My mom is going through a divorce..wants to stay with me PERMANENTLY

[lilsmc]

Okay so my mother has decided to leave my dad (things havent been working out for them) I get that and i respect her decision. She has asked me if she could stay with me for a little while until she figures out what she wants to do. I told her absolutely as she doenst have any other family members here.

 

My roommate has been very supportive and understanding of the situation but after 3 weeks or so of my mom staying with us, my roommate has asked me what is going on with this living situation??

 

Meanwhile, my mom is telling me she would like to stay with us permanently and now i dont know what to make of this situation.

 

1. I moved out of my house because i wanted to be on my own and not tell anyone of my whereabouts.

This past weekend, I decided to stay over with my boyfriend..and my mom of course had a comment to make about that "You were gone all weekend"

 

2- My roommate feels a little awkward when she comes home and would like to hang out in the living room/ and my mom is there watching tv.

 

3- We have an open attic where we use as storage , so my mom was thinking that maybe she could move things around and stay there... as she really cannot afford anything on her own..

 

4- I told my mom that my roommate was starting to feel confused and wanted to know what was going on about everything. So my mom got mad at me and said I am kicking her out which makes me feel like such a terrible terrible daugther.

 

5- My roommate said to me "if you would like to have your mom stay here, thats fine - but i dont think i would feel comfortable living like this"

 

6- I love my mom very much and i understand that she is going through a lot and cannot afford her own place and has no where else to go. she is mad at me because she thinks im kicking her out and said she's done so much for me that she cant believe I am acting this way.

 

I am so extremely stressed out about this... I dont know what to do.

Please help!!! any advice would be very much so appreciated.

 

THanks!!!

[Seraphim]

I think your mom has to realize that this is not just your living space but your room mate's as well. It seems like she is totally glossing over that. I think all THREE of you need to sit down and have a talk. Your mom is putting you in an impossible situation.

[lilsmc]

yeah i understand that... but should i take my mom in and tell my roommate she needs to find another place? Because i feel like since my mom has no where else to go.. i should take her in?? and plus I am feeling like such a bad daugther and feel so guilty if i dont take her in? This is so hard on me.

[lavenderdove]

Do you own the house or rent? Lots of landlord's don't want extra people living in the house regardless so it might be against your lease.

 

Your roommate has a perfect right to want out if the circumstances change. Most people in their 20s don't want to live with their own mother, let alone someone else's mother!

 

Your mother made a choice to leave your father. But that doesn't mean that now you have to be reponsible for living with her and paying her bills for the next 30-40 years! If she's an adult and able bodied, she has to find a job and learn to live within her means. She can find an apt. and live with another woman her age as a roommate. It will also make it extremely difficult for you to find a partner and marry as most people don't want their mother in law living with them.

 

You need to sit down with your mother and go over her budget... what money she got in the divorce, any alimony she receives, what she could earn in a job, social security etc., then make a plan to find her a place living in a shared house with another person her age. You ultimately have to decide whether you're going to cave to her guilting you into bullying her way into your home. Tell your Mom you're a young adult and you need to experience life on your own rather than living with your mother indefinitely. Your mom needs to make friends and social connections of her own among her own peers.

[lavenderdove]

btw, be careful about taking her in permanently, or you might lose your BF as well... if he sees Mom is a permanent fixture and expects to live in your home forever, he may be gone rather than marry you because he doesn't want to live with and support your mother financially.

 

If she really wants to, she CAN come up with a plan to live on her own or with a roommate who is a peer in her age group. She just doesn't want to do that and prefers to have you support her. So she's traded your father for you rather than figuring out how to support herself.

[Seraphim]

I think your mom is playing on guilt. I also think that she is making your living arrangements impossible. She should not be putting you in this kind of position. I think you guys should have a talk about that. Can she not get on some kind of assistance and get her own place??? Also does she not have a spousal allowance?? If she has been married for many years in most places she is entitled to that especially if she spend years at home raising kids. Do they have low income housing she could afford? I mean I think you are great for taking her in and yes we should help family when they need help but she is totally using you as a port in her storm and not looking any further no matter how it inconviences you.

[agent1607307371]

yeah i understand that... but should i take my mom in and tell my roommate she needs to find another place? Because i feel like since my mom has no where else to go.. i should take her in?? and plus I am feeling like such a bad daugther and feel so guilty if i dont take her in? This is so hard on me.

 

You moved out to be an independent person. Letting her take over your living space would really set you back.

 

You've been very good to her already, but it's time for her to start sorting her life out. It sounds to me like she wants to re-create a sense of family, but that's in the past. Not just her marriage, but you being her little girl. She needs to start living like an adult and having an adult relationship with you.

[amipushy]

Don't feel guilty. As a mother myself, I know that a mother should understand that she needs to make a new life when her marriage is over and not impose on her children unless its an emergency. It sounds to me like she is afraid to face what's happened, and is avoiding the reality that she needs to start over but that is no excuse for not doing so or for guilt tripping you. If she cant afford a place of her own then she needs to get a job and support herself.

[lilsmc]

I am leasing the place. My mom does have a job but she doesn't make enough.

I talked to her the other day and said that my roommate was starting to feel uncomfortable and that maybe it was time to start looking for a place for her and that i would help her look. She agreed to that. I called a couple places and made an appointment to come look at a place. At the very last minute, my mom changed her mind and said she didnt want to go. I got a little upset and said "ma, we have to figure out what we are going to do about this" and she got very upset with me and she said "after everything i have done for you" and i dont know how to stress the fact that she really really has done so much for me...but i like how things were going (happy that i can finally afford to be on my own, have more freedom to do things, etc) ever since she said that she has stopped talking to me.. she wont return my calls/texts...

i am feeling like absolute crap and this is really affecting me in every level..

[Seraphim]

And she is doing that on purpose. I know she doesn't want to deal with divorce and having to live on her own but she really has to.

[agent1607307371]

Don't let her manipulate her. Yes, divorce is painful and awful, but she has no excuse for bad behaviour. And you aren't a mother so your kids can pay you back for it.

[Seraphim]

Don't let her manipulate her. Yes, divorce is painful and awful, but she has no excuse for bad behaviour. And you aren't a mother so your kids can pay you back for it.

 

Exactly that's not why your a mom. You are a parent to raise independent responsible children who become adults. Not so you can run and move in with them when you've a problem.

[alcide]

why can't yu move out of the house , live the place for your room mate .. and get another place with your mom, or put a tv in your room so your mom can look at tv as she pleases....

[HeatherB]

You said you're the only family member she has "here." Are there other family members elsewhere she could stay with? People with a little more space and a spare room or guest house?

[HollyD]

You should get input from you roommate. See if she is okay with sticking around while you give your Mom a deadline, say three months or so, to get a place of her own or for your Mom to find a roommate. If she can't afford a place of her own then perhaps she needs to get a second job to make ends meet as many divorcees do. As a parent we are supposed to do things for our children without expecting anything in return, dont feel guilty for wanting your own life. Set a deadline and stick to it.