Ronni1123 Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 My boyfriend is a server/bartender at a dining place, and I have been trying to get him to find a better job, or a career. I have found a career, and am working towards management. But every time I bring it up, he tells me to quit hounding him, and that it needs to be his own idea... He said that if he wants me to do something, not to talk to him about it. This is very frustrating to me, considering he wants to marry me and have a family with me. Is this normal? He doesn't know a lot about computers, and doesn't know where to begin online. He serves and bartends alot... so he doesn't really have a lot of time. I lent him my computer, and it showed that he tried looking for the first few days, and then for the next week or two, he just quit. Should I try to have more patience? What do I do? I don't want to leave him. I am very much in love with him, but his lack of motivation is very irritating to me. Help! Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Is there any evidence he has ever been motivated at any point in his past? I'd assume not unless bartender at 38 was a goal, but that's about all you can look to to predict the future. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 If he isn't motivated then there is nothing you can do to get him motivated. You can either 1) Accept who he is and that he will probably, at almost 40, not have a career. 2) Move on from him. My BF is 31 and struggling to find his path in life. It was getting to me so I brought it up to him is a "This is what I want out of life and I need to know if you want the same thing and how we are going to get there" way/ Link to comment
EssexMan Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Is he happy in his work? I was talking tonight to a guy of I guess 55-60ish who has been a bartender or bar manager all his life and seems perfectly content in it. Or is money the issue? I agree it's a little unusual for a guy of his generation to have no interest in/knowledge of computers, but again, is it really a problem? Link to comment
Stay_home Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 What are his interests in education? What are some of his talents, goals, ambitions? You need to ask things like that when you're meeting people and it'll give you a great jist of where they're going in life (provided they're telling the truth). Look, some people are really just complacent and happy where they are. Not everyone has the same idea of what the success ladder looks like. What's successful to you may not be to him. Maybe he enjoys being a server/bartender or just doesn't have any desire to really go much further in life. He's allowed to do that and if this bothers you that much you probably should break things off with him. Link to comment
MikNomis Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Looking at the resistance he gives you and how soon he gave up on the search, I think he's pretty settled where he is now and it will be a great deal of work to get him to move. So much that a breakup is more likely. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 My boyfriend is a server/bartender at a dining place, and I have been trying to get him to find a better job, or a career. Has he said that he wants a better job or a career? Does he dislike what he does? Does he complain about it a lot? If not, then why would you want him to change? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Has he said that he wants a better job or a career? Does he dislike what he does? Does he complain about it a lot? If not, then why would you want him to change? I agree with this. Maybe he has a hobby or something similar he is very passionate and motivated about. Link to comment
HeatherB Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Why can't he just be a waiter? Some people are really good at it and make quite a bit in tips. It's not nice to push him to stop doing what he wants to do. If he's happy, that's plenty. Tend your own garden first, not his. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 This is who he is. He's fine being a 38 year old bartender with a 21 year old girlfriend. If it frustrates you now, imagine being with a 48 year old bartender and being his 31 year old wife. With kids! Link to comment
His Woman Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 While I think that your intentions are good, there are some things that you need to understand. The first thing is that you met him when he was a bartender, correct? Assuming that it is correct, why did you even bother dating him if you didn't approve of his choice of work? Are you not aware that is very difficult to change people? That the more you try to change someone the greater the chance that they will end up resenting you? Second thing is that if he does decide to take up a new career, he will most likely be starting at the bottom. And he may end up making less money than he does now as a bartender. Moving down on the pay scale is very difficult because it could change a person's way of life in a financial way. Maybe that is one thing that is preventing him from taking up a different career. I think you should stop pressuring him. If he wants to change his situation, and if he wants it badly enough, then he will. And if he has any brains, he will do it for himself. Not because you told him to. Link to comment
BlueEagle Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 If he's happy doing that then that's his choice. How are you hounding him? Are you nagging? Or are you being encouraging? There's a big difference between the two. Nagging is like nails on chalkboard for men and he may be interpreting that from you. How long have you been with him? If the relationship is still early on then it shouldn't be much of an issue at this point. If you've been with him a for long time now then I can see your concern. Ultimately it's his choice though so you need to decide if that's something you can live with or not. Talk to him about it at a good time when you both are getting along very well but without pressure, nagging, accusing him of being unmotivated, etc. (I'm not saying you are) and just see if the conversation begins to open up about the future without him feeling defensive or attacked. You can ask him where he sees himself in five years and see what he says. It's an important conversation to have when you're talking marriage and a future and those topics should enter his mind in how he would support you and future family members, and if he can make enough income at his current job to do just that. Link to comment
Ronni1123 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 Is there any evidence he has ever been motivated at any point in his past? I'd assume not unless bartender at 38 was a goal, but that's about all you can look to to predict the future. He has had a lot of motivation in the past. He was in the Navy, and has been a manager at a few different places. Obviously, if he was happy, I wouldn't want to "change" him. He is miserable in his current job, and I want to help him be happier, and be more successful. We have been together about a year, now, and are becoming very serious. I fell in love with him because of his personality, and quirks, not because of his choice for income. But, it's something that is affecting his mood, success, and ultimately the way he treats me. He is stressed out, and need help with moving on from his 5 year employment with this awful place. I'm not just going to leave him because it's inconvenient for me. That's not what love is for. If leaving because of inconvenience is something that should happen, then he should have left me a long time ago. I think I have solved this issue in my head pretty well. He went through a lot of abuse by his mother, as a child. So that coming from a woman, I can finally understand his 'hounding' viewpoint. I just need to be more delicate with his emotions. Any other advice? Link to comment
appies Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 You can't force him to change. Either you let him make his own choice or you move on. Link to comment
petite Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 This is who he is. He's fine being a 38 year old bartender with a 21 year old girlfriend. If it frustrates you now, imagine being with a 48 year old bartender and being his 31 year old wife. With kids! Basically this. If by 38 he hasn't decided on a career path it is very unlikely that it's going to change. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Has he said that he wants a better job or a career? Does he dislike what he does? Does he complain about it a lot? If not, then why would you want him to change? She's mentioned this guy wants to marry her and have a family with her, which will be pretty freaking hard or miserable on a waiters salary. So it's fine if he's happy doing that if he wants to be single, but if he wants her in his life and to have a family with her, there's nothing wrong with her expecting a little more from him. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 She's mentioned this guy wants to marry her and have a family with her, which will be pretty freaking hard or miserable on a waiters salary. So it's fine if he's happy doing that if he wants to be single, but if he wants her in his life and to have a family with her, there's nothing wrong with her expecting a little more from him. Not necessarily. Some people live a much more low-key lifestyle and can survive perfectly well on that salary. It depends on where they live, what kind of luxuries they have, etc. And if he's happy, and she is admittedly ambitious, I see nothing wrong with her being more of a breadwinner if they decided to move forward and have children. But since she has said he is in fact miserable, then that's a different story. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Obviously, if he was happy, I wouldn't want to "change" him. He is miserable in his current job, and I want to help him be happier, and be more successful. I'm sure you have good intentions, but you can't make him into something that he's not. As an adult, he has the ability to make his own choices, including the choice to be happy and successful. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.