He contacted me after 5 weeks, but of course, there's drama.

[823freckles]

To be completely honest, I was not treating my ex very well for awhile at the end of our relationship. I was (and am) in the midst of a major depressive episode, and he bore the brunt of my irritability and sadness. Shortly before he broke up with me, I decided to get serious help for my issues in a partial hospitalization program. He said he saw that I was making changes and improving but that it felt like too little, too late, so he broke up with me.

 

I was devastated because I was and am in love with him. I continued intensive therapy, as well as joined Codependents Anonymous since the break-up. I have also tried to focus on improving my mental and physical well-being in other ways. We remained friends on facebook but hadn't spoken since then, 5 weeks ago. When I've been having normal feelings of anger in my grief process, I've talked to friends, journaled, and used Pinterest, which is like an online bulletin board. I thought this was a much wiser choice than slashing his tires or covering his car in bologna (as a friend did to her ex) or calling him to yell, sob, whatever. Well on Saturday I went to facebook and noticed that he untagged himself from all of our pictures together. I was so upset, and I thought maybe his next step would be to defriend me, so I did it first. And I posted some angry/upset things on Pinterest.

 

Then Monday, I received my first contact from him in five weeks. He emailed me and said he had been planning to see if I wanted to get back together, but then he saw my Pinterest, so he was angry and that is why he untagged himself in photos, and he has seen what I've posted there since and now he sees no point in getting back with me. In retrospect-oops, I had no idea he'd be looking at my Pinterest, but now I know I should have kept those feelings off the internet.

 

I sent him a sincere apology and deleted all the negative things from Pinterest. I told him that I have wanted to get back together with him, but that I still have a lot to learn and I would appreciate it if we could at least be friends and see what happens from there. I made a mistake, but this is progress for me. I'm just worried that:

 

1. If we try to be friends we'll end up as something more, which would be good except:

2. He can't accept anything but perfection in terms of my irritability/depression/etc. at this point and I'm NOT perfect,

3. And I don't think he has worked on any of his poor relationship patterns/problems

 

Do I try to be friends with him? Do I try for something more? Or are we doomed to fail? I just feel trapped by my love for him-if we could both work on our issues, we'd be okay-we had so much fun and love, but we communicate very differently. I'm working on my issues, but I don't know if it is enough. =/

[mhowe]

You need to not be in a relationship right now. Posting angry and upset is never a good idea. "beating him" to defriending....

 

You cannot be friends w/ him yet. Five weeks of being in Codependents A isn't enough time.

 

You cannot make him work on his issues -- and yours need your full attention.

[amy37]

Agreed freckles,

 

Just keep working on yourself and that will make you happy, don't let him be the center of your happiness.

Have a great week.

[nutbrownhare]

Do you have a sponsor in CoDA? If you can - get one. It will help enormously with the issues you describe, in that you will be supported in steering clear of the drama which drains so much of your already depleted energy and makes you feel worse.

 

As for worrying what might happen in the future, do your best to work your program and remember "One Day at a Time".

 

Good luck with all this!

[823freckles]

Thanks so much. I know in my head that I'm not ready, and probably neither is he. But my heart wants him and wants his arms around me again. Whatever happens, I'm going to take it slow and try to continue taking care of myself and my personal growth.

[823freckles]

It's been four days since I emailed him to apologize. I'm really worrying, wondering if he is going to respond or not. He has a disability; essentially, he needs a lot of time to process things. I'm trying to be patient and give him time, but I have no way of knowing if he is going to respond at all, which is killing me! I'm trying to work the first step and relinquish my anxiety and worry-essentially, my control. But it is difficult. And I'm starting to wonder if maybe he never wanted to get back together at all, but was just saying that to "dangle the carrot" and manipulate me. That is incredibly cruel. I don't think he is that cruel, but I'm confused by his (non) reaction.

 

My best friend and his best friend are dating because we introduced them, and of course, things are going great for them. *Sigh* But my bff is thinking of asking her boyfriend if he'd heard anything about Dan (my ex) wanting to get back together with me and if he knew if Dan plans on responding to my apology. I don't know if this is a good option! I don't want to seem pushy or manipulative. I'm having a hard time trusting myself-a copdependent problem, of course.

 

Help! What do I do?

[BlueKitten]

He had no intention of getting back together with you. He wanted to make you feel inadequate and feel like you have to live up to HIS expectations. You just gave him a major ego boost by saying sorry and deleting everything off of pinterest. Never be sorry for your feelings. He chose to break up with you so you can do whatever you feel is necessary to recover and express your emotions. He shouldn't have a say in how you express yourself. He is trying to save his "rep" and he doesnt want people to see him for the real jerk he is, especially future girlfriends who will undoubtably google search the ish out of him (since we all do that haha).

[mhowe]

Asking anyone to ask his IS being manipulate and pushy. Hopefully, you talked to your sponsor about this and did not take action.

 

Please, accept that it is over. Heal -- he isn't being "cruel" -- he is being NOT interested.

[punkkat]

But didn't he untag himself first, and then you ranted on Pinterest? From what you write later it sounded like he said he untagged himself AFTER seeing your Pinterest.