Alienating myself from my parents, who is in the wrong?

[Rockchick26]

I realize that the answer to this will depend on each person, but I wanted to see what the general consensus is. I've had problems with my family for over 20 years and it's coming to a head and I need advice. One of my best friends keeps telling me the problem is me, she says i'm being ungrateful and unloving. I say I'm in survival mode trying to keep my sanity, and get rid of toxic people from my life and only surround myself with people who make life go smoothly not miserably. So here's my story;

 

I am 40 years old, so I am definitely old enough to be a capable independent adult for many years now. But my parents treat me like i'm a frail, incapable teenager.

 

The main problem is with my dad but lately it's been my mom too, for different reasons. So my dad, ever since my parents divorced in 1990, has increasingly gotten super controlling, judgemental, & verbally abusive. EVERY time we talk, there is an argument of some kind. He demands that I keep in touch with him (WAY too often for my liking), so I can't stop the contact or he'll just be worse the next time (I know, I've tried, everyone has). He is also like this with my brother, and he was verbally abusive to my mom which is why she left him. He has had a girlfriend pretty much since that happened, but even she has to stop talking to him for months at a time sometimes. She tells him the way he is is driving people away. So it isn't that he doesn't know how he's being. He just doesn't care and still continues to belittle us, try to control us, judge us, and spread his negativity to everyone. So, as each year goes by and he gets worse, I have been pulling away more and more. I took a job in another state so I am gone for 6 weeks at a time, thinking the space from him would help, but it's gotten worse now because he will call me every 3-4 days and if I don't answer, he'll leave a message saying to call him. I work 85 hours a week and they are overnight hours so I am literally hardly ever up and able to call when he's up, yet he still doesn't understand this after i've had this job for 9 months, and he still gets mad when I am not able to answer my phone. When I come home, I only have a week to take care of errands and other work-related business, and my days quickly fill up, and he gets mad when I can only devote one day to him.

 

Now, onto the problem with my mom; She's the opposite of my dad, she is one of those people that is too nice. She is TOO nice and caring, and often comes off as desperate to get people to like her. I live with her but only because I work out of the state so it makes no sense to get my own apartment that i'd only be in for a few days every other month when I am on a break. So anyway, she goes into my room and finds my dirty clothes and washes them. She opens my mail. She asks me a million questions about things I need to do, like I need my hand held. I am 40 years old!! I know how to wash clothes by now. I know how to make an appointment to get my car fixed. I know how to cook my own food, I do it for my job. I know she means well, but it's going overboard. Every time she rearranges my stuff in my room, I ask what happened and I put it back, so she knows I hate my stuff being touched but she'll keep doing stuff anyway! Isnt respecting someone's privacy and their belongings just something everyone naturally knows about? Every time she goes overboard with something she is offering to do for me, I say no I don't need anyone to do stuff for me. A 40 year old shouldn't have to tell people this.

 

I know I sound cold when dealing with my mom, but it is probably made worse by the fact that I'm a very private independent person. I can't change that. I just need peace and I never get it with either of my parents, either one of them is bombarding me with offers of help of things I can do myself or bombarding me with judgements and negativity. No wonder I don't like being around my parents. But when I vent to my friends about it, they ask me why I keep complaining because unless I change, it will only get worse. How can I change? How can I suddenly LIKE overbearing parents wanting to know every detail about my life, and babying me so I can't fully grow as a person? How can I suddenly like being open and talkative when i've always been introverted and private? My family knows i've been like this since I was a little kid. Now my dad tells me I don't care about him, just because I can't call him every 4th day!

 

I don't want to move out of my moms house, for one I would be wasting most of the money I make on a place I would hardly ever be in. I don't see any other solutions. I'm not going to quit my job, it's the best job I've ever had, it's my dream job, so as long as I have it, I will have to keep coming back to my mom's on my breaks. So since they both know how I am and what I want, talking to them won't help, and since I can't move out, I will always have to deal with them (my dad also comes over anytime he wants to, which my mom doesn't like, but is too nice to stop him). So basically my life is hell for my entire vacation, I don't even get to relax or enjoy my time off.

 

One other thing I should add is, I am a good daughter in every way other than I just can't help but pull away from them. I always buy them birthday presents, Christmas presents, mothers and fathers day presents, I always say thank you when they give me something or do something for me, so i'm not totally ungrateful and cold to them. I just FEEL like i'm being cold because of my thoughts and how angry they make me and how much I want to get away from them and of course because my friend tells me in so many words that i am a bad daughter.

 

I realize they won't be around forever, and I remind myself of that often, but you just can't make your mindset different than it is. Nobody fully appreciates their parents until they are gone, so there's nothing I can do to make myself act differently right now. I just feel increasingly closed off to them because I feel smothered. I feel like a bird that wants to fly that is being held in a cage. The thing is, I HAVE flown away, but the cage is still there, just encompassing more space. Like I can never be a true adult.

 

So who is in the wrong here and what are some solutions to this problem?

[SapphireNoir10]

I can understand the deal with your father. He is emotionally abusive and trying to be controlling by making you contact him when he wants. I'd either cut him off completely or try talking to him and explain you want a relationship with him but not on his terms.

 

Your mother, she sounds lovely. She is just trying to do the best for you and help you out. she won't be around forever. Oneday you'll miss having your mum wash your clothes and take care of you. You are living in her house, she's probably just being kind. You could just talk to her and tell her you love her and appreciate her but you need more boundaries as you are a private person.

 

I think you need to cut your mum a break on a lot of it...although opening post I would put my foot down on. But I completely see your point with your dad.

 

You haven't technically flown away or flown the nest...your living with your mum. I know it makes financial sense, but then you can't blame her in a way for her actions.

[Seraphim]

Sometimes the peace is worth the money. You need to move out of your mother's house and get your own place. She can't do the things that annoy you if you have your own place.

 

As far as your father just tell him I will answer you when I'm darn good and ready and when you're ready to be reasonable. If you can't do that then I won't be talking to you.

 

And if he still bothers you then you change your number.

 

People can only annoy you if you let them.

[Capricorn3]

To be honest, I see only ONE solution and that is to get a place of your own. As long as you live with your mom, you have to put up with whatever she does/says. At 40 years old, maybe it IS time to get your own place, and the peace you get is worth the money sacrifice (imo). Move out.

[Edmund Exley]

Mom is just being mom. I have one just like her. Part of a mothers purpose is taking care of their children and thats never gonna change. I stayed with my mom for a year following a divorce, and she did the same thing. Even "accidentally" opening my mail. I accepted it as part of living in her house, and knew it was just her motherly instinct to care for me.

 

Your dad's a . Tell him your a grown up and you dont need him to be your boss.

[Ljion]

Move out and then u can see if u can appreciate your parents or not. The problem is ur judgement is clouded cuz ur parents r too controlling. Move out. Also ur mom sounds like she just cares maybe too much. Your dad from the description sounds not too great of a person but then again who knows

[thehardestpart]

My question is, did you ever move out? why are you still living with your parents at 40? why wasn't that move made at 20, 25, 30, 35? Wasn't the 20 years enough to prepare you to buy a place/move out/etc? Why don't you relocate to where your job is, to actually start off an 'independent' life that you claim you're living. Sorry, but I'm just confused about all of this, and it seems like your trying to put the blame on your parents instead of dealing with the end result of why it came to this in the first place.

 

Just simply tell your dad, 'listen, I work 85 hours a week, I barely have any time for myself or chores', any reasonable person would understand this, you just have to be upfront with them. maybe there are other ways you can keep communication with your dad? like personally, I'm not a phone person, so I prefer to keep in touch with my father through email, I reply when I can.

[Rockchick26]

I HAVE told my parents the things you said, they still continue to be the same way.

 

And i have flown the nest before, I owned my own house once, and lived in 3 different apartments over the years, I just had to move back home 2 years ago because I got laid off and couldn't afford my apt anymore.

[Rockchick26]

Move out and then u can see if u can appreciate your parents or not. The problem is ur judgement is clouded cuz ur parents r too controlling. Move out. Also ur mom sounds like she just cares maybe too much. Your dad from the description sounds not too great of a person but then again who knows

 

Well I have lived away from home before, things were fine with my mom then, because she couldn't baby me. My dad though, he's always been like this. When he started getting really bad, he would call me every single day just to make sure I was going to work, and he would drive by every job i've had just to see if I was there, when if I wasn't, he would call my mom and ask her if she knew where I was. This was even when I was in my 30's!!

[Rockchick26]

My question is, did you ever move out? why are you still living with your parents at 40? why wasn't that move made at 20, 25, 30, 35? Wasn't the 20 years enough to prepare you to buy a place/move out/etc?

 

I have lived on my own since my mid 20's, so 15 years now. I just moved back home 2 years ago because I got laid off and would have been homeless if I didn't come back here.

 

Why don't you relocate to where your job is, to actually start off an 'independent' life that you claim you're living.

 

Because we live where our job is, on site. There is no housing in that area so our job provides it for us. But we still have to come home on our breaks.

 

Just simply tell your dad, 'listen, I work 85 hours a week, I barely have any time for myself or chores', any reasonable person would understand this, you just have to be upfront with them. maybe there are other ways you can keep communication with your dad? like personally, I'm not a phone person, so I prefer to keep in touch with my father through email, I reply when I can.

 

I tell him this every single time we argue about this. All it does is make him MORE upset.

[abitbroken]

You work out of state - where do you stay where you are working out of state? A hotel? Why not make the place you stay at out of state HOME, as in moving your personal items there - and then VISITING mom for that week you are off. get an efficiency apartment, even. You can even forward all your mail to a PO box in your work state so you can go through your OWN mail and handle your own bills. Sure, maybe you would leave a big dining cabinet or something at mom's, but not all of your personal items and favorite things. This way, you can not be at battle with mom. You will get along a LOT better with your mom if you do this, as your week there will be a pleasant time where you help her out for a day or go to an outing, catch up with friends, etc, rather than the stressfest it is now.

 

Wasting money? Leaving the nest is part of growth and if you were a man instead of a woman, a lot of people would say cut the apron strings.

 

As far as dad goes, would be be satisfied if you started emailing? Send him a newsy email of small talk every week?

[Rockchick26]

We only have one small bedroom where we work, and I have too many things to keep there. Most people only bring 2 or 3 outfits and then their hygiene products. I brought a lot more than that but it's still only 1/5th of everything I own.

 

 

 

I HAVE left home before, I even owned my own house once! The ONLY reason I was living here at all was because I got laid off from my previous job and couldn't afford rent anymore. Then when I got this job, I knew I'd be living there most of the time so I didn't see the point in paying $800 a month when i'd only be home a week every other month. I am trying to save up to pay off my car which I won't be able to do for a few more months then after that i'll be broke again for a while.

 

 

 

He doesn't have an email, he only communicates by phone.

[abitbroken]

So...you share a tiny room or you get a tiny room that is given to you by work? I really would still consider getting your mail forwarded to a PO box near work and then forwarding it back if the contract ends. It will at at least give you some mental privacy and space that you desperately need. And PO boxes don't cost that much for a six month stint.

 

It is one of those things - you can't change what she does so you either have to change something - unless you want to just complain. Your situation with your mom and privacy is definitely more workable and solvable than your dad's. I became actually sort of friends with my mom after she wasn't in my personal business every day. When I was much younger I did the small apartment near work just to reclaim my sanity. At the very least --- a po box will help you start to free yourself from the dynamic. Who cares if she dusts your table or washes your sheets 100 times. its the real personal stuff where you feel like you are being violated.

[Rockchick26]

We aren't allowed to get mail at work, but the main reason is because I need to keep my address for this state for tax purposes. It's complicated to explain, but I pretty much have to keep my address here.

[journeynow]

You're 40, and can stand up to your dad simply by letting him know when you will call him, and that you can't take his calls before then. Then don't take his calls, and call him when you tell him you will. If he argues with you when you do talk, don't take the bait, don't play that game, change the subject, or tell him you're not discussing it, and bring the call to an end if you need to. With your mom, I agree with others, you're best off finding a place of your own, or renting a room from a friend or relative, or finding a house sitting situation during break. It's your mother's house, and from her perspective you're just visiting, especially if you are hardly ever there.

[Rockchick26]

You're 40, and can stand up to your dad simply by letting him know when you will call him, and that you can't take his calls before then. Then don't take his calls, and call him when you tell him you will. If he argues with you when you do talk, don't take the bait, don't play that game, change the subject, or tell him you're not discussing it, and bring the call to an end if you need to. With your mom, I agree with others, you're best off finding a place of your own, or renting a room from a friend or relative, or finding a house sitting situation during break. It's your mother's house, and from her perspective you're just visiting, especially if you are hardly ever there.

 

I already don't take my dad's calls...I always leave my phone off during the day, then i'll check it during work when I know he's in bed, and I never call him until the day after he leaves me a message to call him back. This approach is only making things worse though, because the other day when I was at his house, he practically hounded me as I was walking out the door and yelled "And don't wait until after I leave a message, call me BEFORE that happens!" Then I yelled back, as I was walking out the door, I don't remember exactly what I said but basically something to the effect of it not being that easy, and I can't or either don't have time to call that often. He continued yelling and following me out the door. Standing up to him only makes him more angry because he doesn't like it when people have a mind of their own and argue back with him.

 

And as for getting a place of my own, the cheapest I could find was still 1/3 of my monthly income, and when i'd only be there for a week out of every 7 weeks, it's just not worth wasting that much money that I could be saving for an RV (which I want to live in someday). I could have it for sure by this time next year IF I can save all my money until then. But if I rented an apt now, it would take me 3 years to save up for it, and then look at all that money wasted on the apt when I couldn't even be there!

[journeynow]

Rockchick, try setting up a calling schedule, TELL him when you will call (for example, tell him you will call every other Tuesday evening), and stick to it. Don't call after he leaves a message, call him when you've scheduled it. And when he yells at you, don't respond, just stick to your word and call when YOU said you will. You're not "standing up to him" because that means you re joining in a conflict, just demonstrate your autonomy by calmly living your life and making your decisions. You don't have to argue for them or defend them, just live them.

 

There are other cheaper options to renting, as I mentioned. You could house sit. I know someone who did that for over a year for a variety of people. If you need a place to store your things, rent a small storage unit, it's much cheaper than renting an apartment, and much cheaper emotionally than using your mother. If you have a break or two with nothing lined up, stay with a friend (and be willing to barter or pay a small amount to contribute) or stay in an inexpensive hostel or camp out. Or barter for use of a room in a friend's or relative's home or apartment. If you want to problem solve about this, it would help to think creatively and brain storm a bit. I know you want to save as much as possible, and you talk about "wasting" money, but if your situation is causing you stress it is a waste of your energy and possibly your health. But if you don't want to problem solve, and just need to vent, that is an option, too.

[Rockchick26]

Rockchick, try setting up a calling schedule, TELL him when you will call (for example, tell him you will call every other Tuesday evening), and stick to it. Don't call after he leaves a message, call him when you've scheduled it. And when he yells at you, don't respond, just stick to your word and call when YOU said you will. You're not "standing up to him" because that means you re joining in a conflict, just demonstrate your autonomy by calmly living your life and making your decisions. You don't have to argue for them or defend them, just live them.

 

Honestly, I don't even want to call him every week. If he didn't call me telling him to call him back, I would go months. But regardless of how often I call, it still doesn't make a difference. He never accepts my life as mine, he always looks at things like 'why don't you do it like THIS'. For the last 15 years I would say, I have been demonstrating my autonomy with him. He will never change. He does this with other people too, not just me. So the problem isn't how I'm dealing with it, the problem is HIM.

 

There are other cheaper options to renting, as I mentioned. You could house sit. I know someone who did that for over a year for a variety of people. If you need a place to store your things, rent a small storage unit, it's much cheaper than renting an apartment, and much cheaper emotionally than using your mother. If you have a break or two with nothing lined up, stay with a friend (and be willing to barter or pay a small amount to contribute) or stay in an inexpensive hostel or camp out. Or barter for use of a room in a friend's or relative's home or apartment. If you want to problem solve about this, it would help to think creatively and brain storm a bit. I know you want to save as much as possible, and you talk about "wasting" money, but if your situation is causing you stress it is a waste of your energy and possibly your health. But if you don't want to problem solve, and just need to vent, that is an option, too.

 

I do want to problem solve, but it just seems like every "solution" brings upon more problems, or they have more cons than pros. I don't want to do anything unless it will fix the problem and not create new ones. My dad has already argued with me about this subject, he will get all upset and say "You probably wont even come back home now!!" One time I went on a vacation by myself and when I finally answered the phone, it was one of the biggest arguments we've ever had. The more I stay away, the worse it gets.