Coffee date?

[Goddess4ever]

I hope someone can give me some advice!!! I joined a single dating site about a month ago...and am planning to just leave it, after my credits are gone. Some people have a lot of success on these things...but I find it very shallow and superficial IMO. Here is the thing...I listed my body type as "A few extra pounds"...and I am not sure if men think that means 120 lbs...or what. It seems as though, based on my personality alone, men keep asking me for dates...but when they see a picture, and I am not 120 lbs...they "fall off the planet". However, the ones that only want sex...want me. Doesn't make much sense. It leads me to think that I am "do-able"...but not "date-able". I understand that physical attraction is important...and I am certainly not ugly by any means....but I actually respect people more when they say in their profile that they are looking for thin women only.

 

So..this leads me to a conundrum. About a month ago, I started talking to this guy...we talked about 4-8 hours a day for about 2 weeks. He kept going on and on about being honest, good person, etc, etc....pretty much asked me out on a date first...then requested my picture. Right ofter that he changed his profile which used to say he was looking for "slim, average, athletic and a few extra pounds" as his "ideal date"...to now "Slim, average, and athletic"...and "fell off the planet". He still says hi every once in awhile (I am sure because he got a guilt complex)...and that is pretty much it. It stung...but what can I do?

 

So now...while trying to get rid of my credits, I started chatting to someone else. He moved from a city about 4 hours away...so he is reletively new to the city. I talked to him last night for about 3 hours...and he asked me if I wanted to go for coffee later this week. I told him maybe next week, because I have to help a friend move, my reletives are coming into town, and I have a paper to finish. The thing is, he hasn't requested a photo...and I know he enjoyed chatting with me. So again, I feel like I can get "anyone" on my personality alone....but my weight seems to be this huge problem. I am starting to feel like men only want some trophy girlfriend that all their friends and family will admire them for. I am not sure what to do...the thought of meeting him (although it is only coffee) makes me really nervous. I have a healthy self esteem...but sometimes it is difficult when men bruise my ego because they are superficial. I just don't want to go meet him for coffee....and be rejected over something so trivial. I am not sure what to do.

 

And just so everyone knows...I have lost 30 pounds..and it is a process that takes time. AND...I am as healthy as a horse!

[Scout]

"A few extra pounds" technically means just that: a few. Meaning three, four or five extra pounds over the ideal weight of your body based on your height and muscle/fat index. And if you're really in that range, than I fail to see the point in even mentioning you're a few pounds shy of your ideal weight.

 

So, were you being honest in your ad, or are you considerably over your ideal weight? Because people need to be truthful in their ads, just like we would want someone to be truthful with us.

[Mun]

Hi Goddess,

I don't exactly know what to tell you except that if you are afraid of rejection and limit yourself because of it--you will be a very lonely person. We all have to deal with rejection at some point in our lives--whether we are rejected or we reject others.

 

I say go for it. Try not to have high expectations of any kind ( I know--easier said than done). Just go to have a cup of coffee and conversation, see the person you are chatting up face to face and that's it. Don't plan to be there more than an hour. If the date goes well, he may suggest you do something else and make a day of it.

 

I have a few extra pounds myself and I can tell you this honestly : I have been rejected about as much as I have rejected someone. Taste is a personal thing. Sometimes it's not just about looks but about how someone behaves on a date.. etc.

 

I believe this : you are going to meet alot of men before you find the right one. So get going

[Goddess4ever]

See....I thought of that too....and maybe I am off base. The terms used to describe body type are (on this site): Slim, fit, muscular, average, a few extra pounds, and queen sized.

 

IMO...if say for example..your ideal weight for height is 130 lbs. If you weight 130 pounds you should put "slim"...but if you weight 135 pounds...you should put a "few extra pounds"? I don't see how that is accurate. An extra 5 pounds does not make someone overweight.

 

SO...I checked out what size other people were that put a "few extra pounds"...and many of them are larger than I am. I am not "queen sized"...but I am more than 5 pounds over the "ideal"...whatever that is.

[Mun]

Goddess i think your best bet is to send a picture. He get's to see what you look like and if he goes away then you don't waste any more of your time.

 

Scout is right that you should be up front about your size. Like I said, it's a matter of taste. Some men like curves others don't. Just like some women prefer bald men ( or don't care) and others would never consider dating a bald man.

 

Eliminate all the ones that don't want to bother with a girl with some extra pounds and you will save yourself some time and heartache.

 

Good luck.

[Goddess4ever]

I completely agree with both of you. I think this guy works on the "friends first" basis of "dating"...so I don't think that this is a "date"...I think he is really looking to meet new ppl in a new city. I would love to get better photos....cause the only ones I have are a little old...guess I will have to work on that. He asked me to go for coffee without even asking for a photo....so I don't know how to send one over without it seeming weird.

[Mun]

Well then don't jump the gun. Don't send him one unless he asks, but if he asks you to describe yourself ( he might) then you should send it and let him see for himself.

 

Just be honest about yourself and give the other person the opportunity to know you. Having an extra friend never hurts.

[RayKay]

I definitely recommend you get some new photos - a HUGE part of online dating is unfortunately, having current up to date photos! Many who have been online dating a few times, can get very jaded by those who use old photos, or have none at all. In this day and age, it is not hard to get one scanned, uploaded, something, and if you can see a pic of them they should be able to be able to see ones of you.

 

Now, as to the rest. I think I am probably using a site similar or the same to yours. For me, a few extra pounds would be someone carrying a few extra pounds (in fat, not muscle) -maybe 5-15. Don't forget that if you are at the end of your acceptable BMI range, you are already a bit larger. Queen/King Sized is someone who is quite overweight. Average is someone who falls within their BMI, or someone who is their ideal BMI, but not fit/toned, in my opinion anyway.

 

Further, when you are dating online, don't go in with expectation the person you are meeting is going to be your next relationship! It is sooo easy in online dating to find tons of people who just are always looking for whats better, who are just doing it for fun, who are not looking for anything serious. Many are jaded by women who are by end of date asking when the engagement is going to be announced. Take is casually, go in with no expectations, and you never know, you might just be impressed!

 

I have great experiences online (and some less positive ones too!) but it does have its own rules, and is NOT for everyone either.

 

GOOD LUCK!

[Phil]

been a while since i posted on here.

 

I always hit the check for Photos Only when i'm "window shopping" lol. not so much of looks but to have an idea of how the other person looks. so putting up an updated picture should improve your chances.

 

while i haven't signed up for one of these dating services I think the few extra pounds should be around 200-300 pounds... i was 290 but i'm down to 260 now. just slowly losing weight. I don't look 260 at all i look more of 220 area especially since i'm 5'11".