Would you want to hear from an ex 8 years later?

[zep]

I am single for the first time in 8 years. Because of this, I've been reflecting on my past relationships in a way I never did when I was bouncing from new guy to new guy. I am 29 now, and have found myself thinking about my 2nd boyfriend a LOT.

 

We met when I was 19 and he was 21, and dated for two years. He was the first guy I ever slept with, and actually it was the best sex I've ever had. In general he was the best boyfriend I ever had by far. My parents adored him, he was the boyfriend they liked the most by leaps and bounds. I was a really good girlfriend to him too, so I don't regret the way our relationship went. Our breakup was mutual, and happened because he graduated and went to law school in another state and I just wanted to be single (at least I knew I didn't want to do a LDR). It was a pretty calm breakup and I called him crying questioning the decision a few times in the following weeks/months but he always assured me our breakup was for the best. I don't regret the way this happened either.

 

This is what I regret: He tried to keep in touch over the years but I never reciprocated. I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time, often I had another boyfriend. For example: He sent my dog (we got it together but it was always officially mine) a christmas present the first year after we broke up, he called me once late at night about a year after we broke up, he followed me on AIM and saw I changed my cell number and later íncluded me on a group SMS announcing his number had changed, he reached out and sent a condolense email 2 years after we broke up when my best friend died. Around the same time he saw a friend of mine in a bar in another city and apologized for "being a jerk" during our breakup, but I don't think he was. About 4 years after we broke up he saw a friend of mine at a football game and told her to tell me hello. I never responded to or acknowledged any of this. Also five years after we broke up he signed up for facebook. I added him and he wrote me a short message, but I never responded. I really feel like a jerk for my 100% radio silence.

 

Now, looking back, I realize what an incredibly great relationship we had. It was my first long term relationship out of high school, so I didn't realize how rare/great it was. He's not on facebook anymore, but I found him on linked in and added him a couple of days ago. He hasn't responded yet. From looking at our mutual friends facebooks I can see he's had a girlfriend for about 3 years now and they seem really happy. But he's 31 and she's 34 and they're not engaged so maybe that means something...

 

I posted this in "getting back together" but it's not really a realistic thing, we literally live on opposite sides of the world now. We are 10 hours apart timezone wise. But I feel a really strong urge to talk to him again. I don't have his email or phone number and I can't send him a msg on linked in unless he accepts my add request. I was thinking about sending a message to one of our mutual friends who is visiting him soon and asking him to tell my ex I am sorry for not keeping in touch over the years, and that the dog is doing great, and that I hope he's doing well. Do you think this would be a welcome thing? If he was single I would definitely do it but the girlfriend complicates things.

 

Any advice/insights are appreciated!!

[sidehop]

Anything is possible right? If he's single and you are also, perhaps something could possibly come out of this. The distance part sucks but hey at least he's not on the moon or somewhere impossible to get to.

[markie6]

I can see he's had a girlfriend for about 3 years now and they seem really happy

 

If you only want to be friends then why not , anything more then no. You wouldn't want somebody meddling in your happiness if the roles were reversed I guess.

 

We are 10 hours apart timezone wise.

It doesn't seem very practical but leave it up to him to respond if he wants.

[sidehop]

Well shoot I miss he had a g/f part. I guess it wouldn't hurt to say hi after you get in touch with him.

[charity]

did you say he has a girlfriend now? if so, then no i would not contact him. why? because your feelings seems conflicted. on one hand you think its not realistic for you to be with him but on the other you are raving about him being the best boyfriend ever.

 

secondly, have just gotten out of a relationship? because it is very common and normal to look for an ex when you are hurting/healing......but its not wise to do it because its not a true feeling.

[zep]

did you say he has a girlfriend now? if so, then no i would not contact him. why? because your feelings seems conflicted. on one hand you think its not realistic for you to be with him but on the other you are raving about him being the best boyfriend ever.

 

secondly, have just gotten out of a relationship? because it is very common and normal to look for an ex when you are hurting/healing......but its not wise to do it because its not a true feeling.

 

Yea he does have a girlfriend. I think its kind of selfish for me to reach out to him when he is in a relationship given I didn't respond to him over the years because I was in one.

 

Also, I am just out of a relationship, which is another reason I am hesitant to contact him. I think you are right about it maybe not being a true feeling.... Well, the guilt is true! I mostly feel bad about never responding, but this is definitely in a "I should have gotten back together with him instead of dating so-and-so" frame of mind, so maybe it's not a true feeling either.

 

Would the going through the friend to apologize for not staying in touch be weird/inappropriate? Maybe I should just wait and see how I feel after another couple of months. After all, its been years, whats one more? I would feel a lot better about contacting him (even as "just friends") if we were both single.

[charity]

I think you should hold off on contacting him AT ALL for a while. its just not nice for any girlfriend to have an ex crawl out of the woodwork after all these years and your motivation is not pure (stupid word, sorry).

if a few months pass and you are happier in yourself, maybe dating again and you STILL want to apologise for all the times you ignored him then you can reevaluate.

[calichick007]

The fact that you've posted this in Getting Back Together is super telling... if he has a gf, I would respect that and leave it be.

[Edmund Exley]

This is the time honored fable of "The One That Got Away".

 

Let yourself heal, and leave his relationship be. You'll be better off for it in the long run.

[mhowe]

Pretend that social media stalking is not available. How would you have a clue where he is/what he is doing, 8 yrs. later.

 

Leave him be.

[TalkThatTalk9]

In december i contacted my first boyfriend apologizing for not only dumping him, but ignoring him for 7 years. I dumped him for my ex. when I dumped him we were trying to decide what we wanted, I was off at school, it just wasnt the right time.

 

after reconnecting, that spark ignited again and now we are dating and I just can not even believe it has happened. I thought he would never want to talk to me, let alone us having a second chance.

 

BUT he was single and so was I. I would of never reached out if he had a girlfriend.

 

and just cuz they are not engaged does not mean they are not serious.

[zep]

Yea, I agree with most of you, I am going to not contact him. If we are ever single at the same time maybe I'll reach out then.

 

Thanks guys!

[Batya33]

My husband and I got back together after almost 8 years apart (we had seriously dated for almost 2 years). During that 8 years we exchanged a few emails a year- mostly just catching up -nothing at all personal about "us" and had one quick dinner about 1.5 years before we reconnected for good. He contacted me to meet for lunch because he was in my city for the summer and wanted to catch up - no romantic intentions. We're in similar professions and have some mutual friends so it made sense and after all it was so many years later. I had reached out to him about 8 months earlier because a family member he knew when we were together -and liked - had passed away at a young age and I wanted him to know. He was glad I let him know and sent a very supportive e-mail.

So - I think that if I knew he was involved with someone I wouldn't have contacted him. There were times over the years I heard he had a girlfriend (we had no information about each other from the internet other than professional information) and I don't think that affected whether we exchanged those infrequent and impersonal e-mails but I know I would have refrained from asking him to meet for lunch or send a more personal e-mail at those times. I never want to be the person who interferes in the slightest with someone's relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

My second boyfriend and I got back together after 14 years of absolutely no contact. Now we're married with a kid.

 

But his first facebook contact was just to say hi, regardless of whether knowing I was single or not.

 

How do you know he's been in a relationship? Through the grapevine, I guess?

[zep]

OKay, that is good to hear. I am feeling really guilty about not staying in contact at all, but knowing that not being in touch is the right thing to do now makes me feel better. I don't want to interfere with his current relationship.

[zep]

My second boyfriend and I got back together after 14 years of absolutely no contact. Now we're married with a kid.

 

But his first facebook contact was just to say hi, regardless of whether knowing I was single or not.

 

How do you know he's been in a relationship? Through the grapevine, I guess?

 

Yea pretty much! A mutual friend posted a status about doing a couples trip with him and his girlfriend, and I think actually the last time he contacted me on facebook he was already dating her. I recognized the name.

[zep]

ugh I just wish I didnt feel so guilty

[tattoobunnie]

Guilty? You haven't done anything wrong. You haven't reached out to him. You are strolling down memory lane. My hubby, when we first dated, was not my first great love at all. And my first great love, I would miss him so, and reminisce. I learned so much from him. But seeing him down the road, I realized, I had outgrown him.

 

What you are doing is good, and a process you don't even realize you are doing. You are really evaluating your life, what you want out of relationships...what works for you, and what didn't. When you do this, you are preparing yourself for THE ONE.

 

Just take the time now to really fall back in love with yourself...do your bucket list in fact...go save the world. If it's meant to be (and I say this without any polly-annaness)...it will happen.

[Edmund Exley]

My ex fiancee of 5 years that I have been split from for almost 14 years recently let me know she was divorcing the guy she started dating after we ended. We truly ended as friends and have always been in loose contact (she works for a vet and I would see her when my dog needed his checkup, etc) and contact via Facebook most recently. We talked a little about things, how things were for us, how she regreted marrying him because even then she knew she was settling and they didnt click completely but she tried to make it work for so long. There isn't a doubt that if I were single we would be giving it another go, and the conversation loosely confirmed that. But Im not single, I am happily married and in love with my wife.

 

My point is, you never know where things will end up one day. That said, I think you are developing feelings for him based on knowing what once was. For you to feel bothered by him taking a trip with his GF is nothing more than your mind telling you to feel something. The fact is, for 8 years you felt nothing, but now being recently out of a relationship you may be looking for affection, and you kinda believe he used to give it to you, so he is an easy place to find it.

[rosasnyder811]

Pretend that social media stalking is not available. How would you have a clue where he is/what he is doing, 8 yrs. later.

 

Leave him be.

 

Why? What is your reasoning on this? People found old lovers long before Social Media existed. It was called a phone book. There is nothing wrong with looking someone up and asking them who they are. This new fangled definition of stalking is pathetic and annoying.

Suddenly, anyone who checks up on someone from their past is a stalker. It's pretty ridiculous, if you ask me. Facebook is there for a reason. By this definition, anyone who adds you as a friend would be considered a stalker.