Seriously so confused, is she playing mind games?

[getupkid]

Me and my ex girlfriend broke up a month ago after dating around 14 months. She broke it off with me after ongoing insecurity she has that I don't care for her enough and neglect her and our relationship, plus trust issues. She thinks that i'd dump her for the next prettier girl I meet, etc. I basically acted like I was single and finally, after bringing this up to me a few times, she broke it off. I tried no contact after repeated arguments about how much she actually does mean to me and that I didn't realize I was that bad to her and everything. She just said she needs time and space for herself right now. She reassured me that there is no other guy and that she has no intention of moving on to somebody new anytime soon.

 

Over the month she deleted her facebook but still kept very low contact with me. Mostly defensive at first but she's been getting friendlier. Last weekend she went to a party with my good friend and my ex's female friend. My good friend had plans with my ex's friend but my ex tagged along with them. My ex and her girlfriend were too drunk to drive home so they stayed over my good friends. He texted me that Saturday telling me just in case I heard some other story that he was hitting on my ex or something. I said it was fine and asked if she was with any guy or flirting with any and he said she just kept to herself and didn't mingle much. That day she texted me being nice, asking how I was and everything. It turned into her claiming that I was talking to another girl even though I'm not. We argued until she admitted she made it up to see if I'd slip. She apologized but still said she doesn't trust that I want to be with her and that I haven't started talking to others. I got fed up and told her my facebook password (I didn't delete mine) and told her to check everything. This is nuts I know but one of her biggest issues is that I'd move on so easily, and since I'm not I couldn't prove it any clearer. She checked my messages and said she was sorry and even posted funny statuses as me while she was on it. I said it was fine and just let my feelings on her out, told her everything. She was nicer and said she wanted to come to my band's show next month if it was ok.

 

The next day (yesterday) she texted me again with iphone smiley things and just talked briefly. Later on she goes "are you with any of the girls you're talking to since we broke up?" I said yeah just to be funny and she was just being nice but the conversation wasn't very long. Today she hasn't texted me at all.

 

Ok so why I'm confused is out of every girl I ever been involved with she has the least "dirty" past, is more honest than any girl I've met and is the most trustworthy. The qualities I lack. And the way she is it seems like if I were to be moving on she wouldn't argue or fight with me, she would just keep to herself and not bother me. But I'm confused if she just wants to be friends, or if she feels guilty that she broke up with me and sees I'm actually hurt and not moving on, or if she feels she made a mistake? I don't want to just ask, I'm trying to remain confident and cool in the situation. And yes, I do want her back.

[LonelyGirl10]

My question to you is if you got back together with her, could you be the type of guy that she wants to be with? Or would you act like you did when you were dating her?

 

Everybody has different views on the type of behavior that's okay and not okay when you're dating someone. If you can't make her happy, then I would stay away from her. She probably is confused and missing you. However, it's not fair for you to try to get her back if you know you can't be the type of man she wants.

[getupkid]

My question to you is if you got back together with her, could you be the type of guy that she wants to be with? Or would you act like you did when you were dating her?

 

Everybody has different views on the type of behavior that's okay and not okay when you're dating someone. If you can't make her happy, then I would stay away from her. She probably is confused and missing you. However, it's not fair for you to try to get her back if you know you can't be the type of man she wants.

 

Thank you for reading/answering. Basically I left a lot out because I didn't want it to be really long. But the thing is I dated somebody 3 years ago for a total of 5 years. That ex wasn't always honest, didn't cheat but sometimes I had to think if she would, so I basically only trusted her MOST of the time. We ended up breaking up for a month or more on 3 separate occasions, she being the one who would agree for us to breakup but would also be first to breaking contact and come back. Why I took her back is beyond me at this point but I did and it was always after she hooked up with another guy, at one point dating another. I guess I was just blind to who she really was.

 

My point is that in the past 3 years before I dated my current ex I almost forgot how to be a good boyfriend. I was afraid to get too close thinking she may be like my ex and hurt me or end up being sketchy. I also thought I'd be too overwhelming or overbearing, turning my now ex off. So when I thought I was doing ok I was severely understating myself, leading her to believe I just didn't care if we dated or not. Of course I did and eventually I let the past go and realized she was an amazing person, but still I neglected our relationship. On top of this, in the three year gap I had in dating I basically been with a lot of women, never dating because I just didn't care then..until I met my ex of course. She was the first girl I wanted to be with since my last ex, but she found out that I had such a "womanizing" past and that's why she has these trust issues.

 

I in no way blame her for feeling how she does. But during this month we've been broken up we've got into several arguments, all of which was me justifying everything I explained here. Trying to convince her that she really means the world to me but she didn't buy it and just told me she needs her space. Finally last week I came up with the same argument but not as pitiful, I spoke my side more casually and calmly and she said she finally feels important to me now. Also she said that if I can finally become a happy person, learn to not be so negative and more caring, that maybe she will be in a relationship with me again. We didn't talk for a couple days after that (I rarely text her, I don't want to chase) and that was when she texted me interrogating me about if I was talking to another girl or "had one in mind."

 

Basically this ended up being longer than my original post but it clears my situation some. I just don't know if she's pressing on becoming just friends (she always says she values me as a person, regardless of relationship) or if she is against me moving on until SHE moves on, or if she is considering being my girlfriend again but giving herself time to see if she can actually trust me. All seem plausible to me and she's sitting in the direct center of all and I can't tell which side she's going to go for.

[camus154]

Dude, date other women. Handing over your Facebook password because your EX was riding you about flirting with other women? Really?

 

Find your boundaries and stick to them. If she's incapable of trusting you then find someone who is. And if you're not exactly trustworthy yourself, then work on that until you're ready for a relationship.

[getupkid]

Dude, date other women. Handing over your Facebook password because your EX was riding you about flirting with other women? Really?

 

Find your boundaries and stick to them. If she's incapable of trusting you then find someone who is. And if you're not exactly trustworthy yourself, then work on that until you're ready for a relationship.

 

well she broke up with me because she couldn't trust me and no matter what I couldn't prove she was just some girl I'd date for a little bit. so I said if she wants actual proof to go through my messages, we argued about her doing it bc she didn't want to. Facebook isn't sacred to me and I indeed had nothing to hide so if it would help her realize I can be trustworthy, why not? that's my point now is if she is finally realizing she can trust me and possible made a mistake breaking up with me or if it's something else.

[Ms Darcy]

My point is that in the past 3 years before I dated my current ex I almost forgot how to be a good boyfriend.

 

I kind of think this is bs to be honest.

 

But anyway, you should just ask her if she will get back with you.

[getupkid]

I kind of think this is bs to be honest.

 

But anyway, you should just ask her if she will get back with you.

 

Bs how? Not saying you are wrong but going from meeting girls for hook ups (wrong I know, I regret my past in this sense) to meeting a girl I want to date was two different worlds to me. On one hand I was used to going home from work and doing what I wanted and the other hand was going home from work then making plans to make the girlfriend happy. I often just said "nah, I'm tired, we'll hang out tomorrow" like I was still just single, like I had no commitment. Similar things like that is what I meant, I didn't mean "der um you're my girlfriend so now what do I do?"

 

And tonight we talked more because I asked her what the hell she wanted from me and she gave me the cold shoulder but contradicted it with not being able to explain why she wants to know if I'm moving on, or why it matters if I met another girl. So I basically just confronted her and asked if she misses me, and that she isn't moving on herself because she's waiting to see if I'd do what she thought I would the second I was single, and that now I proved her the opposite she puts this wall, or front up. She wouldnt deny it and kept saying that she'll talk to me later and then finally admitted she texts me because she misses me and everything but dating again is a lot for her to think about right now. I guess that somewhat clears the air but time will tell I guess.

[LonelyGirl10]

Coming from a girl's perspective, she's texting you because she still cares. I don't know whether she wants to date you again or not, and she probably doesn't even know the answer to that right now. But she still cares about what you do, because she's texting you. If she didn't care, you wouldn't be hearing from her.

 

From what you told me, it sounds like she was justified in feeling the way that she did. And I think that if you want her back, you will have to show her that you will treat her better. You said that you're not texting her that much right now. I think that's the wrong approach. You should try treating her better, and see if that changes how she feels about you. For example, send her a good morning text. Send her a text in the middle of the day just saying "thinking about you." And send her a goodnight text. Don't expect anything in return at first.

 

I reached a point after my recent breakup where I decided I didn't want to get back with my ex. But he slowly wore me down by doing sweet things. He texted throughout the day. He showed up at my house with my favorite food and wine. I still had feelings for him, and his actions proved to me that he would be different. So, it's worth a try.

[rosasnyder811]

She's not playing mind games. She is contacting you because she cares, and wants to see if you are changing, which you aren't. You are still acting like you don't care, and playing games with her. You need to tread carefully.

You also went no contact with someone that didn't think you cared about them. Bad move.

 

Talk with her, and redirect her when she tries to accuse you of seeing someone else. Ask her what she needs you to do to convince her that you aren't seeing anyone, or talking to anyone.

[rosasnyder811]

And by the way, don't pressure her by asking all sorts of questions about getting back together. No pressure. No relationship talk. Just talk to her.

[getupkid]

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I guess my approach was to try and see if she'll miss me but I didn't realize it was just fueling her opinion on how she thought I felt. It's discouraging to text her myself just because although she texts me it's always for a certain reason. She'll never text me just to say hi in other words. I told her last night that I'm tired of expressing my feelings through text and would rather in person and she said to stop texting her then and when I'd see her. I guess patience and persistence will be my benefit.

[LonelyGirl10]

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I guess my approach was to try and see if she'll miss me but I didn't realize it was just fueling her opinion on how she thought I felt. It's discouraging to text her myself just because although she texts me it's always for a certain reason. She'll never text me just to say hi in other words. I told her last night that I'm tired of expressing my feelings through text and would rather in person and she said to stop texting her then and when I'd see her. I guess patience and persistence will be my benefit.

 

She broke up with you because you didn't give her enough attention. If you pull away to see if she will miss you, it will just reinforce that she made the right decision. The only way to fix it is to give her the attention that she wanted.

[getupkid]

She broke up with you because you didn't give her enough attention. If you pull away to see if she will miss you, it will just reinforce that she made the right decision. The only way to fix it is to give her the attention that she wanted.

I know and this makes sense, I thought of this from the beginning but she kept just telling me to give her space because she need time to think. I always thought that she was just putting me down easy while she attempts to move on, yet to this day she hasn't even attempted to move on. I want to text her more, just be friendly but she always makes conversations brief or I sense a slight attitude or "cockiness" to her replies. I worry it's because she thinks she has control over me and that I'll stick where I am no matter what she does. Or on the other hand, it'll just take some time for her to warm up to me.

 

Girls are intense, I'll tell you what.

[LonelyGirl10]

I know and this makes sense, I thought of this from the beginning but she kept just telling me to give her space because she need time to think. I always thought that she was just putting me down easy while she attempts to move on, yet to this day she hasn't even attempted to move on. I want to text her more, just be friendly but she always makes conversations brief or I sense a slight attitude or "cockiness" to her replies. I worry it's because she thinks she has control over me and that I'll stick where I am no matter what she does. Or on the other hand, it'll just take some time for her to warm up to me.

 

Girls are intense, I'll tell you what.

 

I don't think she thinks she has control over you at all. She's scared that you're going to move on and leave her. Her replies are probably short because she's trying to protect herself. If she responds to you, then she'll start feeling things for you. And if she's feeling things for you, then it will hurt more if she hears that you're with someone else.

[rosasnyder811]

Stop pressuring her, and stop contacting her with nothing to talk about. Have something to talk about.

 

She is probably trying to grab on to some control of the situation, since she probably tried to get you to care before and you didn't, so now she is being cautious. She doesn't want you to hurt her again.

[getupkid]

I talked to her last night. I asked her if I'm just wasting my time or if I should just move on because one of us is playing games. She flipped and said that everything I said about my feelings were probably just bull**** then if I want to move on. I explained I don't WANT to move on but at the same time don't want to be beating a dead horse. her response was basically "stop being a ***** and be a man, tell me in person how you feel. I would be your girlfriend now if you would have just came to me and told me how you feel instead of texting it. words on a screen are meaningless when they can't be said in real life."

 

I was shocked bc I never realized that's what she wanted. that her "proof" was simple as that. I haven't seen her since we broke up, every conversation we had was via text because I was being a ***** and was afraid to approach her. We agreed to meet Sunday and I said I'll tell her face to face everything.

 

but the problem with that is how do I even start? I'm gonna see her and just be speechless. how do you even begin a conversation to tell somebody how much they mean, when getting them back is on the line?

[Jimbly]

A week after my ex unexpectedly broke up with me, we met up and had exactly the conversation that you will soon have. I told her exactly how I felt and it was the closest we've ever been. It was so obvious that there was a strong connection that we had both run away from. We are taking a month mutually agreed NC right now, and I have made huge progress working on myself.

 

I felt so great after that conversation, and there is one reason it went so well.

 

You need to make a plan. Write a list of 5-6 key points you want to cover. Memorize it - don't just read it out to her!!! I am terrible at expressing my feelings (as is my ex) which is why things fell apart. Take the time to work through your feelings and where you felt things went wrong, and make notes.

 

Some examples of what I said:

 

I listed things that I love about her, and make me feel we are compatible (for example shared values, personality, shared interests but willing to share new interests, physical side). I gave specific examples to back this up rather than just making a generic list.

 

I told her why I think we had broken up. We never progressed to the next level of intimacy due to our insecurities and how our relationship developed. She also freaked out since she thought I was going to ask her to move in with me, but she wants to live by herself for a bit and make her own friends....I wasn't even close to asking her to move in. So again - Poor communication.

 

I told her about why I am insecure and scared of intimacy - childhood stuff etc....

 

I told her that I loved her more deeply than I realized

 

Most importantly...I told her that the breakup had to happen - we were "stuck" and not moving forwards. And maybe down the line we could start fresh.

 

Your situation is a little different because your ex definitely wants you back. If you are prepared you won't mess this up.

 

I know it might sound lame to write things down and have a cheat sheet but it has really helped my communication skills. It made me work out where things went wrong, and what I valued about our relationship. And since that talk I have continued working on these skills, and begun sorting out my insecurities and intimacy issues (I am seeing a therapist). These changes will be helpful whether I get back with my ex or have to start over with somebody new.

 

Bottom line - really make an effort to improve your communication skills, and don't be afraid to open up.

[getupkid]

thank you so much for the advice, I hope you and your ex work through it the same and Im glad you shared your story with me. truth is I thought of a cheat sheet myself. I rehearsed certain things I'd talk about, like how I had a crush on her since the day I met her, to how shy I always was yet always excited when I'd see her before we dated. then get into how I always had trouble expressing my feelings how they truly are and that our communication restricted that with me. then into how there's so much I want to do with her that we never got to yet, mini vacations together, small road trips, etc.

 

problem is how to just come out and say it without being like "hello, ok here is how I feel." and I'm also nervous that after I pour my heart out that I'll feel like I just had a job interview. I'm afraid her reaction is just going to be "ok, nice to hear from you in person, I'll give you a call." obviously it's a start and I wouldn't complain but I just worry she wants to hear what I have to say then tell me it's a little late for these confessions now.

[Jimbly]

problem is how to just come out and say it without being like "hello, ok here is how I feel." and I'm also nervous that after I pour my heart out that I'll feel like I just had a job interview. I'm afraid her reaction is just going to be "ok, nice to hear from you in person, I'll give you a call." obviously it's a start and I wouldn't complain but I just worry she wants to hear what I have to say then tell me it's a little late for these confessions now.

 

Start off with just catching up on life and don't rush into pouring out your heart. Go slowly and after each point wait for her to respond. Ask her how what you just said makes her feel. This should be a two-way conversation even if you do most of the talking. While I did most of the talking with my ex, she responded positively to all the things I said and I felt a strong sense of intimacy. This conversation should make BOTH of you open up.

 

I understand how it feels like a job interview, and you are putting everything on the line, but that is what you need to do. She explicitly told you she wants to hear how you feel in person. That is huge. And by actually doing so you will be sending her a message that you love her, and are willing to move this relationship forward and take it seriously. This doesn't mean that you can just pick up where you left off. You have to commit to changing things and keep working on yourself. You might even need a little bit more time apart.

 

One thing that has really helped me process and improve my communication is my support system. I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks talking about everything with several people, including my ex-wife, who has been amazingly supportive. Maybe before you meet you could talk to somebody you trust, and go over what you plan to say. Like a rehearsal. Being able to talk about these feelings in person to somebody who isn't your ex will help a lot. The person you talk to can then provide insights that will refine what you plan to say.

 

For me, breaking up has been one of the best things that has happened to me. If the relationship really matters, when it ends it is like having a blindfold taken off. You realize what needs to be worked on with yourself, and whatever happens in the end, you will come out a better and stronger person. I think your breakup is making you understand this, but doing the work on yourself is not easy and will take time.

[rosasnyder811]

SHE IS ASKING YOU TO TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL. This is why she left you to begin with. You're getting an opportunity a lot of guys don't get---she is telling you EXACTLY what you need to do and you STILL aren't doing it. Stop posting on this forum and go to her and tell her your feelings.

If you love her, you tell her. You make yourself vulnerable to her. That's what love is....giving YOURSELF to someone unconditionally.

Suck it up, man up as she said, and do it.

I know it's easier said than done, but once you force yourself to do it, it starts to get easier as you go. It's saying the first words that are the hardest.

[LonelyGirl10]

I agree that I think you're getting a second chance. You need to be brave, and honest. If you truly want her back, then you have to tell her everything. That means being vulnerable. That means admitting everything, and facing the fear of rejection.

 

I think if you hold back during this conversation, she'll walk away again.

 

My advice would be to start out asking how she is. Then progress into talk about the relationship. Tell her why you were hesitant opening up to her at first. Explain that you have been hurt in the past. Explain what makes her different, why you want to be with her.

 

One of the most important things in my opinion is admitting that you messed up. That's what it took to get me to give my ex a second chance. When he was making excuses for his behavior, it made me mad. But when he admitted that he messed up, I was able to forgive him. So, don't make excuses. Admit that you treated her badly, and say that it would be different this time. And then explain WHY it would be different. What you realized that would change your behavior.

 

You can either periodically ask what she thinks about things, or wait until the end to ask that. It's quite possible that she'll ask for some time to think because you're going to be telling her ALOT of new information that she has to process. Do not take that as a rejection. I asked for time to think with my ex and I was planning on saying yes to him. He took it as a rejection though, and it caused a lot of more problems with communication. If she asks for time, give it to her. Be patient and understanding. Don't force her to make a decision. Say you will be there no matter what. Say that you'll prove to her that you're not leaving.

 

If you want her back, you really have to take all the risks and all the chances here.

[getupkid]

I really appreciate everything guys/girls, it's very supportive especially from and unbiased point of view. I talk to my closest friend who knows her but he sometimes is just way too positive. Positivity isn't a bad thing but he is just positive in unrealistic ways sometimes.

 

I asked her when I could see her but she told me to wait until Sunday because she has stuff to do until then. I know she won't jump into a relationship right then and there if she decides she even wants to again but I just have a lot of bad feelings towards it. None she's deliberately causing but the fact she only wants to talk when she has something to ask me and that when we do talk she isn't all that friendly. So if we dated again I feel like I'm going to be dating and unfriendly version of her. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes but I'm going through with it regardless.

[getupkid]

Again, thanks for the positive support. I posted this first on another site and almost any input I got was people saying she just has me by the balls because I'm giving her attention and it's feeding her ego. I didn't expect anything to be sugar coated but people can often be so one-sided when it comes to relationship advice.

[getupkid]

I feel like I should call off meeting with her. I just don't get any feeling that she really cares. today I noticed some kid she works with I guess has a crush on her and wrote "beautiful!" on a ton of her Instagram pictures so I wrote "Im desperate for your attention too" just to be a smart ass. and she texted me of I reported that kids comments bc they disappeared, like that's the only reason she tried talking to me. I said that to her as well and she just said sorry and she was taking a nap, I haven't heard from her since earlier today. it's obvious she doesn't care much for me, so I guess I'll just leave her be.

[LonelyGirl10]

You're doing the same thing my ex did. I wanted him so freaking much. But I was scared to death of getting hurt. He would show signs of being interested, then he would back off again. It left me confused, and hurting. I stopped initiating contact with him because it just hurt too much. Plus, I was scared. I didn't know what he wanted, and I didn't want to get my hopes up.

 

He told me he officially wanted me back one time. I told him I needed a day to think about it. He saw that as me rejecting him. So when I came back the next day and told him yes, he told me that he changed his mind because he didn't think I cared about him enough. I cared about him SO MUCH. It wasn't a rejection. It was me being scared.

 

If you want her, give it a chance. Be there for her. Prove to her that you will be there.

 

Right now you're just being scared, and you'll never get her back like that.