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I Going to Leave This Forum, My Last Vent For A While

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As much as I like this forum, I am going to stop venting. This will be my last vent for a while. occasionally I will visit from time to time but wont be doing any posting. I need to stop over-analysing myself. My every thread is analysing myself. I need to stop analysing myself and actually do something for myself. Just screaming my goals and dreams in my threads won't make them a reality.


Alright now to start venting:

Are the words I put on this forum (i.e. my goals/dreams) are they nothing but a lame attempt to motivate myself (and also an attempt to improve my writing )?


No, these words aren't a lame attempt to motivate myself. The words I put into my threads have much meaning to me, they are my most innermost thoughts and they describe exactly how I feel at the time I write that thread.


If anyone that knows me read my threads they would probably think to themselves "Who is this guy? This isn't the guy I know". That is possibly because I suppress/hide my thoughts/feelings in real life.


Yes, there is a significant difference between "VeryShyGuy" and who I am in real life. In my threads it sounds almost like I am trying to will myself into better things. In real life, I usually question that will.


The girl I like, she asked my the other day if I am going to do a particular difficult subject at uni next year. This almost sounds like even she is questioning my will. I will do that difficult subject next year, but I need to rigorously prepare myself for it otherwise I will crash and burn.


Sometimes I think to myself, where are all my past achievements? Where are all my memories of when I felt truly proud of myself? By venting on this forum, even if I am deluding myself, I like to believe that my best qualities are lying dormant inside of me, waiting to be released. I like to believe that all my past failures are only because I held something back not because I actually lack skill and self-confidence.


With the girl I like, she probably sees me as more than an acquaintence, but less than a personal friend. At times she is friendly with me, lately it almost appears like she has a professional attitude with me.


I am not going to rush in and admit all my feelings to her (I want to though). I am too shy to admit my feelings to her anyway (she might find out anyway by reading my threads, she is a member too).


If she is not be interested in a relationship, I just hope at least she is interested in a good friendship. I value my friendship with her. I going to assume that she isn't going to read my threads anytime soon. That is the assumption I have made with some of my earlier threads. If I rush and tell her my feelings I run the likely risk of her attitude towards me becoming suddenly cold (or she would avoid contact with me). If I try to take things slowly, that would only work if I try to keep being friends with her. I have yet to meet her outside of uni (another reason why our relationship seems somewhat professional).



Like I said I am going stop venting. Venting is only a passive attempt to improve myself. I need to be more active. I am going to exercise more, I found that losing weight isn't as hard as I thought. Hopefully from losing some weight I am able to use it as a tool to help me improve my self confidence. I am going back to doing situps and pushups every morning (I stopped a while ago because I had to come to uni early to complete assignments).


I am going to take up an old hobby, playing the piano (I quit when my parents could no longer afford my lessons). I don't care if my sister gets sick of me playing the fur elise over and over. This is the best piece I could play but it is actually a couple levels above my actual level. I thought myself about a quarter of that piece, the rest is too hard (eventually I would work the rest out, I hope).


I am going to make a genuine attempt at finding a job (any job, preferably casual, as I want time for other things too). I am not going to make it a half-hearted attempt like I have been doing in the past. This little goal here is going to be a little difficult for me, like I said once before, I cringe at meeting new people (the main reason why I never had a job before).


For now, goodbye. I might post again in 1 or 2 months depending on how I feel. From writing on this forum, I have experienced multitude of feelings. At times I feel extremely emotional and can't help but shed some tears because so many of these suppressed thoughts are finally able to come out. Sometimes after venting my feelings, I feel like I never felt happier, never felt more alive and never felt more at peace with myself. Much of my feelings I have vented into my threads and much comfort I get from reading the replies. I am going to miss posting on this forum. Besides, I am running out of feelings/thoughts to vent about anyway. Well, bye and thanks for all the help everyone.

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