Introducing " Hopeful Heart "

[Hopeful Heart]

Hi all,

 

My name's Teleea, but online I am known as Hopeful Heart.

 

I want to share who I am with the world. Here is just a lil bout me.

 

I am sixteen but have been forced to grow up and mature quickly due to my upbringing.

 

My upbringing wasn’t the best but I believe I made the best of what I was given. I am the oldest of four children and am currently living with my mother and stepfather (my biological father was a ****ed up loser who committed suicide when my mother dumped him for being abusive).

 

I believe I am a strong person, not only because of what I have survived in my life, (abusive upbringing, moving to different schools, miscarriage survivor, cutter, and victim of depression and anxiety) but the fact that I have actually thrived and succeeded.

It’s no secret that I suffer from depression I talk about my mental illness online a lot because I don't talk about it in real life. It is a great release for me to be open about it somewhere, without the backlash I would get in real life.

 

I worry a lot about many things (I have made myself very sick with worry and my doctor no longer asks me what is wrong, he asks what's bothering me). I have been told by almost everyone I know and meet, that I am way too hard on myself. I can never settle, I want more, I want better. Once I reach a goal, I want to surpass it. Not to please anyone but myself.

 

Sometimes I think a bit too much and don't take criticism well even if it's constructive. My mood swings faster than you can think. And what I think about myself today can be very different from tomorrows.

 

On days that my depression isn’t overwhelming I am a nice person, always trying to help others. I always want people happy and smiling. I aim to be the girl that can brighten up anyones day even if I can’t brighten mine.

 

I like to describe myself as bursting with awesomosity, but most people don't believe me. I try to tell them that awesomosity isn't something that can easily be seen, but that it is extremely subtle and only those that are highly attuned to the forces of nature can sense such a force of awesome. Hehe kidding.

 

I am authentically myself and comfortable in my own skin. I love humour and I'm a good follower as long as they are going the way of my inner-moral-compass; then we part paths. I'm honest, eccentric, joyous, peaceful, excited about life, and living in every moment of everyday. I am a passive person. I am sweet. I think I am kind and gentle, not meek, but brave.

 

I am a very good, loyal, trustworthy friend to the end. I have more than 10 solid friendships that have withstood the test of time. I am also a hopeless romantic and sentimental as all get out but when I love, it's passionate and deep. I am a very caring person, I don't like violence, but you hurt someone I love watch out. Family always comes first before anything.

 

I cry at happy things and sad things. I used to hide it but I don’t anymore. I get angry when others are hurt or taken advantage of. I relax by reading, watching TV or playing FreeCell. I like to bake, I am especially good at cookies and muffins; I am currently exploring bread baking.

 

Last but not least, I am funny, witty and have a goofy sense of humour. That doesn't come accross in this forum, but I am. My friends think I am hilarious. Just in case you wanted to know. I sit here and read your posts and laugh like hell. You all are funny. And I love it when you get sarcastic with each other.

 

I am always willing to lend a helping hand and when the chips hit the fan, I will carry you all on my back and make sure no one gets hurt on my watch. Despite the fact that at times I am heavily depressed I am always hopeful. (Reason for the name Hopeful Heart). I hope that one day I will get live the life I so desperately deserve.

 

I like parts of me and I dislike parts of me. Every day it's different and I'm working on it. That's all we can do right? Keep on going and trying to make the best of it.

 

Xoxo Hopeful Heart.

[Hopeful Heart]

I will upload different stories of mine, from time to time. So just keep an eye out for the name HOPEFUL HEART

[Zulnex]

Hopeful Heart, I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through. I understand how you feel since my childhood was also difficult and depression overwhelms me often.

You are really a wonderful person and your comforting words mean so much to me. I will pray for you.

[Hopeful Heart]

Thanks Zulnex. Stay strong for me okay.

 

xoxo Hopeful Heart

[Hopeful Heart]

He came into my life

when I was just a little girl

I was happy and young

And then he changed my world

 

One night I was in bed

And he came to say goodnight

except he took a little longer

before he turned out the light

 

He really hurt me that night

And I didn't know what to do

I thought it happened to most

well every little boy and girl

 

I lay in bed that night

Hurting inside and out

tears streaming down my face

I tried hard not to shout out

 

I put that tragic night

to the back of my head

playing games at school

there was nothing to be said

 

A year had passed along

and then it happened again

My mum was out at work

it was him and me again

 

I was sat next to him

just watching the TV

when he pulled me close to him

and again molested me

 

I thought it only happened once

When I had done something bad

but now I knew I was wrong

I felt alone and sad

 

And 8 years on I got

the courage to tell someone

the police got involved and stuff

I was hated by my mum

 

she kicked me out that day

and stuck right by his side

saying I was attention seeking

and that it was all lies

 

so in the end it got too much

and I told the police I lied

everything went back to normal

I swear I wish I'd died

 

everything was going well

until he sent me those texts

saying he would kill himself

it was all my fault instead

 

so I went back to the police

and told them it all again

he's moved out for now

its investigating time again

 

but my mum still hates me

and thinks its all a lie

I feel so alone right now

I wish I would just die

 

I've told a couple of friends

but its hard for them you see

to put up with something as stupid

as a teenager like me

 

all I do is mope and cry

because no-one understands

what I feel inside each day

please someone take my hand

 

I cut myself sometimes

When the pain gets too much

I hate him for what he did

and where he used to touch

 

I often think I'll run away

or step into the road

my future seems so black and dim

I'm only 17 years old

 

And if the case is dropped

he will come back home again

and I'll be back to where I began

In a world of sadness and pain

 

I hope someone hears my cry

and says they understand

I just don't know what to do anymore

I'm scared and on my own

 

So you see I'm stuck forever

I just want to scream and shout

But there's something you have to know

That for me, there's no way out

[Hopeful Heart]

It feels like forever since I wrote anything down. The therapist told me to keep a journal to help me organize my mind. Because of this mess that I call my life, I don't stick to anything much. The pain and the anger rest in my being, like a thorn in one’s flesh making for a hellish existence.

 

 

The last few nights I did not sleep. My thoughts were flying through my head like race cars whining around the beaten track, not stopping to rest. I thought about my life, my family, the pain. I wish my grandmother could come back to life. She never believed me about Uncle Ned. How Uncle Ned would try to touch me inappropriately and come into my room at night, his breath fetid with the smell of alcohol. I miss her and want to tell her that I loved her despite everything.

 

 

I wished my uncle would vanish like the magical characters in my childhood storybooks. Mum would read to me at nights and I remember clearly her sweet voice. But my father repeatedly silenced that voice into nothingness, planting his hands in violent fury on her face, arms wherever he could; his senses dulled by the very demon that plagued Uncle Ned. Alcohol.

 

 

I know the lure of the bottle can be great. I have fallen prey to the heady feeling it brings. Like an evil saviour. It dulls the deep intractable pain making you forget if even just for a while. Then as quickly as the feeling comes it vanishes like a thief in the night leaving you to plunge even more deeply into the depths from which you just emerged; and then some.

 

 

But the pain must go. So you cut yourself on the arms in the quiet of your room. If you feel the pain physically, then it will somehow go away. But it never does. You want to die but you don't. So you take some pills just enough that they will find you and the bottle and take away the pain for you. But no one does and you are left helpless against the onslaught of the pain.

 

 

Tyler and I broke up again. He thinks I'm too needy and jealous and I talk too much. He is tired of me he says. ...repeatedly. But I can't help it. I call him back crying. We make up and then it’s the same thing all over again. I want my mother. I want to talk to her. But she is always too tired to speak. She often wishes she were dead. She does not take the medications. I hate bothering her. She seems tired... and tired of me. I sometimes feel that she doesn't want to see me very much.

 

 

I often wonder, will I get married? Have children? I saw Chelsea the other day. Do you remember her? From my high school class? She always had it together. She has a boyfriend now with 2 children. She had the baby with her. I felt like crying and I did just that. Chelsea felt sorry for me and hugged me. It was great because Chelsea cared. I wish I had my own baby here.

 

 

It would be great if I could go back to work. I’ve been off for a year now, I can’t seem to get it together.

 

 

Everything is so difficult. Everything I try to do never work out. I still don't have my driver's licence. I’m 17 I probably should have it.

 

 

I hate my therapist. When I started seeing her, she seemed like she wanted to help me. But then I became too much for her and once I heard her telling her staff not to book me an appointment at certain times of the day. She didn't know I could hear her. But that's how it is with everyone; they become frustrated with me after a while. I used to overhear them at school talking about how I'm easily overwhelmed and disorganized.

 

 

One girl said I talk too much. I got into a quarrel with this guy once. He made my life very difficult after that. So did everyone.

 

 

I hardly have any friends and the ones I do have well they feel that I'm not getting better. But I am… slowly.

 

 

The last few weeks have been hell. I've been in that hell hole called a hospital because I took those pills.

 

 

But now I’m home. The doctors aren't sure what's wrong. One says its bipolar disorder; another says I have a borderline personality. I hadn't heard of that before but since he mentioned it I it searched on the internet.

 

 

I see what he means. I have had mood swings forever. A third says I am very anxious. They have given me every type of drug they can think of. Seroquel is the latest. I like it. It makes me sleep better at nights.

 

 

I have a lot of pills. They all help me feel better in different ways; but my dear, they never take away the pain.

 

 

 

 

 

Until next time stay Hopeful,

 

 

Sincerly, Hopeful Heart

[Hopeful Heart]

Don't tell me that you understand

 

Don't tell me that you know

 

Don't tell me that I will survive

 

How I will surely grow.

 

 

 

Don't tell me this is just a test

 

That I am truly blessed

 

That I am chosen for this task

 

Apart from all the rest

 

 

 

Don't come at me with answers

 

That can only come from me

 

Don't tell me how my grief will pass

 

That I will soon be free

 

 

 

Don't stand in pious judgment

 

Of the bounds I must untie

 

Don't tell me how to suffer

 

And don't tell me how to cry

 

 

 

My life is filled with selfishness

 

My pain is all I see

 

But I need you, I need your love

 

Unconditionally

 

 

 

Accept me in my ups and downs

 

I need someone to share

 

Just hold my hand and let me cry

 

And say "My Friend, I Care."

[Zulnex]

Hi Hopeful Heart. I would just like to say - I care.

 

Indeed, alcohol is like an evil saviour. My father thought of it that way as well.

 

Sending you hugs. I will be praying for you during my evening prayers.