I can't figure out what's wrong with me

[dark angel9]

I have never been in a relationship with a guy I really wanted. Allow me to explain.

 

I am in my 30s. I have had 3 LTRs and have been engaged once (4 years together). However, in all those relationships I "settled". I never really felt passion for these men but I got attached after awhile and felt some affection. It always started the same. They would pursue me, I would be lukewarm. Eventually, I got comfortable with them and we drifted into a committed relationship. I always knew at my gut level that I wasn't in love and that there is huge piece of the puzzle missing for me. At the same time, since I could never have men I truly wanted, I convinced myself that this is what people do. They make do with best option available to then. I was always loyal and committed girlfriend. I took care of them when they were sick, I never strayed, I always comforted them, sexually pleased them. I went through the motions, but it felt empty. Then I would start picking fights out of sheer unhappiness and basically sabotage the relationship. They all ended up leaving me and I always felt relieved.

 

Now, I have felt truly attracted to the number of men in my life. Maybe 10 or even more. I mean the butterflies, passion, can't stop thinking about them. It always followed more or less similar pattern. I would meet them through friends or work. I would develop secret crush on them but didn't want to act desperate. I saw some signs that there were interested in me. Typically, they would initiate talking to me more and getting closer. I would reciprocate and get my hopes up. Some stayed on friendship level, others asked me out. It never went beyond 1 month of dating with any of them. Somehow, I failed to captivate them and I am not sure why. I don't go for best looking or most popular guys. I almost wish they never showed an interest in me. Yet, they did and then they lost it just as quickly.

 

Just by sheer luck and numbers, I would think that by now, I would have at least 1 reasonably long relationship with mutual attraction. Yet it didn't happen.

 

It seems to happen to other people. Am I really this unlucky? Is it something else?

 

I refuse to have another relationship with a guy I am not that into. And it's not that I like unavailable guys. I was always over the moon when I thought there was a chance for a relationship with any of them.

 

Basically, if I waited for mutual attraction, I would be over 30 with zero relationship experience. Something seems terribly off here

[Stay_home]

It seems to happen to other people. Am I really this unlucky? Is it something else?

 

I refuse to have another relationship with a guy I am not that into. And it's not that I like unavailable guys. I was always over the moon when I thought there was a chance for a relationship with any of them.

 

Basically, if I waited for mutual attraction, I would be over 30 with zero relationship experience. Something seems terribly off here

 

It's not that you're unlucky, but as you admitted you keep on dating men that you aren't really into. Then you find yourself unhappy later on down the road and set fire to the relationship. So it's something that you're doing to yourself. Once you put away the matches dating will get better for you.

[Cherry009]

I think i am similar to you (except i dont go out with the guys that i am not really into-so have never had a long term relationship) but i do have 1/2/3 month dating spells with guys i am really into and then they lose interest. I also have guys interested in me (who i am not interested in) and they hang around for months/years in the hope that i will become interested in them. Perhaps it is the way we act around those who we like and those we are not interested in. Perhaps we should act with those we like how we do with those we dont like, then they will stick around lol. I dont know. I am glad i am not the only one. Just dont ever settle.

[Batya33]

Could it be that you are mistaking the butterfly feelings you get from pursuing someone who doesn't seem to reciprocate with the true feelings in a healthy relationship? I bet you created drama in your "settled" relationships because you got more turned on during the fighting than when things were complacent.

 

I agree that you shouldn't continue to date guys you aren't that into . But also explore whether you're going too far in the opposite extreme and convincing yourself that the feelings of unrequited interest/love and the drama of "will he call" are what you're "supposed" to feel. I wonder, if you actually won over a secret crush person would you then get bored?

 

I speak from experience and I wouldn't be married today if I hadn't internalized what was healthy v. what was either settling or chasing unavailable men.

[Slimpee]

OP, i have a similar issue so im tagging in here.

 

Does it just feel like the people you date a great catches but you know your gut is telling you that it's not going to be serious?

[happpybear]

Basically, if I waited for mutual attraction, I would be over 30 with zero relationship experience. Something seems terribly off here

 

well this is not entirely true, you spent most of your twenties staying in RS with the wrong guys, had you have tossed these guys aside earlier you may have met a guy and had mutual attraction back then.

 

I agree that you should avoid settling once again, but i don't know if you have internal issues causing your problem or if it just a simple case of not having met the right guy yet. That is possible too.

[Lambert]

I think the problem stems from sticking with guys you know you aren't into. If you end things sooner, maybe you would meet someone you share a spark with equally. Also, I think it's quite normal for the spark to fizzle out for one of the people... True love is rare and special. That's why we call them "the one"

 

I don't believe there is only one person for each of us, but it is special enough that it doesn't happen with everyone.