Just feeling lonely...

[star554]

Hey everyone,

 

I've posted about my now ex-boyfriend on here before but what can I say? Three months later, and I'm still dealing with it.

Long story short, we dated for 2 yrs on and off after which we didn't speak to each other for a few months. We started talking but it was still kind of destructive; we were fighting, not entirely happy. The truth is he had changed quite a bit because of new friends and company and I discovered later that he was intentionally playing games with me. This lasted for a few months until I completely walked away from him. Soon after, he said he wants a relationship with me and I still had feelings for him despite everything and said yes. We dated for about 6 months until it was time for him to go back to college (after doing some internship for a while). I guess it could've worked out but he told me point blank that he'd likely not have time for me because schoolwork and friends came first; this made me feel like I wasn't important to him so I called it off. For a week or so, he was back to playing his games with me even though he knew I wasn't over the relationship. But when he messaged me actually showing concern for me, I was really happy. I wanted it to work and I also wanted him to make time for me too. For the next few months, we started this physical relationship (which he claimed was also emotional). He didn't want to give this relationship a name. There was a cycle in this relationship: I'd visit him every few weeks and after each visit I wouldn't hear from him for another week or so. And to be honest, it didn't feel emotional at all... This is silly but he'd have problems with little things like holding hands. The point is that he avoided those small intimate details. A week of no contact, followed by slow distant conversation... that's how this would work. I'm currently on the slow distant conversation step, the one I feel like I have to force conversation. Every bone in my body tells me that feeling like this is just not worth it and that it's not suppose to be this hard. But everytime he has to say one word to me to pull me back in....

 

I guess I'm scared of calling it quits because atleast I have him sometimes (as sad as that is). If I were to do that, he might never be a part of my life. And while writing this post, I realized just how unhappy I am with this and how lonely I feel right now. What do you think?

[pumpkinmoon]

You need to end it. It is CLEAR that he is using you (for sex?), he disrespects you by openly admitting that he had been playing games with you. What more reason do you need? BUT having said all that, I know how hard it is to walk away from people we want to keep in our lives, you just need to get up the strength to do it.

 

He has you wrapped around his little finger and he knows it. I can see no good coming of this situation. If you let it, it will just carry on as it is until he finds someone else he actually wants to be with or feels the need to play with. Do you know if he is seeing other people even? My guess is, yes he probably is.

 

I think you know what you need to do. If you can't do it now or just yet, there will come a time where you just cannot take anymore, the pain of the way he is treating you will far outweigh the pain you will feel of losing him and that will give you the push you need hopefully.

 

You say you are afraid of him never being a part of your life. Give yourself some space from this and get your emotions in order, then it should be clear to see that really, you don't even want a person like this in your life.

[star554]

Thanks for the reply. And I feel that way now... it's too hard to handle this pain every time I see him. Moving forward, do you think I should confront him? Or just walk away without another word?

[pumpkinmoon]

I was in a similar situation although I think he had different things/reasons for the way he was acting and wasn't deliberately messing with me. So this is why I know it's just such emotional turmoil.

 

In the end I told him that I could simply no longer do it and that basically I was looking for something more (as in a proper relationship) and before meeting that person I needed some time alone to sort things in my life out without having this situation clouding it. I just could not take it any more, it was actually more depressing in a way than going through an actual rough break up. It makes you feel worthless when they make you feel as though you are not good enough.

 

Like you, I didn't know how to handle it either. I tried ignoring him at first but that didn't work and I would always buckle and reply eventually so I think telling him would be the best bet for you. At least you have said what you wanted to say, let them know that you have taken control of your own part in the situation and are no longer willing to continue with it. If you need any help finding the right words I can help in anyway I can.

[DonDraper32]

I'm there with you both.

 

All relationship advice is based on someone not wanting to be with you anymore, but none of it is based on that person leaving you, stringing you along, and trying to force a fake relationship on their terms. It's nearly possible to ignore somebody you want to be with, especially when they're showing interest, real or not.

 

I wish I had advice for you, but after two months, me and my ex just initiated No Contact and I'm dying. Can't eat, can't focus on work, won't be able to sleeo, Just know that you aren't the only person in this situation.

[star554]

Thanks pumpkinmoon and I think I just might need help in figuring out what to say when I'm ready to say it.

 

And Don, I just read your story and that's really sad And before I couldn't find the words to describe it but I think that's exactly it. You cling on to whatever is left because they give you hope that it'll work out even if you know that it's false. In my head I keep looking back at the relationship we had 2 years ago and keep running scenarios of what I could've done to make it different now. And another thing I do is look forward a year or 2 from now trying to convince myself it'll be different. But it's been like this for the past few months.. what makes me think it'll change now... Besides, even if it does, am I going to forget whatever it is that he's done. You can forget what a person has done but it's very hard to forget how they made you feel. Just hang in there; I've heard it gets better.

 

Despite all this, I don't have the guts to actually say goodbye just yet. I'm just thinking about dissappearing for now; maybe he'll notice?

[pumpkinmoon]

You will indeed do it when you are ready. This is the thread I posted at the time when I was looking to put an end to it. Hopefully it will be of some use to you...

 

 

[DonDraper32]

That might be a good idea, just stick to it, even if he texts or calls you.

[pumpkinmoon]

Yes to the above but ignoring can be hard, especially if you are not an ignorant person. I tried it and failed. But when I had made up my mind I did manage to distance myself. I would ignore say 80% of contact then cut it short. That kind of thing can make it easier but does drag it out. Easier though if you are not ready to tell them you have come to the end of the road yet.

[star554]

You know what really gets to me? He hasn't thought to talk to me for a while but new photos keep being added to facebook of him partying and having fun. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to pause life on my account but still... I figured maybe just maybe even he is a little sad not talking to me? But then again, if he wanted to, he could have tried. And well, he hasn't. Promise to self: no more fb stalking either.

[tryharder83]

do that promise Star.. i beg you. easy said than done, but stick to your gun "NO FB"

 

..do that for you., let him do what he needs to.. we each cope differently. that's what works for him.. and clearly keeping tabs on him is not doing you any good now. its going to be hard, expect that.

 

get in touch with your self-preservation mode asap. innocent checking on fb might be harmless now until its not. read on here you can see alot of instances where people. regretted ever doing it

[progprof]

NO CONTACT! Don't confront him, delete all his contact information, block his texts and phone number. I know it's tough, but you have to heal and move on. I've been through it the past five weeks, and it makes your healing time so much faster! Believe me!

 

He doesn't deserve to talk to you, let alone be near you. So cut him off!

[star554]

Hey everyone, thanks for all the support.

 

Just keeping you posted. I last spoke to him two nights ago and it went terribly. We live a little far away (so possible to see each other once a week but not daily). I had had a rough day that day and just wanted to hear him I guess. So I called and he didn't answer. But he called back a few minutes later and something made me ask him to talk on skype.

 

He sensed I was upset but didn't seem to care why. He was very casual in that whole conversation saying "I'm not in the mood for skype but I don't mind talking for a few seconds." I mean even if it's your friend, don't you have the slight impulse to ask why they're upset and if you can help? And before this, I had left him alone, I hadn't even brought up anything about being upset. I had always put on a brave face and laughed and smiled when we talked... so I don't feel like I was nagging him then. And how much effort is it to log onto skype if you're already on the computer?! We had a short conversation and I brought up some things that were bothering me, mainly that he's never available or when he is, he prefers to do something else.

 

He told me that I had too many expectations -- that he doesn't like calling, skyping, texting, fbing, emailing, anything! He's "cool with" hanging out though. According to him, I should be thankful that he atleast replies every so often. Moreover, he didn't hook up with any girl (on account of me) even though he went clubbing with his friends the night before. Somehow, I don't think all this is fair justification, do you?

 

I think after we hung up the phone I reached that breaking point that was mentioned before in this thread. It's when you just say, I can't take it anymore and I need to move on. I didn't even tell him it's not working out or goodbye or anything because honestly, he's probably just never gonna listen or actually care. I don't think I can even tolerate having that conversation anymore; it's so frustrating to say one word to him ... he never cares enough to listen. And I don't want to give him and his friends satisfaction and a good laugh anymore. I am done.

 

I have been NC but yah, I've looked him up on fb since then too. I've broken down every time I tried to do NC before this because he eventually called or something. But I think this time, I've stopped imagining a future with him and don't have an ulterior motive of getting him back. Cross your fingers for me that this is over for sure this time.

 

 

I'm really grateful for all the support I'm getting while I do this.

[lemondust]

star554, he said you should be thankful that he at least replies every so often?

 

*not impressed face*

 

You deserve better than this...taking crumbs and insulting crumbs at that off a man who is probably not worthy to kiss your shoes.

 

Grab a hold of your dignity, hold your head high, and don't give this person a minute more of your time. Perhaps if he grows up and learns how to treat you with more decency and respect, then maybe....but even then, would he deserve it?

[surfjon]

Stop checking facebook, deactivate if you have to....it's the first thing I did....