and say, "Sorry, I'm sick, Can we do this another time?" Tell him no, turn the car around and turn your phone off. Never respond to him again.

 

Sorry, I know you don't want to play games, but with a game player who says and does things at opposite ends of the scale all you can do is draw your own boundaries firmly in the sand, tell them those are the boundaries and your terms and then insist they stick to it. That's not game playing--it's called standing up for yourself and teaching someone else how you want them to treat you, not how you will let them treat you. The problem with letting someone jerk you around is they don't stop doing it until you tell them and then more importantly show them you aren't letting them do it anymore.

[pnoy]

Thanks parispaulette, but iam starting to blame myself for all this because when he contacted me and asked could he take me out, i said we dont need to go out because i didnt want him to spend his social security money on me. thats when he said come to mine and i will do you something to eat but he didnt say what day we should meet up which i think it was up to him to say when to go over to his house and so because i hadnt heard anything from him at that weekend, i made other plans, maybe he just expected me to turn up

 

I am just shocked he hasnt got in touch he sounded so happy that i responded to his message why the change of heart i really was going to text him saying why get intouch with me then nothing but i wont let myself do it for him to think iam bothered

[Tanzi]

You mean you're blaming yourself that he never followed it up? I think, that is just wishful thinking to be honest. You don't want to believe that he never meant it so you are looking for other excuses as to why it didn't happen but believe me, if this guy really wanted to see you, I mean desperately wanted to see you - and he knows you are willing to see him (which he does) - he would have followed it up to make more solid plans.

[pnoy]

Thanks a-little-blue, i know your right i just cant get my head around why he gets in touch telling me how much he misses me etc, then nothing how cruel some people are, i never once got intouch with him he initiated everything

[Tanzi]

Thanks a-little-blue, i know your right i just cant get my head around why he gets in touch telling me how much he misses me etc, then nothing how cruel some people are, i never once got intouch with him he initiated everything

 

Well I agree with you there. For reasons that we may never fathom out, our ex's often do things that leave us left wondering what the hell that was all about. There are no specific answers and, more often than not, it never leads to anything

 

Try not to wait around to hear from him. Put it down to experience and if he contacts you again out of the blue, don't fall for it because he really would be making much more of an effort than contacting you once or twice after a year if it actually meant something.